A time
A place
A smell
A trigger
A memory
A feeling
I washed my hands in an unfamiliar bathroom. The soap foamed between my fingers and bubbles dripped into the sink. The aroma of the soap made its way to my brain and immediately I was in a familiar but uneasy place. My heart was heavy. My thoughts numb. I was pregnant.
It took me back to that bathroom in the hospital where we spent precious time trying to hold on to hope and hold on to ourselves as our lives were drastically being changed. Being strong in a small room filled with machines, hard cold floors, his whispering voice, and a muted tv. He tried to enjoy us. We didn’t care as long as our time was with him.
How’d we ever make it through?
We spent hours driving. Most of the time not talking. Alone with our thoughts but together in our hurt.
I see your old truck drive up to the neighbor’s house and park behind their lives. My eyes immediately want to glare. How dare you remind me. How dare you trigger such pain in our past.
There are days, usually on Sundays when I still have to remind myself that your truck isn’t going to be pulling up in that driveway and that you aren’t going to walk through that door. But still some days I catch myself waiting.
Our boys are growing. You aren’t here to hear them. To see how they get along. To see how they fight. To spitefully laugh when they are being horrid little monsters. And to offer them so much crap to eat all I have the chance to do is roll my eyes as their smiles are covered in chocolate and sugary drool hangs from their chins.
I let fear slip in that they are moving on without you. Forgetting about what a great grandpa they had. One that was so completely in love and proud of them.
But then as we are driving to the baseball fields they start talking about you. Out of the clear blue sky they know your presence and how it will never leave their little minds no matter how young they were.
Waylon says he loves his grandpa and can’t wait to be with him again. Even though I heard every single word of it I asked him to say it again. I let the joy from his little face and the smile that blessed his lips as he said it sink in.
They talk about you without pain in their words. They talk about you like they know they will definitely see you again. They talk about you with such a “this is temporary” kind of an attitude. And you know how much that makes my heart sing.
The simple minds of a child and they get it. We have not done the best jobs in teaching and living. We could do so much better and yet they seem to 100% get it.
They play in your trucks and engulf their imaginations in your legacy. They are their happiest there.
Weston was too young. How could he remember you? But then he is drawn to older men that resemble you. He threw a screaming fit until grandma took him to a picture of you holding your first grandson’s infant feet just yesterday. Only one of your hands was showing, but he HAD to go to that picture. He had to touch your hand. And he wasn’t satisfied until his tiny finger pressed firmly on that glass. He looked over his shoulder with a smile on his face as he touched it. Looking grandma in the eyes like he knew those hands were special. Those hands were a part of him. Touching them and calling out “hands” over and over again made him proud.
Everyone else went along with their business and chatting as I sat there almost as if it all happened in slow motion. I don’t know if anyone noticed. I don’t know if anyone else sketched that moment in their minds to remember forever. I don’t know if they got the symbolism, but I got it. It touched me and it is a simple moment that I won’t soon forget. It’s the little things that I can file away that remind me. That keep you alive in our hearts until one day when we don’t need the file anymore.
It’s amazing. It’s hopeful. It fills my heart with joy that we can go on here while you’re there and you are still so much a part of US.
Showing posts with label Bill. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Bill. Show all posts
Friday, September 28, 2012
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
Saying goodbye
I got the call after work one day.
“He has decided that it is time. Monday we will talk to the doctors.”
My father-in-law who had suffered a fall back in August and became a quadriplegic instantly had made a decision that it was time to stop the suffering. Long months spanned in between that time. Travel, eating out, packing up our kids, hospitals, hotel rooms, 3 hour drives, just to be there and to soak in our time with him. We had hopes. One day he would come home. One day he would walk again. One day he would hold our newborn baby and feel the weight in his arms. One day he would wheel his chair around the shop and teach his son the ropes.
On the drive up the thought raced through my mind. What do I say? How do I say goodbye? How do you sum up so much and speak to a person for the last time here on earth?
I couldn’t.
We spent the day with him just like every other day we had spent with him since the accident.
When it was time we woke him from his nap and I looked into his eyes. “Bye.” In a whisper that’s all I had. That’s all that came out. His eyes closed. I turned away.
I was mad at myself for not saying more and at the same time had nothing more to say.
We drove home.
Silent, lost, confused, searching for answers to all of our questions. Empty.
He left this earth knowing he was loved and admired and missed.
For his service our preacher read this:
“Bill and I didn’t need to talk much. We could enjoy each other’s company without saying much. He meant a lot to me. One thing for sure is he was ALWAYS there for us no matter what. Like the time I decided it would be a good idea to put Dawn detergent in my dishwasher and ended up with a leaking brand new dishwasher and bubbles everywhere. He came right up to look at it and let me know what the problem was without making me feel like a total idiot.
No matter how difficult or messy the job was. If we needed help he was here. He was on our roof in the heat of the summer hammering black shingles to our new house so we could get it done. He helped build our deck and put every spindle in across the length of our house. That’s just to name a few.
I will never forget the winter before last when I put the Tahoe in the ditch on PP on my way to work. Within the hour he was there in knee deep snow to help me out. He drove his heatless truck there and waited with me until we got everything straightened out. Later that night Dale called him to come rescue him because the transmission went out in our car. Sun up to sun down he was there. He never complained or made us feel bad. He was there.
He was there to hold our babies and pace around the house with them. We thought he was spoiling them to death. Turns out that was exactly what he was doing and who cares if he was. He loved them there is no doubt about that and they loved him. We would see the joy in their eyes just about every Sunday of their little lives when he would walk in the door for dinner. He would yell, “Hey, What are you doin!” and they would scream GRANDPA! I miss that!
We will hear it again someday though. Until then we will be careful, Bill. Especially careful. We will make sure their memories of you will stay strong in their minds. Even Weston. He didn’t have long with you, he never felt your touch, but when I took him out of the room you asked to get him back in there. We will make sure he knows all about you.
You were a selfless, kind, loving, hard working man that loved his family and friends beyond measure. I think that is evident by the out pouring of love and support they have all shown since the accident. They talk about your smile, your talent, your hard work. What a gift you have given me in your son and the characteristics you have passed to him. I’ll always be thankful to you for that. We’ll see ya!”
He made death easier to accept for us. Suddenly it didn’t seem so scary. He left his print in this world and touched the lives of others. Our selfish hearts are trying to heal and move on without him. In so many ways we are missing him. First days of school, holidays, first t-ball games, cooking out, working around the yard. He isn’t here when we got so used to him being here. We are missing him. There was a reason. There is a lesson. We are searching to find them. If nothing else, we realize just how precious our time is and how quickly things can change.
You can read our journey through this experience through these posts.
“He has decided that it is time. Monday we will talk to the doctors.”
My father-in-law who had suffered a fall back in August and became a quadriplegic instantly had made a decision that it was time to stop the suffering. Long months spanned in between that time. Travel, eating out, packing up our kids, hospitals, hotel rooms, 3 hour drives, just to be there and to soak in our time with him. We had hopes. One day he would come home. One day he would walk again. One day he would hold our newborn baby and feel the weight in his arms. One day he would wheel his chair around the shop and teach his son the ropes.
On the drive up the thought raced through my mind. What do I say? How do I say goodbye? How do you sum up so much and speak to a person for the last time here on earth?
I couldn’t.
We spent the day with him just like every other day we had spent with him since the accident.
When it was time we woke him from his nap and I looked into his eyes. “Bye.” In a whisper that’s all I had. That’s all that came out. His eyes closed. I turned away.
I was mad at myself for not saying more and at the same time had nothing more to say.
We drove home.
Silent, lost, confused, searching for answers to all of our questions. Empty.
He left this earth knowing he was loved and admired and missed.
For his service our preacher read this:
“Bill and I didn’t need to talk much. We could enjoy each other’s company without saying much. He meant a lot to me. One thing for sure is he was ALWAYS there for us no matter what. Like the time I decided it would be a good idea to put Dawn detergent in my dishwasher and ended up with a leaking brand new dishwasher and bubbles everywhere. He came right up to look at it and let me know what the problem was without making me feel like a total idiot.
No matter how difficult or messy the job was. If we needed help he was here. He was on our roof in the heat of the summer hammering black shingles to our new house so we could get it done. He helped build our deck and put every spindle in across the length of our house. That’s just to name a few.
I will never forget the winter before last when I put the Tahoe in the ditch on PP on my way to work. Within the hour he was there in knee deep snow to help me out. He drove his heatless truck there and waited with me until we got everything straightened out. Later that night Dale called him to come rescue him because the transmission went out in our car. Sun up to sun down he was there. He never complained or made us feel bad. He was there.
