What is it about cleaning and “have to” vs “want to”? The “have to” makes cleaning so much more unpleasant. I have kept the house clean for months and this weekend I had to make sure it was clean and stayed clean and hated every minute of it. Bad moods, short tempers, get out of the way’s, pick your stuff up for the millionth time’s, why is it taking you so long’s. Everyone was on edge, it wasn’t just me. Then we went out to eat and had a great time together at a crappy eating place with a surprise snow fall. It perked all of us up. Grease, calm quiet snowflakes, passing pretty Christmas lights, and I love you’s are a good combination! The house is clean and only a couple more things to do before all of our highly anticipated company arrives! I wonder who is going to poop or puke on the carpet tonight?!
Sunday was another drive to Columbia to see Grandma and Grandpa. This whole thing is so frustrating. Not the drive and not the family time. It is Bill doing so well one moment and so crappy the next. Before he left the vent weaning rehab he was off of the vent and doing so well on his own. Then he gets down there and is in ICU again for the majority of the time he has been there. The trach is back in and he can hardly stand being off of the vent. Now we don’t know what the next steps are or the next rehab facility or anything. It is so frustrating and mind boggling to have these setbacks! He is having so many spasms they have to keep his meds up and having so many meds weakens his diaphragm even more. That is the area causing him the most trouble right now. Bill and Linda are worn out. Linda is living in the ICU waiting room. It just doesn’t seem fair. We wish we could do so much more.
On our way there it occurred to me that the Christmas stress has not hit me. Every year it hits. I am usually behind on getting someone something with no time to do it. I am in my last month of pregnancy, my father-in-law is in ICU again, my mother-in-law is living out of her car and sleeping in a chair, Christmas is here and our routine is jacked, but what is keeping my head together and my mind from racing into a melt down? What’s keeping us all together? I am so thankful for our faith and the fact that He has things in His hands for us not to worry or fret on. He knows the best for us and I am just relying on the fact that He has the answers and is in control of this whole crazy, mind blowing mess. However uncomfortable or messy this thing is going to get, He will be there and that is all we can rely on to keep it together.
There are a ton of people out there that don’t hear the bells, that don’t see the beautiful lights, that can’t sit and just stare into a beautifully decorated Christmas tree in the still of the night in their warm houses reminiscing about what all of it means. This time of year brings heartache to many and a sense of not feeling the love and meaning. I’m praying for all of them this week as such an important time frame passes. And I am thankful for where I am and where we are.