This Guy I Love and Cravings For More

I'm thankful for my husband's heart.  I wish I could share his words, but I won't.  Sometimes I wish people knew him the way I know him.  The way he lets only me or his boys see.  He's quiet.  Sometimes he seems like a jerk.  But, it's a misunderstanding.  Wait, sometimes he can be a jerk, but less times than I can be a bitch. 

He's a good man, this one.  For the way he helps, loves, feels, acts.  For the things he says and for the things he doesn't.  For his faith and his strength.  For what he sees and how he believes.  For where he came and what he instills.  For the ones that call out his name and fall to tears once he leaves their sight.  For being our world.  The one that controls the moods, holds us together, leads us down the paths he's being led.  For everything he is and for everything he is not. 

I'm thankful he chose me.  And regardless of what he believes I fell for him because of him, not because of his abilities in sports in our younger years.  I didn't settle with this one.  I completely believe he was the one made for me.  

****

Some sickness hit our house this week.  Me - headache and just a queasy stomach, which I feared would soon turn into something much more horrifying despite my flu shot.  So far, so good.  I believe the headache was from my first ever eye exam.  So sorry for you all that are visually impaired.  Blurry vision = not cool.  I pushed my workout that night and I think that was the thing that sealed the deal, headache for two days. 

Weston ran a fever yesterday and has some respiratory stuff going on.  The poor thing was pathetic when his fever hit.  He was miserable.  I held him as much as he would let me.  And yes, I babied the crap out of him and he totally knows it and so do I.  We're good with it.  Once his fever was down he wanted nothing to do with acting sick.  Full board after that.  He seems a lot better today. 

The other two haven't gotten anything just yet.  Let's hope it stays that way. 

****

Workouts - I don't know, I'm torn between liking them at night and not.  I love getting up and getting a massive workout done and feeling accomplished for the day, but getting up so early was killing me.  I like knowing that when dinner is done and bath is done my night is done.  Not so much anymore.  I feel like I'm rushing all night and my day isn't done until I'm actually laying in bed.  I guess I'm better off that way.  I'm making more time for wrestling and fake fighting and reading books to the boys.  But, if just all feels so rushed and happens so quickly.  I'm still working on my emotions settling a bit instead of getting wrapped up in the chaos of making it all work out.  I think that will always be something I will need to work on. 

A glimpse...

"TIME TO CLEAN THE KITCHEN.  EVERYONE GET IN HERE AND DO YOUR JOBS"

"GET BUSY"

"GET TO CLEANING"

"THERE'S STUFF OVER THERE"

"YOU DIDN'T GET BEHIND THE CHAIR"

"LETS GO.  I DON'T WANT TO BE IN HERE ALL NIGHT"

SIGH

"WYATT, COME ON!"

"YOU'RE MAKING A BIGGER MESS"

"WE COULD BE DONE BY NOW"

etc.

Yeah, I'm fun to live with sometimes. I'm working on it.  I promise!

The workouts are going well, minus missing a day this week because I thought it was better to let my headache pass and my stomach settle a bit.  I think that helped me.  I can't say enough about learning to listen to your body and not feel guilty about it.  I know some people say that you never regret a workout, but I think I would have regretted that one the next day, big time.  I know when I push beyond being smart about it I suffer. 

The workouts in general, I feel myself wanting more.  I know P90x is a great workout, but I want to sweat and in my cold, dirty basement it takes a lot to get me sweating.  I just sweat more eating my left over semi-spicy soup than I did last night doing back and bi's.  Maybe I'm just not pushing hard enough?  Maybe I'm just craving cardio like I crave chocolate?  Running makes me sweat buckets no matter the temp and minutes into the run.  The lifting hard then switching to something more full body or core focused the next day takes some time to get used to.  I want a week of full blown hard workouts and then 1 recovery day and 1 rest day.  That's the way I like to work, but I'm going to trust the process and if I'm not happy with the results I will switch it up next time around. 

How much do you like to sweat? 

What gets you sweating the most?

Lets here it about those significant others, name one thing you absolutely LOVE about them?

I know my posts have been a lot of updates lately.  I think I'm finally starting to feel a "writing itch" again. Maybe I'll be inspired here soon.  Happy weekend! 

Don't Take Him For Granted

May I never take for granted the man I have that shares my bed.

