Today I wanted to support a blogging friend of mine on her two year anniversary of an awesome link up where she allows people to pour their hearts out in a post each week and link up. In return they get support, love, and sometimes validation. I wanted to write something, but I’m just not inspired today. My heart isn’t hurting. I’m not emotional about anyone specific thing right now. The anniversary of my Father-in-law’s death is right around the corner, but I want to choose to celebrate rather than mourn. Too many times I think of searching my heart needs to leave me in tears. I think it needs to bring sadness, grief, and mourning to the surface. The past that I feel should have been better in some areas dealt with once again.
But I can’t. Just thinking about searching my heart puts that oh so familiar knot in my throat and my eyes at the verge of tears. I don’t want to do it today.
What’s wrong with searching my heart for the good season I seem to be in on this particular day?
Truth is, I’m proud of myself right now. You won’t hear me say that too often especially on the day after one of my most embarrassing moments. I’m the girl that can never rate herself as excellent on the reviews even though I know I worked my ass off to knock it out of the park. I’m the girl that gets red in the face in interviews when I have to describe myself and what my strengths are. I’m the girl that stumbles over her words in response to “Tell me about yourself.”
I’m not saying I’m perfect, far from it. There are TONS of things I still need to work hard at every single day of my life. I’m not saying I’m better than you, I’m not comparing. This isn’t about you. What I’m saying is I’ve spent years being shy, doubting myself, feeling insecure, undeserving. I’m finally in a season of my life where I just don’t care that much about what other people think of me in a negative way. I am me. I finally feel like a solid human being that has a purpose in this life. I finally feel put together and deserving of other’s love. I finally feel free of earthly judgments and the crushing power they hold even if they come from within myself.
I’m not saying I feel like this every minute of every day. But, right now in this space I feel complete. It’s taken around thirty years to get me here and that is frustrating. To think of all the time I spent wasting in worry or insecurity is frustrating. If I only knew then what I know now. But I think this is something to be celebrated even if the celebration is a simple little blog post.
So, thank you, Shell for allowing us to search and pour our hearts out every week if we so choose in any way we deem necessary. And thanks to all of you that read, mostly silently ; ) I know you are there. Thanks for your comments of support and love whether it is below or on Facebook or in a private email, even little comments once I see you in person. Thank you. This blog has allowed me to express myself in a way I may never have gotten to verbally. It has helped me express my feelings about past things, my hurt around losing loved ones, and my love for many, many people in my life and so much more. This blog and all that comes with it is a big factor in where I am today.