Way too close for comfort

Yesterday, a day of processing some pretty deep feelings. 

Meet the teacher night. 

Them, ice cream

Us, dinner

A night of talking and tears and reconnecting. 

The morning, an emotional hangover. 

Bags under my eyes and my face swollen.

I was determined to have a good day

75 miles per hour

To pretend that the reset button worked this time

Gravel and dirt hitting my windshield

Today, I felt blessed

Tan car

Friends and family in my life stepped out to tell me how they felt

Burning rubber

To support me 

The squealing sound of tires and highway

To show their love

Fractions of a second

Today was better

Inches from changing everything

We prepared for his big day

What if I was earlier

Walked faster to the garage

Didn't get stopped at that stop light

Didn't get stuck by that frustratingly slow car

Would he even get to celebrate his first day tomorrow

Would I be there to sink my head in their shoulders during that hug held just a little bit longer

The smell of their shampoo

Wet footprints on the floor

Clean, cool skin

Wet hair and clean jammies

Tears just at the edge of my eyes and the lump in my throat just waiting

Split seconds

A wake up call

Am I really listening

That tan car spun out of control inches in front of my car on 35 on my way home.  Inches.  I was blinded by the dirt and gravel.  I held my breath as I slammed on my brakes and prayed that the back end of my car would gain control as I narrowly missed broadsiding the Taurus at 75 miles an hour.  I didn't know if there was another car in the mix or if there was something crashed on the other side of the dust bowl.  I came to a stop on the side of the road.  Controlled.  Untouched.  Scared.  Still watching in the rear view mirror the Taurus spin behind me through both lanes and the median.  Where I think it came to a stop.  Thankfully missing everyone else in its path near the south bound lanes. 

The car behind me stopped.  I'm not sure if he was as scared as I was.  We sat there.  My hazards on.  The dirt scattered all over the highway around me.  My heart racing almost out of control.  I placed my hand on my heart as tears rolled down my cheeks.  I wanted to hit the steering wheel, "I've been listening, I've been praying.  Why did I need that?"  Then quickly realizing the blessing that I was just given in a major way.  Thank you, Lord for sparing me.  Thank you, Lord for keeping me and everyone else safe.  Thank you, Lord for answering my prayers.  Those prayers of keep me safe, keep me strong. 

It was too close.  As close as I've ever been to a major car accident.  One I'm not so sure I would have walked away from.  It was scary and at this point I almost wish I could turn my analytical brain off, let myself feel the emotion for what just happened, and do nothing but praise the lord.  My husband is right, the big guy was watching.  It wasn't time. 

I have a lot left to do, maybe after I get some of these heavy tears out of the way.  I need to just let them come.  Stop thinking and just let them come. 

The boys joined me at the track today.  Good thing it was sprint day because I had a lot of adrenaline to run through.

I hugged deeper.  Told them I was proud.  Kissed them more.  Now I'm off to bed.  Most likely to cry myself to sleep and get ready for my boy's big day tomorrow because LIFE GOES ON. 

PYHO - I Am Me

Today I wanted to support a blogging friend of mine on her two year anniversary of an awesome link up where she allows people to pour their hearts out in a post each week and link up. In return they get support, love, and sometimes validation. I wanted to write something, but I’m just not inspired today. My heart isn’t hurting. I’m not emotional about anyone specific thing right now. The anniversary of my Father-in-law’s death is right around the corner, but I want to choose to celebrate rather than mourn. Too many times I think of searching my heart needs to leave me in tears. I think it needs to bring sadness, grief, and mourning to the surface. The past that I feel should have been better in some areas dealt with once again.


But I can’t. Just thinking about searching my heart puts that oh so familiar knot in my throat and my eyes at the verge of tears. I don’t want to do it today.

What’s wrong with searching my heart for the good season I seem to be in on this particular day?

Truth is, I’m proud of myself right now. You won’t hear me say that too often especially on the day after one of my most embarrassing moments. I’m the girl that can never rate herself as excellent on the reviews even though I know I worked my ass off to knock it out of the park. I’m the girl that gets red in the face in interviews when I have to describe myself and what my strengths are. I’m the girl that stumbles over her words in response to “Tell me about yourself.”

I’m not saying I’m perfect, far from it. There are TONS of things I still need to work hard at every single day of my life. I’m not saying I’m better than you, I’m not comparing. This isn’t about you. What I’m saying is I’ve spent years being shy, doubting myself, feeling insecure, undeserving. I’m finally in a season of my life where I just don’t care that much about what other people think of me in a negative way. I am me. I finally feel like a solid human being that has a purpose in this life. I finally feel put together and deserving of other’s love. I finally feel free of earthly judgments and the crushing power they hold even if they come from within myself.

