Way too close for comfort

Yesterday, a day of processing some pretty deep feelings. 

Meet the teacher night. 

Them, ice cream

Us, dinner

A night of talking and tears and reconnecting. 

The morning, an emotional hangover. 

Bags under my eyes and my face swollen.

I was determined to have a good day

75 miles per hour

To pretend that the reset button worked this time

Gravel and dirt hitting my windshield

Today, I felt blessed

Tan car

Friends and family in my life stepped out to tell me how they felt

Burning rubber

To support me 

The squealing sound of tires and highway

To show their love

Fractions of a second

Today was better

Inches from changing everything

We prepared for his big day

What if I was earlier

Walked faster to the garage

Didn't get stopped at that stop light

Didn't get stuck by that frustratingly slow car

Would he even get to celebrate his first day tomorrow

Would I be there to sink my head in their shoulders during that hug held just a little bit longer

The smell of their shampoo

Wet footprints on the floor

Clean, cool skin

Wet hair and clean jammies

Tears just at the edge of my eyes and the lump in my throat just waiting

Split seconds

A wake up call

Am I really listening

That tan car spun out of control inches in front of my car on 35 on my way home.  Inches.  I was blinded by the dirt and gravel.  I held my breath as I slammed on my brakes and prayed that the back end of my car would gain control as I narrowly missed broadsiding the Taurus at 75 miles an hour.  I didn't know if there was another car in the mix or if there was something crashed on the other side of the dust bowl.  I came to a stop on the side of the road.  Controlled.  Untouched.  Scared.  Still watching in the rear view mirror the Taurus spin behind me through both lanes and the median.  Where I think it came to a stop.  Thankfully missing everyone else in its path near the south bound lanes. 

The car behind me stopped.  I'm not sure if he was as scared as I was.  We sat there.  My hazards on.  The dirt scattered all over the highway around me.  My heart racing almost out of control.  I placed my hand on my heart as tears rolled down my cheeks.  I wanted to hit the steering wheel, "I've been listening, I've been praying.  Why did I need that?"  Then quickly realizing the blessing that I was just given in a major way.  Thank you, Lord for sparing me.  Thank you, Lord for keeping me and everyone else safe.  Thank you, Lord for answering my prayers.  Those prayers of keep me safe, keep me strong. 

It was too close.  As close as I've ever been to a major car accident.  One I'm not so sure I would have walked away from.  It was scary and at this point I almost wish I could turn my analytical brain off, let myself feel the emotion for what just happened, and do nothing but praise the lord.  My husband is right, the big guy was watching.  It wasn't time. 

I have a lot left to do, maybe after I get some of these heavy tears out of the way.  I need to just let them come.  Stop thinking and just let them come. 

The boys joined me at the track today.  Good thing it was sprint day because I had a lot of adrenaline to run through.

I hugged deeper.  Told them I was proud.  Kissed them more.  Now I'm off to bed.  Most likely to cry myself to sleep and get ready for my boy's big day tomorrow because LIFE GOES ON. 

Excuse me while I process these feelings, again!

Do you ever just have those days when you feel down? You have nothing to feel down about, but you just feel down? I hate those days, but those are usually the most soul searching, kick myself in the ass days I can have. Those days help me put things in perspective. I live a very blessed life. I am NOT rich, but I am comfortable, I am happily (most days) married and my children couldn't be any healthier. But, I still get down. I feel sorry for myself. Why can't I have the dream house I always wanted with the tree lined driveway? Why can't I have a better car? Why can't I have the job that I want and that pays beyond well? Why can't I take better pictures? Why can't I keep my patience with Dale and my boys in check all of the time? Why is it that everyone around me seems to be living so much better than we are?

And then, I actually stop and listen to myself. I have everything I am supposed to have and way more than I deserve right now. Thank God for that! There are times that this selfish sin creeps up in my mind and it drives me crazy, but directs me towards God. These days help me realize AGAIN that I am not in control and that God has laid my path. I feel at times I need to be doing something bigger not just driving to work every day, driving home, fixing dinner, playing, going to bed, and repeating it all over again. I am not making the most out of my days and I think God is telling me that. But right now I don't know what to do with it. These days are passing all too quickly. Wyatt will be 4 soon and Waylon is well on his toddling little way to being a big boy.

It makes me sick to my stomach to have the slightest feeling that I am not in the moment and making the most out of the present time. I feel completely deflated at work right now. I can't find my motivation and I don't do well when I can't find my motivation. That's frustrating. Then I take that frustration home and want to hug and kiss my kids then sit on the couch and zone out until bed time. Dale and I stopped kissing each other goodbye in the mornings. I have no idea why, but neither one of us are making the attempt to meet each other around the car to tell each other goodbye. Pretty much the only conversation we are having right now is me eaves dropping on the only "adult" conversation in the house, which is between Dale and Wyatt. But, that is where we are right now, this week.

I hate that. I hate the feeling of that. I hate the feeling that my life is spiraling down the drain. So this is me processing my feelings, again so I can make a change, again! If it doesn't rain it is probably park night or baseball out in the front yard with the boys until dark. On the way home it will probably be music off and having a conversation with God about His will in my life and if I am on the right track because I am doubting myself, again! I know these feelings are temporary and that they are EARTHLY sinful feelings, but I have to process them to get the motivation to kick myself in the ass.