33

Today I turn 33. I’m coming off of one hell of a year. 32 was good for me. I started living instead of just dreaming about living. I have a long way to go, but I’m taking steps to be my best self as much as I possibly can. Little did I know that just typing that statement puts a lot of pressure on me. None of us can be perfect 100% of the time. My goodness, do I know that. These last few weeks I’ve been really hard on myself. Almost to the point where I was thinking of seeking counseling and questioning myself every other minute as to why I can’t keep my patience and stop yelling and losing my temper. Last night I was convinced there was something wrong with me. No matter how many times I post about taking it easy on ourselves and knowing that I can’t hold myself to an extremely high standard ALL of the time, I still forget to apply that fact in my own life.


Last night I had a pretty good night of being patient and aware of my actions until the 2nd half of bath time when water was again all over the bathroom floor and I lost it. I wrote yesterday several times, “Act like a Christian! Act like a Christian! Act like a Christian!” I have a problem with my mouth when I get angry. It doesn’t matter who is around me. I slam things. I use inappropriate language. I say hurtful things. In a way I think I do it to get attention. I want Dale to know just how stressed I am and just how mad. But, I really don’t know why. I was kicking myself around while taking a shower and really beating myself up about it until finally I heard, “Do your best and forget the rest.” Those of you that have any experience with Tony Horton or P90x might recognize that phrase. I never really thought what some trainer was yelling at the camera would actually apply to more than working out.

I nitpick every single bad thing I do and in a way I think that makes the whole problem worse. I focus on the tiny negative stuff that happens in the day more than the hundreds of wins that happen. Maybe if I would stop pouring so much attention into the bad stuff the problem would fade more instead of magnifying it. I see this portrayed in my boys. Wyatt acts just like me when he is upset. He overreacts and screams until his veins pop out of his neck. That’s me, folks. It’s my fault and the more light I try to shine on the situation to change things the worse it gets. So, I’m going to do my best at focusing and pouring my attention into the good stuff. It is a complete mood changer and moves my shoulders down about 6 inches (relieves the stress I carry in my neck and shoulders).

Let’s focus on the wins! Let’s focus on the good things that are happening and the good things that are surrounding me and my family. Yes, the crappy stuff is going to happen and from time to time it is going to get me down, but I’m not going to give it the power to rip me apart and beat me down.

Today’s wins: All the love! Thank you for every single bit of it. I feel like I’m climbing a mountain and by the end of the day I will be on top of the world. I’m a blessed women who lives a rich life of love, forgiveness, and grace. Thank you so much for being a part of it.

All the guys were so sweet this morning. A card on my sink of a heavenly beach scene from Dale. A hug and a kiss and a special birthday wish from Wyatt, and Weston wishing Dale happy birthday and refusing to wish me one. It was pretty cute and funny regardless. But, Waylon. This boy… He is the one that instigates. He is the one that makes more people scream in the house than anyone else. He is the one I wonder about having a deep sweet spot in his heart, but then he surprises me from time to time. Last night we were talking about our bodies while I was making dinner. I asked him what the heart does. He immediately says, “it breaks” in which my heart broke a little. Maybe because he is such a little heartbreaker ; )! This morning he asks me for a hug and a kiss. He was going with me so I told him he didn’t need to hug and kiss me just yet. He wanted one anyway and of course I gave him both. He then says so sweetly, “Happy Birthday, mom” and then my heart melted. He loves birthdays. He has reminded me of this all week long. I think he just likes the cake as he asked when I would be getting mine. Regardless, that boy is one of a kind and I’m glad he’s mine!

Every year I have gotten, "Oh, wow! You look younger than that!"  Not this year.  Oh hell well, cheers to 33!  Focusing on the good!  I still feel young and strong and sometimes I feel down right AMAZING!