It is easy to take him for granted. To give all my love and affection to the boys that are so needy for it. To take out my frustrations on him because I feel safe with him and I know he can handle it. He doesn’t deserve it, but he can handle it. He deals with a lot; school, family, coaching, etc. On the surface it doesn’t sound like much, but we all know that behind each of the things that take up our lives are complications, drama, and stress. On top of it all he does damn good at taking care of us and those around us. Thank goodness he is a handyman around the house and with our cars and he actually knows what he is doing. I love him for so many different reasons as well and I’m so thankful for him. Nothing makes me happier than to hear how much he has missed his boys after being away from them for a few hours. How he talks to them. How he plays with them. And how they feel about him.

Waylon did his usual sneaking into our bed last night, but he actually did it before I dozed off. I told him what a good daddy he has. His response, “Yeah, I love my dad.” We had a good talk about love and getting in trouble and what all that means and how it works together. Quite a great conversation I had with my little four year old! He loves his boys and the feeling is mutual. He shows them the perfect amount of affection, in my opinion, and tells them he loves them often. I know so many kids that just don’t get that. They don’t get to cuddle up with their dads on the weekends and fall asleep watching movies or get to go out and “work” for hours with their best friend and role model. I’m just so thankful for these relationships in our lives and the man responsible for them.

Workouts and eating:
By 9:30 at work I’m starving. I’m finally prepared for that by having some healthy snacks stashed in my drawer, but I feel like I eat all day long especially on light meeting days. When I’m at home on the weekends I feel like I’m never that hungry and I hardly ever snack on anything. That’s the difference between sitting on your butt all day vs up and moving at home, I guess. I’m convinced that eating out on my lunch break puts pounds on my rear faster than anything ever. If you work out of the office and are hitting up the restaurants every lunch break, STOP! Even if you are going to healthy places and making healthy choices you have a higher chance to eat larger portions than you should be eating. Take your lunch and pack it as healthy as possible as much as you can. I swear that one alone will help you lose a good portion of weight.

I’ve taken a long break from working out. I’m not making excuses for it and I actually don’t feel bad about taking the break in the slightest. I’m actually kind of proud of myself. I went long and hard for so long. (you know you want to make a That’s What She Said joke there) Some might say overboard, but this has been good for me. I’ve realized I’m much happier with exercise in my life. These last few days I have really been craving a workout. While driving on some of the roads that my feet ran just a couple of months ago, I found myself really missing running. It was almost like missing a friend. It seemed really crazy to me, but so real at the same time.

I’m saying so long to my crazy early morning workouts and moving them to the evening. Yes, I’m scared about this. I fear that I will be so tired and want to relax on the couch instead of get my butt downstairs. I just have to keep reminding myself that I was more tired hitting that alarm clock at 4:30 every morning. I also fear the migraines coming back. I will be losing some time in my day since I am mainly doing this to work on getting more sleep. I have really been robbing that area to make time and I can’t keep doing that to my body and the appearance of my face! It’s going to take some time getting in a groove and making it work, but I’ve done hard stuff before, so I’m sure I can get this down and make it habit just like the early mornings. I’m excited to get it going and get this belly and butt back in the shape it saw a few weeks ago. Funny how long it takes to build it up and how quickly it feels like it goes. That’s motivation to keep it up right there.

The boys:I’ve had to hide the apples and oranges from the boys. They climb the shelves of the pantry and help themselves. Weston just might be a worse offender than Waylon. But, the two together are running us dry a day after grocery shopping. I’m thankful that they are choosing these over other things, but have you ever changed a diaper of a little man who ate too much fruit, especially of grapes, hmmm? If so, you feel me and you might have changed just as many poopy diapers as me in one day, which has GOT to be record breaking!

I was feeling really crappy due to all of this allergy crap, which I’m so entirely sick of, that Saturday was getting on my nerves real quick. Dale went with his mom to help her get a car, so it was just me and the boys. The house was in decent shape so I didn’t have a lot of cleaning to do, but as soon as breakfast started the boys started arguing and I did not have the patience for it. Finally I put my last dish in the dishwasher and yelled at them that we were going to play hide and seek in the house and when I found them I was going to punch their legs. They loved the idea and I was just annoyed. Go figure, boys love being punched.

