Don't Take Him For Granted

May I never take for granted the man I have that shares my bed.

It is easy to take him for granted. To give all my love and affection to the boys that are so needy for it. To take out my frustrations on him because I feel safe with him and I know he can handle it. He doesn’t deserve it, but he can handle it. He deals with a lot; school, family, coaching, etc. On the surface it doesn’t sound like much, but we all know that behind each of the things that take up our lives are complications, drama, and stress. On top of it all he does damn good at taking care of us and those around us. Thank goodness he is a handyman around the house and with our cars and he actually knows what he is doing. I love him for so many different reasons as well and I’m so thankful for him. Nothing makes me happier than to hear how much he has missed his boys after being away from them for a few hours. How he talks to them. How he plays with them. And how they feel about him.

Waylon did his usual sneaking into our bed last night, but he actually did it before I dozed off. I told him what a good daddy he has. His response, “Yeah, I love my dad.” We had a good talk about love and getting in trouble and what all that means and how it works together. Quite a great conversation I had with my little four year old! He loves his boys and the feeling is mutual. He shows them the perfect amount of affection, in my opinion, and tells them he loves them often. I know so many kids that just don’t get that. They don’t get to cuddle up with their dads on the weekends and fall asleep watching movies or get to go out and “work” for hours with their best friend and role model. I’m just so thankful for these relationships in our lives and the man responsible for them.

Workouts and eating:
By 9:30 at work I’m starving. I’m finally prepared for that by having some healthy snacks stashed in my drawer, but I feel like I eat all day long especially on light meeting days. When I’m at home on the weekends I feel like I’m never that hungry and I hardly ever snack on anything. That’s the difference between sitting on your butt all day vs up and moving at home, I guess. I’m convinced that eating out on my lunch break puts pounds on my rear faster than anything ever. If you work out of the office and are hitting up the restaurants every lunch break, STOP! Even if you are going to healthy places and making healthy choices you have a higher chance to eat larger portions than you should be eating. Take your lunch and pack it as healthy as possible as much as you can. I swear that one alone will help you lose a good portion of weight.

I’ve taken a long break from working out. I’m not making excuses for it and I actually don’t feel bad about taking the break in the slightest. I’m actually kind of proud of myself. I went long and hard for so long. (you know you want to make a That’s What She Said joke there) Some might say overboard, but this has been good for me. I’ve realized I’m much happier with exercise in my life. These last few days I have really been craving a workout. While driving on some of the roads that my feet ran just a couple of months ago, I found myself really missing running. It was almost like missing a friend. It seemed really crazy to me, but so real at the same time.

I’m saying so long to my crazy early morning workouts and moving them to the evening. Yes, I’m scared about this. I fear that I will be so tired and want to relax on the couch instead of get my butt downstairs. I just have to keep reminding myself that I was more tired hitting that alarm clock at 4:30 every morning. I also fear the migraines coming back. I will be losing some time in my day since I am mainly doing this to work on getting more sleep. I have really been robbing that area to make time and I can’t keep doing that to my body and the appearance of my face! It’s going to take some time getting in a groove and making it work, but I’ve done hard stuff before, so I’m sure I can get this down and make it habit just like the early mornings. I’m excited to get it going and get this belly and butt back in the shape it saw a few weeks ago. Funny how long it takes to build it up and how quickly it feels like it goes. That’s motivation to keep it up right there.

The boys:I’ve had to hide the apples and oranges from the boys. They climb the shelves of the pantry and help themselves. Weston just might be a worse offender than Waylon. But, the two together are running us dry a day after grocery shopping. I’m thankful that they are choosing these over other things, but have you ever changed a diaper of a little man who ate too much fruit, especially of grapes, hmmm? If so, you feel me and you might have changed just as many poopy diapers as me in one day, which has GOT to be record breaking!

I was feeling really crappy due to all of this allergy crap, which I’m so entirely sick of, that Saturday was getting on my nerves real quick. Dale went with his mom to help her get a car, so it was just me and the boys. The house was in decent shape so I didn’t have a lot of cleaning to do, but as soon as breakfast started the boys started arguing and I did not have the patience for it. Finally I put my last dish in the dishwasher and yelled at them that we were going to play hide and seek in the house and when I found them I was going to punch their legs. They loved the idea and I was just annoyed. Go figure, boys love being punched.

I thought about just hiding forever in the bathroom while they searched and searched. We got started and right off Weston was my partner. He really can’t be any cuter. He tip toed around with his finger to his mouth whispering, “where are they, where’d they go” then yelling, “OUT, OUT errr you ARE!” That’s all I needed to change my mood. The boys actually hid pretty well the first few times. No punching when I found them (that was just a joke). Pretty soon it was my turn to hide so I picked the dark bathroom with the shower curtain. It took them forever to find me. It was so cute hearing them work together and I scared the crap out of Waylon when he finally pulled that shower curtain back. Pretty soon I had completely forgotten what a crappy mood I was in and I was laughing until I was crying. Such a good time, but it always sucks when we have to stop!

The last few weeks I just haven’t felt me. I’m generally a very happy person, but deep down, that happiness just wasn’t completely there. And, it wasn’t because things in my life were horrible. I was busy and the holidays made it even busier. I truly had a great holiday, but I remember right before Christmas at the store walking to my car when I was completely alone feeling sad and completely alone at a much deeper level. I’m glad that is fading. I think it has to do with grief (not running grief) and how it just has a way to affect you whether it is cloudy or completely clear. It always has a way to come back and put you down for a while no matter how long the years try to expand the time. I was happy to fall asleep last night with a smile on my face and a warm little four year old by my side.

What things do you do to break the cranky mood?
Do you find grief coming back to let you know it is still around no matter the years?

