Missing my blogging

Oh, blogging, how I have missed you and it's only been a little over a week. I've wanted to blog, just haven't had any time for it. No lunch breaks at work, too much to do at night, just busy, busy. But, I can't take it any longer.

I have been in quite a funk lately and from reading other blogs and hearing from others, I'm not the only one. Maybe it's the weather. I'm dying for the warmth of the sun to warm my skin and for the boys to enjoy some outside time to get rid of this cabin fever. Guess I will be waiting quite a bit longer.

This funk really started last Friday. I just couldn't shake the mood I was in. I keep questioning if I am in the right place, work wise, if I am doing the right things as a wife and as a mother and I was feeling down about all of those things. Those feelings haven't really escaped me but they come and go. One minute I feel better about it, the next I don't. I guess I should explain a little further. As you know, I like my job, I like what I do and the people I work with, but I keep questioning if this is right for me, if I am making a difference to anyone. I feel at work that I am right on the verge of accomplishing what I wanted to do here. I think the opportunity is right around the corner and I love that. I feel successful, finally! But, I think about my kids and how I'm not the mother that does art projects with my kids or plans fun adventures to go on. When I am home it is rush, rush, rush to get the next thing around the house done and I feel like I get something accomplished when the kitchen, living room, and bathroom aren't a total wreck. If I have time for 30 minutes of cuddle time and at least a good hour of play time, you can call that a pretty good night. I feel awful about that. I want to be the mom that plans fun things to do and does them, creating memories for her boys that will last forever. Instead I am creating memories of rushing, yelling, demanding, being unsatisfied and unhappy. That is exactly the opposite of the mother I wanted to be …. E.X.A.C.T.L.Y!!!

When I was growing up I have memories of yelling, demanding, rushing, never being good enough. Don't get me wrong, my parents did what they could and I love them dearly and I have many good memories too, but I didn't want to create that environment with my children. I know if they read that they would take offense to it, but I don't mean it that way at all. Why is this such a difficult thing to change? I am a VERRRYYY disciplined person. I don't give into temptation much, I should be able to control and change this, but I am struggling and it is no one else's fault but my own. You are probably sick of hearing about how much I am struggling with this, sorry, but maybe if I bring more awareness to this so it is at the forefront of my mind, maybe, just maybe, I can tackle this issue. Sometimes that helps, I will really get down about it, do something about it, and have a few really good nights at home, but then I fall into the same ole' rut and am right back to losing my patience and getting stressed about it.

I really think my job plays a lot into it. I strive to do my best when I am here. I do everything I can to grow and learn, but I am allowing it to take every ounce of creative, rejuvenating juice out of me. I exhaust all of this energy at work trying to be this great business person which leads me into being so worn out that I don't do the same thing at home. Dale and my boys are suffering because of it. IT'S MY FAULT. I am putting my work before them and it isn't fair to them. That really hurts to admit. So, this leads me into the thinking of if I am in the right place or not. Put these minor successes at work aside and really look at what I am doing to my life. I can't tell you how much I would love to have a part time job, or work from home, or become a teacher. Could I be successful in those jobs, absolutely, but the fear of a career change right now scares the heck out of me for many reasons. I am comfortable here and secure for now and making a major life change right now to complete change course, am I willing to do that? So, I have been praying about it. I have asked God to guide me and show me where it is He wants me. I just need to give it time and do my best until the answer comes. Maybe He is telling me that I am making all of this way harder than it has to be. Maybe He is telling me that I am not following Him as I should be. Maybe He is right here by my side telling me I am right where I am suppose to be right now, but I am too wrapped up in myself to see it.

Please know that I am working on it. Feel free to offer advice, put me in my place, tell me the truth if you have it to offer, hold me accountable. The way I treat my kids and my husband when I am in one of these funks is not fair. The way I put myself and my desires before theirs is not fair and the way that I almost refuse to realize that fact and take it to heart is not fair. I make way too many things all about me and if I was having a conversation with you, you might not get that. I say that I live for my kids and I love them more than anything and I feel that is so true but throw this job situation in the mix – is that really true? Do I love them enough to put my job and all the stresses that come with it behind me and do what is right for my children and family – is that true? If I was where I was supposed to be with Him, I don't think I would have these questions. When I dream about the future I fear not being there for my kids before they leave for school and when they get off of the school bus in the afternoons. I dream of things being much easier, but what is going to change between now and then?