The Idea of a Bath

Turn the knob

You can hear it across the house and in the kitchen
The water splashes against the bright white
Steam rises
The air becomes thicker and the mirrors cloudy
Rush the last few things in the kitchen and get the boys to bed so the house is quiet
The room is dark, lit only by the flicker of a vanilla candle

Slide one foot in the hot water
As the goose bumps form all over my body
I slowly slide down until my back and shoulders are submerged
And the bubbles hit my chin
The warmth takes over and my body melts into relaxation

I lay there
Thinking
Falling asleep
Waking up to relaxation all over again
Sweating
Thinking more about all the things that need to be done
And how I don’t have time to be sitting in a bath
Quiet my mind
Go back to thinking about nothing
And talk myself into getting out

I lift my body which seems to be 10 pounds heavier
And so much more tired
And wrinkled
Grab my towel
Throw my clothes on
Zombie my way to either the couch or into bed feeling completely drained
and like I don’t have the ability to effectively move my body.

I’m not a bath taker. I can’t remember the last time I took one, but don’t they sound lovely? I heard a song on the way to work this morning and it had me dreaming of dipping myself into a hot bath in the dark. Calm, relaxed, warm. It sounds so dreamy. I said to myself, “I’m going to take a bath tonight” then I thought of all the crap I have to do and how often Waylon likes to get out of bed these days leaving me with no peace and quiet before I collapse into bed barely squeaking out the first two words of my prayers.

Instead my night turns into, well, I have three young boys. You all have a good idea what my night is all about. Breaking up fights, cleaning up messes, disciplining this one for saying a cuss word, then that one, keeping the breakables out of their reach, especially that young ones and anything liquid or messy. Reading stories, fighting bed time, trying to keep my patience through bath time, keeping the baby out of the toilet and away from the plunger and the toilet bowl brush. Kisses and hugs and snuggles, which is the only thing that cures my horribly tired mood at bed time. Getting kids back out of bed because we just realized they had homework due the next day, but then leaving it on the counter the next morning, forgotten anyway.

Life is busy. I throw many pissy pants parties, but there are times when we all have a second to breathe. I look over and the baby is playing quietly with a truck. The middle one is sitting next to him playing with something completely different. And my oldest is sitting next to me enjoying the same show we are enjoying. And it all seems completely ok and calm and so much worth every single minute of chaos. There are times when they show me just how well we are doing as parents when we feel like we are failing. They show respect to others, they do well at school, they have smiles that can change people’s days. They comfort the people they love when they are hurting.

I have been spending way too much time thinking about the future. What goals I want to set for running and how I’m going to get there. What I can do to get out of the career I’m in for something my heart isn’t completely in to. How we are going to get this and that. Thinking about the future is important to a certain extent but what about right now?

What about the toddler chub that is melting off of my middle son’s body? What about my oldest talking about what he loves about school? Did I even ask him how school was yesterday? What about my baby who I’m holding onto calling a baby even though he is almost 2. He’s almost 2. He talks in simple sentences, which are completely cute to hear him say, “Thank you, mama” but it’s too damn soon. I wish time away and wish it back all in the same breath.

I’m taking my life back. I’m going to say no more often when it's important to say no. I’m going to speak up for what I think is right and demand answers and action. I’m going to go to work and instead of having one foot out the door I’m going to get myself back to where I want to be. I’m going to pour myself into my running to meet goals I have doubted. And when 6:30am comes I’m going to pour myself into being a mom and a wife that I’m proud of being until 7:30am hits then I’m going to pour myself into the employee I’m proud of being until 5pm comes back around and it is mom and wife time all over again no matter what kind of crazy freakin schedule we have. Besides, everything is going to get crazier from here on out.  I’m going to stop looking elsewhere and love and soak up where I’m at now. Right now!

And tonight, when I get home at 10pm, I’m going to take a fucking bath and like it!