It Hung There For Years - Acceptance

It’s just a shirt.
A shirt that has hung untouched in my closet for over four years.
A shirt that is pointed out as my three year old’s favorite even though he has never seen me wear it.

I hopped out of my car with a spring in my step
It was the day to hear the fast paced muffled thumps
There was a sister and a mom and a chubby faced toddler inside waiting on us

“Man, I have to pee”
“Sit still, buddy, it’s almost our turn”
“Tayarra Sharp”
Their steps followed
His hand half of mine

Weight and blood pressure
“Did you leave a sample?”
Our minds thinking of ice cream and what a great day it was outside, what we will do tomorrow, and how silly Wyatt can be
We laughed and joked
Smiled from our conversations and the energy of a child

The before so much different than the after
Introductions and greetings
More smiles and light conversation
Then the waiting and the not finding and the lack of concern
“We’re going to go with the sonogram because I’m having a hard time finding it”
“Are you sure you are right on your dates?”

I’ll never forget the dimly lit room. It was warm and the tech was so soft spoken and welcoming.
How could you be any different if you are in that position every day of your life?
That toddler beyond his tolerance level for the doctor’s office didn’t want me lying alone on the table
“It’s ok, just let him and I will tell you when to hold him completely still”

He covered my racing heart when on the screen we saw the opposite
I can still go back there; the pain, the emotion, the reaction
I can see myself lying on that table and where the screen was positioned on the wall
The outline of my angel baby and the stats next to the life I was supposed to hold
I can still see myself sitting on the couch receiving follow-up calls from the nurse and loving calls from my friends
I can still see myself shutting down and crying myself to sleep because no one JUST KNEW what to do or say

On that table with the tech to one side, the women in my life on another, and my dream come true hugging my neck
I covered my face and cried.

There was no ice cream
There was no celebration
There was not a care in the world about what kind of day it felt like outside

It was all I could do to get to my car
Empty isn’t even a strong enough word
I cried
I cried the entire 30 miles home
A cry I never knew I could cry
A pain and lack of understanding I never thought I could feel
I let myself go and sobbed

The shirt hung there as I couldn’t ever put it in the giveaway pile
I could never box it up with the others to donate
I could never wear it for the reminder it holds
For years I have hated this shirt
For years I would see it from the corner of my eye and feel like glaring at it in spite of the day I heard that news
Right there in the center of my closet it just hung there smashed between the long sleeves and the sleeveless
A color I never wear anyway

As the years go on, the pain softens

I’ve felt so much joy in our lives this year

But just as I said above, when I allow myself to go there the pain is fresh and the reminder is great

I no longer think of it every single day

It is a part of me

It doesn’t consume my thoughts but I have learned acceptance

I have become assured that I will see my baby again when the time is right

There are times I have to let this raw emotion make me better. A better mom, a better wife, a better friend.

I certainly need this reminder right now.

They are kids, let them live, relax your mind and your anger and find your patience.

He is not your enemy. We are on the same team.

I’m not sure why it is so freaking hard to do that from time to time.

Monday the day comes that affects so many women I love and unfortunately they know the exact pain I know. I pray for each of you in your journey of acceptance and honoring the ones we didn’t get to hold or the ones we held that left way too soon. I can't think about my journey without remembering yours.  Today I’m wearing the shirt. For some odd reason I woke up this morning and that shirt is what I knew I was wearing. I’m not sure why and I almost changed several times, but I marched forward and allowed myself to be strong. It’s not only a shirt. In a way it’s like my badge.

I Have a Lump

This is a personal journey of mine, but I am choosing to post it here anyway because I think it is important.

The other day on Facebook I posted, “Ladies, have you felt you ta ta’s lately? Go ahead… do it. No one will mind, promise” If you were wondering what prompted that well,
your answers are below.


No one wants to talk about it, but it is something we should be shouting and encouraging. Almost a year ago I posted this post. I discovered my first lump almost 12 years ago. I was young. I was healthy. It was a find by chance.

Doctors appointments
Sonograms
Mammograms
Consultations
SURGERY
Recovery
Scarred

I was too young to really realize how scary the situation was. I was scared, yes, but add five years and a lot more maturity and I would have been freaking out.

The good news, benign. I have dense breast tissue and Fibroids. This is something that will be a part of my life. My chances of getting more of these increase with caffeine use and other things. Things I make sure aren’t a part of my life or if they are they are very limited, but yet, they still arrive. I’m still finding them.

Self exams
Discovering or not
Doctors visits
Sonograms
Mammograms
And God knows who all is feeling me up every once in a while

A few years ago I found another one. Same routine. A bit more scary since there was a lot more at stake. I was a mom. A young, healthy wife, and wanting more children.

Good news again, another Fibroid that in time dissolved and no surgery was needed.

And now, here we are again.

Self exam
Discovering
Waiting my period out
Calling the doctor
Scheduling appointments

The receptionists I talk to taking my name and date of birth. Knowing how young I am their voice turns to concern, while mine is strictly business. I’ve been here, done this.

I need to be honest and say that I'm not the best at routine checks.  When I think about it, I do it.  (I think about it more than others.  I would say I end up checking monthly or every 3 weeks or so)  A couple of weeks ago I got the thought.  I hadn't done a check in a while and I needed to do one.  I quickly forgot about it.  Then a couple days later I remembered again.  I did it right away before the thought slipped my mind again.  There was something there. 

Actually, when I stood in front of the mirror after my shower I could see it when my hands were raised.  A women's cycle has a lot to do with the tissue changing, so I waited it out until after all the glorious affects wore off and I checked again. 

Still there.  Still visible.  It doesn't hurt, but it is on my mind.  Doctors called and appointments set.  I’m not scared or even nervous. But, there is always a bit of concern that this time will maybe be the bad time. And honestly (I’ve never shared this with anyone before) I’ve always had the idea in my head that these "girls" wouldn’t be on my chest forever. When I got so much drive to get healthy and get in shape there was a tiny whispering voice in my mind that said I’m getting strong to make it through something really difficult in the future. Like I’m building up strength to store it for a day when it is all that will pull me through. Kind of sick, huh?

I hope it isn’t true. I hope I never have to experience the hell that women go through all over the world. I hope my boys never have to realize that time as one of the huge life altering times in their lives. I hope my husband never has to hold me up when collapsing is all I have left to do.

This isn’t something that defines me. It is something that I will expect to find, expect to take care of, and expect to keep taking strides in my run through this life.

Talk about it. Encourage yourself and each other to do the exams no matter how uncomfortable they are. Don’t ignore it. Don’t put it off for a time in your life when you have time for it. Cancer doesn’t wait for you. It doesn’t care about your busy schedule or about what important meetings you might miss. Stop making excuses.

My doctors and nurses have been so great. I can’t tell you how blessed I’ve been with great experiences. They show love and concern and they truly care. If you are in the KC area Northland Women’s Clinic and Imaging for Women have been tremendously sensitive, kind, and caring each time I’ve had to visit them and I’m sure this time will be no different.

Next month is Breast Cancer Awareness month. It’s going to be in your face everywhere. There is no better time than now to do what’s necessary.  Like I said last time, Check them. Check them often and go to the doctor if you find anything suspicious. This IS your life!

I have appointments early Monday morning. I’m sure you will be getting an update soon after. In the meantime, your prayers are always appreciated.


And don’t forget to enter my giveaway for the Warrior bracelet. Man, how that little bracelet can change my mindset and keep me going.