Yesterday, a day of processing some pretty deep feelings.
Meet the teacher night.
Them, ice cream
A night of talking and tears and reconnecting.
The morning, an emotional hangover.
Bags under my eyes and my face swollen.
I was determined to have a good day
75 miles per hour
To pretend that the reset button worked this time
Today, I felt blessed
Friends and family in my life stepped out to tell me how they felt
To support me
The squealing sound of tires and highway
To show their love
Fractions of a second
Today was better
Inches from changing everything
We prepared for his big day
What if I was earlier
Walked faster to the garage
Didn't get stopped at that stop light
Didn't get stuck by that frustratingly slow car
Would he even get to celebrate his first day tomorrow
Would I be there to sink my head in their shoulders during that hug held just a little bit longer
The smell of their shampoo
Wet footprints on the floor
Clean, cool skin
Wet hair and clean jammies
Tears just at the edge of my eyes and the lump in my throat just waiting
A wake up call
Am I really listening
That tan car spun out of control inches in front of my car on 35 on my way home. Inches. I was blinded by the dirt and gravel. I held my breath as I slammed on my brakes and prayed that the back end of my car would gain control as I narrowly missed broadsiding the Taurus at 75 miles an hour. I didn't know if there was another car in the mix or if there was something crashed on the other side of the dust bowl. I came to a stop on the side of the road. Controlled. Untouched. Scared. Still watching in the rear view mirror the Taurus spin behind me through both lanes and the median. Where I think it came to a stop. Thankfully missing everyone else in its path near the south bound lanes.
The car behind me stopped. I'm not sure if he was as scared as I was. We sat there. My hazards on. The dirt scattered all over the highway around me. My heart racing almost out of control. I placed my hand on my heart as tears rolled down my cheeks. I wanted to hit the steering wheel, "I've been listening, I've been praying. Why did I need that?" Then quickly realizing the blessing that I was just given in a major way. Thank you, Lord for sparing me. Thank you, Lord for keeping me and everyone else safe. Thank you, Lord for answering my prayers. Those prayers of keep me safe, keep me strong.
It was too close. As close as I've ever been to a major car accident. One I'm not so sure I would have walked away from. It was scary and at this point I almost wish I could turn my analytical brain off, let myself feel the emotion for what just happened, and do nothing but praise the lord. My husband is right, the big guy was watching. It wasn't time.
I have a lot left to do, maybe after I get some of these heavy tears out of the way. I need to just let them come. Stop thinking and just let them come.