Ready or Not

The perfectly sharpened pencils

Square erasers

New bold markers

Perfectly shaped crayons

Crisp clothes

The brightest socks

And shiny new shoes

Even the underwear new

Butterflies

And being caught in the emotions of scared and excited

Missed friends

New routines

The chill in the air you feel in your t-shirt and shorts

The smell of that bus

and the confusion on where to sit while everyone stares.

It's here.  As much as the well up in my eyes wants to go back to your first days on earth.  The way you smelled.  The way you would glow under that billy light.  Me getting used to my postpartum body and snuggling you close on that blue boppy.  I miss how your skin felt and how your relaxed hand would curl ever so slightly and wrinkle your palm.  I used to love examining your tiny hands.  We can't turn it back.

Those days in the rocker and showing you so new to everyone I knew.  How my heart swelled with each new milestone; army crawls, feeding yourself, showing affection, walking, running, becoming a big brother. You would rub my pregnant belly and soothe my broken heart.  My dream come true.

It's here. 

The days I spent dreaming about this day.  Who would you be?  What would you look like?  How tall?  How plump?  Would I still see the tiny traces of toddler or that momma's boy look?  Would you be ahead or behind the curve?  Want to cling to my hip and wrap your arms around my waist? Confident or shy?Ready or not?

How bad would that book bag slump you over as you waited for the bus or walked through those unfamiliar halls?  Could you carry your weight?  What cartoons or favorite characters would you demand seeing on everything you owned?  Would you look back?  Cry or laugh?  How big would your smile reflect the shimmer in your pale blue eyes? 

I can see your slender arm raise and your long fingers waive.  The peek of your eyes right over your shoulder.

It's here.

All those thoughts and wonders now answered and realized.  A new page, a new chapter in your life.  A part of me wants to mourn, but the other parts want to celebrate.  This is a big step for you and me and our lives. Time to say goodbye and hello.  Let some of my fears go to make room for new, deeper ones. 

I know you'll be ok.  You're confident and sure.  You don't stumble too much when it comes to others and how they feel.  You are already a leader.  You are going to make friends and more girlfriends.  Some of these friends you will have for the rest of your life.  To lean on, to learn from, to guide, to share life with, and laugh until you cry. 

I'm not worried about you, Wyatt.  I don't think I have to. I'm worried about me and how I will adjust along this long winded road.  My fears go deep as we enter the gates of this new journey.  Will I always be the mom you need near or far?  Will I fail you enough to help you grow or will you resent me for something I've done along the way?   Will you fail and not realize how powerful failure can be?  Will something along the way go wrong?  Take you left when you should have gone right? 

I pray that you will always feel the love that I feel in my heart for you.  I hope you never wall it off and you always feel it to its fullest.  I pray that you will find the ways to show me your love when at times it will be too hard.  I can loosen my grip, but I will never let go. 

No matter how big you grow.  How strong your talents shine.  You will always have that cowlick on your forehead, that mole on your cheek, that birthmark on your finger, and your momma's love flowing through your veins to your heart and surrounding it with warmth, love, and protection.  I pray that you always feel it.  With every beat of your heart I hope there is just a small spark of a reminder as to how much you are loved and how much you are worth. 

You did so well, Wyatt.  You never looked back.  I met you at the school when you stepped off the bus, the only time you looked a little scared.  Our smiles found each other and we joined hands down the hall to your classroom.  You asked if I would do this every day for you.  You don't know how much I wish I could, but you don't need me.  You've got this.  A picture, a huge kiss and hug and you disappeared into your classroom ready to face the day. 

I've been thinking about you ever since.  I can't wait to hear and see you tell us about your day.

Linking up to JDaniel's blog to share our 1st day experience.