He was there to hold our babies and pace around the house with them. We thought he was spoiling them to death. Turns out that was exactly what he was doing and who cares if he was. He loved them there is no doubt about that and they loved him. We would see the joy in their eyes just about every Sunday of their little lives when he would walk in the door for dinner. He would yell, “Hey, What are you doin!” and they would scream GRANDPA! I miss that!
We will hear it again someday though. Until then we will be careful, Bill. Especially careful. We will make sure their memories of you will stay strong in their minds. Even Weston. He didn’t have long with you, he never felt your touch, but when I took him out of the room you asked to get him back in there. We will make sure he knows all about you.
You were a selfless, kind, loving, hard working man that loved his family and friends beyond measure. I think that is evident by the out pouring of love and support they have all shown since the accident. They talk about your smile, your talent, your hard work. What a gift you have given me in your son and the characteristics you have passed to him. I’ll always be thankful to you for that. We’ll see ya!”
He made death easier to accept for us. Suddenly it didn’t seem so scary. He left his print in this world and touched the lives of others. Our selfish hearts are trying to heal and move on without him. In so many ways we are missing him. First days of school, holidays, first t-ball games, cooking out, working around the yard. He isn’t here when we got so used to him being here. We are missing him. There was a reason. There is a lesson. We are searching to find them. If nothing else, we realize just how precious our time is and how quickly things can change.
You can read our journey through this experience through these posts.
Friday, April 1, 2011
Yesterday
Yesterday there was loss
…there was peace
…there was love
…there was support
…there was encouragement
Yesterday our son learned about death
…he learned more deeply about Heaven and God
…our faith was strengthened
Yesterday my husband was a hero in my eyes
Yesterday there was forgiveness and a speck of understanding
…there were hugs and kisses and more love
...there were tears and heartache
…there were family and friends
Yesterday there was gain and victory
…there was peace
…there was love
…there was support
…there was encouragement
Yesterday our son learned about death
…he learned more deeply about Heaven and God
…our faith was strengthened
Yesterday my husband was a hero in my eyes
Yesterday there was forgiveness and a speck of understanding
…there were hugs and kisses and more love
...there were tears and heartache
…there were family and friends
Yesterday there was gain and victory
Thursday, December 9, 2010
Date night, update, Maternity photos - check um out!
It has seriously been over a week since I posted last and I didn't even give you a pic for Wordless Wednesday, but I promise I will make up for it with this post. Promise.
Last Friday Dale and I got a date night thanks to work. The boys went to Nae Nae and PaPa's and Dale and I got all jazzed up to go to the Christmas Party. We had a good time. Laughing, people watching, filling Dale in on all the biz talk and who does what. I thought we were going to miss our pictures like we did last year, but we had perfect timing. The photographer was just finishing up and we squeezed right in. Then we made it to our table just in time to be served our soup. Couldn't ask for better timing. Our Christmas parties are usually pretty great with tons of great prizes up for grabs. This year we didn't win anything. Last year we won a 32" TV, which we love on our bedroom wall! LOVE! Next year is our year!!
I wish I would have scanned in our pic or at least taken a few more, but this is all I took to prove I actually did do my hair and wore foundation. I think the foundation hurt me more than anything. I think it magnified every line on my face!!!
I so wanted to fix those through some editing, but you know, honesty and all!
33 weeks! I measured a week behind yesterday at the dr. Usually I measure right on. No one is worried, except maybe Dale, he gets kind of freaked out by news like that. But, Baby No Name is still kicking the crap out of me. No worries here. I just see it as a license to eat even more. I actually haven't been eating that much lately because of how fast I get full and the heartburn that follows, but I promise I will try harder.
Last Friday Dale and I got a date night thanks to work. The boys went to Nae Nae and PaPa's and Dale and I got all jazzed up to go to the Christmas Party. We had a good time. Laughing, people watching, filling Dale in on all the biz talk and who does what. I thought we were going to miss our pictures like we did last year, but we had perfect timing. The photographer was just finishing up and we squeezed right in. Then we made it to our table just in time to be served our soup. Couldn't ask for better timing. Our Christmas parties are usually pretty great with tons of great prizes up for grabs. This year we didn't win anything. Last year we won a 32" TV, which we love on our bedroom wall! LOVE! Next year is our year!!
I wish I would have scanned in our pic or at least taken a few more, but this is all I took to prove I actually did do my hair and wore foundation. I think the foundation hurt me more than anything. I think it magnified every line on my face!!!
I so wanted to fix those through some editing, but you know, honesty and all!
It was a much needed and much appreciated night out! And the boys had a blast staying with Nae Nae and Pa Pa. Wyatt didn't want to come home of course.
Dale's dad was moved to a rehab facility. I wish I could give you more than that, but that is pretty much all I know at this point. He is in Columbia, MO. Things have not gone well since his move. It is so frustrating that he was doing so well, then they move him and he starts doing horrible. They can't seem to transfer charts as they should and some have no clue of his condition. It just boggles my mind how that can happen. Anyway, I will fill you in more once I have more information.
This week I went and had some maternity shots done. This was a new experience for me and since this is our (uh hum) last child I thought I better get some of these precious, quickly fleeting moments professionally captured. Here is the link to the website http://www.happychickphoto.com/ You can go check them out for yourself. I could point out all my imperfections for you, but you just go ahead and look anyway, maybe you will miss some. Let me know your favorites, PLEASE! It would really help me out in making my selection!!! Click on "view photos". The password is "sharp". Click on the link at the bottom of that page.
33 weeks! I measured a week behind yesterday at the dr. Usually I measure right on. No one is worried, except maybe Dale, he gets kind of freaked out by news like that. But, Baby No Name is still kicking the crap out of me. No worries here. I just see it as a license to eat even more. I actually haven't been eating that much lately because of how fast I get full and the heartburn that follows, but I promise I will try harder.
33 week pic.
I got an unexpected day off yesterday. My little masculine alarms went off at 3am. They were screaming and crying and running down the hallway. Wyatt was yelling he had puke all over him. Waylon puked everywhere including on his big bro and had it all over his face. So, up and at um. Baths, laundry, and a big ole clean up at 3am, nothing better, I tell ya! How is it that you don't puke yourself but you can taste the puke in your mouth while cleaning up a puke covered child? I don't know how I kept my stomach from follwoing suit! I didn't make it back to my own bed. We covered the recliner and goodnight snuggles followed. It was actually more like a power nap for me. My real alarm started screaming at me soon after! We couldn't declare his stomach stable enough for the babysitter so sick day it was. I enjoyed the time with him since he was acting ok and I really enjoyed his cute little head nested up against my arm and feeling his little chest move up and down. So thankful for being a mommy and making my sick kids feel better. I still can't believe they came from me sometimes. What a blessed life we have.
Anyway, go check out the website, let me know what you think, pretty please?
Monday, November 29, 2010
Post Thanksgiving update
This probably isn't the best time to blog. I am feeling completely out of sorts today and it started the moment my alarm went off this morning. I fell right back to sleep. I am not a fall back to sleep hit the snooze kind of person. I don't even know how to set the snooze. Do you even set a snooze? So, after a short nap and quick additional weird dream I woke up. LATE. My body didn't care. It stammered around as if I had all the time in the world. It was that four day weekend that did it and all the sleeping in I cared for. It was delightful while it lasted and thank you, boys for allowing it to happen, but I am paying for it now.
Our Thanksgiving was much different this year, but it was still good. I picked up the camera one time to take the pregnant update photos below. Then again to load them to find some surprises. Apparently Wyatt was photog practicing again.
He must have thought that this pic of his dad was good material. So, needless to say I didn't get any family pictures this weekend or holiday. Bummer!
We kicked off our holiday Wednesday night really enjoying a meal from my MIL. It was all sorts of delish and I ate too much, of course! Thursday morning when we are usually heading to KS for a meal with the Sisemores (we missed you guys tons!) we went to the hospital instead. Bill had just finished his big Thanksgiving meal and desert, which I hear he thoroughly enjoyed. We are so thankful that he is talking, eating, has way less tubes hanging from his body, in a different room, and feeling so much more than he was a few weeks ago. We are thankful to be getting time with him. We are thankful that soon he will be moved to rehab to work like no other to regain some function.
Thursday night we headed to my mom and dad's to enjoy more delish food and desert. We stayed the night there, which the boys were overjoyed about. We woke up to some awesome, can't beat um, biscuits and gravy courtesy of Nae Nae and Pa Pa. Seriously, there is none better. I won't even touch them at other places because I can tell by looking at them that they will not taste the way I like them.
It was a good much needed break and I am thankful for getting the time with my family. (Missed you though, Chadica!)
Onto a blog challenge for you...
Can you...
Find the two year old?
Name the baby in my belly?
Spot the bed head?
Guess how many weeks I am? (I had to look)
Guess how much I weigh? (Just kidding, don't do that)
The boys also got haircuts Thursday morning. I couldn't stand the shag any longer.