 

Worldly Goodbyes

In times of loss you do a lot of thinking. 

A lot of what does this mean for me questions. 

A lot of reevaluating where you are and where you want to be inquisitions.

A lot about the ones you lose and the time you have left with the ones you still have.

There's one for sure thing about it, we I am not in control of it. 

******
We got news.  Some of the hardest to hear.  It's been over a year.  The rain came down, heavy, flooding, blinding rain.  The kind of rain that washes the familiar away and makes room for new ways to become familiar.

There was a checklist of things to accomplish before strapping our seat belts. 

• Take the dogs to Jay
• Get the boys to my brother
• Lock the house
• Call Dale.

Call Dale.

Is he ok?  Where are we going?  Where will we sleep?  Questions that in the bigger picture didn't matter.  We'd figure it out when we got there. 

As the windshield wipers gave the calming affect of something constant, predictable we navigated our way with dim, rain filtered light.  It should have been three hours there.  What we had to face, unknown. The months ahead of us some of the hardest we would face.

******

Here we are today coming up on the anniversary of my father-in-law's passing.  We have come back to that new familiar place of grief, sadness, loss, questions, unknowns, remorse once again. 

A message, a phone call.  Hearing words of another one close to us passing just yesterday.  Finding myself at one moment in peace and at another the burn of emotion traveling along the front of my forehead and down into my tear ducts, even putting pressure in my ears and a lump in my throat.  Sometimes my head spinning with where I think my mind should be instead of the calm I find myself in.  death again in such a brittle time. I should be a mess.

******

"Take the dogs to Jay"  My mind goes there at that time in the pouring rain where I hiked my pant legs up and maneuvered my expecting body through the drops that pounded atop my head.  There he stood, all six plus some feet of him, never minding the cold wet rain as much as I did. 

"Hey hon!  Give me that stuff, I'll take care of it." 

His strong, massive hand relieving the dog food, leash, and bowls from mine. 

"You want some pizza?"

My mind too distracted to eat and my body too anxious to get to where I needed to be. 

"Tell them all we're thinking about them.  Bill is a good man.  I'm so sorry this has happened"

His condolences passed through his lips as his arm embraced my shoulders. 

******

This is how I remember Jay.  Always being there for us.  His sweet card when we experienced our miscarriage.  His help and advice when building our house.  The countless hours he spent building two houses for our family.  Every birthday, every holiday, a familiar face at my parent's house.  A life long best friend, a brother, an uncle.  A gentle giant. 

As he sat there at the head of my parent's table that Christmas morning before the chaos of the day began I knew something was different.  His large frame not as full as it had been months before.  We made our usual jabs.  We awed over the book of his grandbabies.  I shared my excitement around the Chief's game we attended the day before.  Something he loved.  I wish I would have hugged him.  Told him goodbye in a much deeper way.  Told him just how much I appreciated all the times he had been there.  But that was Jay.  The Jay we knew didn't like attention on himself, he didn't even like birthday celebrations in his honor.  He would have been damned if I would have gushed over him in that moment. Joking away my questions about the weight he had lost. We spent it just as he would have liked, talking about the things he enjoyed, he loved with some of the people he loved.

See ya later, Jay...

PYHO - Grief

One continuous yellow line. Mile after mile marked along the side of the road. The sky was blue with only one lonely cloud. My mind retraces the day. I stepped out of my comfort zone. Expressed some true feelings and desires about my career to someone I respect. My shoulders relaxed and my neck lacked the tension it was getting used to. It was a good day. A slight smile on my face. The radio humming mindlessly in the background of my thoughts.


My mind flashed to a small OR prep room. I was there lying in the bed. My body covered with the recycled gown. The room was dimly lit in the early morning. My mom was there, Dale at my side. There was nervous conversation about the plans for the day. Worry in their eyes. Assurance that this was ok in mine.

My stomach pooched days before. Those early signs of our dreams reaching a new level. The room was cleared. Kisses to my head and reassuring touches to my hand.

I laid there trying to calm my shaking body. Trying to muster up a nervous smile to the doctor I have trusted as her face appeared above my toes. She shared the care in her eyes and in her hand as she rubbed my leg telling me she would see me in a few minutes. She left my vision. The nurse went through her preparation and my eyes searched the ceiling. The tears had arrived and left a path down my cheek and puddled in my ear. “I’m sorry. I thought I was over this. I thought I dealt with it.” She handed me a tissue. She didn’t speak a word and just held onto my hand as her hand comforted my arm. That’s all I needed. I didn’t need a talk. I didn’t need a hug. I needed time and comfort in this perfect way.

My eyes refocused on that yellow line, the different cars in my rear view mirror. The tears were now in my eyes and the grip I felt in my core.

G.R.I.E.F

You don’t know when it is coming. You don’t know what it is going to do. You just hold on tight and know for some reason your mind needed the reminder. It hurts. So many different ways, it hurts. Like peeling the scab too soon from that wound no matter how long you gave yourself to heal.

I finished my drive home remembering that Friday like it was yesterday. Remembering at the time that losing a baby shattered my life and erased any thoughts of control I had in my mind. There were no answers. There was no comfort. Why the grief, why right now? Why on a seemingly good day? I don’t know. The grief is there like that continuous yellow line. Sometimes it fades away completely. Sometimes it is there showing its face in the miles we travel in our lives.

Minutes later I received a phone call. Wyatt was on the other end wondering where I was and just like that my day was brightened a little bit more. Waylon took the phone and instantly I couldn’t get over how big he sounded. This is my life. This is my joy. These are the things I was not in control of but were delivered by God in His time. Grief comes and grief goes. I’m reminded again and again. I’m thankful for the reminders and thankful for the reality and the ability to be a stronger me because of them.