I love roller coaster rides, well, I used to love roller coaster rides. The ups, the downs, the sensation that you have completely lost your stomach, the fear, the adrenaline, the feelings you think you can hardly bare so you close your eyes and just go with the flow, trusting that you are safe and secure in the seat you are in.
So, why in the world do they refer to pregnant emotions as a roller coaster ride? I see no fun in them. They, frankly, piss me off!
One minute I am thanking God for little signs he has showed us recently. The next I am cursing everything in the world and losing sight of what matters. I hate the way they make me feel. I hate the feeling that I am going to completely go into an ugly cry if something small happens. I hate letting thoughts and feelings enter my mind almost completely taking it over like some nasty sludgy thing on scary movies that moves through the night unsuspectingly only to create mass destruction! Dramatic, I know. I hate being dramatic! I'm not a dramatic kind of person! I think I said enough hates and I'm ready to move on.
Last night we had a visit with Dale's dad. He really wasn't up for visitors though. He had worked hard yesterday and was completely out the whole time we were there. He woke to the sound of Wyatt saying, "Hi grandpa" and moved his mouth to the words of "Hey, what are you do..." then he was out again. We sat there waiting to see if he would wake up, trying to keep the boys off the floor, and from crying, and laughing too loud, and from crying too loud, and from killing each other, and from crying too loud. Then without warning entered a short, older man with his arm in a sling and a hitch in his giddy up (what movie, anyone know?). He said, "Hey guys" in a small quiet voice. Then he went onto explain that he wasn't quite a friend of Bill's, but he knew of him from a mutual friend and has met him a few times.
He went on to say that Bill has been planted on his heart and he felt called to pray for him and start coming up to see him. Wow! But, that's not all. He explained why his arm was in a sling and why the hitch. About 4 years ago in his semi he had a stroke. He sat in his truck in the aftermath of a stroke for 5 whole days, FIVE! He was paralyzed completely on his left side and couldn't speak. He went onto say that the Lord does amazing things and that his relationship with the Lord has changed his life. He came to give Bill his testimony about what the Lord has done for him. Healed him to where you can't even tell he had a stroke if you didn't know any better.
The left side of his mouth was barely sagging. I wouldn't have even noticed. The sling on his arm could have very well been some kind of sprain and the hitch in his giddy up could have been just a part of aging. But, it was all so much more. A man that had to relearn everything including how to walk. Him walking into that rehab room spoke volumes of the power there is leading us down these roads. He asked if Bill knew the Lord in which we could proudly answer yes.
We had a moment of prayer and shared a few tears and said our goodbyes. But the lasting impression that little message from God put in our minds is something that is irreplaceable. We were meant to be there to meet him. Usually we can only make it on weekends. We were there to connect the dots and witness works.
So, what's all this have to do with some pregnancy hormones? Well, nothing I guess. The pregnancy hormones give me ups that are amazing and downs I can hardly bare. They mirror what happens when I feel closest to God or to what message God is trying to give. When I am feeling like everything is in line it seems like the littlest things are trying to weasel their way in to make me doubt and turn my back giving me the feeling like nothing is going right in my life. When really, everything is going as planned. I just have to hold onto the perspective! When I feel the downs, the fear, the feeling of losing my way, I have to close my eyes and trust that I am safe and secure in the hands that are lifting me up.
That's where I am today. A high from this messenger last night and today I am left in a bitter mood. Frustrated about this and that and letting these negative thoughts flow in. It's time I get a handle on my perspective.