Anyway, things are good. I'm measuring just as I should. I am having some tightening, but nothing painful. He has a lot of hiccups. He of course still feels like he moves non stop and never sleeps. Maybe he is just an active sleeper. Although I feel like I am organized and have everything I need outside of a coming home outfit and a few more outfits just of his own I don't feel ready. I can't grasp where this November has gone and I know December will go just as fast if not faster and then January he will be here. It blows me away. I am so ready to see his perfect little face, but I just can't picture how much our life is going to be changing again soon and it is hard for me to say I'm ready. A name would help!
I hope you all had a great Thanksgiving and I am enjoying the stories of those that have posted about it.
Thursday, November 4, 2010
Bill update
Sorry it has been so long since I have updated on Bill. He is still in rehab here close to home to get off of the vent. Dale, Grandma Vada, and the boys headed over last Saturday morning before the party to give him a much needed hair cut. I kind of wish I was there to take pictures of the moment. Dale cutting his dad's hair ... that image of love is burned into my mind. I guess I really didn't need to be there.
Bill is fighting and he isn't close to giving up. I'm not really sure how a couple of months can feel like years. I can't even imagine how Bill is feeling. He has had some great visitors that really help lift his spirits. I love seeing the sparkle in his eye when his grandsons walk in.
Bill and Linda recently celebrated their anniversary. It was a pretty emotional day for Linda. We sent flowers to the room that I hear are still holding up nicely. That night when we went to visit he had a little spell. We got there and were gowning up. His face looked white and panicked and he didn't have a smile on his face and didn't seem to be watching the boys with joy getting their huge gowns on. Soon he called Dale over. He does this by blowing through his lips since he still is unable to talk. Dale ran over to see what he needed and there was nothing but panic in his eyes.
Dale went to get the nurse. The nurse was telling Dale that everything was fine, but he would go check just in case. Everything wasn’t fine. His heart rate was way up and his blood pressure was extremely high. Soon it seemed like the entire medical team swarmed his room. All the while the boys are standing there seeing this. I tried my hardest to get them down to the end of the hall out of sight. Wyatt was curious about what was going on, naturally. Soon Dale came out to hand me the keys so we could go to the car. It wasn’t looking good. Dale had fear in his eyes. He thought he was losing his dad right there in front of him.
It was his heart. He didn’t have a heart attack, but I honestly can’t tell you what it was besides scary. The team worked on him for quite awhile. They bagged him and gave him an immediate shot and continued to work until he was stable again. Apparently he was on some heart medicine in Springfield that they didn’t continue at this rehab. I guess things are straightened out now and things have been pretty smooth since. But that was seriously one of the scariest moments we have had. We made sure that the boys saw their grandpa in the state he was in before we left, which was a good state. He was smiling and talking and everything seemed to be fine.
This week they have been keeping him off of the vent and he has been breathing on his own for most of the day all by himself. I hear it is going pretty well and they are hopeful that he will be weaned by the end of the week. I hope so. As much as we like having him close to home we would really like to get him in rehab to regain some function and get further down the road to bringing him home for good.
Thank you to all that continue to pray for him and ask how he is doing. Could I ask that you also pray for a man named Scott Cooper. Dale worked with him when he was teaching at Smithville a few years ago. He fell from his tree stand recently and broke his neck. He is paralyzed from the neck down right now and has had surgery to fuse his neck like Bill had. He is just starting his journey down this difficult road. Please continue to keep them both in your prayers. If you are interested in his story here is his CaringBridge site http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/scottcooper1/journal. Dale has finally started a site for his dad too. You can find it here http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/billsharp. We will hopefully be updating that frequently. Thanks again, all!
Bill is fighting and he isn't close to giving up. I'm not really sure how a couple of months can feel like years. I can't even imagine how Bill is feeling. He has had some great visitors that really help lift his spirits. I love seeing the sparkle in his eye when his grandsons walk in.
Bill and Linda recently celebrated their anniversary. It was a pretty emotional day for Linda. We sent flowers to the room that I hear are still holding up nicely. That night when we went to visit he had a little spell. We got there and were gowning up. His face looked white and panicked and he didn't have a smile on his face and didn't seem to be watching the boys with joy getting their huge gowns on. Soon he called Dale over. He does this by blowing through his lips since he still is unable to talk. Dale ran over to see what he needed and there was nothing but panic in his eyes.
Dale went to get the nurse. The nurse was telling Dale that everything was fine, but he would go check just in case. Everything wasn’t fine. His heart rate was way up and his blood pressure was extremely high. Soon it seemed like the entire medical team swarmed his room. All the while the boys are standing there seeing this. I tried my hardest to get them down to the end of the hall out of sight. Wyatt was curious about what was going on, naturally. Soon Dale came out to hand me the keys so we could go to the car. It wasn’t looking good. Dale had fear in his eyes. He thought he was losing his dad right there in front of him.
It was his heart. He didn’t have a heart attack, but I honestly can’t tell you what it was besides scary. The team worked on him for quite awhile. They bagged him and gave him an immediate shot and continued to work until he was stable again. Apparently he was on some heart medicine in Springfield that they didn’t continue at this rehab. I guess things are straightened out now and things have been pretty smooth since. But that was seriously one of the scariest moments we have had. We made sure that the boys saw their grandpa in the state he was in before we left, which was a good state. He was smiling and talking and everything seemed to be fine.
This week they have been keeping him off of the vent and he has been breathing on his own for most of the day all by himself. I hear it is going pretty well and they are hopeful that he will be weaned by the end of the week. I hope so. As much as we like having him close to home we would really like to get him in rehab to regain some function and get further down the road to bringing him home for good.
Thank you to all that continue to pray for him and ask how he is doing. Could I ask that you also pray for a man named Scott Cooper. Dale worked with him when he was teaching at Smithville a few years ago. He fell from his tree stand recently and broke his neck. He is paralyzed from the neck down right now and has had surgery to fuse his neck like Bill had. He is just starting his journey down this difficult road. Please continue to keep them both in your prayers. If you are interested in his story here is his CaringBridge site http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/scottcooper1/journal. Dale has finally started a site for his dad too. You can find it here http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/billsharp. We will hopefully be updating that frequently. Thanks again, all!
Friday, October 15, 2010
Preg update, Bill, and Dale's childhood dream
Here we are. Week 25. Nothing new except for a few more pounds and a few harder kicks. He still hasn't quite gotten the rib detached from my right side, but he is working feverishly to get it before he arrives. I'm sure of it. This kid moves A LOT, really, A LOT, you wouldn't believe it! I recorded some kicking on my phone yesterday. I might post it soon, but I really want to catch him when he is going crazy and my belly is popping all over the place.
I still feel good. Tire easy, crappy hormones, and some heartburn, but for the most part good. At this point with Waylon I was having a lot of back pain and a lot of lower pressure. Thankfully this baby boy has been a bit nicer to me.
The name game is still in play. We don't have one and we haven't really even talked about it further. It kinda sucks having to name a kid when you are dealing with a teacher. Every name that seems to come up belongs to some little jerk at school Dale has to deal with. It's not easy! But, something will come up. I'm not worried about it.
I still feel good. Tire easy, crappy hormones, and some heartburn, but for the most part good. At this point with Waylon I was having a lot of back pain and a lot of lower pressure. Thankfully this baby boy has been a bit nicer to me.
The name game is still in play. We don't have one and we haven't really even talked about it further. It kinda sucks having to name a kid when you are dealing with a teacher. Every name that seems to come up belongs to some little jerk at school Dale has to deal with. It's not easy! But, something will come up. I'm not worried about it.
 |
| A little more of a side view |
The boys still love their baby brother and are still really excited to get to meet him. They hug my stomach often and kiss it as well. I think once he gets here, Waylon might have a hard time adjusting. He gets pretty mad if I hold Wyatt or sit with Wyatt. He marches right over and plays the baby card. I think that is something we are going to have to work on. We're truckin along.
Speaking of truckin along, Dale has taken the 1st huge step in realizing one of his childhood dreams. He got his CDL on Tuesday. I'm a trucker's wife. Well, not officially yet. He isn't quitting his teaching and coaching, but this is something that he wants to do in the summers. If he was thinking of making a major switch in careers we might have some issues, but I think he is making the right decision and he is doing his part in living a dream. I'm proud of him.
His dad... sorry I haven't given an update in awhile. He is closer to home. It takes around 40 minutes to go see him vs the 3 hours we were driving. It makes a huge difference! He is still in rehab to get rid of his trach. They have put a smaller one in and he is pretty much breathing 80% on his own. They give him more at night so he can rest better. He still has some infections and is now starting to get some bed sores. At this point he can't feel them, but that is going to be a huge problem later if they start to get out of hand.
