10:56pm – the time I finally got into bed. My head on my pillow and my mind trying to relax every muscle in my neck. I’ve been waking up stiff in my neck the last few days. I think I have an issue with having something tense on my body at all times no matter how I’m really feeling. I went to bed feeling disconnected to my husband. Nothing big going on. We aren’t fighting, just in that weird place of being distant. He’s been dealing with something, I’d rather not go into the details, but could you say a prayer for him? It is nothing to be worried about, but something that is really weighing on him. I don’t mean to be vague, but it isn’t my place to go there, so pray instead, would you?
I drifted off to sleep. Before I knew it I was on a beach with all of my guys. We were smiling and laughing. Running in and out of the water and watching the waves roll in slowly. Behind me I kept glancing as big ferocious waves kept closing the gap between the calm and where our family was enjoying the day. We shared worried looks with the people around us. Soon the waves were connecting and panic set in. There was a bit of time I saw nothing. Black. Dark. Silent.
People stared at us as we walked toward our car drenched in street clothes. I looked over at Dale and saw 2 heads at the very bottom of my vision. More panic set in as I counted again 1, 2, thank God there is 3. Dale walked ahead as he put one in the car and I stood there and broke down holding one and grasping the hand of the other. I looked up and saw Dale in the car after he strapped the other one in. He sat in the backseat with his head resting in his hands.
11:16pm – the time I woke up shaking and sweating from the movie my mind just created. I finally figured out that the release was because we just survived.
I often dream about crashing waves. Big, huge, scary, and damaging waves. From what I can figure out these come when I feel helpless about a situation. I feel out of control and lacking in answers. Especially when I desperately want to do something, anything to change the situation.
But, what these dreams tell me as my family is always there and complete before and after the waves is that we are going through something extremely difficult and stressful. A situation where we have no answers, no light, no clue about what next steps to take. Our hands just slipped past the knot and we ran out of rope. Times when we have absolutely nothing we can do besides release ourselves, ride the waves, and rest in the fact that someone else is controlling whether or not we make it out together. Whether we survive. We have to trust what seems to be the black, dark, and silent no matter how scary. We have to know that is when He is at work and trust the road that He has paved even when we can’t see past the turn just ahead.
I really hate to be vague and I know that we will be just fine. There is no looming divorce, split up, major health issues, lost jobs, etc. Please don’t let your mind go crazy, but just pray for us instead, Dale especially and completely unrelated, Wyatt as well.
Thank you, my friends!
Showing posts with label faith. Show all posts
Showing posts with label faith. Show all posts
Monday, February 11, 2013
Monday, November 12, 2012
Get Your Stuff Together. I'm Right Here.
This weekend we didn't have any plans. I have begun to hate grocery shopping on a Saturday night. So, I inconvenienced Dale with Friday night shopping instead. That left our Saturday wide open. My morning runs back just for me. I took advantage of it and hit the trail in the awesome morning weather and it paid off big time. I wrote the experience on my phone while we did some running around Saturday morning for Dale...
***
The first mile always feels like crap. My legs are heavy, it's hard to find the right rhythm and the right pace, and the phlegm attacks. My first long run (6 miles) in a while. It was a beautiful day. There's just something about being on that trail vs the road where I can really connect and deal with myself. Crap that I need to deal with.
Around the second mile I really started having a multi-personality experience asking myself all sorts of deep questions like where my insecurity and self sabotage comes from. I was working through some deep stuff that I haven't gotten real about with myself in probably ever. I realized I do it because I want to be great but not the greatest. I work my tail off to get there and then I don't do what it takes to put myself on top. I do this in every aspect of my life except with being a mom. I'm scared. Afraid that I'll get there and fail, people will talk about me, blame me, I would have too much responsibility that I feel I couldn't handle. I would be acting like something I'm just not.
At work it is all about people thinking that I don't know what I'm doing. I have to realize I got to where I am because I figured out what I was doing and was good at it. I can't rely on that carrying me for the rest of my career. There are always going to be times I don't know what I'm doing. I'll either figure it out, ask for help, and move on.
