Monday, July 30, 2012

Running Emotions - they got the best of me

Right now I have this feeling inside me like I want to scream.  I feel like I want to do so much, go so far, but I'm being held down.  Almost to the point of tears.  I want to fast forward when everything else says live right now. 

I want to reach out and go further, run faster, harder, and love it more. 

I made the mistake of searching for other running blogs.  I read their mile splits, counted their marathons.  I got nervous and excited.  I want to be out training and running farther but I'm at this desk in front of this computer.  I asked myself why my splits weren't faster.  Why I can't run more miles. 

Then that doubt seeped in.  I'm a tornado of emotions from "beat the doubt" to excuse after excuse.  I don't run as much as them.  I don't train like they do.  How should I train?

I can't because.... 

I won't because....

I'll never get to that level....

What am I doing this for?  Why do I want to compare and compete and take things further?

FOR ME! For my FAMILY!  It's not about the time anymore, remember?!  This is just a piece in making me better as a whole, right?!

I don't ever want to forget that.  I'm not running against you, or you, or you, or you.  I'm running against that doubt in my mind and against the ordinary, sedentary life that I could be living.  I'm running to be healthy, to show my boys what life takes to live it right, commendable, respected.  I'm running to motivate and honor.  If one other person takes out after me to follow my lead, I'm successful, right?!

Don't forget these, t.

It's so easy to get out of hand.  It's so easy to go from one extreme to another.  To get caught up in it all. To get competitive.  I'm very competitive.  I'm surprised I haven't started charting my moods because based on my posts we would be on one hilly ride.

I may talk a big game, but it's just as much a message to me as it is to you. 

My attitude still sucks sometimes and I'm not standing on any pedestals.  I'm me.  Making the most of me.  Showing, growing, living.  There are days I'm ok and excited about the unknown, what this feeling inside of me is, but there are days like today where I want answers and proof and real examples.  I want to do something about it and force my destiny.  What's it all mean?  Where am I going?  What's it about?  Is forcing it part of the plan?

I guess this is where I need you.  What has been your experience?  How did you get into it all and try to keep the cap on the competitiveness?  How do you balance it all?

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