Thursday, May 19, 2011

Far from perfect

This is probably as raw as you are going to get me. I will probably pour it all out here and shake nervously as I decide whether or not to hit the publish button or not.

Every woman has their insecurities. Every single one! I definitely have mine. Lately, more than other times I have felt so out of whack. I don’t feel right in my clothes. My body aches. I’m uncomfortable. My neck and back are sore from tension. Those are just the tip of the iceberg. Those signs are the physical manifestations of what I’m feeling inside. I’m not looking for an ego boost here. This is how I process and get better.

I am honestly sick of being tired. I think that has a lot to do with how I am feeling. I am constantly thinking about how it affects my mental health. It’s no one’s fault but my own. I can’t use the excuse that I have a new baby. That’s not the deal. The baby sleeps beyond awesome. I fear that someone is going to tell me I have some signs of postpartum depression or something, but I don’t think I do. I love my kids beyond belief and would never hurt them. I actually want to be around them even more. I am ignorant when it comes to what all that entails anyway.

What I’m feeling inside is like I am chipping away at some huge wall. I can’t for the life of me get to whatever is waiting for me on the other side. I’m not as motivated and gung ho about work. My relationship with the hubs is less than stellar. I don’t feel good about how I treat him. I don’t feel good about myself in a lot of ways.

Some of you know I have struggled with trying to be super mom. That isn’t easy work. When you try to reach for an unachievable goal it is absolute disaster. I finally feel good about where I am as a mom. I still lose my temper from time to time, but I’m not perfect. I’m human and I’m ok with it. Part of being a parent is teaching your child how to right a wrong. I have spent so much energy in trying to get that right that I lost sight of myself and I have definitely lost sight of my relationship with my husband.

I think that is where most of my uneasy feeling is coming from. My prayer last night (which I have not prayed in a while. I’m not proud of that, but it’s a fact.) was for God to soften my heart towards him and allow me to show him how I really feel about him. I don’t hate him. Not even close, but sometimes I’m sure that is how my actions make him feel.

I get mad at him for allowing the boys to stay up past their bedtime. I get mad at him for letting them dump all the soap in the bath water. I get mad at him when he takes some time to himself away from us. I get mad at him when I have to spend weekends with just me and the boys because he is working whether it is work he is getting paid for or helping his mom or whoever. Or even when he is up at the shop trying to stay connected to his dad. I get mad, I take it out on him and then I completely beat myself up about it. I rarely apologize. It is usually just something we don’t talk about and we go on about our day until the next blow up. I honestly don’t blame him for not being home more.

I can count on one hand the number of times he has actually gotten mad at me in the entire fifteen years we have been together. This is not about him. I’d like to blame him. It’s easier to say it is all someone else’s fault. But, it’s about me and the enormous amount of work I still need to do on myself. I expect some failure along the way, but every night, every hour or so isn’t cutting it. He deserves better than that especially now.

I think I get mad at him for not being home because the more I am a “single” parent the more confidence I have in handling it. I don’t want to be a single parent. I don’t want a divorce. EVER! But I fear that the more confidence I have around raising our boys by myself the less of a fight I have in me for our relationship. That is scary to me. That means to me that there is a possibility that I could give up on it and we could spiral into a life of being roommates or end up separated. That is the absolute last thing I would ever want.

I feel like a strong woman. I feel like I handle a lot. A lot of things roll off of my back. I’m not perfect and I clearly have a ton to work on. Especially since the #2 priority in my life feels like it is failing. Please don’t tell me I’m doing a good job and to cut myself some slack. If you have advice on how you have overcome obstacles within yourself, please share.


  1. I don't know if you remember my Midlife Crisis post last year, but some of what you write sounds similar. I think it is very normal to get to that point in your life where there is less and less to look forward to and things don't seem like how you imagined they would be at this stage of the game. But no one tells you about this in the hunky dory stage of life when you are so full of excitement and vitality. And there is so much hope and promise ahead. All of a sudden you hit a wall. You look in the mirror and don't recognize yourself. Your aging body isn't as energetic or resiliant as it once was. Your life has added stress. You are tired. Overwhlemed. Hope is hard to find. I get it girl. But hang in there. As much as it may seem like you are out of sorts right now. It too is a phase. Life is cyclical. And before you know it you will have made it through and be on the other side. You are strong. Don't quit yet.

