Thursday, April 15, 2010

Excuse me while I process these feelings, again!

Do you ever just have those days when you feel down? You have nothing to feel down about, but you just feel down? I hate those days, but those are usually the most soul searching, kick myself in the ass days I can have. Those days help me put things in perspective. I live a very blessed life. I am NOT rich, but I am comfortable, I am happily (most days) married and my children couldn't be any healthier. But, I still get down. I feel sorry for myself. Why can't I have the dream house I always wanted with the tree lined driveway? Why can't I have a better car? Why can't I have the job that I want and that pays beyond well? Why can't I take better pictures? Why can't I keep my patience with Dale and my boys in check all of the time? Why is it that everyone around me seems to be living so much better than we are?

And then, I actually stop and listen to myself. I have everything I am supposed to have and way more than I deserve right now. Thank God for that! There are times that this selfish sin creeps up in my mind and it drives me crazy, but directs me towards God. These days help me realize AGAIN that I am not in control and that God has laid my path. I feel at times I need to be doing something bigger not just driving to work every day, driving home, fixing dinner, playing, going to bed, and repeating it all over again. I am not making the most out of my days and I think God is telling me that. But right now I don't know what to do with it. These days are passing all too quickly. Wyatt will be 4 soon and Waylon is well on his toddling little way to being a big boy.

It makes me sick to my stomach to have the slightest feeling that I am not in the moment and making the most out of the present time. I feel completely deflated at work right now. I can't find my motivation and I don't do well when I can't find my motivation. That's frustrating. Then I take that frustration home and want to hug and kiss my kids then sit on the couch and zone out until bed time. Dale and I stopped kissing each other goodbye in the mornings. I have no idea why, but neither one of us are making the attempt to meet each other around the car to tell each other goodbye. Pretty much the only conversation we are having right now is me eaves dropping on the only "adult" conversation in the house, which is between Dale and Wyatt. But, that is where we are right now, this week.

I hate that. I hate the feeling of that. I hate the feeling that my life is spiraling down the drain. So this is me processing my feelings, again so I can make a change, again! If it doesn't rain it is probably park night or baseball out in the front yard with the boys until dark. On the way home it will probably be music off and having a conversation with God about His will in my life and if I am on the right track because I am doubting myself, again! I know these feelings are temporary and that they are EARTHLY sinful feelings, but I have to process them to get the motivation to kick myself in the ass.


  1. What honest writing.

    I too live a life that has everything I should want. Health, a roof over our heads and food on the table each night. But sometimes I too go down the path of "What if...
    What if my hubby hadn't lost his job, what if we didn't both need to work to bring in the same money, what if I could loose my baby belly...

    But then like you I try hard to stop and appreciate all I DO have.

    At least my husband did eventually find more work. At least I can do 3 days of nursing a week to supplement his lower pay pack. At least the kids were school age before this change happened. At least I can pull on the granny knickers to hold in the wobble, put a bit of lippy on and smile!

    I hope that most days for you are the ones that you have that good perspective. I hope that maybe you can be the first to go back to the kiss goodbye in the mornings. I hope life continues to be good to you...

  2. Can I just say that I think you have been reading my mind??? How amazing that I have been feeling thaose same things...almost verbatim! Amazing. I'm a new follower. Can't wait to get to know you better!



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