I’m not saying I feel like this every minute of every day. But, right now in this space I feel complete. It’s taken around thirty years to get me here and that is frustrating. To think of all the time I spent wasting in worry or insecurity is frustrating. If I only knew then what I know now. But I think this is something to be celebrated even if the celebration is a simple little blog post.

So, thank you, Shell for allowing us to search and pour our hearts out every week if we so choose in any way we deem necessary. And thanks to all of you that read, mostly silently ; ) I know you are there. Thanks for your comments of support and love whether it is below or on Facebook or in a private email, even little comments once I see you in person. Thank you. This blog has allowed me to express myself in a way I may never have gotten to verbally. It has helped me express my feelings about past things, my hurt around losing loved ones, and my love for many, many people in my life and so much more. This blog and all that comes with it is a big factor in where I am today.

PYHO - Grief

One continuous yellow line. Mile after mile marked along the side of the road. The sky was blue with only one lonely cloud. My mind retraces the day. I stepped out of my comfort zone. Expressed some true feelings and desires about my career to someone I respect. My shoulders relaxed and my neck lacked the tension it was getting used to. It was a good day. A slight smile on my face. The radio humming mindlessly in the background of my thoughts.


My mind flashed to a small OR prep room. I was there lying in the bed. My body covered with the recycled gown. The room was dimly lit in the early morning. My mom was there, Dale at my side. There was nervous conversation about the plans for the day. Worry in their eyes. Assurance that this was ok in mine.

My stomach pooched days before. Those early signs of our dreams reaching a new level. The room was cleared. Kisses to my head and reassuring touches to my hand.

I laid there trying to calm my shaking body. Trying to muster up a nervous smile to the doctor I have trusted as her face appeared above my toes. She shared the care in her eyes and in her hand as she rubbed my leg telling me she would see me in a few minutes. She left my vision. The nurse went through her preparation and my eyes searched the ceiling. The tears had arrived and left a path down my cheek and puddled in my ear. “I’m sorry. I thought I was over this. I thought I dealt with it.” She handed me a tissue. She didn’t speak a word and just held onto my hand as her hand comforted my arm. That’s all I needed. I didn’t need a talk. I didn’t need a hug. I needed time and comfort in this perfect way.

My eyes refocused on that yellow line, the different cars in my rear view mirror. The tears were now in my eyes and the grip I felt in my core.

G.R.I.E.F

You don’t know when it is coming. You don’t know what it is going to do. You just hold on tight and know for some reason your mind needed the reminder. It hurts. So many different ways, it hurts. Like peeling the scab too soon from that wound no matter how long you gave yourself to heal.

I finished my drive home remembering that Friday like it was yesterday. Remembering at the time that losing a baby shattered my life and erased any thoughts of control I had in my mind. There were no answers. There was no comfort. Why the grief, why right now? Why on a seemingly good day? I don’t know. The grief is there like that continuous yellow line. Sometimes it fades away completely. Sometimes it is there showing its face in the miles we travel in our lives.

Minutes later I received a phone call. Wyatt was on the other end wondering where I was and just like that my day was brightened a little bit more. Waylon took the phone and instantly I couldn’t get over how big he sounded. This is my life. This is my joy. These are the things I was not in control of but were delivered by God in His time. Grief comes and grief goes. I’m reminded again and again. I’m thankful for the reminders and thankful for the reality and the ability to be a stronger me because of them.

PYHO: Carefree and Happy

I just couldn't go there this year. Oct 15, National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance day. Usually I write something.  Usually I make sure others around me have the little reminder. 

I just couldn't do it this year.The heartache we've felt this year. The disruption in our family life in almost every single aspect. The birth of your youngest baby brother.

That doesn't mean I've forgotten. That doesn't mean I still wonder about the child you would be. Were you my baby girl?  The one I see in my dreams. The blonde hair. The big blue eyes. Are your eyelashes as long as your brother's?  The tan toddler arms that run into a little chubby roll just before your soothing hands. Would you like school as much as your big brother does?  Oh what I wouldn't give to see you with him. 

You are the one I see with the sunlight glowing through your hair. Your smiling face peaks over your shoulder while you run from us carefree and happy. You're not physically here. I can't feel your physical touch. Your loving kisses and tight hugs. But you are the deepest part of me. The one that makes me dig to find myself the one that gives me assurance that my worries have no merit.

