I'm not always strong

School is starting
I can’t even process that

I’ll miss him getting on and off the bus everyday
Every stinkin (insert cuss words times infinity here) day

Dale is mad at me
I don’t even know what to think

I’m tired
I’m so fucking tired

I don’t want to do this or that or anything else anymore

I feel pressure here and there and over there

I don’t want to feel the stress in my shoulders
Or the pain in my neck
I don't want the nerve endings in my brain to feel so much burning

I’m working my ass off in so many ways
And frustrated that things aren’t falling easily into place

I fear migraines
And time
And our future

I want things now that we can’t have
I wonder if we will ever get there

I want you to be happy and comfortable

I want a script to follow
A recipe of perfection
With a defined ending
And someone to come cook our meals every night

Why does EVERYTHING have to be so damn hard
Especially when it looks so easy for others

Am I even where I’m supposed to be
I thought I was
I thought I was doing what I was lead to do

How can I feel so complete and put together one month and like things are crumbling around me the next

I keep waiting on answers but all I get is silence
Maybe that’s my answer
But I still don’t know what direction to go

What the fuck is going on

I want to be by myself
I don’t want to talk to you or you or anyone else

But I want you here
Listening to the things I’m not saying

Feeling the frustration behind my smile
Letting me know that my silence is ok
That everything is ok

Making me laugh so my head stops getting in the way

I ran pissed off this morning
It felt good
Too bad those endorphins aren’t lingering

I’m sick of being late
I’m sick of having places to be to be late to

Funny thing is I want it all
I want everything I have and more

I decided to focus on what I have this morning with a mile left on the track
The people I have in my life that keep me going in times like this when I want to quit it all
Because it is too hard, too much, too exhausting, too full

I know what I have
I count my blessings
I usually know what I want
And how I’m going to get there

It’s just all the meat rotting garbage in-between
The setbacks, the frustrations, the difficulty
We all have it
We all have a choice of what to do with it

After I throw my fit
Jerk my head back
And pound my fist and heels on the floor
Scream
And wipe my snot on my sleeve
I’ll be ok
Good as new
Just excuse me while I do

For the record, I never, ever want to give up on my marriage or being a mom. Ever! For those of you that don’t know the true me I didn’t want that being read and taken differently.

9 whole years

The day in that high school where I stomped through the halls furiously because my date to the girls ask guys dance just told me he was taking his friend instead of going with me changed my life forever.


He stood there looking through the graduating classes of years before. Who knows why he was really out there when he probably should have been in class just like I was supposed to be.

“Are you going to the girls ask guys dance?”

In true Dale fashion, “Pffftt, no”

“Well, you are now. You are going with me.” I said it sure and didn’t give one ounce of an option for him to decline.

It was out of character for me. I wasn’t one to take a stance and just jump out there like that especially when it had to do with boys.

I can’t remember a lot of details about the dance. Neither one of us are big dancers. But I remember what he wore from the wing footed necklace to the cologne to the Air Jordan shirt to the Air Jordan’s on his feet.

From that day it has been us. There was no turning back.

Sixteen years we have been together, nine of those married. Sixteen years of laughter, love, heartbreak, faith, living dreams, working hard, arguing, fighting, making up, tears, sweat, believing in each other, trusting, rebuilding, and getting stronger.

Around this time last year we were going through a really rough time. We had just lost his dad and we were learning how to move on with life when such a major part of it was gone. Things were hard. I didn’t know where we were headed or how we would come out of it all. It wasn’t just us affected. It was him and me and his mom and his sister, aunts, uncles… his entire family. We all were learning how to deal with this and a lot of people were looking at him for a source of strength. That added pressure and drama and more walls. Pile a new baby on top of it all.

We were stressed, tired, drained in every possible way. Life didn’t stop when we needed a break. It was a true test to marriage and in what kind of person you are in general.

We won.

Things aren’t perfect. But we are stronger than we have ever been. We talk each night when we get home which was a far cry from going through the normal stuff that deals with kids, and routine, and what the next day’s schedule holds. We do date nights. Not enough but we do them. In a moment of parenthood stress we are able to make eye contact and be on the same page instead of me glaring at him making it seem as if it is all his fault somehow.

