Sunday, October 4, 2009

A Life Changing Experience - It's a LONG one...

Update:  I'm reposting this one just for the timing of it all.  It's been about 4 years since this has happened.  It never hurts to look back with a new perspective.  I'm also going to link this post up.  Maybe it will give someone else out there a little glimpse of hope in the middle of a life changing event.


When Wyatt was about to turn a year old, Dale and I decided it was time to try for another child to add to the family. Surprisingly to us, we were successful the first time. That was a huge difference in past experience! We were really excited. I decided that I would go through this pregnancy with my mom and sister by my side so they could have that experience. So, we talked about the heartbeat appointment at 12 weeks. Everyone was so excited to start this journey. It was going to be a girls day plus one. Mom picked Wyatt up early from the baby sitter so he could join us. Something I was a little nervous about, but I had 2 other people to help me if he decided to be demanding.

We all met at the dr's office, went upstairs, everyone was excited to hear this amazing little heart beat. After normal office visit stuff, it was time. I laid down on the bed, the dr got the doppler and she tried to find what we were waiting for. She couldn't find it. With no expression on her face, she says she can't find it, don't worry, we might just be off on your dates. I'm going to get you in to the ultrasound room. I KNEW I was not off on my dates. We got pregnant as soon as we got back from vacation. Being on your period on vacation is always a memorable experience, right?! It didn't hit me, Wyatt was a good distraction for me, but I could see the worry on my sister and mom's faces even though they didn't say anything. I still refused to admit what I was about to hear. I hadn't had any worries, I hadn't had any pains, I hadn't had any bleeding, I physically already looked pregnant. There has got to be a different answer. So we got into the ultrasound room, everyone present and proceeded to get some answers.

This is the time Wyatt started getting demanding. He did not want me laying on that bed without him. This was before Wyatt discovered his snugly side. He was not one to snuggle at this point. So, we found a way for him to lay with me and to have the ultrasound. The tech said at one time to have him be really still because she was looking for the heartbeat. After some looking, it wasn't there. There was a perfect looking baby at 12 weeks in my stomach missing the most important thing, the heart beat. The tech turned to me and said, "Do you want me to tell you what I see, or would you like to wait for your doctor?" She didn't have to say anything else. I knew what was happening and I knew at that time that this dream was over. I couldn't do anything but lay there and cry while Wyatt laid on my chest squeezing me with the tightest hug he has ever given me to that point. I can't describe to you that feeling. How does this 1 year old little boy know how to hold his mommy when she needed it the most? The tech gave me a second to compose myself and told me that there was a perfectly healthy looking baby but the baby just doesn't have a heart beat. She said the baby was measuring about 11 and 1/2 weeks.

And she asked if I would like a picture. I didn't know what to say or how to handle my feelings. She said it would be in my file if I ever changed my mind. I have never gotten the picture, I don't need it. That picture of my baby on the monitor is what is in my mind and I will never forget it. The baby was beautiful! That small little thing with a plump little belly.

We get our thoughts together, I got dressed and went back to the other room for a discussion with my dr. What in the heck am I supposed to ask, what am I supposed to do, how do you expect me to hear anything out of anyone's mouths? This is not what we came in here for. We were supposed to hear a heart beat, celebrate and then go out for ice cream. What is going on, is all I could think about and how this is a complete nightmare, that I have lost my baby. Wyatt has lost his sibling which I was dying to see him with.

The dr gave me some next steps. I was supposed to wait and see if I pass the baby and if not by the end of the week I would have to go in for a DNR. At this point I just want to say how much I love my doctors and nurses. They are so kind and sincere. My nurse called me the next morning to see how I was doing and answer more questions of mine. That helped a lot.

As I was following my mom home, of course I was crying uncontrollably. She was on the phone with my mother-in-law and Dale's grandma. When we got to the house, Dale's grandma and aunt were there. I love them dearly already. Rhonda, Dale's aunt, lost 2 babies. One was still born. Her being there meant the world to me. This whole time, I couldn't get a hold of Dale. He is a coach, if you don't know, and never answers his phone. He was late getting home that night and wondered why there were so many cars in our driveway when he got home. As soon as he walked in, I couldn't control myself once again. I tried to tell him. He was getting really worried and pissed because he didn't know what happened. Dale's aunt finally had to tell him and he just stood there and cried. I have seen this man cry 2 times in my life. This hurt so bad and still does. He wanted answers just like the rest of us. But, no one had any.

I have never written or described step by step details of this day before and doing so, puts me right back into that day 2 years ago. I don't remember dates well, birthday's and anniversary's mainly. I chose to not associate this date with this experience so the exact dates of the dr's appointment and the DNR are just another day for me, but the experience is surely not forgotten. When I was going through this I thought about burning the outfit I was wearing and completely detesting anything and everything about that day, but I decided not to and that it wouldn't change a single thing. It wouldn't bring life back to that baby. I chose to go the other direction. I can tell you what shirt I was wearing that day and I have struggled putting it on after this, but I did it and it felt like a victory. I don't need a shirt or a date or a smell or anything else to take me back there to remember. Remembering is not something you can do with a moment that is burnt into your mind and is a part of you like this. I don't "remember" to go to work everyday and I don't "remember" to get dressed everyday, just as I don't "remember" to remember my baby everyday. I still, HONESTLY, think of this experience in one way or another EVERY SINGLE DAY of my life, it's not a question of remembering.

I have had traumatic things happen in my life before, my brother's motorcycle accident when Dale and I were on our honeymoon, my mom and dad's house burning to the ground and them losing everything, narrowly escaping at 4 in the morning, and my brother's other nearly fatal accident. But, this, this shook my world more than anything I have ever, ever experienced. This completely changed me. The type of mom I am, wife, friend, daughter, sister, co-worker - all of it, it changed me. I don't know why this happened, someday I will, but not now.

Until I will, I have to live this life and I am determined to do the best I can. 4, yes, 4 of my close friends from different aspects of my life had miscarriages within the same year after we experienced ours. They truly helped me through this process as I tried to be there for them. Today, all of us have had or getting ready to have another child. I love these girls to death and I wouldn't have ever gotten to this higher level of friendship without the experience. I am closer to God, my husband, sons, family, friends, etc. than I ever was. My love for them is deeper than I can explain.  I am thankful for that. God truly knows more than I do and I trust that my precious, PERFECT baby is lying in his hands waiting for the rest of us, never having to experience grief and some of the awful things this world has to offer at times.



  1. I've enjoyed reading your blog recently but only today followed the link to this story. It made me break out in goosebumps and made me cry. It is so similar to what I went through on my third pregnancy. We brought our 3 year old to the scan to "Share the moment" while our 1 year old was with a friend. It was only as they scanned me looking for a heartbeat that I learned that our baby had died in the previous day or two. I too looked pregnant and was sent home only to go back into hospital a week later for surgery. That week was the hardest I have ever lived. That and the week the baby would have been due.

    Our lives are back on track now with a fourth pregnancy giving us our lovely boy. He is 7 now but all it takes is a story like yours and I am back to that day when I though my world was crashing around me. Without wanting to sound like a cliche I hope that your little boy since and now this pregnancy are helping to heal the hurt that you went through. I know you will always think of the baby that didn't make it to being a living breathing part of your family but will always be in your heart.


  2. Wow, I am in tears from your experience. I can only imagine how painful that as at the time and how you continue to miss your baby. I'm so sorry.

    Thank you so much for sharing this with all of us... xo



Related Posts with Thumbnails