I thought about just hiding forever in the bathroom while they searched and searched. We got started and right off Weston was my partner. He really can’t be any cuter. He tip toed around with his finger to his mouth whispering, “where are they, where’d they go” then yelling, “OUT, OUT errr you ARE!” That’s all I needed to change my mood. The boys actually hid pretty well the first few times. No punching when I found them (that was just a joke). Pretty soon it was my turn to hide so I picked the dark bathroom with the shower curtain. It took them forever to find me. It was so cute hearing them work together and I scared the crap out of Waylon when he finally pulled that shower curtain back. Pretty soon I had completely forgotten what a crappy mood I was in and I was laughing until I was crying. Such a good time, but it always sucks when we have to stop!

The last few weeks I just haven’t felt me. I’m generally a very happy person, but deep down, that happiness just wasn’t completely there. And, it wasn’t because things in my life were horrible. I was busy and the holidays made it even busier. I truly had a great holiday, but I remember right before Christmas at the store walking to my car when I was completely alone feeling sad and completely alone at a much deeper level. I’m glad that is fading. I think it has to do with grief (not running grief) and how it just has a way to affect you whether it is cloudy or completely clear. It always has a way to come back and put you down for a while no matter how long the years try to expand the time. I was happy to fall asleep last night with a smile on my face and a warm little four year old by my side.

What things do you do to break the cranky mood?
Do you find grief coming back to let you know it is still around no matter the years?

 

Dinner Banter

Dale likes to eat. He’s a bigger guy, not fat, just tall and built pretty thick. He thinks that he has to have dessert or something sweet after every meal. Well, his dad had high blood pressure and cholesterol and he is known to have high blood pressure from time to time. His cholesterol was too high at the last check as well. It is no secret that we are getting older and things like medication for preventable diseases is possibly in our future. I have already made several changes to my diet and a huge change around living a healthy life a while back. Dale on the other hand is not so motivated to give up the foods that taste so good to him. He is and has always been active though. Thank goodness for that!


Lately, I’ve been trying to incorporate healthier items in our meals. One switch I thought I got away with was whole grain spaghetti. I made spaghetti last Thursday, according to Dale. I have no idea if that is right or not nor do I care. I thought it turned out just fine. I bought more whole grain spaghetti again to have ready for nights I needed an extremely quick meal. One of those nights came last night.

Dale: You know I love you, right?  You know I will always love you and that will never change, right?

Don’t melt in envy over my husband thinking he is so tremendously sweet and thoughtful just yet. This is a set-up, folks! He was carrying his plate to his seat. I didn’t answer him because I knew what was coming next. So, he repeated his words until I answered his questions.

Me: "Yes, Dale, I know you love me." Said in the most annoyed tone ever.

Dale: Ok, this is bull shit. Whole grain pasta? Don’t ever fix this again. You fixed this last Thursday and I wanted to gag, but thought I’d be nice about it thinking you would never fix it again.

Me: You didn’t say anything about not liking it. How would I know?

Dale: It is gritty and tastes like shit.

Me: You have to eat more healthy, Dale and I’m...

Dale: Eating healthy? This is not healthy. It tastes like shit and pisses me off, which raises my blood pressure and THAT is NOT healthy.

I think he was extremely proud of his reasoning.

All I can do is shake my head at the ridiculousness of his thinking.

He makes me laugh. For the record, this is normal banter in our house, ask our family and friends, it is no way abusive nor do I take offense to his lack of respect for the woman that feeds his ass.

I’ve also been brainwashing the boys to try to limit their sugar intake. Waylon now asks me how many grams of sugar are in everything I pick up. It is a good reminder. He sees me looking at labels and ingredients and knows what I’m looking for. Something I never used to pay attention to. That kid loves sweets as much as I do and will hide in his room or the pantry to get his fix.

Around summer time they were getting a little ridiculous with their juice and popsicle demands so I started explaining what was in those items and several others. Now they are accustomed to only getting one glass of juice and the rest of the night it is water. They take that answer rather well now days.

When Halloween rolled around with all of its candy goodness it was a good time to see if all that brainwashing would pay off. I explained several times that they would not just get to stuff themselves with candy but there would be a limit. Each time they asked for extra pieces I would ask them, “What does candy have in it?” They would so disappointedly answer me as they hung their heads and whispered, “sugar”.  "What does sugar do to you?" With the poutiest lip ever, “makes you unhealthy”.