We are good.

And that feels so good. Today is truly a day to celebrate for us. We are happy and I can honestly say that without hesitation.

As I read through my post from last year it brings tears to my eyes. Looking back it seems so much worse than what I remember. How times have changed. We’ve come a long way; me, him and our marriage. Thank you to each one of you that have played a part in our marriage. To those who have showed support and love to us by cheering us on or praying silently for us thank you from the bottom of my heart.

I’m sure we will have rough patches again. Who knows, I might get really mad at him tonight : ), but I know that we will be ok. I know that we are strong and where our commitments are and I know who’s behind us for the duration.

Happy 9 years to us! Next year about this time we better have our feet up on a beach in Hawaii with a few special friends! I mean it!

Us Being Us - Memories Captured

The boys played.  Their footsteps sinking into the impressions in the ground from the ones that ran there before them.  Football, baseball, softball, chase.  All the games we played on the same grass that lies there today.  The gentle hill sloping toward the house is the same yet different.  Grown trees fence their play.  Years taller than they were when we matched their size.  The same smell of burgers cooking on the grill. 

So many things different.  So many things remain the same. 

My dad grabbed his welding mask (brilliant, if you ask me) and summoned us to the concrete patch at the top of the driveway.  Its wrinkles as deep as some of ours.  Crumbling around the edges but solid in the core. 

It's just an eclipse.

An amazing thing of nature that happens so seldom in one's life.  An amazing moment when just the right timing makes things appear so much more different. 

We stood there.  We waited, checking the moon and the sun ever so often.  Watching it change before our eyes and missing the subtle changes while in conversation.  We laughed.  We were silent.  We were being us and watching them be them.  Playing, laughing, fighting, and squirming. 

I didn't realize how much this little moment in time meant to me until I was inspired to write this post.  Mainly because my sister snapped this picture of us.  Unplanned, unposed, unknown.  Us being us. 

That day there was nothing special except the eclipse and us being together.  No agenda.  Living life the way we wanted to live.  Fishing, talking, laughing, playing, some crying, arguing, little ones upset over dinner, but at the end of the day it's another special day. 

Another special, cherished memory. 


The lump in my throat is thanks to Galit and Alison once again.  Another month of looking forward to inspiration like this for writing and for making the days ahead ones to really look forward to.  Thank you, ladies.

Far from perfect

This is probably as raw as you are going to get me. I will probably pour it all out here and shake nervously as I decide whether or not to hit the publish button or not.


Every woman has their insecurities. Every single one! I definitely have mine. Lately, more than other times I have felt so out of whack. I don’t feel right in my clothes. My body aches. I’m uncomfortable. My neck and back are sore from tension. Those are just the tip of the iceberg. Those signs are the physical manifestations of what I’m feeling inside. I’m not looking for an ego boost here. This is how I process and get better.

I am honestly sick of being tired. I think that has a lot to do with how I am feeling. I am constantly thinking about how it affects my mental health. It’s no one’s fault but my own. I can’t use the excuse that I have a new baby. That’s not the deal. The baby sleeps beyond awesome. I fear that someone is going to tell me I have some signs of postpartum depression or something, but I don’t think I do. I love my kids beyond belief and would never hurt them. I actually want to be around them even more. I am ignorant when it comes to what all that entails anyway.

What I’m feeling inside is like I am chipping away at some huge wall. I can’t for the life of me get to whatever is waiting for me on the other side. I’m not as motivated and gung ho about work. My relationship with the hubs is less than stellar. I don’t feel good about how I treat him. I don’t feel good about myself in a lot of ways.

Some of you know I have struggled with trying to be super mom. That isn’t easy work. When you try to reach for an unachievable goal it is absolute disaster. I finally feel good about where I am as a mom. I still lose my temper from time to time, but I’m not perfect. I’m human and I’m ok with it. Part of being a parent is teaching your child how to right a wrong. I have spent so much energy in trying to get that right that I lost sight of myself and I have definitely lost sight of my relationship with my husband.

I think that is where most of my uneasy feeling is coming from. My prayer last night (which I have not prayed in a while. I’m not proud of that, but it’s a fact.) was for God to soften my heart towards him and allow me to show him how I really feel about him. I don’t hate him. Not even close, but sometimes I’m sure that is how my actions make him feel.