The new place doesn't seem too bad. They seem to take pretty good care of him and they are still having a physical therapist come in, but nothing like the therapy he needs to regain some function. We like it because it is a lot less hospitally (you know what I mean even if that isn't a word, right?!) and the boys can go in to see him, but we all have to gown up and make sure the boys don't touch anything. It is almost impossible. We haven't taken them in since we found out about the recent infections so they really haven't had to gown up yet, but when they do that is going to be a stressful visit! They miss their papa Bill still and both of them voluntarily pray for him every night. That is really so touching especially to hear Waylon ask if he can pray for papa Bill. So sweet.
Anyway, you're on update overload, so I'm signing off. Have a great weekend hopefully your weather will be just as beautiful as ours is supposed to be!!!
Monday, September 27, 2010
What's in a dream?
I am an avid dreamer. I often have several dreams a night every night. Most of the time they don't make any sense at all. They are all sorts of weird like snakes covering my front yard. I have a big front yard! Dale can attest to how weird they are. He asked me to stop sharing them because he was really starting to get concerned that my mind could think that crazy! I use to have a dream about a witch that would chase me around this fire department. The place wasn't familiar to me at all, but it is the only reoccurring dream I can remember having. One thing I find really strange about all of this is that I never dream about my babies when I am pregnant with them. I know a lot of people do and Dale has, but I haven't and I don't really understand why.
I recently had a dream about my boys and one of my nephews. I don't know which one it was, but for some reason I think it was my brother's son. They were on the pond in their special fishing boat. I assumed they were much older based on the fact that they had their own fishing accessories. They were also on some pond I didn't recognize. If it was a dream about my family it should have been on our pond or my parent's but it wasn't. The dream was short, but spoke a ton. They had been gone awhile so we went to get them. Their boat was there in the water, but the boys were nowhere to be found. I think my mind went to the worst and fortunately ended the dream.
Another dream I recently had in all of these changing things in my life was a tornado dream. I was in some grassy patch with a lot of other people I didn't know. Seemed like it was my old college campus, but we were outside and the storm hit. We tried to hang onto routes in a ditch, but the tornado picked me up and I smiled as I left the ground. I remember thinking in my dream that I didn't know where this was taking me, but I'm for sure to land somewhere. All the while the smile was still planted on my face. It was the most chaotically (is that a word) peaceful feeling I have had. I can only think that it was a message to state things are beyond crazy right now. I don't know what the future holds or how we are going to get there, but we will be ok because there is something higher in control and I will hold on and trust the fact that He is carrying us down His path. No matter how twisted and out of control it feels, we have to trust it will all be ok.
That leads me to a dream I had last night. Again, parts of it don't make sense what-so-ever! We were in my grandma's house. A house I hadn't been to in years besides the short drive-by Dale and I did this summer. The time frame seemed to be a week or two post surgery. I was sitting on the floor where my grandpa's recliner used to be and Bill was STANDING at the other side of the living room. He walked past me to get to the kitchen. I thought nothing of it until he came back and stood in the same place he had been before. I checked myself and then asked him aloud, "Did you just walk by me to the kitchen?" "Yep!" he answered. He walked better than he did before the accident. At that point almost like an out of body experience (only I have never had one) I had an overwhelming feeling of things were ok and that things are going to work out.
So how doI we go on? How do I we keep up our normal lives and throw 3 hour trips one way on the weekends and some still during the week into our lives? How do we still make sure our boy's lives aren't on hold while we just get through the tough parts? How do we make sure our friends and other family isn't neglected or that our marriage stays on track? Because it is what we feel lead to do. It is what feels like needs to be done and how are we not exhausted and falling over yelling have mercy? Because that is what families do and because someone has a hand underneath us guiding us along our way. The devil is creeping in here and there and we have to recognize that fact that his work is trying to create hurt and separation between some, but it isn't going to happen if we recognize it and trust that God is fighting even harder than we are at fulfilling His plan.
You all know your prayers mean the world to all of us and that they are working. The proof is above. Please keep them coming.
I recently had a dream about my boys and one of my nephews. I don't know which one it was, but for some reason I think it was my brother's son. They were on the pond in their special fishing boat. I assumed they were much older based on the fact that they had their own fishing accessories. They were also on some pond I didn't recognize. If it was a dream about my family it should have been on our pond or my parent's but it wasn't. The dream was short, but spoke a ton. They had been gone awhile so we went to get them. Their boat was there in the water, but the boys were nowhere to be found. I think my mind went to the worst and fortunately ended the dream.
Another dream I recently had in all of these changing things in my life was a tornado dream. I was in some grassy patch with a lot of other people I didn't know. Seemed like it was my old college campus, but we were outside and the storm hit. We tried to hang onto routes in a ditch, but the tornado picked me up and I smiled as I left the ground. I remember thinking in my dream that I didn't know where this was taking me, but I'm for sure to land somewhere. All the while the smile was still planted on my face. It was the most chaotically (is that a word) peaceful feeling I have had. I can only think that it was a message to state things are beyond crazy right now. I don't know what the future holds or how we are going to get there, but we will be ok because there is something higher in control and I will hold on and trust the fact that He is carrying us down His path. No matter how twisted and out of control it feels, we have to trust it will all be ok.
That leads me to a dream I had last night. Again, parts of it don't make sense what-so-ever! We were in my grandma's house. A house I hadn't been to in years besides the short drive-by Dale and I did this summer. The time frame seemed to be a week or two post surgery. I was sitting on the floor where my grandpa's recliner used to be and Bill was STANDING at the other side of the living room. He walked past me to get to the kitchen. I thought nothing of it until he came back and stood in the same place he had been before. I checked myself and then asked him aloud, "Did you just walk by me to the kitchen?" "Yep!" he answered. He walked better than he did before the accident. At that point almost like an out of body experience (only I have never had one) I had an overwhelming feeling of things were ok and that things are going to work out.
So how do
You all know your prayers mean the world to all of us and that they are working. The proof is above. Please keep them coming.
Friday, September 24, 2010
Bill update - post surgery
My FIL's surgery went well. They had to remove 2 discs, which wasn't planned, but they were so badly damaged there was no repairing them. So out they came and a steel cage was inserted in their place. They also removed a lot of the ligaments because of all the damage to them. He had some problems with his oxygenation. He was on 100% oxygen, but he was only oxygenating 90% of that (sorry for my lack of medical vocab)! He also had to be intubated again. I was afraid of that mainly because I didn't know how soon they would go back to the trach after that and he had such relief since the trach was in. But, they got the trach back in and I believe it is a smaller one, so good deal.
The other thing was the amount of fluid his chest cavity had in it. This had a great deal to do with the oxygenation issues. The assisting surgeon put a chest tube in to see if she could get any fluid out of the chest cavity. It worked so she tried the other side. Worked like a charm and they got 2 liters out in a very short amount of time. It made a huge difference in his breathing. He is gaining so much fluid due to the paralysis. If his body inside and out isn't functioning like it should then that fluid isn't moving and it just collects causing pressure on his lungs and diaphragm which make it extremely hard to breathe easily.
So, the main thing right now is the risk of infection. Since his trach is near all this new hardware in his neck there is a higher risk of infection for the next 4 to 6 weeks and if you have been following along he has had his share of infections! We just hope that his body can fight those bugs off for the next month. If all goes well he can start to get up in the next week or so, sitting in a chair and all. Hopefully this will help with the fluid build up. Once he is stable and things are going well he will be moved closer to home for the vent weaning and then to real rehab!
In the beginning surgery was not an option because he was not stable enough. This surgery was a necessity to get him out of the hospital. His response when he woke up was a smile and a little relief. He told Linda, "Well, I made it. Prayers were answered." He wants to live and he wants to fight and we couldn't really get any better news then that right now. We just have to keep his spirits up. I think he knows what is waiting for him when he gets out of there. His boys just can't wait to see their PaPa Bill any longer. And I'm sure Bill is feeling the same!
My nephew was actually there with us yesterday. Bill is now in a room with a window and there is a parking garage right outside of his window. They held Connor up to see his grandpa. I don't think Bill could see him very well, but Connor could see. Bill smiled anyway. I have to tell you a stupid thing I said when Connor was telling me about this. Without a thought I started to ask Connor if grandpa waved. As soon as the word "wave" was coming out of my mouth I realized what I was saying. No you dumbass, he didn't wave. Anyway, let's just blame that one on the pregnancy, shall we?!
He actually got some real substance in food last night. He can eat at an oatmeal consistency and have liquids now. He started to be able to do this a couple days before the surgery and we didn't know how soon after surgery he would be able to eat again. This was great news and what a difference! After not eating for a month or more I'm sure this feels like an early Christmas present.