In a way I'm intimidated. There aren't many women in management in my department. I deal with a lot of men. Too many times I go unheard because of my own insecurities. Which is sabotaging my own career. I'm there for a reason and I have to remember that. And I'm completely capable of holding my own, which I've proved time and time again.
At the three mile mark I stopped running. I asked myself why I was stopping and the immediate answer was because God was stopping me. I stood there on the left side of the trail alone with my head cocked up facing the sun just above the trees. Warm, not tired, sweating. I put my hands on my hips as the sun shined in my face so bright I could barely open my eyes.
"Get your stuff together. I'm right here."
It brings tears to my eyes so much so that I have to take a break.
I stood there quiet and just tried to listen. To soak it in. You're right here right now for a reason. What is it? To find my strength. Where? In you. Quit holding back. Live your life without holding back in fear.
The sun was shaded and He turned my feet around. With Him at my back I finished the other three miles refreshed. Like I forgot I was running. Lighten my steps here on this trail and in my life. Give it to him.
And that, my friends, is why I run. It's so much more than running. Three miles of junk being worked out through some tough conversations with myself/with God. What a load off.
The journey sucks a lot of the time, but you keep working, keep reaching for beyond life moments such as these.... man, there aren't many times in life where you get that surreal feeling. It doesn't come every time. It doesn't come often. For me only a couple of times, but WOW!
There isn't one specific thing I'm dealing with. I'm in an ebb stage of life right now, not at my best, but pushing for it and there are some truly dear friends of mine that are hurting deeply and I hurt for them. God gave me a clear message today that He is here and in charge and has things under control. I just have to trust that. Some way, some how He takes these shitty situations and works them out in ways where we find the blessings.
Physically today's run was not one of my best, but spiritually it is at the top of the list. I'll take that over physical performance any day.
***
God gave me another sign this weekend that He is in control and that He will provide when we are in need. I've spent months thinking He was too silent. Didn't seem to be there. Didn't seem to care about us not knowing what next steps to take. One piece of mail that sat on the entry way bench for about a month unopened and untouched because I thought it was just another piece of junk mail. Isn't it funny that the day I heard His message loud and clear He lead me to that piece of mail that contained a little something extra to help us along in our life's journey. Amazing, isn't it?
We had an amazing day with cousins and roasting hot dogs and marshmallows again in the woods. We said goodbye to our company and every one showered. Running around the house and playing loudly. Dale sat relaxing on the deck and soon the rest of us joined him. Wrapped in our blankets enjoying one more nice Fall night and thoroughly enjoying each other. That's the kind of day to remember!
***
The first mile always feels like crap. My legs are heavy, it's hard to find the right rhythm and the right pace, and the phlegm attacks. My first long run (6 miles) in a while. It was a beautiful day. There's just something about being on that trail vs the road where I can really connect and deal with myself. Crap that I need to deal with.
Around the second mile I really started having a multi-personality experience asking myself all sorts of deep questions like where my insecurity and self sabotage comes from. I was working through some deep stuff that I haven't gotten real about with myself in probably ever. I realized I do it because I want to be great but not the greatest. I work my tail off to get there and then I don't do what it takes to put myself on top. I do this in every aspect of my life except with being a mom. I'm scared. Afraid that I'll get there and fail, people will talk about me, blame me, I would have too much responsibility that I feel I couldn't handle. I would be acting like something I'm just not.
At work it is all about people thinking that I don't know what I'm doing. I have to realize I got to where I am because I figured out what I was doing and was good at it. I can't rely on that carrying me for the rest of my career. There are always going to be times I don't know what I'm doing. I'll either figure it out, ask for help, and move on.
In a way I'm intimidated. There aren't many women in management in my department. I deal with a lot of men. Too many times I go unheard because of my own insecurities. Which is sabotaging my own career. I'm there for a reason and I have to remember that. And I'm completely capable of holding my own, which I've proved time and time again.
At the three mile mark I stopped running. I asked myself why I was stopping and the immediate answer was because God was stopping me. I stood there on the left side of the trail alone with my head cocked up facing the sun just above the trees. Warm, not tired, sweating. I put my hands on my hips as the sun shined in my face so bright I could barely open my eyes.
