Disappointed

I don’t actually know my official time at this point because the timing company that was responsible for the chips messed the times up. They had Dale running a 23 something and me a 22 something. Dale beat me. So, I have a feeling they are trying to fix the issue before they post the official results. Regardless, I am so proud of Dale even though he makes it seem like this was no big deal at all. He ran strong and everyone loved his bright shoes. This was his first 5k race and wasn't something he was necessarily training for.  I love the way he runs and I always will. I’m glad he passed me when he did so I could see him in front of me. Too bad I couldn’t use it as motivation to get my rear in gear, but at least I got to see him widening the gap. He got first in his age group (30 – 39) I’m not sure what place overall yet. His Cross Country kids joined us as well and did great. His senior guy ended up winning the race and he had another guy finish second.  It was a pretty awesome day.  (UPDATE:  Dale and I apparently switched bibs.  He ran 22:38 and got 14th overall, I ran 23:15 and got 19th overall.) 

But, I was too stubborn and disappointed in myself to enjoy it for what it was. Saturday I focused on what I was going to do and for the first time this season set a strategy to follow that I was pretty confident in. I was going to start out slower and build up making sure I had negative splits. I’ve found that I run my best that way. I didn’t warm up. We were too busy rushing around and getting kids settled and I ran out of time. My warm up was the short jog from the front of a building to the starting line. I started out way too fast. There was a girl who seemed to be matching my pace so I tried to stay with her and therefore threw my entire strategy out the window. That’s what I’m most disappointed in. Even if I would have broken 23 minutes I think I would have still been disappointed because I wasn’t mentally strong enough to stick to the strategy I set. By the time I stopped my watch, couldn’t tell you how long, my time was 23:18, so I am pretty sure I didn’t reach my goal. I felt completely defeated when I saw that time.

My goal:                What I ran:
7:35                       7:14
7:25                       7:54
7:15                       7:42

I don't want to be disappointed, I really don't, but I am.  And all I can do is train hard for the next 5 weeks for the last race of the season, pushing myself harder and working on that mental strength.  It's frustrating to have such a good training session and then get out there for the race and not match up. 

Anyway, there was a lot of other stuff to be proud of this weekend.  Time with my boys where my youngest actually sat still and watched a forth of a movie with us before he started tackling people.  He isn't having blowouts any more.  It was a rough (crappy) week last week!  A lot of laundry got done.  Wyatt did his homework super fast and did a super job, no questions, no corrections.  I took a nap.  I got to run a race "with" my husband. I gave plenty of kisses, hugs, and rubbed my hand through their hair several times.   The boys were awesome at the race thanks to Aunt T and had a blast running from the Cross Country kids.  I love seeing them so happy and having so much fun.  I don't think Waylon's smile could be anymore full of life.  And, I had patience and loving words and truly enjoyed them.  That beats it all! 

So, despite my disappointment I didn't ruin all of me and that, my friends, is huge progress.  I'm a big fan of balance and right now I am doing my best to tweak and readjust.  An exercise I find myself doing again and again to make it all work and come together.  

I read several scriptures this morning including the one below.  Sometimes it is hard for me to see the bigger picture.  I get all wrapped up in what I feel right now.  I know I'm not handling this disappointment well and I know others see that and now you will read about it.  But, again, it is important to be true to yourself and to others.  It is important for other people to know that your life is not perfect.  You are not the exception.  Hiding the truth does nothing but discourages others in their journey because it paints a false picture and leads to unrealistic goals and expectations.  Working out is hard, competing is hard, life is hard.  What this verse means for me today (I realize I'm taking it out of context) is that we were sinners, we have made mistakes, but now the Lord is in us and lives through us.  Our mistakes and sins are forgiven even though they will come again, but we have a message to spread and love to share and we should LIVE to do just that. That's the bigger picture I need to see.  Not just about one little race and not all about me.

For you were once darkness, but now you are light in the Lord. Live as children of light [NIV] Ephesians 5:8