Right now, I can't tell you how good this feels that we have a huge step forward checked off. To have family and the pastor there with us felt amazing and to have all the love and support from comments, cards, phone calls, and prayers... we just can't describe. There are major changes coming out of this year and the next and it is not all going to be a skip in the park, but God is at the controls and we are just relying on his direction. There's nothing more that we can do. Thank you all so much!
The other thing was the amount of fluid his chest cavity had in it. This had a great deal to do with the oxygenation issues. The assisting surgeon put a chest tube in to see if she could get any fluid out of the chest cavity. It worked so she tried the other side. Worked like a charm and they got 2 liters out in a very short amount of time. It made a huge difference in his breathing. He is gaining so much fluid due to the paralysis. If his body inside and out isn't functioning like it should then that fluid isn't moving and it just collects causing pressure on his lungs and diaphragm which make it extremely hard to breathe easily.
So, the main thing right now is the risk of infection. Since his trach is near all this new hardware in his neck there is a higher risk of infection for the next 4 to 6 weeks and if you have been following along he has had his share of infections! We just hope that his body can fight those bugs off for the next month. If all goes well he can start to get up in the next week or so, sitting in a chair and all. Hopefully this will help with the fluid build up. Once he is stable and things are going well he will be moved closer to home for the vent weaning and then to real rehab!
In the beginning surgery was not an option because he was not stable enough. This surgery was a necessity to get him out of the hospital. His response when he woke up was a smile and a little relief. He told Linda, "Well, I made it. Prayers were answered." He wants to live and he wants to fight and we couldn't really get any better news then that right now. We just have to keep his spirits up. I think he knows what is waiting for him when he gets out of there. His boys just can't wait to see their PaPa Bill any longer. And I'm sure Bill is feeling the same!
My nephew was actually there with us yesterday. Bill is now in a room with a window and there is a parking garage right outside of his window. They held Connor up to see his grandpa. I don't think Bill could see him very well, but Connor could see. Bill smiled anyway. I have to tell you a stupid thing I said when Connor was telling me about this. Without a thought I started to ask Connor if grandpa waved. As soon as the word "wave" was coming out of my mouth I realized what I was saying. No you dumbass, he didn't wave. Anyway, let's just blame that one on the pregnancy, shall we?!
He actually got some real substance in food last night. He can eat at an oatmeal consistency and have liquids now. He started to be able to do this a couple days before the surgery and we didn't know how soon after surgery he would be able to eat again. This was great news and what a difference! After not eating for a month or more I'm sure this feels like an early Christmas present.
Right now, I can't tell you how good this feels that we have a huge step forward checked off. To have family and the pastor there with us felt amazing and to have all the love and support from comments, cards, phone calls, and prayers... we just can't describe. There are major changes coming out of this year and the next and it is not all going to be a skip in the park, but God is at the controls and we are just relying on his direction. There's nothing more that we can do. Thank you all so much!
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
Wordless or Wordy Wednesday and a FIL update
One of Waylon's most difficult times is when we get home from work and the babysitters. He is the whiniest thing ever. I can hardly do anything to cheer him up. So, yesterday as I was changing out of my work clothes to start dinner as he was whining at my feet I asked him to put my shirt in the laundry basket. He asked, "Wear it?" instead. I hesitated but then thought if that would cheer him up for 5 minutes why not. Well, he wanted my socks I wore with my boots all day and my boots as well. He didn't make it a step in the boots. The socks ... just gross, but it was worth the laugh.
Here he is. I love his face here. He was reluctant for me to take pictures as he should be, so I had to hurry up and get them as fast as I could. If he had longer hair he would make one pretty girl with those blue eyes and extremely long eyelashes. YES, he WILL hate me for this one day and I DO plan on using it if I need to ; )!
I just wanted to point out that I didn't even need to pick up the house before I took these pictures. My house has been clean lately and it is all because of me. Thank goodness for some nesting spurts lately! It feels so good to come home to a clean house every night even if it is destroyed 2 seconds later.
We didn't show or tell daddy, but daddy would be happy to know that his little boy soon wanted his mommy's shirt off and wasn't too pleased with the whole ordeal, but he asked for it! He quickly headed to the garage to play on his dad's mower in true boy style. He even has a few new big bruises. I guess he needed to feel a bit manly again.
For more Wordless or Wordy Wednesday pictures go visit A Beautiful Mess and check out the linky.
Bill Update:
Surgery tomorrow morning. Dale and I are heading out tonight. This is to fuse his vertebra in his neck for more stability and less risk of anymore harm being done to his spinal cord. Hopefully this will be the 1st huge step in getting him literally back on his feet even if it takes a year or more. The goal is a week of recovery at the same NTICU he has been at for over a month and then to a rehab close to home to get him completely off the vent. Once he gets over that hump the long road and hard fight to recovery starts. Please pray for Bill tomorrow and the whole family. Even this surgery is a HUGE risk. I'll update soon with the results.
Our home church, which we haven't been back to since all of this started because of our weekend travels is calling off the regular Wednesday night AWANA and business meetings to have a special prayer meeting for Bill and all of us. That really touches our hearts and means the world to us. Even though we can't be there with them they continue to be here for us. Thanks again for those of you that have been beside us with your thoughts, cards, and prayers. You all are carrying all of us. If you would like to read more and start praying along with us you can read posts labeled "Bill". You can find that in the right hand side of the blog. We can never have enough prayer.
Thursday, September 9, 2010
"You're going to get it now"
He said in a whispered voice. That's right, Bill spoke yesterday. We had a much needed day full of good news. Linda was in a great mood and couldn't wait to spread it around. No, he hasn't gotten up and walked out of the hospital, although that would be a miracle we have all been praying for. He was able to actually speak his 1st words since all of this happened. Yes, it was a whisper but it was better than the mouth charades we were dealing with. And his first words in true ornery Bill style. They have to release the balloon from the trach when they do this so it isn't like he can talk from here on out, but they at least give him some time where he can have the balloon off.
His puffiness is going down and he was off of the vent from about 9 to well after 5 yesterday. Great, great signs. He also wasn't as sedated. Nothing came back on the cat scan except that he does have fluid in his chest cavity, but not in his lungs, which again, is not ideal, but better than fluid in the lungs. He is supposed to have another swallow test soon to see if he can start having liquids. He did have some heart issues last night or the night before (I have forgotten which) but they got that taken care of and it doesn't seem to be an issue right now. He couldn't feel it when it was happening but you could see it on the screen apparently.
Linda is thinking another week for him to be in there (NTICU). They are still dealing with the staph infection, but don't know how long that will linger. And they are also still considering the spinal fusion surgery in his neck, but Linda is trying not to think about that. Hopefully he can be transferred soon and one step closer to his recovery.
See, the prayers are working. We had a much needed day yesterday especially after the weekend. Please keep them coming and again I can't thank you all enough.
A side note, the Life flight helicopter was a big hit with the boys when we were there last weekend. We spent a lot of time in the sky walk where you can see the helicopter pretty well. Linda was talking to one of the male nurses yesterday and explaining how much her boys loved it. He happens to be part of the team of nurses that will fly with them when needed. He offered to give an up close and personal tour of the helicopter letting them sit in it and all the next time they come. That would make their entire week. Hopefully we can work something out for this weekend. I would really love for them to do that, but I'm not saying anything yet because if it doesn't happen I will be known as the worst mother on earth! Plus, you all should really hear Waylon say "helll I cop ttteeeRRR". It's the cutest thing ever.
As you can probably tell this is pretty much constantly on my mind. It is still unbelievable to us. Yesterday on the way home I was just thinking about how active he was. How he would goose the boys or go outside and build makeshift playgrounds for them or throw a ball or something small like that. Things we take for granted being able to do every single day of our lives and to think he can't even poke his grandsons in the sides and make that funny duck sound anymore that makes them crack up. I can just hear him yell "Hey" at the boys as he did pretty much every Sunday when he would come in for our family dinners. I miss it like mad and took it for granted when that time was here. That kills me. My prayer yesterday that I repeated on my 50 minute drive home was to give him his life back. God can do that. Maybe that is selfish because he is still with us, but I want him as close to normal as possible. God CAN do that.
His puffiness is going down and he was off of the vent from about 9 to well after 5 yesterday. Great, great signs. He also wasn't as sedated. Nothing came back on the cat scan except that he does have fluid in his chest cavity, but not in his lungs, which again, is not ideal, but better than fluid in the lungs. He is supposed to have another swallow test soon to see if he can start having liquids. He did have some heart issues last night or the night before (I have forgotten which) but they got that taken care of and it doesn't seem to be an issue right now. He couldn't feel it when it was happening but you could see it on the screen apparently.
Linda is thinking another week for him to be in there (NTICU). They are still dealing with the staph infection, but don't know how long that will linger. And they are also still considering the spinal fusion surgery in his neck, but Linda is trying not to think about that. Hopefully he can be transferred soon and one step closer to his recovery.
