Black.Dark.Silent.Faith

10:56pm – the time I finally got into bed. My head on my pillow and my mind trying to relax every muscle in my neck. I’ve been waking up stiff in my neck the last few days. I think I have an issue with having something tense on my body at all times no matter how I’m really feeling. I went to bed feeling disconnected to my husband. Nothing big going on. We aren’t fighting, just in that weird place of being distant. He’s been dealing with something, I’d rather not go into the details, but could you say a prayer for him? It is nothing to be worried about, but something that is really weighing on him. I don’t mean to be vague, but it isn’t my place to go there, so pray instead, would you?


I drifted off to sleep. Before I knew it I was on a beach with all of my guys. We were smiling and laughing. Running in and out of the water and watching the waves roll in slowly. Behind me I kept glancing as big ferocious waves kept closing the gap between the calm and where our family was enjoying the day. We shared worried looks with the people around us. Soon the waves were connecting and panic set in. There was a bit of time I saw nothing. Black. Dark. Silent.

People stared at us as we walked toward our car drenched in street clothes. I looked over at Dale and saw 2 heads at the very bottom of my vision. More panic set in as I counted again 1, 2, thank God there is 3. Dale walked ahead as he put one in the car and I stood there and broke down holding one and grasping the hand of the other. I looked up and saw Dale in the car after he strapped the other one in. He sat in the backseat with his head resting in his hands.

11:16pm – the time I woke up shaking and sweating from the movie my mind just created. I finally figured out that the release was because we just survived.

I often dream about crashing waves. Big, huge, scary, and damaging waves. From what I can figure out these come when I feel helpless about a situation. I feel out of control and lacking in answers. Especially when I desperately want to do something, anything to change the situation.

But, what these dreams tell me as my family is always there and complete before and after the waves is that we are going through something extremely difficult and stressful. A situation where we have no answers, no light, no clue about what next steps to take. Our hands just slipped past the knot and we ran out of rope. Times when we have absolutely nothing we can do besides release ourselves, ride the waves, and rest in the fact that someone else is controlling whether or not we make it out together. Whether we survive. We have to trust what seems to be the black, dark, and silent no matter how scary. We have to know that is when He is at work and trust the road that He has paved even when we can’t see past the turn just ahead.

I really hate to be vague and I know that we will be just fine. There is no looming divorce, split up, major health issues, lost jobs, etc. Please don’t let your mind go crazy, but just pray for us instead, Dale especially and completely unrelated, Wyatt as well.

Thank you, my friends!

Dreams To Memories

You know when you write things down on your bucket list and then immediately think, “there’s no way in hell I will ever get to doing this” but you write it down anyway thinking there is a slim chance you might get a wild hair and book the trip or say “To hell with it, I’m DOING it” and just DO IT? People, I can barely contain the excitement in my chest for this one.

I will be on a team running … HOOD TO COAST this year!!! I really can’t be more excited about it. I just wish it was sooner than later. I wrote this item down on my bucket list shortly after I started running last year. I’ve always wanted to travel up north because the beauty of it all. Then following several of you runners out there who blog, I fell in love with wanting to run this race. To have this fun, to experience life in a whole new way. And now, it is happening.

It’s been over a year since I made the decision to start living my best life and there have been setbacks and disappointments. There have been times where I wondered what I was doing it all for. There have been times I’ve taken breaks. But, it always comes back; that thrill, that motivation, the drive and determination to keep going, it always comes back. I see little benefits, payoffs, rewards ever so often that keep reminding me to keep going. I see my boys want to do push-ups, or want to get their workout clothes on and step down to the basement for a workout. Weston, at 23 1/2 months, even joined me for a few push-ups the other day. It means the world to me that they are seeing it. That it is becoming part of their growing up, part of them, to live healthy, to move, to work for what they want.