"Get your stuff together. I'm right here."
It brings tears to my eyes so much so that I have to take a break.
I stood there quiet and just tried to listen. To soak it in. You're right here right now for a reason. What is it? To find my strength. Where? In you. Quit holding back. Live your life without holding back in fear.
The sun was shaded and He turned my feet around. With Him at my back I finished the other three miles refreshed. Like I forgot I was running. Lighten my steps here on this trail and in my life. Give it to him.
And that, my friends, is why I run. It's so much more than running. Three miles of junk being worked out through some tough conversations with myself/with God. What a load off.
The journey sucks a lot of the time, but you keep working, keep reaching for beyond life moments such as these.... man, there aren't many times in life where you get that surreal feeling. It doesn't come every time. It doesn't come often. For me only a couple of times, but WOW!
There isn't one specific thing I'm dealing with. I'm in an ebb stage of life right now, not at my best, but pushing for it and there are some truly dear friends of mine that are hurting deeply and I hurt for them. God gave me a clear message today that He is here and in charge and has things under control. I just have to trust that. Some way, some how He takes these shitty situations and works them out in ways where we find the blessings.
Physically today's run was not one of my best, but spiritually it is at the top of the list. I'll take that over physical performance any day.
***
God gave me another sign this weekend that He is in control and that He will provide when we are in need. I've spent months thinking He was too silent. Didn't seem to be there. Didn't seem to care about us not knowing what next steps to take. One piece of mail that sat on the entry way bench for about a month unopened and untouched because I thought it was just another piece of junk mail. Isn't it funny that the day I heard His message loud and clear He lead me to that piece of mail that contained a little something extra to help us along in our life's journey. Amazing, isn't it?
We had an amazing day with cousins and roasting hot dogs and marshmallows again in the woods. We said goodbye to our company and every one showered. Running around the house and playing loudly. Dale sat relaxing on the deck and soon the rest of us joined him. Wrapped in our blankets enjoying one more nice Fall night and thoroughly enjoying each other. That's the kind of day to remember!
Friday, September 28, 2012
STILL So Much A Part Of Us
A time
A place
A smell
A trigger
A memory
A feeling
I washed my hands in an unfamiliar bathroom. The soap foamed between my fingers and bubbles dripped into the sink. The aroma of the soap made its way to my brain and immediately I was in a familiar but uneasy place. My heart was heavy. My thoughts numb. I was pregnant.
It took me back to that bathroom in the hospital where we spent precious time trying to hold on to hope and hold on to ourselves as our lives were drastically being changed. Being strong in a small room filled with machines, hard cold floors, his whispering voice, and a muted tv. He tried to enjoy us. We didn’t care as long as our time was with him.
How’d we ever make it through?
We spent hours driving. Most of the time not talking. Alone with our thoughts but together in our hurt.
I see your old truck drive up to the neighbor’s house and park behind their lives. My eyes immediately want to glare. How dare you remind me. How dare you trigger such pain in our past.
There are days, usually on Sundays when I still have to remind myself that your truck isn’t going to be pulling up in that driveway and that you aren’t going to walk through that door. But still some days I catch myself waiting.
Our boys are growing. You aren’t here to hear them. To see how they get along. To see how they fight. To spitefully laugh when they are being horrid little monsters. And to offer them so much crap to eat all I have the chance to do is roll my eyes as their smiles are covered in chocolate and sugary drool hangs from their chins.
I let fear slip in that they are moving on without you. Forgetting about what a great grandpa they had. One that was so completely in love and proud of them.
But then as we are driving to the baseball fields they start talking about you. Out of the clear blue sky they know your presence and how it will never leave their little minds no matter how young they were.
Waylon says he loves his grandpa and can’t wait to be with him again. Even though I heard every single word of it I asked him to say it again. I let the joy from his little face and the smile that blessed his lips as he said it sink in.
They talk about you without pain in their words. They talk about you like they know they will definitely see you again. They talk about you with such a “this is temporary” kind of an attitude. And you know how much that makes my heart sing.