See, the prayers are working. We had a much needed day yesterday especially after the weekend. Please keep them coming and again I can't thank you all enough.
A side note, the Life flight helicopter was a big hit with the boys when we were there last weekend. We spent a lot of time in the sky walk where you can see the helicopter pretty well. Linda was talking to one of the male nurses yesterday and explaining how much her boys loved it. He happens to be part of the team of nurses that will fly with them when needed. He offered to give an up close and personal tour of the helicopter letting them sit in it and all the next time they come. That would make their entire week. Hopefully we can work something out for this weekend. I would really love for them to do that, but I'm not saying anything yet because if it doesn't happen I will be known as the worst mother on earth! Plus, you all should really hear Waylon say "helll I cop ttteeeRRR". It's the cutest thing ever.
As you can probably tell this is pretty much constantly on my mind. It is still unbelievable to us. Yesterday on the way home I was just thinking about how active he was. How he would goose the boys or go outside and build makeshift playgrounds for them or throw a ball or something small like that. Things we take for granted being able to do every single day of our lives and to think he can't even poke his grandsons in the sides and make that funny duck sound anymore that makes them crack up. I can just hear him yell "Hey" at the boys as he did pretty much every Sunday when he would come in for our family dinners. I miss it like mad and took it for granted when that time was here. That kills me. My prayer yesterday that I repeated on my 50 minute drive home was to give him his life back. God can do that. Maybe that is selfish because he is still with us, but I want him as close to normal as possible. God CAN do that.
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
Pregger talk around our house
To liven things up a bit around here I will give you a pregnancy post. I have been collecting pregnancy thoughts lately and my list is getting pretty long, so it's time to share.
First of all pregnancy brain. It exists. Don't let anyone fool you into believing it doesn't!! Here are a few examples:
Enough about possible things that may have happened to me and onto what the excited big brothers are saying about our new family member with the anxiously awaited arrival date.
"How do you get the baby out?"
"How long will that baby get here?" Asked all the time!
First of all pregnancy brain. It exists. Don't let anyone fool you into believing it doesn't!! Here are a few examples:
- You might get lost going to your brother's house .... when you just might have been there the day before
- You might frantically shout the name of and look for your thought to be missing child .... while you are holding said child
- Your hormones may cause you to get in the biggest fights with your husband .... they might even be frequent over ridiculous stuff
- This might be the time that your always right self is suddenly always wrong.
Enough about possible things that may have happened to me and onto what the excited big brothers are saying about our new family member with the anxiously awaited arrival date.
 |
| Don't think I look small here. This is at least 3 weeks ago and I am sitting down. A comparison post to come as soon as I can remember to take my picture when I am home. |
From the 4 year old's mouth:
"Do you have a baby in your stomach"
"Is it a big one""Can you breath with a baby in your stomach"
He is dead set on naming a girl baby Addison and a boy baby Kade. Those are the two babies at the baby sitter currently.
He still thinks it is a girl"How do you get the baby out?"
"Is it hard? "
"Does it hurt?""How long will that baby get here?" Asked all the time!
"Does your tummy hurt?"
"I'm pretty sure I would like a little sister?""I want a brother like Waylon."
"Those things are like punching bags!" They ARE NOT punching bags!!!
"Can I kiss and hug the baby?"
"Can I lay on the baby?"
"And I can feed this baby a bottle just like I did Waylon?"
"Every night the baby climbs out of your stomach to sleep and then goes back in there"
"I think I want to name the baby James"
"My tummy is getting big" (Me) So is mine. "I know, there are two babies in there" (Me) Go sit in time-out!!!
And Wayners thoughts:
"Baby go nigh nigh in nere" (there) (while pointing to the bassinet)
"Baby" as he rubs his chubby dimple knuckled hand across the top of my belly (Ok, so he usually rubs my boob 1st before I have to redirect him.)
"Baby, Aw sweet baby" (muah) as he kisses and hugs my stomach
So, do you have any stories to share? What pregnancy brain things have you your friends pulled? What did the big kids have to say about their sibling on the way? Let me know. I would love to hear your (or your friend's) stories.
Bill update:
The boys and I weren't allowed back in the room because of Bill's staph infection. The boys really wanted to see their papa Bill. Waylon kept asking if papa Bill go home? I think that ripped at Dale's heart a bit. They sure did love seeing their grandma though. Waylon didn't let her out of his sight without letting you know he wasn't happy about it and Wyatt got to sleep with her on the "couch bed" which was really awesome of course. I think it was really refreshing to have them around especially for Linda. Hard to think too deeply about the situation at hand and absorb what is going on though, which I don't know, I guess is a good thing.
They are really trying to wean him from the vent still but he is getting pretty anxious about it so they have been sedating him pretty heavily. They didn't want him to have people back there or at least as few as possible to help him remain calm. If he sees someone he kind of panics with how his breathing is going and tells them to put the vent back on. To him he feels like he is struggling to breath but all of his signs are still normal. I just can't imagine.
So, Dale didn't get to visit with him much, but Bill knew he was there. Bill is also getting pretty puffy. They aren't exactly sure why at this point though. He had a cat scan done on his stomach Saturday, but we don't know the results yet, or at least I haven't heard. I guess things are really irritating his skin as well. Even his gown seems painful to be touching him. I'm sure it seems like a much more grim situation since I couldn't physically see him this time. It always reassured me when I could see him in action vs what people tell me. But that's that. Still working on a rehab place to get him into for the vent weaning and the physical therapy. I'm still not sure of the hold up there, but it seems to be taking forever. Again, thanks for the prayers and notes of concern.
Thursday, September 2, 2010
Family Update and a big ole brain dump
How's Bill (Dale's dad)?
How is Linda (Dale's mom)?
Up and down as well. We would have loved to give her the news that she has been waiting for that her granddaughter is on the way, but another boy for her. Her mom isn't doing too well. She has been in the hospital once since all of this happened with Bill. Linda has been there for him all the time living out of a hotel room. We hate that she is going through all of this, but she is a trooper and much stronger than she sometimes seems.
Wyatt talked to her the other day on the phone. She hasn't talked to him since she went to Springfield. Wyatt told her unprompted and all that he prays for Grandpa Bill every night and hopes he gets to feeling better. Which he really does and so does Waylon (he requires some help though). I am so proud of this kid and the conversation he held with her, I can't even TELL you how much. I almost cried listening to him. What a kind and thoughtful heart he has (sometimes).
How's Dale?
You guys, I thought I loved this guy a lot, but I know even more so now. He is handling this in such a healthy and inspirational way. I am so proud of the man he is and the example my 3 BOYS are getting in a man. This hurts Dale like no other, don't get me wrong. He LOVES his dad! They don't exchange the words "I love you" but everything they do together displays how much they actually do love each other. In a way he has lost a huge part of his dad. They have spent countless hours together working on things, big manly things, things I wouldn't touch with a 10 foot pole or have the slightest desire to.
They have spent so much time working on Bill's truck together it isn't funny. And Dale enjoys that so much, that is gone for now. On the weekends if nothing big is going on you can find Dale and his dad in that nasty dirty shop working on truck things. I use to get mad because I wanted that time to be spent with me and didn't understand why in the world he would choose that over me. Then I realized that is what they do and that is what they love and we don't know how long they will get to do it together. THANK GOD I realized that several years ago!
Dale is talking about it, all of it. He talks about how he feels, what he is scared of, how what someone said really touched him, etc. He even cries when he needs to cry. Is he angry? You betcha! It is tearing him up inside, but he is handling it and realizing God is in control. Not to say he won't have a few huge questions once he enters those gates.
I am so proud of him, and so in love with him, and so excited and happy that he is what is holding our family together and showing our boys the way with a little help from above of course.
Thank you all so much for your concern, for your emails, phone calls, packages, meals fixed, texts, facebook messages, twitter messages, comments on my blog, etc. All of it, THANK YOU! Our journey through getting this man back on his feet (literally) is far from over. Please, please, please continue to pray for Bill and all the rest of us to keep our spirits and our hope alive because when it gets hard the easy thing for us to do is to give up, let down our faith, and start to feel sorry for ourselves. Thank you for being there to pick us up now and in the future!
- Still in NTICU in Springfield.
- He has been given a swallow test the last few days which hasn't gone well because of the remaining swelling in his vocal cords. Passing this test would mean he can have liquids by mouth.
- He has been having some chest pains but all blood work and scans are coming back normal, so no signs of heart attack or stroke at this point.
- Has a staph infection in his lungs and is on antibiotics to get rid of it. BAD news!
- More talk of surgery to possible fuse his vertebra in his neck for more stability. His bruise is at C-4 and the two breaks are at C-7 and T-1. In an X-Ray the other day they determined that C-5 and C-6 have moved.