I’ve seen my husband get back into running more, maybe not because of me, but because he is finally healthy enough to do so. I’ve seen my booty come back, but not the old booty. This booty’s solid. The payoffs have been priceless and life-changing. Sure, I have to make adjustments in my life to make it all work out, but that’s the beauty of it. It’s a challenge to see what I can do to get things to fall into place. Sometimes I’m completely up for it and sometimes I’m just not.

I was bummed about the timing. My biggest source of inspiration is having her big weekend the same weekend. World’s for the WBFF Championships are that same weekend in Vegas and I wanted to be there for my sister this year in person. I want to see her win that title. I couldn’t make my decision until I talked to 2 people, her being one of them. As always she was just about as excited as I was and told me to absolutely go for it. We will be training for the same weekend to kick some serious butt and making more dreams that sit nicely on our pillow tops made into lifelong memories.

I was thrilled when Dale gave me the go-ahead, so, short of buying my plane ticket, this is happening! And, I couldn’t be happier! I’m hoping to meet up with some of you that will be running or will be in the area. Please let me know. Anyone that wants to throw any awesome running gear my way, I would be happy to wear it, too. Ha!

I’m not really sure what all I just got myself into, but I’m ready for the experience. Bring it, August!!
Thank you so much, Molly and Jason for the opportunity.  I can't wait to experience this with you all!

Big Thing on the Verge

I'm feeling a little reenergized finally, but there is still so many unanswered questions.


I think part of my up and down emotions the last month or so had a lot to do with this feeling of something new. Something big. I couldn’t put my finger on what it was exactly. Something was introduced into my life and at first I was going crazy because I thought maybe THIS was the thing. Maybe this was the big thing I have been waiting on.

You might recall, but this feeling first started back at the end of January when I decided to make a decision to listen to my excuses in a different way. I still make the excuses but now I make them, listen to my ridiculous self, then I go out and prove my brain wrong with what my heart has to pound out on it. The feeling got stronger when I saw my sister step up on the stage to win her pro card in Women’s Figure Modeling.

After that show the feelings got more and more intense that there is something big here right at the verge. I easily transitioned into more intense workouts and running more races and my heart fell in love again with an active, healthier life. And by easy I mean that I didn’t give myself a choice in the matter. I just got out there and did it. One of my fears was losing that feeling and not seeing whatever it was come to fruition. I was afraid of petering out and giving up. Having nothing to show in return.

I got discouraged not too long after I realized this new thing that came into my life wasn’t 100% for me and not something that I would feel 100% comfortable doing. It would have stretched me into places where I was trying to be something or someone I just wasn’t. At the same time I was discouraged with myself because maybe I didn’t try hard enough to really know if that was truth or not. That caused that “big thing on the verge” feeling to diminish a little. Hide itself back in the shadows. That got me down because a little bit of my fear was realized. But, I can still hear it breathing. I still know it is there sometimes closer than others. I just don’t know what it is or what it looks like.

I’ve been praying for answers. Praying that my ears will open and that my eyes see the whole picture. Maybe the answer is right in front of me, but I haven’t realized it yet. Not even taking me to the ever so scary edges of a major car accident has shaken the answer loose from the roots.

All I know is this; the feeling is alive inside me. It keeps me energized and holding onto hope. It keeps me getting up at 4:30am in the morning to sweat and push to be a better me. A better me for them. I get a little too excited listening to life changing stories. Stories where people are making decisions to change their lives and stick to it. I get excited about healthy eating and those who dare talk to me about running. I get discouraged when I can’t find the perfect running blogs or people on facebook or twitter to follow that talk the way I want to listen. I get discouraged when I can’t find the close community around me to share this with who want to do the work or just plain talk about it. I get discouraged when I leave a conversation about health and people actually say, “I can’t afford to eat healthy.”

I’ll be honest, I’ve thought more and more about joining my sister and jumping up on that stage. Not as a full time thing, but I’ve thought about maybe once.

I’ve thought about my job.
I’ve thought about what my life consists of.
And that continuous urge for something more is there.
Money is a factor.
Comfort is a factor.
Fear is a factor.

I don’t know what to do to get over the hump and answer some of these questions.