  2. I know you're not throwing yourself a pitty party. This is your outlet, and I completely respect it and thank you for sharing it. So, I'm going to do what you ask. Which is NOT tell you how perfect you are! Christen and I do have a pretty good relationship, but it hasn't always been that way. We work at it. We sometimes feel, that we aren't the perfect parents (which is ok). We used to fight more and the problem we had was we wouldn't fight fair. She would yell, I would yell, it would get personal and bam.. no talking. You have to hear each persons side whether you want to or not and how they feel is how they feel, it's perception and that IS REALITY to them!! Empathy is a powerful thing. Perspective is powerful too. I'm not saying it sounds like you guys are arguing a lot, but it does sound like your not talking (he's been mad at you more than 5 times in 15 years, I PROMISE). What you need to do and YOU HAVE TO DO is talk with him more. Set aside time every day to have a conversation, just you two. Take a bath together (not sexual). Before going to bed talk about your day or do it at dinner if possible. And yes, one main, key ingredient is PASSION, find it again. Not just quickies either, I mean a nice dinner, movie, talk and then "play". Have fun and spice it up. Little things can mean a whole lot too...a kiss on the cheek as he's playing with the boys...a smile as he looks over at you...singing the theme music of your favorite TV show. Talk, listen, kiss and touch...that's the key!!

  3. Sounds like you need some "me time" or for you and Dale to have sometime together with out the kids at least once a month.

  4. I totally get it. I read your comments hoping for a gem of wisdom myself because I could have written this almost word for word myself (and I think their advice sounds like a starting point for us both). What I can offer is the knowledge that you are not alone. I'm at the same place in my marriage and we've been together 15 years too. Our difference is the empty nest. The daughter we raised together is on her own now.

    Good luck! I hope we both figure it out!

  5. I really know where you are coming from. Seems like we both have some guilt going on. It is so hard being a mom. It really helps to pour your heart out. I know I feel a little better after my post.

  6. TK I hear you and can only share with you from my own experience. Marriage is a constant struggle between oneness and isolation. I can totally relate to the disconnect you are feeling from your husband. God wasn't joking when he said "and the two shall become one" When Mark and I are disconnected I don't feel like me. I feel "off". I think that's what I hear you saying about "chipping away at a huge wall", you're isolated.
    These last couple weeks I have felt "off" or disconnected from Mark but instead of taking time to talk to him about it I just kept on going, trying to make things better and ignoring that there was a problem. It did NOT work. Finally, I thought I knew what the problem was so I asked him about it. Turns out that the one incident I thought was the problem, was only one of several that he saw as the problem. But because he nor I had talked about it was only getting worse. After talking about each of the incidents we discovered we were misunderstanding the others actions. At the conclusion of our discussion that disconnected feeling was gone. We had connected again and I felt like myself, and more in love with the man I married. It's hard to pour your feelings out and be vulnerable when you feel isolated but its the only way.
    Marriage is a STRUGGLE between oneness and isolation. Keep struggling!!! Keep pushing for oneness and connection. First you are going to have to talk about it. I know you can tell Dale how your feeling, just reading him this blog. It won't get better if you ignore it that only leads to more isolation. I've tried that is doesn't work.
    You were "Tara and Dale" long before you were "Tara, Dale and the boys" and you'll be "Tara and Dale" when the boys are grown and on their own. Keep struggling! Forever is a long time to be married if you aren't enjoying it.
    You are a strong and brave woman. I know I wouldn't be as open and vulnerable as you are in this blog. I'm so glad you are.

  7. Oh Tayarra, I wish I had the magic words that could "fix" things but I just don't. Motherhood and marriage are so difficult and I certainly feel the same way at times. I take things out on my husband when I'm stressed out with the kids and it's so unfair to him. I'm trying to make more of an effort to confront him and share my frustrations with him. I know that it's not his fault that the baby stuck her hand in her poopy diaper for the millionth time this week. I know it's not his fault when he has to work late and leave me with the kids. But I know that it's my fault that I sometimes push him away when I'm frustrated or upset about things that have nothing to do with him. I'm trying more and more each day to be aware of that. I hope that you're able to work through things. Some time away, connecting with the hubby and sharing your feelings and frustrations with him may help. All I know is, this stuff is hard. There's no quick fix or easy answer. But I also know that you're not alone and you're not a terrible person. Sending you hugs and here anytime you need anything...

