Sucking as a person

No pictures today. Just a big brain dump.

First? An update on training, or working out, or that physical part of my life. Whatever you want to call it.

I have no desire to train for anything. None. Not an ounce. Instead I am running and lifting or doing whatever I want to do in terms of working out. Most days I make up my mind on a workout when my alarm goes off. I don't plan to cut that out any time soon. I would love more sleep. Man, do I love my bed, but I love being fit much, much more.

I've been running a lot with my big yellow lab, Maddox, aka Matty Max, aka Maggots, aka Matty. I feel so bad for him that he spends most of his day laying under the swing set. Ever since I got a ticket and a nice court date with criminals I haven't been giving him much freedom. I don't need to pay that fine again. Long story short, Maddox followed a runner to town, she called the cops to get him, he spent a night in jail, I got him out, went to court, paid a fine. All ridiculous!

Anyway, so when I run, we run. It is nice to have a running partner who has my back or looks like he has my back. He's pretty intimidating looking, but a total teddy bear. Love him. We normally do about 3 miles. The 1st mile he is all about it. Anything after that I am usually pulling him along. There may have been a time or two he has protested by belly flopping in a pool of water and refusing to get up or just plain out protesting by sitting. He's getting better. We went 5.5 miles on Sunday. He didn't do too bad.

I'm focusing more on legs and maintaining arms as much as possible and always trying to get some ab work in. 
Monday - lifting
Tuesday - either a core workout or speed stuff
Wednesday - usually a 3 mile
Thursday - hills or some other kind of intensity with more breaks
Friday - off
Saturday - still working out with the girls.  Sometimes I will add a run, but mainly running around and staying busy with family.
Sunday - long run or rest day depending on what is going on.

Eating - not great and not horrible.  I eat worse than I would like later in the week, but for the most part I haven't been too bad.  I found that when I'm not eating healthy then I crave eating healthy. 

One thing I'm struggling with is raging hormones.  I'm struggling, others are suffering.  Some days are much harder than others.  Why do woman have to be so stinkin complicated?  I know PMS symptoms can improve with healthier, cleaner diets, but like I said, I am eating ok and still raging for what seems like 2 weeks.  It drives me crazy.  Other times it seems so easy to walk through life all happy and non-irritated like.  Maybe my body is just still trying to find a normal.  Who knows?!? 

Have you all ever seen that Jim Carrey movie, Bruce Almighty?  There is a scene where he is driving in his car begging for a sign from God.  He wants an answer and wants to hear it loud and clear.  As he is begging for a sign or any type of communication he is surrounded by the same communication he is begging for and doesn't even realize it.  That is what I have been feeling lately.  I'm surrounded by the signs.  I see them.  I hear them, but I don't know why or how they apply or what they mean.  Until yesterday over lunch when the light bulb was so bright that it hurt my eyes. 

This year has been a big year for me.  I set a lot of goals.  I accomplished a lot.  I crossed things off of my bucket list and I did way more than I ever would have imagined in terms of personal growth.  I mean, I am in charge of a couple of social communities.  I never saw some of that coming.  I never thought that would be me.  At the same time my family has been right by my side as much as they could literally cheering me on.  It was a lot.  It was something that I don't even want to admit, time and focus away from them.  Not entirely, but too much for my liking.

While I was going 900 miles an hour finding out who I am and where I can go they were with me but they were also affected.  While I was being my best me as much as I possibly could, for those two weeks I mentioned above they were getting the brunt of the leftovers because we all know that we aren't perfect. 

Don't misunderstand me, I am 1110% in favor of living your best life, but it doesn't mean that things are absolutely perfect and that you never suck as a person.  It is what you do after you have sucked that really counts.    Ok, it kind of matters what you are doing to suck as well.  Biting some one's head off because you are irritable is probably a small offense that you can ask for forgiveness for.  Name calling, belittling, truly damaging relationships is hard to bounce back from.  I haven't done that, but if I don't get a handle on the smaller stuff it is going to add up.  A simple sorry doesn't mean much when it continues to happen.  I don't want my husband or my kids dismissing me after I have bitten their heads off with the thought in their heads that "oh, that's just how she is"  or "mom is in a mood again".  Ugh, I hate that. 

So my bright shining signs lately have been about them.  More specifically my husband.  When I'm dealing with my kids lately and it is the end of the day and I am exhausted, the house is a mess, and I really can't take how much of a fit they are going to throw at bed time about going to sleep, I keep hearing in my head "love, love, love, love."  My actions and what comes out of my mouth is the opposite.  I feel like a rebellious teenager with how opposite it is.  "I don't care.  Lay your ass down" etc.  I'm not proud but it is the truth.  It feels like I am just inches above my own head watching and shaking my head in disbelief and disappointment. 

And with Dale, as much as I think of him during the day and things I can do to show him how much I love him and appreciate him, it never comes out that way.  I really don't want to ask myself how long I think he is going to put up with that.

The truth, folks.  We all need a good dose of it.  We all need some humility to build ourselves back up and turn things around.  Again, I will put the PMS disclaimer on this. It is an excuse, but it is something I want to work to change.  Honestly, I just want it to stop without doing much work to make it stop, but that sounds kind of lazy, right?!  I ain't lazy!!

Also, somehow I missed my son's first touchdown in football last night and I can't get over it.  I was even intently watching the game as much as a 4 and 2 year old let you, but seriously, how did I miss it?!    So mad at myself about that one.  Wyatt says it is ok and that he will score another one just to make sure I see it.  That works, but doesn't make me feel any better.

Have a PMS free day!