This may not be the way you would choose to teach your kids to eat better, but it has really worked for me, yes, brainwashing. They know that if they pick a cereal with double digit sugar content, it isn’t an option. They pretty much know what they can choose from nowadays and what is off the table, literally. We are doing our best to teach moderation, what is healthy and unhealthy, and still trying to respect others that don’t practice what we practice. They like to tell their daddy that when he drinks a pop he will get unhealthy. The boys have been on board much more than their daddy.

There are times I can’t get full and when my need for chocolate is no longer a craving, but a necessity, I will make sure my body gets what it is asking for. Other times I try to do my best at keeping it as healthy as possible.

With all that being said, Happy Turkey Day! I will be eating until I am satisfied, not uncomfortably full, and most likely I will eat more than one piece of dessert, but you know where you are going to find me at 4:30am Monday morning right? Right… running in the cold.


Are you and your spouse on the same page as far as how you eat?

How do you teach your kids to eat in moderation and keep it as healthy as possible?

Just a little update

It's been a while.  I have a lot to write.  I can't find the words.  A lot to share.  So little time.  Our days are off because of our little vacation and the holiday right after that.  Hopefully I will share snippets soon.

I'm back to work for two days, but it feels like I've worked two weeks nonstop.  Our house is dirty and unorganized and I'm almost to the point where I want to stop everything and focus on nothing but cleaning every nook and cranny of it.  But I can't find the rhythm.  There are too many distractions.  Too much I want to do outside.  Too many smiles I want to mind click of the boys.  Too many demands from tiny toothed mouths.  The youngest is teething again.  I think all four eye teeth at once.  He's been a soaked shirted mess. 

I love vacation, but hate trying to get back in the swing of things.  My mind just doesn't want to do it, but it hates all the uneasiness. 

Dale has worked hard on some landscaping around the house.  Hopefully I'll share some of that soon as well.  Looks awesome.

Wyatt had a blast swimming without a life jacket recently and loved doing his own thing, but I honestly missed him even though he was no further than a couple feet from me at all times during our little mini vacation.

Waylon has been smiling a lot lately.  And growing taller.  He's sporting a faux hawk and is as adorable as ever.  His personality kills me.  I just find myself smiling as I watch him. 

Weston, like I said, is teething.  Still has no fear, especially of the lake and did better on vacation than I was giving him credit for minus the broken plate that silenced a Texas Roadhouse restaurant and my lap full of salsa - two different incidents.  He is running and smiling and talking more than ever.  My favorite word he says is "Bella".  And his brown eyes have my heart. 

But again, more to come on all that later along with some over due pictures.  The 4th.... oh my goodness, it was a good one!  But, I can't blog it without pics to go along so you'll have to wait until I get my act together and get pictures off of my camera and find my groove again. 

Me?  I had 4 days where I didn't work out.  That has been the longest since January, but I was back into the swing of things yesterday morning and will hit the second round of Insanity Monday morning once again.  Bring it!  I've also done well at keeping up with taking the stairs at work.  My feet haven't touched the elevator in a while!  I was proud of my meals while on vacation though.  I stopped eating when I was full even though the food was SO. DANG. GOOD!  I have to be next to my sister in a swimsuit in a couple of weeks and if that ain't pressure, I don't know what is!

Dale and I have had a few runs together.  That's a first.  He's never held back for me (we're kind of competitive), but I have really enjoyed it.  We have a run in a couple of weeks we are doing together.  Wyatt and I have ran a couple more times on early mornings where he rides his bike.  Such a great time with him and he feels so proud of himself afterwards.  Hopefully he will get rid of those training wheels soon!

Until I can find my way again, peace and hair grease!

I hope I never forget

Walking up my drive way in the warm spring air with nothing but my house, my life in front of me and the world behind me and thinking that I love my life.

The different shades of green behind our house

The swing set and all the laughter it holds

The days that patience runs freely through my veins

The way Will looks up to Wyatt

When I smile they smile

Wyatt's spontaneous displays of affection

The love Wyatt shows for Connor

Waylon's issue with smelling my feet

Dale's smile

Warm wind in my hair

How Weston loves for us to chase him when he's doing something bad and how he turns with that smile on his face and that giggle that is the same every time

Watching the boys with their daddy

How you can tell how well Waylon likes something by his rating of good or goood oood

Flip flops

The smell of fresh cut grass and the stripes Dale puts in our lawn

The crazy resemblance Weston has in his personality of his late Grandpa Bill

How he stares at his old truck, walks around and examines it

Waylon singing Bad Boys, his favorite song, Ghost Busters or Twinkle Twinkle little star to distract his little brother or just making up songs in general

The conversations the boys have together sitting at the table

How they play dad & kid

When Waylon says actually

Having a close family that shares the love and pride we have for our boys

Feeling comfortable and challenged

Waking up with one of them beside me

Their imaginary play world with Jacob, their girlfriend Gracely, and sometimes Mary.

