Want to really know???

Remember this post where I promised you all a new subject to talk about??? Well, here you go…
You have to understand that this is all hard for me to actually admit and some of you who know me probably won't believe me, but that's ok. I'm not sure where this is going to take me so I will just start writing and we will see where we end up. My face will probably get red and I will probably question myself on whether to add or not add something a million times, but I'm going to take the risk. You are getting me. Ready?

Ok, so when I was a little girl I had the most crooked teeth. I didn't feel I was pretty, or smart, or had anything to offer the world. I had a naturally beautiful sister with boobs to envy and I didn't feel like I could measure up to her on any level. This really isn't about my sister, but that has a lot to do with why I felt the way I did. When we were young and mainly when we would go to my brother's little league wrestling meets she would get all the attention. People loved her and wanted to be around her. I felt like a shadow in the background wanting people to notice me and want to hang out with me, but that wasn't happening. I remember feeling so hurt and embarrassed really, every time we would head home from another wrestling meet. This all sounds so stupid to me now, but that is how I felt.

In school we did the typical middle school hate this person this week and hate that person the next. We still laugh about it all today when we get together. Thankfully those girls put up with me through all of that. I definitely felt like I was the meanest. I certainly wouldn't have wanted to be my friend! Why was I like that?

Well, I have what I think are my excuses, but what it really boils down to is insecurity. I was so insecure about myself and tried to do all I could to hide it. I didn't want anyone discovering the REAL me, my real life. I didn't have the perfect home life, I don't know anyone who has, but my parents loved us. All of that was really who made me the person I am today; strong willed, disciplined (in most areas), forgiving, etc. But, that was my excuse for a long time whether people knew it or not. I always wanted to put up a front making my life myself look better than everyone else. All of my friends made better grades than I did, they were truly smarter than me, but I wouldn't admit it to anyone. I would fight like hell to make sure I had decent grades so no one would outcast me. I fought like hell to make sure I was the best at all of the sports, so if my grades were mediocre but I could outplay any of them, it would make me feel good about myself. How selfish! I guess that's where I get my drive. Truth is I had a lot of flaws to hide.

My insecurities led me to drinking to fit in with my sister's older friends at way too young of an age. Thankfully, I had the will power not to ever touch a drug outside of nicotine, which thankfully I could never get the inhaling thing down, so that never stuck. I always stood firm on not doing drugs. Thank God!!! I made some really horrible decisions on who to hang out with. Most of that time included drinking. Thankfully God had another plan for me. I got braces, matured a tiny bit, and asked this senior guy out to a dance when I was a sophomore. From that day in the hallway in front of the gym doors my life changed. I decided, out of a fit of rage because this other guy just dissed me for the girls ask guys dance, the second I saw Dale standing in the hall I would just ask him. I mean he was kind of cute and we had been kind of flurting with each other at track practice, but I really didn't have good opinions of him prior to that. But, I asked him anyway and he said yes and we went and we had a great time and we haven't been apart since. Maybe there were times when we should have said enough is enough like when his ex-girlfriend wouldn't leave him alone and some other things, but we stuck together.

Anyway, back to my insecurities… Dale took me to church and we started going regularly. I finally started realizing that there was a God and what that meant. I finally started gaining respect for myself, but I wasn't totally there. As a younger woman I never felt whole. I never felt like I was completely put together and like something was missing. I don't know quite how to explain it but it was a physical feeling. I would look at other ladies and think wow she has really got it together. I wish I was as pretty as her or I wish I had my life together like her. I never felt solid. I guess whatever it was I was lacking started filling in once I started my relationship with God, but I still had little self esteem. I felt great around Dale, but put me in a room with my family, my friends and God forbid strangers and I was a nervous mess on the inside. I felt so nervous around my sister. It was like my whole life I tried to show that I was capable of being someone worthy for her to spend her time with. With my friends I still felt like I had to hold up this image that I am good enough to be their friend.

Dale knew me in and out. He knew my secrets, he supported me, and he LOVED me. I guess what I was feeling is that I was never fully loved by anyone. Now that I am a parent I know how ridiculous me feeling that way is. But, I did. I love my parents to death, but I want to do things differently with my kids. Some of that I am failing at, some I feel like I am doing great at - another day, another post.

When I got my current job almost 7 years ago I started feeling like I could really do something. I started realizing that maybe I really am smart and maybe I can stop just pretending that I am. I did well, I excelled, and I got promoted quickly and often. I was feeling like I had accomplished something, but I wasn't where I wanted to be yet. Slowly but surely it is coming and along the way, everything included; my kids, my marriage, my relationship with my parents, my relationship with my sister, my relationship with God, my friends, I have become whole, solid, confident, and have accepted who I am and learned to like it. Except for maybe once a month when my world feels like it is falling apart at the seams. I start losing faith, doubting, failing as a parent and as a wife, feeling like I'm not good enough for anything. Maybe I need to get some kind of really good emotion controlling PMS drugs!!! Sorry Vic, my only male reader that I am aware of ; )! I know you can handle it though! So that's me that's how I became me.