Open my ears, Lord.
Let me follow your lead and realize opportunities for opportunities.
Let me not worry for the amenities you afford me today for the gifts you have waiting for me tomorrow.
Help me hear your answers.
Let me realize what is actually coming from you.
Let me feel your lead.

I want to run.
I want to be completely happy with my little family.
I want this stress out of my shoulders.
I want to LOVE what I do, work less hours, but make more money (ok, now I’m dreaming)
And I have a passion about being physical and healthy. I want others to be that way as well.

I guess I better get to listening and sorting all of this out, huh?!
I could use some advice, or prayers, or help, or something.

Bring it! I'm ready for this weekend

Ya’ll, this week…. WOW! Talk about running the gamut of emotions. From almost depressed, to almost killed, to gratitude, to extreme excitement and nervousness. I don’t know how I keep up with myself. Thank you to those that poured out your love to me this week.  I felt it and I am so appreciative.  I think it is important to show our strengths, struggles, weaknesses, and successes. We are all human and shouldn’t pretend to be anything but that.


Yesterday I went on a 30 min tempo run at 4:30am in the dark around my town. Can I tell you how much I love tempo runs?! What’s a tempo run? Jog 10 – 15, run 10 – 15 fast, jog 10 -15. I got 4 miles in. My last mile was supposed to be slow. It was my fastest. I was feeling good and could have gone a lot longer if I had the time. I love feeling like that. I’m letting my body rest more mainly in response to the week I have had and it is just smart regardless. Running feels good again, not bad every single step like it had been. I’m starting to look forward to it again instead of having to talk myself into it.

Anyway, I got a lot of processing out of the way. My baby starting school, new schedules, accepting the fact that I can’t do it all… again, and you know, almost being killed. That’s a lot to process through. But it felt good and I didn’t hit the ice cream up all week (because I don’t have any and refuse to go there, not really, we haven’t been to the store in 3 weeks and I ate a lot of cookies. If it isn’t in the house I can’t eat it.)  There is still a ton of stress in my shoulders though which I keep trying to relax but find them at my ears time and time again. 

What’s got me excited to round out this week is getting to enjoy a football game WITH my husband, Wyatt having an awesome 1st week of school where he is already talking about some girl, one of my best friends having another beautiful baby boy, and my big sis is hitting the stage at the World Championships for Women’s Figure (http://wbffshows.com/). We are watching via online pay per view and if something goes wrong and I don’t get to watch it, I just might take someone’s head off.

Who needs energy drinks? Just watch this. She has a tendency to pump you up big time.

I am so proud of her. Not only is she living her dream and driving toward her goals, but she is living a healthy life and encouraging countless others to do the same. She is doing her part to help this nation be healthier. She is beautiful and goofy and down to earth and gracious and likes to sleep and pinch my butt, sometimes she is sensitive. Following her dreams has changed her life and mine and others. It has made our relationship stronger and she makes hard work turn into results. She is someone to look up to. Someone that will help, love, and support you. She is humanly amazing. She’s my big sister! And if you aren't following her journey, YOU CRAZY!

So, here's to a history making weekend!  Have a good one!

I Succeeded - My Back To Running Story Part 3

If you missed part 1 and 2 - go back and read them, please?  I would love to hear your thoughts. 

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30.47 that time stared me in the face and I could feel my body want to melt.  I wanted to hang my head.  I didn't reach my goal.  I'm not happy with this time at all and there is no way that all of that pushing and that stride and pace I had?  It had to be faster than that. 

I felt alone, ashamed, disappointed, pissed off for about .02 seconds when I realized that I didn't start with everyone else.  In mid thought I heard their voices.  I glanced over to see their smiles and that time on the clock didn't matter.  All that mattered was that little family standing on the other side of the line that showed nothing but pride for their momma through their tiny toothed grins. 

I DID reach my goal. 

I didn't slow down. I even kicked it up twice. I felt really good and I am pretty sure my time was more around 26 or 27.  Not a PR for me by far, but I'm not running for PR's anymore.  Maybe one day I will get close to that low 20 mark, but that's not my driver. 