Their other imaginary world full of grabboids sometimes Jacob is in that world too

How they pray for things new and old

Wyatt's love for fishing

Watching them sleep

Looking forward

Toddler feet

How they show us how fast they run

The way Dale inappropriately makes me laugh

Movie nights

Wyatt's tball games and what a great hitter he is and his horrible form when he runs

Waylon's perfectly plump little body

The way Weston can't wait to get down the hall to point out every single picture that has daddy in it as he tries to climb out of my arms with his finger pointing in the air, a huge smile on his face, and sparkles in his eyes

Their cute little butts in cartoon underwear or boxer briefs

Weston's bowlegged walk

Reaching for new things

Their cowlicks, especially Wyatt's

Wyatt's freckles on his nose and cheeks

Holding their hands

The way Weston says Daddy, cracker, please, signs more, his surprisingly southern accent when he says bye and how he waves his arms

The little things that Dale does, which is actually "women's work" but he isn't afraid to do them anyway

How asking Weston if he wants to go see daddy gets him out of the car excitedly every single time

Sink baths

Weston's cheese face

Waylon's head - hair or little hair

The sunsets out the kitchen window or from the deck

The boys sleeping next to each other and sharing the DVD player

The way Wyatt still (at 6) says "skaplodded" for exploded

Waylon's love for tomatoes and fruit

The love they have for their grandparents

Kissing their smooth plump cheeks

How I feel right now - happy, blessed, full

Their teeth.  I love their perfectly spaced tiny teeth

The laughs in the bath even though the mess stresses me out

Weston's love for trash and flushing the toilet

Watching them grow

Their desire to have our attention

Their laughter - I hope I never ever forget their laughter

9 whole years

The day in that high school where I stomped through the halls furiously because my date to the girls ask guys dance just told me he was taking his friend instead of going with me changed my life forever.


He stood there looking through the graduating classes of years before. Who knows why he was really out there when he probably should have been in class just like I was supposed to be.

“Are you going to the girls ask guys dance?”

In true Dale fashion, “Pffftt, no”

“Well, you are now. You are going with me.” I said it sure and didn’t give one ounce of an option for him to decline.

It was out of character for me. I wasn’t one to take a stance and just jump out there like that especially when it had to do with boys.

I can’t remember a lot of details about the dance. Neither one of us are big dancers. But I remember what he wore from the wing footed necklace to the cologne to the Air Jordan shirt to the Air Jordan’s on his feet.

From that day it has been us. There was no turning back.

Sixteen years we have been together, nine of those married. Sixteen years of laughter, love, heartbreak, faith, living dreams, working hard, arguing, fighting, making up, tears, sweat, believing in each other, trusting, rebuilding, and getting stronger.

Around this time last year we were going through a really rough time. We had just lost his dad and we were learning how to move on with life when such a major part of it was gone. Things were hard. I didn’t know where we were headed or how we would come out of it all. It wasn’t just us affected. It was him and me and his mom and his sister, aunts, uncles… his entire family. We all were learning how to deal with this and a lot of people were looking at him for a source of strength. That added pressure and drama and more walls. Pile a new baby on top of it all.

We were stressed, tired, drained in every possible way. Life didn’t stop when we needed a break. It was a true test to marriage and in what kind of person you are in general.

We won.

Things aren’t perfect. But we are stronger than we have ever been. We talk each night when we get home which was a far cry from going through the normal stuff that deals with kids, and routine, and what the next day’s schedule holds. We do date nights. Not enough but we do them. In a moment of parenthood stress we are able to make eye contact and be on the same page instead of me glaring at him making it seem as if it is all his fault somehow.

We are good.

And that feels so good. Today is truly a day to celebrate for us. We are happy and I can honestly say that without hesitation.

As I read through my post from last year it brings tears to my eyes. Looking back it seems so much worse than what I remember. How times have changed. We’ve come a long way; me, him and our marriage. Thank you to each one of you that have played a part in our marriage. To those who have showed support and love to us by cheering us on or praying silently for us thank you from the bottom of my heart.

