30.47 that time stared me in the face and I could feel my body want to melt. I wanted to hang my head. I didn't reach my goal. I'm not happy with this time at all and there is no way that all of that pushing and that stride and pace I had? It had to be faster than that.
I felt alone, ashamed, disappointed, pissed off for about .02 seconds when I realized that I didn't start with everyone else. In mid thought I heard their voices. I glanced over to see their smiles and that time on the clock didn't matter. All that mattered was that little family standing on the other side of the line that showed nothing but pride for their momma through their tiny toothed grins.
I DID reach my goal.
I didn't slow down. I even kicked it up twice. I felt really good and I am pretty sure my time was more around 26 or 27. Not a PR for me by far, but I'm not running for PR's anymore. Maybe one day I will get close to that low 20 mark, but that's not my driver.
Insanity is the only thing I have been doing. My shoes haven't met the pavement for any sort of running in well over a year, so to go off of that alone, pretty amazing if I do say so myself. I believed in myself, put my fear and doubts aside, and went out there and achieved what I set out to do. Maybe it was pure adrenaline, maybe not.
What I do know is that when you set a goal, when you believe in yourself you will find love and support. More love and support than you probably ever imagined from people you never imagined it would come from. You find your strength and encouragement to go further. It is worth it. That first step, that first move to go in the direction your heart is leading is monumental.
I definitely mark this experience as one of the major milestones in my life. It was a great day.
Everywhere around me there are whispers - Dream big, follow your heart, inspiration from this person and that. A sign. A poster. An email. A pin. A blog post. It is surrounding me, reminding me that each day my feet need to step a little further. A little stronger. It's like I'm supposed to get this message. I don't know what I'm going to do with this new adventure I'm on, but I'm willing to live it out. To experience it for all it is worth. To allow it to help every angle of me as a person. See where this route takes me. Where it takes us.
Maybe I feel like I'm supposed to do this just to inspire others. Maybe my own message is here, but I just can't drop this feeling, this voice in my head that has been here for about the last month. Life can be lived better and it starts right here with me.
The other night while playing a late night game of kick ball with the boys I realized it's not just running or inspiring that I can do better at. It's this right here. Letting go a little. Letting them be better kids. Letting myself be a better mom. A better wife. A person that is more forgiving and better at lesson learning. A person who knows how to get a point across without anger, yelling, or forcing.
Part of me feels as if I'm reaching new heights. Part of me feels like there are big things to come, but I have no idea where we are headed and what those bigger things are, so I'm riding life and relaxing my mind as we maneuver over each rolling hill and gentle curve. Following it wherever it takes us.
Dale, if you ever read this, thanks for not showing one single ounce of doubt in me from the first time I mentioned this crazy idea. You knew exactly what I had stacked up against me and you were there to support me even when I didn't ask. And you were there with that awesome smile on your face when I finished even though I yelled at you right before. I love you.