- Has been able to be off of the ventilator completely with just "flow by", which is oxygen and humidity. His diaphragm is getting a great work out. He still feels as if he is struggling a bit to breath, but all of his levels look fine. They are still putting him back on the vent at night to help him rest better.
- Still cannot have liquids by mouth other than sponged water.
- The doctor explained to Linda this week that he didn't expect Bill to be alive once he arrived in the ambulance. This injury should have killed him right away, but his heart is keeping him going and the only reason he is here is because of the strength of his heart.
- His mood is up and down. Some very, very sweet and thoughtful person sent him some balloons and candy bars this week, which made his day. You know who you are and thank you so very much again!!! He can't have the candy yet, but he is motivated to get to the point where he can.
- His birthday is Saturday. We are going to take the boys down. They most likely won't get to see him, but they can at least see Linda, which she needs.
How is Linda (Dale's mom)?
Up and down as well. We would have loved to give her the news that she has been waiting for that her granddaughter is on the way, but another boy for her. Her mom isn't doing too well. She has been in the hospital once since all of this happened with Bill. Linda has been there for him all the time living out of a hotel room. We hate that she is going through all of this, but she is a trooper and much stronger than she sometimes seems.
Wyatt talked to her the other day on the phone. She hasn't talked to him since she went to Springfield. Wyatt told her unprompted and all that he prays for Grandpa Bill every night and hopes he gets to feeling better. Which he really does and so does Waylon (he requires some help though). I am so proud of this kid and the conversation he held with her, I can't even TELL you how much. I almost cried listening to him. What a kind and thoughtful heart he has (sometimes).
How's Dale?
You guys, I thought I loved this guy a lot, but I know even more so now. He is handling this in such a healthy and inspirational way. I am so proud of the man he is and the example my 3 BOYS are getting in a man. This hurts Dale like no other, don't get me wrong. He LOVES his dad! They don't exchange the words "I love you" but everything they do together displays how much they actually do love each other. In a way he has lost a huge part of his dad. They have spent countless hours together working on things, big manly things, things I wouldn't touch with a 10 foot pole or have the slightest desire to.
They have spent so much time working on Bill's truck together it isn't funny. And Dale enjoys that so much, that is gone for now. On the weekends if nothing big is going on you can find Dale and his dad in that nasty dirty shop working on truck things. I use to get mad because I wanted that time to be spent with me and didn't understand why in the world he would choose that over me. Then I realized that is what they do and that is what they love and we don't know how long they will get to do it together. THANK GOD I realized that several years ago!
Dale is talking about it, all of it. He talks about how he feels, what he is scared of, how what someone said really touched him, etc. He even cries when he needs to cry. Is he angry? You betcha! It is tearing him up inside, but he is handling it and realizing God is in control. Not to say he won't have a few huge questions once he enters those gates.
I am so proud of him, and so in love with him, and so excited and happy that he is what is holding our family together and showing our boys the way with a little help from above of course.
Thank you all so much for your concern, for your emails, phone calls, packages, meals fixed, texts, facebook messages, twitter messages, comments on my blog, etc. All of it, THANK YOU! Our journey through getting this man back on his feet (literally) is far from over. Please, please, please continue to pray for Bill and all the rest of us to keep our spirits and our hope alive because when it gets hard the easy thing for us to do is to give up, let down our faith, and start to feel sorry for ourselves. Thank you for being there to pick us up now and in the future!
Friday, August 27, 2010
Family update
I've been away for awhile. Some of you know why. The others are about to find out. I have been debating whether or not to post what is all going on, but this is my blog I created to document things about our family, so for no other reason than to document this time I'm going to post it.
Thursday, August 19th
I get a call from work from my sister in law informing me that my father in law had fallen from his semi. He has had falls before, I was concerned, but not scared about what was going on. She asked me to let Dale know and told me her and my mother in law were headed to Springfield in thoughts of bringing him home from the hospital that day. I emailed Dale thinking we will just see what we needed to do after work.
Little did I know my SIL had called the school to let Dale know the real news once they arrived in Springfield. He was in ICU on life support and has head trauma along with a broken neck. I was shocked. He was shocked. Dale was angry to say the least.
Friday, August 20th
Dale left 1st thing with his aunt and uncle to go get my FIL's semi and bring it home before it was towed. They visited my FIL for awhile and met with some doctors. The news we got that day was unbelievable, seriously unbelievable. I worked that morning because I couldn't do much else, but soon found out that I couldn't be at work thinking about what was going on at home and where I could be helping out. I left around noon to go to Dale's grandma's house where his other aunt was also there trying to keep her nerves in check.
A storm quickly rolled in shortly after I arrived. Tornado and all. That was the last thing we needed is to have the houses blown away, but it gave our minds a break. Not much damage done, a few broken limbs and some clean up to do but no big deal.
Once that minor storm blew over the real one hit. We got the phone call with an update. It wasn't good. They were giving him the weekend to show improvement. If none was shown they would be making a decision on Monday to remove the vent. Meaning he would go for however long his own breathing would take him and that would be it. That would be the end. Ridiculous, unbelievable, heartbreaking, devastating news.
We all cried. I personally felt like throwing the kitchen table across the room and probably would have if I was in my own house. How in the world could this be the news we were getting. He had a fall. Not a stroke, not a heart attack, not something to do with his diabetes, nothing like that. A stupid f'in stumble and now this. It didn't seem fair. What about his grand boys? What about the new baby on the way? What about Dale? How is it fair to him to be losing his dad? How is it fair to Bill who works his ass off everyday of his life to support and do whatever his family needs? How is it fair to Linda to have to go through this with her husband? How is it fair to his mom to be losing her 1st born child before she goes? It's not fair and there doesn't seem to be a reason, but I think we all know the truth to that.
We made arrangements for the kids to be taken care of while Dale's sister and I headed to Springfield in the pouring rain that night. It was a long trip, but one that we had to make. I thought my biggest hurdle would be facing Dale. I knew this was killing him. God protected me from that though. Dale and I had a couple of conversations about stuff he needed me to get and he sounded ok. When we got to the hotel it was late and we were all exhausted so we all went to sleep.
Saturday, August 21st
Visiting hours started at 8. We were up and ready to head to the hospital. Dale was outside with his sister as I grabbed a few things from the room. It was a hard morning. We headed to the hospital to be greeted by his mom who was in great spirits. She had her fighting attitude on and lifted us all up. Saturday was a good day. He showed signs of movement in his legs and toes, the right leg especially. That was music to our ears.
There were visitors, text messages, facebook messages, loving words passed on from others. The support and love shown was amazing. Saturday was a good day.
Sunday, August 22nd
Not much improvement shown on this day. He has been conscious and aware of what has been happening since Saturday morning. He was answering us shaking his head yes or no and trying to mouth some words. That was frustrating at times. He remembered what happened and it wasn't anything medical, just a fall. We spent the day taking turns in and out of the room. Soaking in as much time as we could with him and watching for any more signs.
Monday, August 23rd
This was a hard day for me. There seemed to be some regression, not much movement. Easy to lose some hope on this day. This was my break down day. I was missing the boys, the big picture of this situation was slapping me in the face, and I realized this is the exact time two years ago when I was in the hospital for my miscarriage. I was ready to write August off for the rest of my life.
Bill was showing even less improvement this day and this was the reassessment day. He was faced with 3 options. 1. Keep the ventilator in through the mouth, but it would start to cause problems in his throat. Bill was ready to yank the thing out himself if he could. His mouth was sore and he was extremely uncomfortable. 2. Switch to a trach to keep the vent to keep monitoring his breathing abilities. 3. Take it all out and leave him on his own to see how long he lasted. The doctor said it wouldn't be long.
He didn't want to make the decision and he had told us before he didn't want the trach. He wanted to get it all off and have people leave him alone, but when it came to decision time he wouldn't make the call. Him and Dale spent some time together. Dale explained what each of them meant and that he would do what Bill wanted him to do, but it would have to be Bill that made the decision. He decided to go with the trach.
It was good news to all of us. More time to heal, more time to see what this is going to do with his body, more time to see what the future holds. Since I don't think I have gotten to the exact injury and condition I guess I should spell that out too.
There is no for sure recovery we are getting. Since the spinal cord is bruised some or most of that damage could dissipate once it heals more or he could continue to be in this state for the rest of his life.
Tuesday, August 24th - today, Friday, August 27th
Dale and I went home to work for a couple days and to spend some much needed time with our boys. They have been having a blast. They had a slumber party with their uncle Billy and spent some time with Nae Nae and Pa Pa.
Bill has been getting his surgery for his trach, the feeding tube in his stomach and a filter just below his heart to prevent blood clots. Linda has been here since day 1. She is tired and when Bill gets down she tries to pump him back up, but she hates it when he gets like that and it weakens her spirits even though she doesn't show Bill that. She is staying strong for him.
