When I was a little girl I dreamed of having a family. Boys, girls, it didn't matter. I wanted to be a mom. I wanted to be a mom for so many different reasons, but the main reason was love. I wanted to pour out more love than I even knew how to give. I wanted to take care of these little beings that were "mine". I wanted people needing me and getting their fill from me alone. I wanted to be "the most important" in some one's life.
I dreamt of teaching them. Cuddling with them on our couch under a big blanket. I dreamt of having movie night where we would sit as a family. Still, quiet, darkness, with joy written on our faces only visible through the glow of the tv and everyone so close together. My dream was simple and we all know that life with kids is nowhere close to that simple.
When we had kids we would attempt movie night. Watching a movie with those little punks was impossible. No one wants to sit down and watch the movie. Someone has to pee or needs their butt wiped. Someone is hungry, or thirsty, or doesn't like their brother touching them. Someone has the blanket that they wanted and the popcorn that they dropped. Someone is cold. Someone is hot.
It was kind of a blow to this dreamland I had carried around with me. Like so many other times reality slapped me in the face. That was until last week. We had the perfect movie night. We assembled ourselves in the living room in various places. The boys sat next to each other on the love seat, me on the couch, and Dale in his chair. As the previews played I looked over at the boys sitting there together with their alike but so different profiles and buzzed cut hair. They had smiles on their faces and excitement in their eyes. Before I could even think I looked over at Dale and said, "This is one of my dreams of being a parent. Of sitting here with my kids enjoying an evening to the fullest. A movie night everyone enjoys." Being so raw out loud to Dale, sharing something completely emotional from my childhood that normally I would be embarrassed to share.
Maybe it sounds silly, but that's just me, vulnerable when my real feelings come out in actual words from my mouth even to Dale sometimes. I can write it all day, but when those words slide past my tongue and through my teeth a little knot forms in my throat and I want to clinch my jaw. I have this thinking that I have to appear like this tough outer shell of a person, but there is so much more going on in the inside and I freak when the real me wants to slide out.
I'm getting better. I'll always work to improve it. Saying I'm sorry more. Expressing my true feelings more. Telling him I think he is awesome and that I appreciate specific things he is doing or has done. Too many times I end up not thinking before I talk and vent my own selfish frustrations to him and too often damaging words are the ones that push their way out instead of the ones I want to lift him up. The ones that would express my true feelings.
He is part of that dream. He is a huge part of making it possible. Of making me so happy even if I temporarily don't seem to be. He is the one that can turn a completely shitty day into one to remember forever. He makes everything okay in my world and is the strength to me when I can't seem to find it. When all three kids are crying, the kitchen is full of dirty dishes, and the floor full of crumbs, when there is nothing but the smell of shit in the air, and tempers are about to blow a gasket, he is the one that pipes up with something hilarious to say and we can share a laugh together then tackle the next pressing thing TOGETHER. He's there. He's here and he is better at helping me be the best me than anyone else on the face of this earth without a single word. He's my rock when the waves of reality seem too strong. He's my dream and so much more that I get to actually play out instead of carry around.
As the night went on Waylon was asleep on the love seat and Wyatt moved to my side. I enjoyed the movie and my company. I felt every bit of excitement Wyatt felt for the movie we were watching and couldn't help scanning the room and taking inventory of its belongings frequently. I thanked God for blessing me with such a beautiful life and the beautiful people to fill it.