Update: I actually wrote this post yesterday while I was having some freak hormonal thing going on. I was thinking all my writing about it would do me in for an awful night, but it didn't. We had a great night. Wyatt wanted to be with me more than ever and we played and laughed our butts off ... all of us. The kitchen was a mess, but the giggles and screams filled our house and fogged my irritation to a messy place. I got the sweetest note from my sister, and we also got some great, loving, encouraging news. More on that later. Now that was a good Monday!
I think a part of me is already mourning the loss of him. Not the physical loss of him, but the loss of his babiness and toddler time. The loss of him needing me to fulfill his every need. He is a big boy now who goes to the bathroom without being told and wipes his own hinny and blows his own nose. I put a lot of expectations on him and when I think about how much I expect from him it brings tears to my eyes. He is the boy that made my dreams come true. He’s the one that gave me a ton of my firsts. First time mommy, first time making a fool of myself and not caring, first time love that I didn’t even know went that deep or hurt that bad, first one to pee and puke all over me.
I know I have to let him go and let him grow up to be a strong respected man, but a part of me wants to always be the one that makes his hurt go away with a kiss and a cuddle. The more he grows and the more he picks out his own clothes, gets zoned out by a video game, or gets too busy playing with other kids the more I miss him. I miss him!
It is true what they say about having more than one child and finding that you love each of them so differently, but not one more than the other. Waylon and I have quite a connection. We’ve had that connection since day one where he just seems to “get” me. I can find him just looking at me with this reassuring expression that everything is going to be ok when I am stressed. Wyatt and I have our connection too. We don’t need to say a lot to each other. He knows when a hug is in order and he knows when he needs to apologize for “making me angry”. He still to this day just spouts out he loves me in the rarest of times with a ton of meaning and he knows that there is noone I would love to cuddle with more than his little skinny self.
I just don’t want the poor child to resent me someday. It seems like the older he is getting the more trouble he is into. He tests me more and he does things that make me question what in the world he was thinking. I just don’t get him sometimes. And he can turn on a dime. One minute he is playing nicely with his brother the next his face turns sour and he is trying to beat the crap out of him. I’m not saying Waylon isn’t an instigator in any of it, but Wyatt just freaks! Maybe he takes after me?!
If nothing else this past year our family has learned firsthand how quickly life can turn. We question ourselves, was there more I could do? Did I spend the time I needed? Did I do all the right things? Did I see their face enough? Did I enjoy the time with them enough? Did I tell them how I felt enough? Do they know how much they mean to me?
The time is passing way too quickly and the boys keep getting bigger and older and I find myself in retrospect asking the same questions, did I do everything I could do or did I let routine and schedules and school night and bedtime get in the way? Did we take the breaks we needed just to allow them to be kids? Did we enjoy them and did they enjoy us? I think you can stamp a big red lettered FAIL on that. Too many times I have expected way too much. Too many times I have sat with my face in a scowl rather than a smile. Too many times I have spent yelling rather than giggling. Sure, you need a balance and they need structure, but in retrospect, we didn’t do enough. I didn’t do enough.
It’s time I stop mourning the loss of my first born before I have ever lost him. It’s time to get back to our connection growing as his clothing size and age increase. It’s time for me to bask in the moment when he wants to come in early from a cold day of working outside with his daddy to warm up by his mommy and time for me to take complete advantage of that special time.
Robert Wyatt Sharp, I hope you know how much I love you and that you know you mean the world to me even when we have both had our worst days. You are my dream come true and you always will be no matter what. I love you ssssooooo much!