I’m sure we will have rough patches again. Who knows, I might get really mad at him tonight : ), but I know that we will be ok. I know that we are strong and where our commitments are and I know who’s behind us for the duration.

Happy 9 years to us! Next year about this time we better have our feet up on a beach in Hawaii with a few special friends! I mean it!

More Than Just Movie Night

When I was a little girl I dreamed of having a family.  Boys, girls, it didn't matter.  I wanted to be a mom.  I wanted to be a mom for so many different reasons, but the main reason was love.  I wanted to pour out more love than I even knew how to give.  I wanted to take care of these little beings that were "mine".  I wanted people needing me and getting their fill from me alone.  I wanted to be "the most important" in some one's life. 

I dreamt of teaching them.  Cuddling with them on our couch under a big blanket.  I dreamt of having movie night where we would sit as a family.  Still, quiet, darkness, with joy written on our faces only visible through the glow of the tv and everyone so close together.  My dream was simple and we all know that life with kids is nowhere close to that simple. 

When we had kids we would attempt movie night.  Watching a movie with those little punks was impossible.  No one wants to sit down and watch the movie.  Someone has to pee or needs their butt wiped.  Someone is hungry, or thirsty, or doesn't like their brother touching them.  Someone has the blanket that they wanted and the popcorn that they dropped.  Someone is cold.  Someone is hot. 

It was kind of a blow to this dreamland I had carried around with me.  Like so many other times reality slapped me in the face.  That was until last week.  We had the perfect movie night.  We assembled ourselves in the living room in various places.  The boys sat next to each other on the love seat, me on the couch, and Dale in his chair.  As the previews played I looked over at the boys sitting there together with their alike but so different profiles and buzzed cut hair.  They had smiles on their faces and excitement in their eyes.  Before I could even think I looked over at Dale and said, "This is one of my dreams of being a parent.  Of sitting here with my kids enjoying an evening to the fullest.  A movie night everyone enjoys."  Being so raw out loud to Dale, sharing something completely emotional from my childhood that normally I would be embarrassed to share.

Maybe it sounds silly, but that's just me, vulnerable when my real feelings come out in actual words from my mouth even to Dale sometimes.  I can write it all day, but when those words slide past my tongue and through my teeth a little knot forms in my throat and I want to clinch my jaw.  I have this thinking that I have to appear like this tough outer shell of a person, but there is so much more going on in the inside and I freak when the real me wants to slide out.

I'm getting better.  I'll always work to improve it.  Saying I'm sorry more.  Expressing my true feelings more.  Telling him I think he is awesome and that I appreciate specific things he is doing or has done.  Too many times I end up not thinking before I talk and vent my own selfish frustrations to him and too often damaging words are the ones that push their way out instead of the ones I want to lift him up.  The ones that would express my true feelings. 

He is part of that dream.  He is a huge part of making it possible.  Of making me so happy even if I temporarily don't seem to be.  He is the one that can turn a completely shitty day into one to remember forever.  He makes everything okay in my world and is the strength to me when I can't seem to find it.  When all three kids are crying, the kitchen is full of dirty dishes, and the floor full of crumbs, when there is nothing but the smell of shit in the air, and tempers are about to blow a gasket, he is the one that pipes up with something hilarious to say and we can share a laugh together then tackle the next pressing thing TOGETHER.  He's there.  He's here and he is better at helping me be the best me than anyone else on the face of this earth without a single word.  He's my rock when the waves of reality seem too strong.  He's my dream and so much more that I get to actually play out instead of carry around. 

As the night went on Waylon was asleep on the love seat and Wyatt moved to my side. I enjoyed the movie and my company. I felt every bit of excitement Wyatt felt for the movie we were watching and couldn't help scanning the room and taking inventory of its belongings frequently.  I thanked God for blessing me with such a beautiful life and the beautiful people to fill it. 

WW: Memories Captured

I'm joining Alison and Galit again for one of my all time favorite linkies. I'm also linking up with Kristi and Lish for Wordless Wednesday.

Our hot date

Puking, broken washer, diarrhea, teething, countless crappy diapers, nose sucking, up at 5am every morning to head to work, whining, cooking dinner, mountains of never ending laundry, dreaming of getting home and sliding into my bright pink polka dotted pj pants not caring about the looks of them, but only for pure comfort.  That's what my life has turned in to.  I'm not complaining.  I'm living my dream even in the crappiest (literally) of times.  I'm not going to say I absolutely LOVE every single second of it, but the bigger picture?  It's what I've always wanted to do.   