Insanity is the only thing I have been doing.  My shoes haven't met the pavement for any sort of running in well over a year, so to go off of that alone, pretty amazing if I do say so myself.  I believed in myself, put my fear and doubts aside, and went out there and achieved what I set out to do.  Maybe it was pure adrenaline, maybe not. 

What I do know is that when you set a goal, when you believe in yourself you will find love and support.  More love and support than you probably ever imagined from people you never imagined it would come from.  You find your strength and encouragement to go further.  It is worth it.  That first step, that first move to go in the direction your heart is leading is monumental.

JUST.GET.STARTED!



 I definitely mark this experience as one of the major milestones in my life.  It was a great day.

 

Everywhere around me there are whispers - Dream big, follow your heart, inspiration from this person and that. A sign. A poster. An email. A pin.  A blog post. It is surrounding me, reminding me that each day my feet need to step a little further. A little stronger. It's like I'm supposed to get this message. I don't know what I'm going to do with this new adventure I'm on, but I'm willing to live it out. To experience it for all it is worth. To allow it to help every angle of me as a person. See where this route takes me. Where it takes us.

Maybe I feel like I'm supposed to do this just to inspire others. Maybe my own message is here, but I just can't drop this feeling, this voice in my head that has been here for about the last month. Life can be lived better and it starts right here with me.

The other night while playing a late night game of kick ball with the boys I realized it's not just running or inspiring that I can do better at. It's this right here. Letting go a little. Letting them be better kids. Letting myself be a better mom. A better wife. A person that is more forgiving and better at lesson learning. A person who knows how to get a point across without anger, yelling, or forcing.

Part of me feels as if I'm reaching new heights. Part of me feels like there are big things to come, but I have no idea where we are headed and what those bigger things are, so I'm riding life and relaxing my mind as we maneuver over each rolling hill and gentle curve. Following it wherever it takes us.

Dale, if you ever read this, thanks for not showing one single ounce of doubt in me from the first time I mentioned this crazy idea.  You knew exactly what I had stacked up against me and you were there to support me even when I didn't ask.  And you were there with that awesome smile on your face when I finished even though I yelled at you right before.  I love you.

When I grow up

"What do you want to do when you grow up"

"A teacher"

"A Veternarian"

"Ew, a business woman who wears those sexy black pencil skirts and tucked in, crisp, button up shirts, and high heels"

"A Policewoman"

"A mom"

Truth is as a kid my go-to answer was always a teacher.  And if I was talking to my grandma it was a Veternarian because one time I told her I wanted to be a Veternarian and it stuck with her.  One time she answered the question for me when someone asked, "oh, my girl's gonna be a Veternarian.  And she will too because once this girl says something she sticks to it.  She's a woman of her word."  So, there you have it, anytime my grandma was around that was my answer.  Isn't it funny the things that stick with you?  That had to be at least twenty years ago.  (I just realized that typing 20 years ago actually puts me back around my teens.  I was going for like, 10 years old.)

I got in high school when that question really started to matter and my grandma was no longer with us.  I freaked out a little as the date on which this important decision in my life had to be made got closer and closer. 

"I don't know if I want to be a teacher. School sucks!"

 Being a Vet was good until I realized you had to take care of ALL animals not just cute little cats and dogs and occasionally horses.  I would have to touch snakes and pigs and birth cows.  Plus watching a horse "make" a baby with another horse? Vomit worthy.  Watching the same horse give birth a few months down the road?  Vomit worthy and extremely sad, she lost her colt.  Plus, all that school.

A Policewoman?  Totally cool and I would always be in shape and know every one's dirty business, but the hours weren't for me. 

In a mall on some trip I was on, maybe state track, I passed an expensive clothing store and I said to myself, "that's it.  Someday.  Someday I will be successful, make my own money and plenty of it.  Someday I will be able to afford and wear these clothes."  So that's what did it, I was going to major in Business.  I don't think I ever told anyone that was my final deciding point at least it's the one I remember.

