Friday, October 12, 2012

It Hung There For Years - Acceptance

It’s just a shirt.
A shirt that has hung untouched in my closet for over four years.
A shirt that is pointed out as my three year old’s favorite even though he has never seen me wear it.

I hopped out of my car with a spring in my step
It was the day to hear the fast paced muffled thumps
There was a sister and a mom and a chubby faced toddler inside waiting on us

“Man, I have to pee”
“Sit still, buddy, it’s almost our turn”
“Tayarra Sharp”
Their steps followed
His hand half of mine

Weight and blood pressure
“Did you leave a sample?”
Our minds thinking of ice cream and what a great day it was outside, what we will do tomorrow, and how silly Wyatt can be
We laughed and joked
Smiled from our conversations and the energy of a child

The before so much different than the after
Introductions and greetings
More smiles and light conversation
Then the waiting and the not finding and the lack of concern
“We’re going to go with the sonogram because I’m having a hard time finding it”
“Are you sure you are right on your dates?”

I’ll never forget the dimly lit room. It was warm and the tech was so soft spoken and welcoming.
How could you be any different if you are in that position every day of your life?
That toddler beyond his tolerance level for the doctor’s office didn’t want me lying alone on the table
“It’s ok, just let him and I will tell you when to hold him completely still”

He covered my racing heart when on the screen we saw the opposite
I can still go back there; the pain, the emotion, the reaction
I can see myself lying on that table and where the screen was positioned on the wall
The outline of my angel baby and the stats next to the life I was supposed to hold
I can still see myself sitting on the couch receiving follow-up calls from the nurse and loving calls from my friends
I can still see myself shutting down and crying myself to sleep because no one JUST KNEW what to do or say

On that table with the tech to one side, the women in my life on another, and my dream come true hugging my neck
I covered my face and cried.

There was no ice cream
There was no celebration
There was not a care in the world about what kind of day it felt like outside

It was all I could do to get to my car
Empty isn’t even a strong enough word
I cried
I cried the entire 30 miles home
A cry I never knew I could cry
A pain and lack of understanding I never thought I could feel
I let myself go and sobbed

The shirt hung there as I couldn’t ever put it in the giveaway pile
I could never box it up with the others to donate
I could never wear it for the reminder it holds
For years I have hated this shirt
For years I would see it from the corner of my eye and feel like glaring at it in spite of the day I heard that news
Right there in the center of my closet it just hung there smashed between the long sleeves and the sleeveless
A color I never wear anyway

As the years go on, the pain softens
I’ve felt so much joy in our lives this year
But just as I said above, when I allow myself to go there the pain is fresh and the reminder is great

I no longer think of it every single day
It is a part of me
It doesn’t consume my thoughts but I have learned acceptance
I have become assured that I will see my baby again when the time is right
There are times I have to let this raw emotion make me better. A better mom, a better wife, a better friend.
I certainly need this reminder right now.

They are kids, let them live, relax your mind and your anger and find your patience.
He is not your enemy. We are on the same team.
I’m not sure why it is so freaking hard to do that from time to time.

Monday the day comes that affects so many women I love and unfortunately they know the exact pain I know. I pray for each of you in your journey of acceptance and honoring the ones we didn’t get to hold or the ones we held that left way too soon. I can't think about my journey without remembering yours.  Today I’m wearing the shirt. For some odd reason I woke up this morning and that shirt is what I knew I was wearing. I’m not sure why and I almost changed several times, but I marched forward and allowed myself to be strong. It’s not only a shirt. In a way it’s like my badge.


  1. This is so open for us to see your feelings...your pain,...your melancholy...but so beautifully written, so heart-touching, so tremendously deep in my heart as well since I also know what you mean, all too well..... I applaud you for this beautiful blog post.....maybe one day I will be able to write about mine.....or not. Either way I am OK with it and I also found acceptance of what happened....I send you a hug from here, from me, to you...and to our angels...

    1. Yahu, I'm sorry you know this pain. I truly am. Too many families do. Thank you for your sweet words. This blog has been a huge help in my journey. I've become closer to my family and so much closer to my friends. I'm glad you are at a place of acceptance. I send a hug back to you from me .... And to our angels!!!

  2. I have no words friend, as I don't know how deep this pain goes. But thank you for sharing this so that I can understand. I wish that you never knew this pain. You are so strong Momma. So strong. xxo

  3. Oh, now you have me crying. Great big tears for the little angel I lost...the son or daughter that never was. Honestly, the loss I suffered is something I still can't talk about or write about (and it has been 11 years). The pain of the loss led to a much bigger loss in my that I have never really gotten over (and never really will). Ugh. Heavy heart.

    Thank you for sharing, Tayarra. A good cry is always good for my soul. And I am shocked at how fresh the pain is every time. xoxo

    1. I'm so sorry to trigger this for you. Sounds like there is a lot there and I'm so sorry you have that hurt. Grief is that way. Sometimes it gives me a right hook in the jaw when I'm least expecting it. I hope you get to that place of peace and acceptance and thanks for sharing your heart with me.

    2. Aww, it really is okay to have it hit me every once in a while. But always surprises me, too. Thank YOU for sharing on your blog in a way that really touches my heart. I love your writing -- it is so beautiful, Tayarra!

      I went on my run right after replying to your post and that was so good for my soul. Running is my church and it was a good place for me to be this morning. :)



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