Regardless those things take a toll as any mom out there knows.  The last time my earlobes felt any weight was probably this time last year at our last holiday party when I was a whale of pregnancy.  It's been a while.  It is easy to grow apart in those times and just get through the day surviving together.  Making sure we at least kiss each other goodnight.  That is something we always try to do.  When we do miss it I'm usually the one at fault because I was pissed about something.  Let's be honest. 

But Friday night it was time to put the stresses aside and enjoy each other for all the reasons we used to enjoy each other.  We shipped the boys off to our parents and we got dressed up and hit the town for my company's Christmas party.  The company was great, the food was great, and the gift was awesome.  We had a meal to enjoy without someone yelling because the spoon wasn't hitting his mouth fast enough.  I didn't have to say "sit down and eat your dinner" one time. 

Sigh!  It felt so good to dress up for us. I love this picture!  Thanks, Jason!  

I got a ton of compliments about my hair, so I added a few more pictures here so you all could see too.  Plus I want to look back some day when I'm completely gray and tell my boys, "Yep, I used to look like that" and be proud of it. 

  

I made Dale take these pics at the end of the night.  It's not his favorite thing to do, but he was a good sport. 

I actually did my hair myself as Weston was destroying our bathroom and crapping his pants over and over again (that's where the diarrhea comes in).  I kind of knew what I wanted to do with it (thank you, pinterest) and curled a couple of pieces the night before to see if it was possible.  It turned out better than I was hoping.  I got a lot of I didn't even recognize you's.  I'm telling myself that was a compliment and in no way meaning I look like shit all week when these people see me. 

Here's full length front and back.  I love those shoes and they don't even hurt my feet.  Or maybe they did and I didn't realize it because that waist part of my dress broke a few ribs and Dale's fingers when I made him zip it up.

One more pic of my hair.  I took this one myself and you can see a little more detail.  I loved it too. 

So anyway, we had an AWESOME time. Maybe one of the best outings we've had in 10 years.  I'm so thankful for that.  It is so needed and we need to do it a lot more often.  Thanks, Babe for being such a great date.  You looked pretty hot yourself.  And... we got an iPad2 from my company!!!!

Far from perfect

This is probably as raw as you are going to get me. I will probably pour it all out here and shake nervously as I decide whether or not to hit the publish button or not.


Every woman has their insecurities. Every single one! I definitely have mine. Lately, more than other times I have felt so out of whack. I don’t feel right in my clothes. My body aches. I’m uncomfortable. My neck and back are sore from tension. Those are just the tip of the iceberg. Those signs are the physical manifestations of what I’m feeling inside. I’m not looking for an ego boost here. This is how I process and get better.

I am honestly sick of being tired. I think that has a lot to do with how I am feeling. I am constantly thinking about how it affects my mental health. It’s no one’s fault but my own. I can’t use the excuse that I have a new baby. That’s not the deal. The baby sleeps beyond awesome. I fear that someone is going to tell me I have some signs of postpartum depression or something, but I don’t think I do. I love my kids beyond belief and would never hurt them. I actually want to be around them even more. I am ignorant when it comes to what all that entails anyway.

What I’m feeling inside is like I am chipping away at some huge wall. I can’t for the life of me get to whatever is waiting for me on the other side. I’m not as motivated and gung ho about work. My relationship with the hubs is less than stellar. I don’t feel good about how I treat him. I don’t feel good about myself in a lot of ways.

Some of you know I have struggled with trying to be super mom. That isn’t easy work. When you try to reach for an unachievable goal it is absolute disaster. I finally feel good about where I am as a mom. I still lose my temper from time to time, but I’m not perfect. I’m human and I’m ok with it. Part of being a parent is teaching your child how to right a wrong. I have spent so much energy in trying to get that right that I lost sight of myself and I have definitely lost sight of my relationship with my husband.

I think that is where most of my uneasy feeling is coming from. My prayer last night (which I have not prayed in a while. I’m not proud of that, but it’s a fact.) was for God to soften my heart towards him and allow me to show him how I really feel about him. I don’t hate him. Not even close, but sometimes I’m sure that is how my actions make him feel.