A glance at a quilt.  The reminder of the shirt that hangs in my closet.  The thoughts of the day we heard the news.  The emotions; the pain, the guilt, the tears.

But I see you.  There in my dreams.  I still feel you when I allow myself to go there.  I see your painted nails around your daddy's neck while your glimmering ear touches his.  I hear your whispers when I get overwhelmed and lose perspective.  It could all be taken away. 

You remain perfect.  Untouched.  Happy.  Pure.  You remain in my heart.  You know an existence far greater than we can even comprehend. 

And yet I find myself going there anyway.  It's important.  It hurts.  It brings back emotions I have buried.  But I have to.  I have to feel that pain, remember the jumps for joy when we announced you were coming and the news that it wouldn't be. I have to let it run through my veins in hopes I will never forget.  Never let you down. 

In hopes to be a mommy you would be proud to claim even amongst the company you keep. 

Could there BE anymore perfects?

I almost forgot his backpack and his change of clothes. 

Write his name on his folder and on the inside of his bag. 

Underwear, he needs underwear with that extra change of clothes.

It's perfect outside.  70 degrees with a few puffy clouds perfectly dotted in the sky.  The sun warming my back.  It's a perfect day.  A day when I decided to work from home so I could be the one taking him on his first day and picking him up to hear all about it. 

He waited at the door at the babysitters until I pulled up. 11:50 on the dot.

His smile couldn't BE any bigger.

"Mommy!"

He greeted me with one of the biggest hugs and never broke the smile on his face. 

"How excited are you?"

He couldn't put enough supers in his response.  "Even more excited than Spiderman!" I'm not really sure how excited Spiderman gets, but he's got nothin on Wyatt today.

"Can I take your picture when we get there before you go in?"

He rushed me out of the car.  "We've got no time to fool around!  Is right here ok?"

 

That's perfect, buddy!  PERFECT!

Keep it together

We took the folder with the perfectly written name on it out of his bag and into the basket.  We hung his backpack up right under his name.

"Ok, give mom a kiss and a hug and we will get started"

Oh my gosh, keep it together

One huge kiss on his shining teeth because he has yet to let that smile fade and a hug bigger than the one above.  

"Good luck, sweetie!  Have an awesome time!  I'll see you at 3."

I walked away after a few thousand look backs and bye, buds.  I did it!  He did it! We did it!  It had me by the throat, right there on the verge ready to go, but we did it.  

I'm so proud, sad, and happy at the same time.

I'm a perfectly composed mess on a perfect day. 

He's gonna be ok - PYHO

He grabs his Gatorade
Then his mouthpiece
With his shoes tied he jumps out of the car eager to go
Crosses the road carefully just like every time we go to the mailbox
He's running to the coach and the players lining up to get their flags in the field
Then stops and looks back
Apprehension
There's too much distance
The reality of his isolation sinks in
Mom's too far away and I can't reach her hand
The confident, cool, funny guy he comfortably is retreats
Hides
He's scared
Alone
Self conscious
Will they like me
Am I good enough
Will they want to play with me
He crosses his arms and squeezes his chest
His forehead wrinkles just above his nose and his eyes show the slightest bit of panic
It all rushes to his head and shatters his posture
If only I could make him strong
Believe in himself
Never question who he is
If only I could do it for him
Save him the hurt
If only I could announce to the world how cool he is
What a sweet heart he has
And what a best friend he could be
If only I could be there forever to hold his hand
To squeeze it at just the right times
To rid his insecurities
To build him up and make him strong
Does he get it
Does he understand when I tell him how awesome he is
How sweet
Caring
Fun
If only they could see him through my eyes
Feel my love for him for themselves
He lets go of his chest
Jams his mouthpiece in his mouth
Stretches out his arm
Those long slender fingers wave in the air
He turns with a skip and a jump
Faces his fears
Puts a smile on his face
And fills a hole in my heart

Too soon I'll forget

It’s late! I’m going to bed. 5am comes way too early. Don’t forget to turn on the alarm. Did I put the milk back in the fridge? I hear little footsteps again. “Wyatt, go back to bed.”


12

1

2

3

4

5

Six hours. I can make it on 6 hours. “Wyatt you need to get some sleep. Go back to bed.”

