This is probably as raw as you are going to get me. I will probably pour it all out here and shake nervously as I decide whether or not to hit the publish button or not.
Every woman has their insecurities. Every single one! I definitely have mine. Lately, more than other times I have felt so out of whack. I don’t feel right in my clothes. My body aches. I’m uncomfortable. My neck and back are sore from tension. Those are just the tip of the iceberg. Those signs are the physical manifestations of what I’m feeling inside. I’m not looking for an ego boost here. This is how I process and get better.
I am honestly sick of being tired. I think that has a lot to do with how I am feeling. I am constantly thinking about how it affects my mental health. It’s no one’s fault but my own. I can’t use the excuse that I have a new baby. That’s not the deal. The baby sleeps beyond awesome. I fear that someone is going to tell me I have some signs of postpartum depression or something, but I don’t think I do. I love my kids beyond belief and would never hurt them. I actually want to be around them even more. I am ignorant when it comes to what all that entails anyway.
What I’m feeling inside is like I am chipping away at some huge wall. I can’t for the life of me get to whatever is waiting for me on the other side. I’m not as motivated and gung ho about work. My relationship with the hubs is less than stellar. I don’t feel good about how I treat him. I don’t feel good about myself in a lot of ways.
Some of you know I have struggled with trying to be super mom. That isn’t easy work. When you try to reach for an unachievable goal it is absolute disaster. I finally feel good about where I am as a mom. I still lose my temper from time to time, but I’m not perfect. I’m human and I’m ok with it. Part of being a parent is teaching your child how to right a wrong. I have spent so much energy in trying to get that right that I lost sight of myself and I have definitely lost sight of my relationship with my husband.
I think that is where most of my uneasy feeling is coming from. My prayer last night (which I have not prayed in a while. I’m not proud of that, but it’s a fact.) was for God to soften my heart towards him and allow me to show him how I really feel about him. I don’t hate him. Not even close, but sometimes I’m sure that is how my actions make him feel.
I get mad at him for allowing the boys to stay up past their bedtime. I get mad at him for letting them dump all the soap in the bath water. I get mad at him when he takes some time to himself away from us. I get mad at him when I have to spend weekends with just me and the boys because he is working whether it is work he is getting paid for or helping his mom or whoever. Or even when he is up at the shop trying to stay connected to his dad. I get mad, I take it out on him and then I completely beat myself up about it. I rarely apologize. It is usually just something we don’t talk about and we go on about our day until the next blow up. I honestly don’t blame him for not being home more.
I can count on one hand the number of times he has actually gotten mad at me in the entire fifteen years we have been together. This is not about him. I’d like to blame him. It’s easier to say it is all someone else’s fault. But, it’s about me and the enormous amount of work I still need to do on myself. I expect some failure along the way, but every night, every hour or so isn’t cutting it. He deserves better than that especially now.
I think I get mad at him for not being home because the more I am a “single” parent the more confidence I have in handling it. I don’t want to be a single parent. I don’t want a divorce. EVER! But I fear that the more confidence I have around raising our boys by myself the less of a fight I have in me for our relationship. That is scary to me. That means to me that there is a possibility that I could give up on it and we could spiral into a life of being roommates or end up separated. That is the absolute last thing I would ever want.
I feel like a strong woman. I feel like I handle a lot. A lot of things roll off of my back. I’m not perfect and I clearly have a ton to work on. Especially since the #2 priority in my life feels like it is failing. Please don’t tell me I’m doing a good job and to cut myself some slack. If you have advice on how you have overcome obstacles within yourself, please share.