I get mad at him for allowing the boys to stay up past their bedtime. I get mad at him for letting them dump all the soap in the bath water. I get mad at him when he takes some time to himself away from us. I get mad at him when I have to spend weekends with just me and the boys because he is working whether it is work he is getting paid for or helping his mom or whoever. Or even when he is up at the shop trying to stay connected to his dad. I get mad, I take it out on him and then I completely beat myself up about it. I rarely apologize. It is usually just something we don’t talk about and we go on about our day until the next blow up. I honestly don’t blame him for not being home more.

I can count on one hand the number of times he has actually gotten mad at me in the entire fifteen years we have been together. This is not about him. I’d like to blame him. It’s easier to say it is all someone else’s fault. But, it’s about me and the enormous amount of work I still need to do on myself. I expect some failure along the way, but every night, every hour or so isn’t cutting it. He deserves better than that especially now.

I think I get mad at him for not being home because the more I am a “single” parent the more confidence I have in handling it. I don’t want to be a single parent. I don’t want a divorce. EVER! But I fear that the more confidence I have around raising our boys by myself the less of a fight I have in me for our relationship. That is scary to me. That means to me that there is a possibility that I could give up on it and we could spiral into a life of being roommates or end up separated. That is the absolute last thing I would ever want.

I feel like a strong woman. I feel like I handle a lot. A lot of things roll off of my back. I’m not perfect and I clearly have a ton to work on. Especially since the #2 priority in my life feels like it is failing. Please don’t tell me I’m doing a good job and to cut myself some slack. If you have advice on how you have overcome obstacles within yourself, please share.

Preg update, Bill, and Dale's childhood dream

Here we are.  Week 25.  Nothing new except for a few more pounds and a few harder kicks.  He still hasn't quite gotten the rib detached from my right side, but he is working feverishly to get it before he arrives.  I'm sure of it.  This kid moves A LOT, really, A LOT, you wouldn't believe it!  I recorded some kicking on my phone yesterday.  I might post it soon, but I really want to catch him when he is going crazy and my belly is popping all over the place.

I still feel good.  Tire easy, crappy hormones, and some heartburn, but for the most part good.  At this point with Waylon I was having a lot of back pain and a lot of lower pressure.  Thankfully this baby boy has been a bit nicer to me. 

The name game is still in play.  We don't have one and we haven't really even talked about it further.  It kinda sucks having to name a kid when you are dealing with a teacher.   Every name that seems to come up belongs to some little jerk at school Dale has to deal with.  It's not easy!  But, something will come up.  I'm not worried about it.

A little more of a side view

 The boys still love their baby brother and are still really excited to get to meet him.  They hug my stomach often and kiss it as well.  I think once he gets here, Waylon might have a hard time adjusting.  He gets pretty mad if I hold Wyatt or sit with Wyatt.  He marches right over and plays the baby card.  I think that is something we are going to have to work on.  We're truckin along.

Speaking of truckin along, Dale has taken the 1st huge step in realizing one of his childhood dreams.  He got his CDL on Tuesday.  I'm a trucker's wife.  Well, not officially yet.  He isn't quitting his teaching and coaching, but this is something that he wants to do in the summers.  If he was thinking of making a major switch in careers we might have some issues, but I think he is making the right decision and he is doing his part in living a dream.  I'm proud of him. 

His dad... sorry I haven't given an update in awhile.  He is closer to home.  It takes around 40 minutes to go see him vs the 3 hours we were driving.  It makes a huge difference!  He is still in rehab to get rid of his trach.  They have put a smaller one in and he is pretty much breathing 80% on his own.  They give him more at night so he can rest better.  He still has some infections and is now starting to get some bed sores.  At this point he can't feel them, but that is going to be a huge problem later if they start to get out of hand. 

The new place doesn't seem too bad.  They seem to take pretty good care of him and they are still having a physical therapist come in, but nothing like the therapy he needs to regain some function.  We like it because it is a lot less hospitally (you know what I mean even if that isn't a word, right?!) and the boys can go in to see him, but we all have to gown up and make sure the boys don't touch anything.  It is almost impossible.  We haven't taken them in since we found out about the recent infections so they really haven't had to gown up yet, but when they do that is going to be a stressful visit!  They miss their papa Bill still and both of them voluntarily pray for him every night.  That is really so touching especially to hear Waylon ask if he can pray for papa Bill.  So sweet. 

Anyway, you're on update overload, so I'm signing off.  Have a great weekend hopefully your weather will be just as beautiful as ours is supposed to be!!!