We came back last night for the weekend. He looks so much better with the trach and he can communicate a lot better or I should say we can understand him a lot better. He has been asking about his boys and that puts a smile on his face. He has also been asking for root beer and grape pop. He's getting it. Dale made a special run last night around the hospital to find his dad some grape pop. Of course he didn't disappoint. The doctor said today he can have whatever drink he wants and can also have some ice cream. I think this has been the best news to Bill in the last week!!! The doc also said that Bill can sit up enough without a collar (neck brace) as far as he can as long as the neck doesn't go forward. This has been some great news this morning. Last night he kept asking Linda to get him up.
So, we are here when we can be and the next steps are to find a rehab place and get him transferred. The 1st step is getting him off of the vent. 2nd step is the long road to his recovery. We need to keep hope, which from day to day can easily become a struggle as some days seem a lot better than others. And PRAY! Pray that God's will is done and that we praise him for the work he is performing in not only Bill, but everyone affected or touched by the situation. It really puts things into perspective. You never know what's waiting around the corner for you. Make the play date, eat the desert first, hug your kid an extra time, make that phone call, write that letter. Do it!
Bill is use to working hard. He has worked hard his entire life. No need to stop now. Just change the focus.
I can't thank everyone enough for all the support, prayers, hugs, offerings of help. It all makes such a huge difference to those that are going through some of the worst moments in their lives. I just say thank you and please, please, please keep the prayers coming.
Thursday, August 19th
I get a call from work from my sister in law informing me that my father in law had fallen from his semi. He has had falls before, I was concerned, but not scared about what was going on. She asked me to let Dale know and told me her and my mother in law were headed to Springfield in thoughts of bringing him home from the hospital that day. I emailed Dale thinking we will just see what we needed to do after work.
Little did I know my SIL had called the school to let Dale know the real news once they arrived in Springfield. He was in ICU on life support and has head trauma along with a broken neck. I was shocked. He was shocked. Dale was angry to say the least.
Friday, August 20th
Dale left 1st thing with his aunt and uncle to go get my FIL's semi and bring it home before it was towed. They visited my FIL for awhile and met with some doctors. The news we got that day was unbelievable, seriously unbelievable. I worked that morning because I couldn't do much else, but soon found out that I couldn't be at work thinking about what was going on at home and where I could be helping out. I left around noon to go to Dale's grandma's house where his other aunt was also there trying to keep her nerves in check.
A storm quickly rolled in shortly after I arrived. Tornado and all. That was the last thing we needed is to have the houses blown away, but it gave our minds a break. Not much damage done, a few broken limbs and some clean up to do but no big deal.
Once that minor storm blew over the real one hit. We got the phone call with an update. It wasn't good. They were giving him the weekend to show improvement. If none was shown they would be making a decision on Monday to remove the vent. Meaning he would go for however long his own breathing would take him and that would be it. That would be the end. Ridiculous, unbelievable, heartbreaking, devastating news.
We all cried. I personally felt like throwing the kitchen table across the room and probably would have if I was in my own house. How in the world could this be the news we were getting. He had a fall. Not a stroke, not a heart attack, not something to do with his diabetes, nothing like that. A stupid f'in stumble and now this. It didn't seem fair. What about his grand boys? What about the new baby on the way? What about Dale? How is it fair to him to be losing his dad? How is it fair to Bill who works his ass off everyday of his life to support and do whatever his family needs? How is it fair to Linda to have to go through this with her husband? How is it fair to his mom to be losing her 1st born child before she goes? It's not fair and there doesn't seem to be a reason, but I think we all know the truth to that.
We made arrangements for the kids to be taken care of while Dale's sister and I headed to Springfield in the pouring rain that night. It was a long trip, but one that we had to make. I thought my biggest hurdle would be facing Dale. I knew this was killing him. God protected me from that though. Dale and I had a couple of conversations about stuff he needed me to get and he sounded ok. When we got to the hotel it was late and we were all exhausted so we all went to sleep.
Saturday, August 21st
Visiting hours started at 8. We were up and ready to head to the hospital. Dale was outside with his sister as I grabbed a few things from the room. It was a hard morning. We headed to the hospital to be greeted by his mom who was in great spirits. She had her fighting attitude on and lifted us all up. Saturday was a good day. He showed signs of movement in his legs and toes, the right leg especially. That was music to our ears.
There were visitors, text messages, facebook messages, loving words passed on from others. The support and love shown was amazing. Saturday was a good day.
Sunday, August 22nd
Not much improvement shown on this day. He has been conscious and aware of what has been happening since Saturday morning. He was answering us shaking his head yes or no and trying to mouth some words. That was frustrating at times. He remembered what happened and it wasn't anything medical, just a fall. We spent the day taking turns in and out of the room. Soaking in as much time as we could with him and watching for any more signs.
Monday, August 23rd
This was a hard day for me. There seemed to be some regression, not much movement. Easy to lose some hope on this day. This was my break down day. I was missing the boys, the big picture of this situation was slapping me in the face, and I realized this is the exact time two years ago when I was in the hospital for my miscarriage. I was ready to write August off for the rest of my life.
Bill was showing even less improvement this day and this was the reassessment day. He was faced with 3 options. 1. Keep the ventilator in through the mouth, but it would start to cause problems in his throat. Bill was ready to yank the thing out himself if he could. His mouth was sore and he was extremely uncomfortable. 2. Switch to a trach to keep the vent to keep monitoring his breathing abilities. 3. Take it all out and leave him on his own to see how long he lasted. The doctor said it wouldn't be long.
He didn't want to make the decision and he had told us before he didn't want the trach. He wanted to get it all off and have people leave him alone, but when it came to decision time he wouldn't make the call. Him and Dale spent some time together. Dale explained what each of them meant and that he would do what Bill wanted him to do, but it would have to be Bill that made the decision. He decided to go with the trach.
It was good news to all of us. More time to heal, more time to see what this is going to do with his body, more time to see what the future holds. Since I don't think I have gotten to the exact injury and condition I guess I should spell that out too.
- A badly bruised spinal cord at C-4
- A broken vertebra at C-7 and T-1
- Head trauma
- Paralyzed from mid chest down
- Breathing on his own 100% at this point
- Fluid seeping into his lungs - he has had a couple of bouts of fluid getting into his lungs and causing him to pretty much suffocate. This would be one huge risk of being off the ventilator and having paralysis. On the vent the machine can let us know this is happening. Off, there is no way to tell us. They quickly started giving him Lasiks to get the fluid off, which worked, but more signs he shows like this and until he gets stronger this is going to be our biggest obstacle in getting him off the vent.
There is no for sure recovery we are getting. Since the spinal cord is bruised some or most of that damage could dissipate once it heals more or he could continue to be in this state for the rest of his life.
Tuesday, August 24th - today, Friday, August 27th
Dale and I went home to work for a couple days and to spend some much needed time with our boys. They have been having a blast. They had a slumber party with their uncle Billy and spent some time with Nae Nae and Pa Pa.
Bill has been getting his surgery for his trach, the feeding tube in his stomach and a filter just below his heart to prevent blood clots. Linda has been here since day 1. She is tired and when Bill gets down she tries to pump him back up, but she hates it when he gets like that and it weakens her spirits even though she doesn't show Bill that. She is staying strong for him.
We came back last night for the weekend. He looks so much better with the trach and he can communicate a lot better or I should say we can understand him a lot better. He has been asking about his boys and that puts a smile on his face. He has also been asking for root beer and grape pop. He's getting it. Dale made a special run last night around the hospital to find his dad some grape pop. Of course he didn't disappoint. The doctor said today he can have whatever drink he wants and can also have some ice cream. I think this has been the best news to Bill in the last week!!! The doc also said that Bill can sit up enough without a collar (neck brace) as far as he can as long as the neck doesn't go forward. This has been some great news this morning. Last night he kept asking Linda to get him up.
So, we are here when we can be and the next steps are to find a rehab place and get him transferred. The 1st step is getting him off of the vent. 2nd step is the long road to his recovery. We need to keep hope, which from day to day can easily become a struggle as some days seem a lot better than others. And PRAY! Pray that God's will is done and that we praise him for the work he is performing in not only Bill, but everyone affected or touched by the situation. It really puts things into perspective. You never know what's waiting around the corner for you. Make the play date, eat the desert first, hug your kid an extra time, make that phone call, write that letter. Do it!
Bill is use to working hard. He has worked hard his entire life. No need to stop now. Just change the focus.
I can't thank everyone enough for all the support, prayers, hugs, offerings of help. It all makes such a huge difference to those that are going through some of the worst moments in their lives. I just say thank you and please, please, please keep the prayers coming.
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