When I was little I had a constant prayer and for years, that prayer has gone unanswered. Throughout my life, I have had difficult times and some really, really great times. I know that there are things I went through in my life to make me who I am today and appreciate this life I live. I am a Christian, but I have a lot of work to do yet. I'm still learning. What I have learned, however, is that I am on borrowed time and the time I do have here is God's and it is His plan. He reminded me of the fact that I was not in control of what comes and goes and the timing of it all. I thought I knew what I was doing, I thought I knew who I was, I thought I knew what my future held, I thought I knew God. When we had our miscarriage all of this slapped me in the face and picked me firmly up and put me back in my place. What on earth for?
After this happened and I was going through the stages of grief, I finally came to acceptance and my constant question to God was, what am I suppose to do with this? What do you need me to do with the experience of this situation? For me and my faith, that was a HUGE step. I could have easily turned away feeling betrayed and angry and at times I honestly did feel that way, but I knew there was something bigger He was using me for and I hope there still is. I'm sure I still don't know the complete answer, but God has given me some special gifts along the way. A deeper level of faith, a deeper level of love - one that you can actually physically feel in your heart, a deeper connection with my husband, even more affection for my son, a better relationship with my family, a very special and renewed relationship with some friends, a comfort for some that have gone through a similar experience, a greater appreciation for my life, an angel in Heaven waiting for all of us. I never got to hold my baby, name my baby, kiss my baby, feel my baby's new soft skin, or see the dream I had for my baby play out, but I will see this baby in Heaven.
God has answered my little prayers along the way. Even the ones that I felt went unanswered for YEARS, but He has answered them and of course not in the manner I would have expected, but he has answered them none-the-less. We are on God's time and plan, not our own. That is a lesson I will never forget.
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