Monday, March 28, 2011

I'm back

I’m back to work, back to blogging, back to crazy schedules, and back to little sleep! It isn’t affecting me as badly as I planned for. I thought there would be tears and a panic, but there is none of that. I know Weston is in good hands. If he’s not in mine I would want him where he is all day. And he is with his brothers. They were beyond excited that he gets to be with them all the time now.

Instead, I felt… calm. A feeling of “I don’t know how this day is going to go, so I am just going to live it and let God guide me.” It’s working out ok. I do have an attitude of not wanting to really be here. It’s like I never left. Same people, same project, same problems, same “I’ve got your back…ers”, same desk. It’s all the same. I don’t feel excitement. That’s a scary thing. Burnt out, maybe?!

I got little sleep last night. No, not because of Weston (he sleeps through the night), or the other boys, but because of an awful dream I had. It was about 3:30am when I woke up. Tornadoes happen in my dreams a lot as well as stormy waters. High tides that crash against the building I am in. One night I had a dream about stormy waters and a tornado. It’s crazy to me. This one was different though.

We were at my mom and dad’s old house that burnt to the ground about 5 years ago. We were in the basement my mom and dad were there and so was my sister. Dale seemed to be there at one point and some unknown person. Waylon didn’t seem to be there and at the end Dale didn’t seem to be there either. I’m not sure why. I saw a tornado forming and dropping to the ground on the west side of the house. The house was getting ripped apart and so was the yard. The tornado quickly made it to the south side of the house right in front of the door of the walk out basement. The tornado was dark and one of those really narrow ones. For some reason those seem so much scarier to me.

I was holding Weston and trying to find the best way to secure him to me. Then I saw my mom holding Weston on one side and Wyatt on the other. She was near the door. As I looked at her Wyatt was being pulled from her hip by the force of the wind of the tornado just outside of that door. She held onto him with all she had while looking at my dad in desperation. I looked over to my dad then looked back at her. Wyatt was out of her arms and it was as if he was running to the tornado. I woke up as I screamed his name.

It brings tears to my eyes just thinking about it. Talk about feeling panic and complete helplessness. It was heartbreaking. Then that country song went through my head something about unbendable steel bends and unsinkable ships sink. I think it was my mind’s way of saying God would have stopped the tornado before throwing my son into another universe.

When I have dreams like that I really want to know why. This one has been one of my most vivid and frightening. There are a lot of things going on. Maybe I’m afraid of Wyatt growing up and losing touch with him. He will start t-ball this summer and I just made plans for him to be in preschool next year. Or maybe it is me seeing my fear of the future when so many things are changing. I fell asleep the other night thinking about how Wyatt would handle life without his grandpa and how much things will change when his grandpa isn’t here anymore for everyone. That is coming closer to reality. Sometimes things seem to be falling apart at the seams. Other times they feel complete and seem to have purpose. There’s such a tornado of emotions and uncertainty right now. That’s life…right?

What do you think about the dream?

Do you care what your dreams mean?

1 comment:

  1. So,I am reading this through big tears right now. That dream is heartbreaking, and I can very much can relate to this vivid, frightening dreams. Not sure what the dream means, but what I do know is what a wonderful, loving mommy you are. It's refreshing and heartbreaking at the same time to see how boys grow up and change. I love ya!!!



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