  8. Okay since you said be honest, here are my two cents. . .

    Ask yourself, “Would I be sad if tomorrow Dale was not in my life. If something tragic happened and Dale was not in the world tomorrow, if tomorrow I woke up and Dale was gone and I did not know if he would return, would I be sad? “

    I truly believe the answer to that question is yes I would be sad, I would be devastated.

    You know firsthand how in the blink of an eye tragedy can strike and take from us the people and things we love. What would that last conversation have been like between the two of you, did you make sure you told him how much you love and appreciate him? We often take for granted that we will have another day with the people we love and assume we can make it better tomorrow, next week or even when just when we decide to. Today is the day and right now is the time. Even when we are having a bad day, feeling frumpy and/or just want to take our life’s frustration out on someone that we know can handle it...that moment could be our last moment with them, it could be the breaking point for the receiving individual. Treasure your time with Dale. Consciously, decide with each moment and every situation you are going to show love. Even when you need to have a strong conversation with him to make a point or express emotion or feelings, it can be done with love and not with ugly words and loud voices. When Cam and I have a “moment” we talk about our feelings, express how we feel. . .settle it out, agree to disagree and move on, but most importantly we always respect each other’s feelings and talk about the situation. We have not had a “fight” yet, we make the decision not to “fight”. We may have a disagreement but it never turns ugly and the conversation always ends with hugs and our relationship growing stronger. Talk, talk, talk, talk, talk then hug it out. . .it will not allow you to leave the room worse than when the conversation began.

    Decide that everyday you will show love and passion for the ones you love. I really believe that we need to continue to talk in our relationships, make time for conversation. In those moments when I don’t have anything nice to say, I don’t say anything at all (except, I need a few moments). After internal reflection and conscious decision, I decide my feelings are worth being heard and with a loving heart I will express how I feel, allow him to tell me how he feels and we settle it or at minimum make a compromise where we can both happy.

    Peter 4:18 says, "Most important of all, continue to show deep love for each other, for love covers a multitude of sins."
    Start today living your life, being in your relationship with nothing but a loving heart and he will soon forget all the ugly moments that have occurred and you will likely begin to not feel frustration and resentful to him for the things that you are now struggling with. I really believe the passion will return.

  9. I struggle with this too. JDaniel and I end up going many places just the two of us. I feel like I need to flash my wedding ring so, people can see it.

  10. Not to scare you or dishearten you in ANY way, but you could have post-partum depression. It manifests itself in many ways. Anger, fatigue, feeling overwhelmed, etc. You can love your babies and be blissfully happy when you're with them, but still have PPD. You may want to consider talking to someone. Even if you don't have PPD, talking to someone could be really vaulable.

  11. My beautiful T -

    First off, you are amazing, girlie. I've always been envious of your natural spirit and zest for life - and I know it's still there. I promise you that I can relate to what you've written above, and yet I only have one little boy in the mix at home. The truth is - no one is immune to feeling how you've described above, with or without kids. It's so easy to take each other for granted when it's been a comfortable situation for so long. I'm definitely not planning on traveling for work forever - but one thing it has given me - is the gratitude and appreciation I have for my husband. It's so hard to be away from my family - and I mostly feel like I'm on the other end and Jason fills the traditional "Mom Shoes" when I'm away on business. But the guilt doesn't get any better on each trip - as women, we always tend to feel like we're letting someone down - and it's usually not even close to being true. I've been trying myself to embrace the imperfections that come with being a Mom and Wife - and as long as you can really talk with your husband and kids at the end of the day, you'll be fine.

    Always -

  12. I get know that I get it and that I will do anything I can to support you. Just talking about your feelings shows that you know there's something going on and how brave you are for sharing. Your words will help others, whether you know it or not, and I bet just hitting publish helped you.

    Hang in there. xoxxox

  13. Oh, sweetie, I wish I had the perfect words to say.

    I do know that for us, we really need something that connects us. Whether it's sitting and talking for 15 minutes after the kids are in bed with no distractions or date night once a month, we just need something that involves listening and reconnecting.

    I am so glad that you shared yourself with us. That's the first step.
    If you ever need someone to talk to, I'm always here...



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