I don't regret the decision.  I enjoy what I do (I work at a Life Insurance company - it's important, if you don't have some get some and I don't even work in sales).  And those clothes?  I'm still cheap as hell.  And they keep it too damn cold in these buildings for sexy pencil skirts and crisp tucked in button up shirts.  So here I am, the arguably successful business woman hopefully on my way to making the money I want to make some day and making a difference in this world in my own little way.

But a mom?  That has been my lifetime dream and it is here, living, breathing, thriving.  I'm in the midst of my dream.  It's playing out right before my eyes.  That dream?  I was only shown the highlights.  Taking my kids around with me.  Person after countless person telling me what a beautiful and well behaved family I have.  Tickling, cuddling, hugging, and kissing day after day.  The time went by slow and there were always smiles and batted eyelashes.  Those are the things my dreams were filled with. 

But the real stuff?

It all makes for great stories and laughs in between.  You know, once the stress of it all has time to settle.

More Than Just Movie Night

When I was a little girl I dreamed of having a family.  Boys, girls, it didn't matter.  I wanted to be a mom.  I wanted to be a mom for so many different reasons, but the main reason was love.  I wanted to pour out more love than I even knew how to give.  I wanted to take care of these little beings that were "mine".  I wanted people needing me and getting their fill from me alone.  I wanted to be "the most important" in some one's life. 

I dreamt of teaching them.  Cuddling with them on our couch under a big blanket.  I dreamt of having movie night where we would sit as a family.  Still, quiet, darkness, with joy written on our faces only visible through the glow of the tv and everyone so close together.  My dream was simple and we all know that life with kids is nowhere close to that simple. 

When we had kids we would attempt movie night.  Watching a movie with those little punks was impossible.  No one wants to sit down and watch the movie.  Someone has to pee or needs their butt wiped.  Someone is hungry, or thirsty, or doesn't like their brother touching them.  Someone has the blanket that they wanted and the popcorn that they dropped.  Someone is cold.  Someone is hot. 

It was kind of a blow to this dreamland I had carried around with me.  Like so many other times reality slapped me in the face.  That was until last week.  We had the perfect movie night.  We assembled ourselves in the living room in various places.  The boys sat next to each other on the love seat, me on the couch, and Dale in his chair.  As the previews played I looked over at the boys sitting there together with their alike but so different profiles and buzzed cut hair.  They had smiles on their faces and excitement in their eyes.  Before I could even think I looked over at Dale and said, "This is one of my dreams of being a parent.  Of sitting here with my kids enjoying an evening to the fullest.  A movie night everyone enjoys."  Being so raw out loud to Dale, sharing something completely emotional from my childhood that normally I would be embarrassed to share.

Maybe it sounds silly, but that's just me, vulnerable when my real feelings come out in actual words from my mouth even to Dale sometimes.  I can write it all day, but when those words slide past my tongue and through my teeth a little knot forms in my throat and I want to clinch my jaw.  I have this thinking that I have to appear like this tough outer shell of a person, but there is so much more going on in the inside and I freak when the real me wants to slide out.

I'm getting better.  I'll always work to improve it.  Saying I'm sorry more.  Expressing my true feelings more.  Telling him I think he is awesome and that I appreciate specific things he is doing or has done.  Too many times I end up not thinking before I talk and vent my own selfish frustrations to him and too often damaging words are the ones that push their way out instead of the ones I want to lift him up.  The ones that would express my true feelings. 

He is part of that dream.  He is a huge part of making it possible.  Of making me so happy even if I temporarily don't seem to be.  He is the one that can turn a completely shitty day into one to remember forever.  He makes everything okay in my world and is the strength to me when I can't seem to find it.  When all three kids are crying, the kitchen is full of dirty dishes, and the floor full of crumbs, when there is nothing but the smell of shit in the air, and tempers are about to blow a gasket, he is the one that pipes up with something hilarious to say and we can share a laugh together then tackle the next pressing thing TOGETHER.  He's there.  He's here and he is better at helping me be the best me than anyone else on the face of this earth without a single word.  He's my rock when the waves of reality seem too strong.  He's my dream and so much more that I get to actually play out instead of carry around. 