Then I hear it. It is soft and quiet and perfect. Weston is snoring. He’s getting too long for his bassinet. Check to see if his feet are touching the end. I think he can make it one more month before he goes all the way down the hall to his crib. My goodness how fast the time is going. I don’t want him to leave our room. I wonder if his crib will fit in here. Don’t be ridiculous. I wouldn’t even be able to make it to my side. It would be too cramped.

I’m just going to turn his little lamp on to make sure he is still swaddled. Of course he is and he is out. Thank you little man for being such a great sleeper. I glanced at his face. Oh my word he is beautiful. Look again and soak it up. He is so beautiful. Perfect. My eyes filled with tears. Before I know it he is going to be running down the hall. He is going to be getting into trouble. Too quickly it is going to be hard to remember this moment. He is going to need correction. How in the world is that possible? How is it that this perfect little human is going to grow up and get in trouble? Of course I will see him live and dream, but this pure little guy. I only have so long.

I wish I could freeze time. I wish I could stay right here forever. I found the edge of the bed as close to him as I could. I found his foot held on and fell asleep.

Saying goodbye

I got the call after work one day.


“He has decided that it is time.  Monday we will talk to the doctors.”

My father-in-law who had suffered a fall back in August and became a quadriplegic instantly had made a decision that it was time to stop the suffering. Long months spanned in between that time. Travel, eating out, packing up our kids, hospitals, hotel rooms, 3 hour drives, just to be there and to soak in our time with him. We had hopes. One day he would come home. One day he would walk again. One day he would hold our newborn baby and feel the weight in his arms. One day he would wheel his chair around the shop and teach his son the ropes.

On the drive up the thought raced through my mind. What do I say? How do I say goodbye? How do you sum up so much and speak to a person for the last time here on earth?

I couldn’t.

We spent the day with him just like every other day we had spent with him since the accident.

When it was time we woke him from his nap and I looked into his eyes. “Bye.” In a whisper that’s all I had. That’s all that came out. His eyes closed. I turned away.

I was mad at myself for not saying more and at the same time had nothing more to say.

We drove home.

Silent, lost, confused, searching for answers to all of our questions. Empty.

He left this earth knowing he was loved and admired and missed.

For his service our preacher read this:

“Bill and I didn’t need to talk much. We could enjoy each other’s company without saying much. He meant a lot to me. One thing for sure is he was ALWAYS there for us no matter what. Like the time I decided it would be a good idea to put Dawn detergent in my dishwasher and ended up with a leaking brand new dishwasher and bubbles everywhere. He came right up to look at it and let me know what the problem was without making me feel like a total idiot.


No matter how difficult or messy the job was. If we needed help he was here. He was on our roof in the heat of the summer hammering black shingles to our new house so we could get it done. He helped build our deck and put every spindle in across the length of our house. That’s just to name a few.


I will never forget the winter before last when I put the Tahoe in the ditch on PP on my way to work. Within the hour he was there in knee deep snow to help me out. He drove his heatless truck there and waited with me until we got everything straightened out. Later that night Dale called him to come rescue him because the transmission went out in our car. Sun up to sun down he was there. He never complained or made us feel bad. He was there.


He was there to hold our babies and pace around the house with them. We thought he was spoiling them to death. Turns out that was exactly what he was doing and who cares if he was. He loved them there is no doubt about that and they loved him. We would see the joy in their eyes just about every Sunday of their little lives when he would walk in the door for dinner. He would yell, “Hey, What are you doin!” and they would scream GRANDPA! I miss that!


We will hear it again someday though. Until then we will be careful, Bill. Especially careful. We will make sure their memories of you will stay strong in their minds. Even Weston. He didn’t have long with you, he never felt your touch, but when I took him out of the room you asked to get him back in there. We will make sure he knows all about you.


You were a selfless, kind, loving, hard working man that loved his family and friends beyond measure. I think that is evident by the out pouring of love and support they have all shown since the accident. They talk about your smile, your talent, your hard work. What a gift you have given me in your son and the characteristics you have passed to him. I’ll always be thankful to you for that. We’ll see ya!”

He made death easier to accept for us. Suddenly it didn’t seem so scary. He left his print in this world and touched the lives of others. Our selfish hearts are trying to heal and move on without him. In so many ways we are missing him. First days of school, holidays, first t-ball games, cooking out, working around the yard. He isn’t here when we got so used to him being here. We are missing him. There was a reason. There is a lesson. We are searching to find them. If nothing else, we realize just how precious our time is and how quickly things can change.

You can read our journey through this experience through these posts.