These events, yes, they are major events, they shaped me. In a way I look at that list above and think it is too much for one person. It seems awfully long for my short life. But it is a list, my list and it could be worse.
Those events gave me stronger, broader shoulders, soften and hardened my heart, left me with confidence, and more faith in God than ever before. He truly got me through the times I thought I couldn’t.
I do my best not to take things for granted. I stop, I listen, I observe and notice, I take the small things in, I wait.
Each of these events taught me that I’m not the one in control no matter how hard I try to fight for it. Again and again I’m reminded.
I look at my boys in awe. They are mine for a brief second. They are trying and exhausting at times, but they are nothing but a temporary gift. Losing one of them, losing my husband those are still two major things I fear. Two things I don’t think I could make it through. The aftermath of the events from above have pulled a blanket over that fear, but it’s still there under the covers.
When things get hard. When I’m tired, frustrated, exhausted, angry, on the verge of tears I do my best to go back there. What if He took it all away? I would regret that frown, those times I told him I was busy, those times when I didn’t play dinosaurs or play dough because of the mess it would make. I would feel guilty for yelling, punishing, correcting. I would remember the times I got frustrated giving the hundredth hug and wish like mad I could give another.
So I try to be careful. I try to remind myself. I stop myself from getting mad when one has disappeared to play somewhere outside all by himself and watch, listen, observe, soak it in when I find him peacefully playing, dreaming, pretending.
I’m not perfect. I don’t go back there every time. There is punishment and corrections to give. I’m too busy and it’s going to have to waits to say. But these reminders need to be there in that pocket and create that little voice in my head that whispers wait, watch, listen, take it in, remember.