As the night went on Waylon was asleep on the love seat and Wyatt moved to my side. I enjoyed the movie and my company. I felt every bit of excitement Wyatt felt for the movie we were watching and couldn't help scanning the room and taking inventory of its belongings frequently.  I thanked God for blessing me with such a beautiful life and the beautiful people to fill it. 

What's in a dream?

I am an avid dreamer.  I often have several dreams a night every night.  Most of the time they don't make any sense at all.  They are all sorts of weird like snakes covering my front yard.  I have a big front yard!  Dale can attest to how weird they are.  He asked me to stop sharing them because he was really starting to get concerned that my mind could think that crazy!  I use to have a dream about a witch that would chase me around this fire department.  The place wasn't familiar to me at all, but it is the only reoccurring dream I can remember having.  One thing I find really strange about all of this is that I never dream about my babies when I am pregnant with them.  I know a lot of people do and Dale has, but I haven't and I don't really understand why.

I recently had a dream about my boys and one of my nephews.  I don't know which one it was, but for some reason I think it was my brother's son.  They were on the pond in their special fishing boat.  I assumed they were much older based on the fact that they had their own fishing accessories.  They were also on some pond I didn't recognize.  If it was a dream about my family it should have been on our pond or my parent's but it wasn't.  The dream was short, but spoke a ton.  They had been gone awhile so we went to get them. Their boat was there in the water, but the boys were nowhere to be found.  I think my mind went to the worst and fortunately ended the dream. 

Another dream I recently had in all of these changing things in my life was a tornado dream.  I was in some grassy patch with a lot of other people I didn't know.  Seemed like it was my old college campus, but we were outside and the storm hit.  We tried to hang onto routes in a ditch, but the tornado picked me up and I smiled as I left the ground.  I remember thinking in my dream that I didn't know where this was taking me, but I'm for sure to land somewhere.  All the while the smile was still planted on my face.  It was the most chaotically (is that a word) peaceful feeling I have had.  I can only think that it was a message to state things are beyond crazy right now.  I don't know what the future holds or how we are going to get there, but we will be ok because there is something higher in control and I will hold on and trust the fact that He is carrying us down His path.  No matter how twisted and out of control it feels, we have to trust it will all be ok. 

That leads me to a dream I had last night.  Again, parts of it don't make sense what-so-ever!  We were in my grandma's house.  A house I hadn't been to in years besides the short drive-by Dale and I did this summer.  The time frame seemed to be a week or two post surgery.  I was sitting on the floor where my grandpa's recliner used to be and Bill was STANDING at the other side of the living room.  He walked past me to get to the kitchen.  I thought nothing of it until he came back and stood in the same place he had been before.  I checked myself and then asked him aloud, "Did you just walk by me to the kitchen?"  "Yep!" he answered.  He walked better than he did before the accident.  At that point almost like an out of body experience (only I have never had one) I had an overwhelming feeling of things were ok and that things are going to work out. 

So how do I we go on?  How do I we keep up our normal lives and throw 3 hour trips one way on the weekends and some still during the week into our lives?  How do we still make sure our boy's lives aren't on hold while we just get through the tough parts?  How do we make sure our friends and other family isn't neglected or that our marriage stays on track? Because it is what we feel lead to do.  It is what feels like needs to be done and how are we not exhausted and falling over yelling have mercy?  Because that is what families do and because someone has a hand underneath us guiding us along our way.  The devil is creeping in here and there and we have to recognize that fact that his work is trying to create hurt and separation between some, but it isn't going to happen if we recognize it and trust that God is fighting even harder than we are at fulfilling His plan. 

You all know your prayers mean the world to all of us and that they are working.  The proof is above.  Please keep them coming.