I get mad at him for allowing the boys to stay up past their bedtime. I get mad at him for letting them dump all the soap in the bath water. I get mad at him when he takes some time to himself away from us. I get mad at him when I have to spend weekends with just me and the boys because he is working whether it is work he is getting paid for or helping his mom or whoever. Or even when he is up at the shop trying to stay connected to his dad. I get mad, I take it out on him and then I completely beat myself up about it. I rarely apologize. It is usually just something we don’t talk about and we go on about our day until the next blow up. I honestly don’t blame him for not being home more.

I can count on one hand the number of times he has actually gotten mad at me in the entire fifteen years we have been together. This is not about him. I’d like to blame him. It’s easier to say it is all someone else’s fault. But, it’s about me and the enormous amount of work I still need to do on myself. I expect some failure along the way, but every night, every hour or so isn’t cutting it. He deserves better than that especially now.

I think I get mad at him for not being home because the more I am a “single” parent the more confidence I have in handling it. I don’t want to be a single parent. I don’t want a divorce. EVER! But I fear that the more confidence I have around raising our boys by myself the less of a fight I have in me for our relationship. That is scary to me. That means to me that there is a possibility that I could give up on it and we could spiral into a life of being roommates or end up separated. That is the absolute last thing I would ever want.

I feel like a strong woman. I feel like I handle a lot. A lot of things roll off of my back. I’m not perfect and I clearly have a ton to work on. Especially since the #2 priority in my life feels like it is failing. Please don’t tell me I’m doing a good job and to cut myself some slack. If you have advice on how you have overcome obstacles within yourself, please share.

Genuine

I have been going to church with Dale for well over a decade now.  It is his home church, the one he grew up in.  Since I have joined him I have noticed a lot of things.  How people are, how they "treat" their spouse, etc.  The church has gone through many different changes.  People have come and gone.  But there is this one couple that keeps on coming since I can remember.  Let's call them P and B. 

They are an older couple.  P was always the nicest, sweetest lady.  She would always come up to us and greet us, and ask us how we were doing.  She got to know us and genuinely cared (not everyone does, you know)!  B was quieter, but was always good for a great smile and a handshake.  It has been years since we have been attending the church and greeting this special couple.  What makes them special???

P developed Alzheimer's a few years ago and she got bad pretty fast.  She soon after had a stroke.  B could no longer give her all the special care she needed so she went to live at the local nursing home.  B still faithfully comes to church every Sunday and most if not all every church gathering we have and he has P right by his side in her wheelchair, expressionless face, and silver hair. 

He spends all of his time with her.  I hear that he is at the nursing home most of his time.  He doesn't miss a meal with her and he will just sit and enjoy his time with her.  He doesn't care that he has to wipe her chin, or reposition her arm, or help her in or out of a wheelchair, or that they don't have the relationship they once did, in which they can't have a simple conversation.  He has still got her and she still lights up his life.  You can see it on his face. 

He shows her nails off to everyone after she gets them done and brags on her as she tries to make eye contact and smile.  His hand never leaves her thigh when her chair is next to his spot in the pew.  When the music plays he pats the beat along, his hand never leaving her thigh.  He LOVES her and it is genuine and obvious to all. 

That is the love I hope to express someday.  The true love I actually feel.  Someday when I get over my bullheaded, going to out do him, immature ways!  I like to say I keep things in perspective and not take things for granted.  But that isn't always the truth.  There is one person I take for granted more than anything else I have.  It's not fair to him and he doesn't deserve it, but I do it.

Thing is I am modeling behavior to my children and that is not the way I want them to treat the people they love.  And I am guilty for showing it.  I'm seeing it in Wyatt sometimes, which drives me beyond crazy.  His tone, the looks, some of the things he says.  I think where in the world does he get it.   Then I take a step back and realize it comes directly from his mommy.  I'm not proud of it, but it is true and if anything I want to correct it before it's too late.

This couple has been a ministry to me alone, never mind the pastor or pastors, the building, the congregation.  It is this couple that has taught me in the smallest of ways how to express genuine love.  Now it's time to start working on those walls I've built!