I'm not always strong

School is starting
I can’t even process that

I’ll miss him getting on and off the bus everyday
Every stinkin (insert cuss words times infinity here) day

Dale is mad at me
I don’t even know what to think

I’m tired
I’m so fucking tired

I don’t want to do this or that or anything else anymore

I feel pressure here and there and over there

I don’t want to feel the stress in my shoulders
Or the pain in my neck
I don't want the nerve endings in my brain to feel so much burning

I’m working my ass off in so many ways
And frustrated that things aren’t falling easily into place

I fear migraines
And time
And our future

I want things now that we can’t have
I wonder if we will ever get there

I want you to be happy and comfortable

I want a script to follow
A recipe of perfection
With a defined ending
And someone to come cook our meals every night

Why does EVERYTHING have to be so damn hard
Especially when it looks so easy for others

Am I even where I’m supposed to be
I thought I was
I thought I was doing what I was lead to do

How can I feel so complete and put together one month and like things are crumbling around me the next

I keep waiting on answers but all I get is silence
Maybe that’s my answer
But I still don’t know what direction to go

What the fuck is going on

I want to be by myself
I don’t want to talk to you or you or anyone else

But I want you here
Listening to the things I’m not saying

Feeling the frustration behind my smile
Letting me know that my silence is ok
That everything is ok

Making me laugh so my head stops getting in the way

I ran pissed off this morning
It felt good
Too bad those endorphins aren’t lingering

I’m sick of being late
I’m sick of having places to be to be late to

Funny thing is I want it all
I want everything I have and more

I decided to focus on what I have this morning with a mile left on the track
The people I have in my life that keep me going in times like this when I want to quit it all
Because it is too hard, too much, too exhausting, too full

I know what I have
I count my blessings
I usually know what I want
And how I’m going to get there

It’s just all the meat rotting garbage in-between
The setbacks, the frustrations, the difficulty
We all have it
We all have a choice of what to do with it

After I throw my fit
Jerk my head back
And pound my fist and heels on the floor
Scream
And wipe my snot on my sleeve
I’ll be ok
Good as new
Just excuse me while I do

For the record, I never, ever want to give up on my marriage or being a mom. Ever! For those of you that don’t know the true me I didn’t want that being read and taken differently.