This weekend we didn't have any plans. I have begun to hate grocery shopping on a Saturday night. So, I inconvenienced Dale with Friday night shopping instead. That left our Saturday wide open. My morning runs back just for me. I took advantage of it and hit the trail in the awesome morning weather and it paid off big time. I wrote the experience on my phone while we did some running around Saturday morning for Dale...
The first mile always feels like crap. My legs are heavy, it's hard to find the right rhythm and the right pace, and the phlegm attacks. My first long run (6 miles) in a while. It was a beautiful day. There's just something about being on that trail vs the road where I can really connect and deal with myself. Crap that I need to deal with.
Around the second mile I really started having a multi-personality experience asking myself all sorts of deep questions like where my insecurity and self sabotage comes from. I was working through some deep stuff that I haven't gotten real about with myself in probably ever. I realized I do it because I want to be great but not the greatest. I work my tail off to get there and then I don't do what it takes to put myself on top. I do this in every aspect of my life except with being a mom. I'm scared. Afraid that I'll get there and fail, people will talk about me, blame me, I would have too much responsibility that I feel I couldn't handle. I would be acting like something I'm just not.
At work it is all about people thinking that I don't know what I'm doing. I have to realize I got to where I am because I figured out what I was doing and was good at it. I can't rely on that carrying me for the rest of my career. There are always going to be times I don't know what I'm doing. I'll either figure it out, ask for help, and move on.
In a way I'm intimidated. There aren't many women in management in my department. I deal with a lot of men. Too many times I go unheard because of my own insecurities. Which is sabotaging my own career. I'm there for a reason and I have to remember that. And I'm completely capable of holding my own, which I've proved time and time again.
At the three mile mark I stopped running. I asked myself why I was stopping and the immediate answer was because God was stopping me. I stood there on the left side of the trail alone with my head cocked up facing the sun just above the trees. Warm, not tired, sweating. I put my hands on my hips as the sun shined in my face so bright I could barely open my eyes.
"Get your stuff together. I'm right here."
It brings tears to my eyes so much so that I have to take a break.
I stood there quiet and just tried to listen. To soak it in. You're right here right now for a reason. What is it? To find my strength. Where? In you. Quit holding back. Live your life without holding back in fear.
The sun was shaded and He turned my feet around. With Him at my back I finished the other three miles refreshed. Like I forgot I was running. Lighten my steps here on this trail and in my life. Give it to him.
And that, my friends, is why I run. It's so much more than running. Three miles of junk being worked out through some tough conversations with myself/with God. What a load off.
The journey sucks a lot of the time, but you keep working, keep reaching for beyond life moments such as these.... man, there aren't many times in life where you get that surreal feeling. It doesn't come every time. It doesn't come often. For me only a couple of times, but WOW!
There isn't one specific thing I'm dealing with. I'm in an ebb stage of life right now, not at my best, but pushing for it and there are some truly dear friends of mine that are hurting deeply and I hurt for them. God gave me a clear message today that He is here and in charge and has things under control. I just have to trust that. Some way, some how He takes these shitty situations and works them out in ways where we find the blessings.
Physically today's run was not one of my best, but spiritually it is at the top of the list. I'll take that over physical performance any day.
God gave me another sign this weekend that He is in control and that He will provide when we are in need. I've spent months thinking He was too silent. Didn't seem to be there. Didn't seem to care about us not knowing what next steps to take. One piece of mail that sat on the entry way bench for about a month unopened and untouched because I thought it was just another piece of junk mail. Isn't it funny that the day I heard His message loud and clear He lead me to that piece of mail that contained a little something extra to help us along in our life's journey. Amazing, isn't it?
We had an amazing day with cousins and roasting hot dogs and marshmallows again in the woods. We said goodbye to our company and every one showered. Running around the house and playing loudly. Dale sat relaxing on the deck and soon the rest of us joined him. Wrapped in our blankets enjoying one more nice Fall night and thoroughly enjoying each other. That's the kind of day to remember!