I'm feeling a little reenergized finally, but there is still so many unanswered questions.
I think part of my up and down emotions the last month or so had a lot to do with this feeling of something new. Something big. I couldn’t put my finger on what it was exactly. Something was introduced into my life and at first I was going crazy because I thought maybe THIS was the thing. Maybe this was the big thing I have been waiting on.
You might recall, but this feeling first started back at the end of January when I decided to make a decision to listen to my excuses in a different way. I still make the excuses but now I make them, listen to my ridiculous self, then I go out and prove my brain wrong with what my heart has to pound out on it. The feeling got stronger when I saw my sister step up on the stage to win her pro card in Women’s Figure Modeling.
After that show the feelings got more and more intense that there is something big here right at the verge. I easily transitioned into more intense workouts and running more races and my heart fell in love again with an active, healthier life. And by easy I mean that I didn’t give myself a choice in the matter. I just got out there and did it. One of my fears was losing that feeling and not seeing whatever it was come to fruition. I was afraid of petering out and giving up. Having nothing to show in return.
I got discouraged not too long after I realized this new thing that came into my life wasn’t 100% for me and not something that I would feel 100% comfortable doing. It would have stretched me into places where I was trying to be something or someone I just wasn’t. At the same time I was discouraged with myself because maybe I didn’t try hard enough to really know if that was truth or not. That caused that “big thing on the verge” feeling to diminish a little. Hide itself back in the shadows. That got me down because a little bit of my fear was realized. But, I can still hear it breathing. I still know it is there sometimes closer than others. I just don’t know what it is or what it looks like.
I’ve been praying for answers. Praying that my ears will open and that my eyes see the whole picture. Maybe the answer is right in front of me, but I haven’t realized it yet. Not even taking me to the ever so scary edges of a major car accident has shaken the answer loose from the roots.
All I know is this; the feeling is alive inside me. It keeps me energized and holding onto hope. It keeps me getting up at 4:30am in the morning to sweat and push to be a better me. A better me for them. I get a little too excited listening to life changing stories. Stories where people are making decisions to change their lives and stick to it. I get excited about healthy eating and those who dare talk to me about running. I get discouraged when I can’t find the perfect running blogs or people on facebook or twitter to follow that talk the way I want to listen. I get discouraged when I can’t find the close community around me to share this with who want to do the work or just plain talk about it. I get discouraged when I leave a conversation about health and people actually say, “I can’t afford to eat healthy.”
I’ll be honest, I’ve thought more and more about joining my sister and jumping up on that stage. Not as a full time thing, but I’ve thought about maybe once.
I’ve thought about my job.
I’ve thought about what my life consists of.
And that continuous urge for something more is there.
Money is a factor.
Comfort is a factor.
Fear is a factor.
I don’t know what to do to get over the hump and answer some of these questions.
Open my ears, Lord.
Let me follow your lead and realize opportunities for opportunities.
Let me not worry for the amenities you afford me today for the gifts you have waiting for me tomorrow.
Help me hear your answers.
Let me realize what is actually coming from you.
Let me feel your lead.
I want to run.
I want to be completely happy with my little family.
I want this stress out of my shoulders.
I want to LOVE what I do, work less hours, but make more money (ok, now I’m dreaming)
And I have a passion about being physical and healthy. I want others to be that way as well.
I guess I better get to listening and sorting all of this out, huh?!
I could use some advice, or prayers, or help, or something.