The simple minds of a child and they get it. We have not done the best jobs in teaching and living. We could do so much better and yet they seem to 100% get it.
They play in your trucks and engulf their imaginations in your legacy. They are their happiest there.
Weston was too young. How could he remember you? But then he is drawn to older men that resemble you. He threw a screaming fit until grandma took him to a picture of you holding your first grandson’s infant feet just yesterday. Only one of your hands was showing, but he HAD to go to that picture. He had to touch your hand. And he wasn’t satisfied until his tiny finger pressed firmly on that glass. He looked over his shoulder with a smile on his face as he touched it. Looking grandma in the eyes like he knew those hands were special. Those hands were a part of him. Touching them and calling out “hands” over and over again made him proud.
Everyone else went along with their business and chatting as I sat there almost as if it all happened in slow motion. I don’t know if anyone noticed. I don’t know if anyone else sketched that moment in their minds to remember forever. I don’t know if they got the symbolism, but I got it. It touched me and it is a simple moment that I won’t soon forget. It’s the little things that I can file away that remind me. That keep you alive in our hearts until one day when we don’t need the file anymore.
It’s amazing. It’s hopeful. It fills my heart with joy that we can go on here while you’re there and you are still so much a part of US.
A place
A smell
A trigger
A memory
A feeling
I washed my hands in an unfamiliar bathroom. The soap foamed between my fingers and bubbles dripped into the sink. The aroma of the soap made its way to my brain and immediately I was in a familiar but uneasy place. My heart was heavy. My thoughts numb. I was pregnant.
It took me back to that bathroom in the hospital where we spent precious time trying to hold on to hope and hold on to ourselves as our lives were drastically being changed. Being strong in a small room filled with machines, hard cold floors, his whispering voice, and a muted tv. He tried to enjoy us. We didn’t care as long as our time was with him.
How’d we ever make it through?
We spent hours driving. Most of the time not talking. Alone with our thoughts but together in our hurt.
I see your old truck drive up to the neighbor’s house and park behind their lives. My eyes immediately want to glare. How dare you remind me. How dare you trigger such pain in our past.
There are days, usually on Sundays when I still have to remind myself that your truck isn’t going to be pulling up in that driveway and that you aren’t going to walk through that door. But still some days I catch myself waiting.
Our boys are growing. You aren’t here to hear them. To see how they get along. To see how they fight. To spitefully laugh when they are being horrid little monsters. And to offer them so much crap to eat all I have the chance to do is roll my eyes as their smiles are covered in chocolate and sugary drool hangs from their chins.
I let fear slip in that they are moving on without you. Forgetting about what a great grandpa they had. One that was so completely in love and proud of them.
But then as we are driving to the baseball fields they start talking about you. Out of the clear blue sky they know your presence and how it will never leave their little minds no matter how young they were.
Waylon says he loves his grandpa and can’t wait to be with him again. Even though I heard every single word of it I asked him to say it again. I let the joy from his little face and the smile that blessed his lips as he said it sink in.
They talk about you without pain in their words. They talk about you like they know they will definitely see you again. They talk about you with such a “this is temporary” kind of an attitude. And you know how much that makes my heart sing.
The simple minds of a child and they get it. We have not done the best jobs in teaching and living. We could do so much better and yet they seem to 100% get it.
They play in your trucks and engulf their imaginations in your legacy. They are their happiest there.
Weston was too young. How could he remember you? But then he is drawn to older men that resemble you. He threw a screaming fit until grandma took him to a picture of you holding your first grandson’s infant feet just yesterday. Only one of your hands was showing, but he HAD to go to that picture. He had to touch your hand. And he wasn’t satisfied until his tiny finger pressed firmly on that glass. He looked over his shoulder with a smile on his face as he touched it. Looking grandma in the eyes like he knew those hands were special. Those hands were a part of him. Touching them and calling out “hands” over and over again made him proud.
Everyone else went along with their business and chatting as I sat there almost as if it all happened in slow motion. I don’t know if anyone noticed. I don’t know if anyone else sketched that moment in their minds to remember forever. I don’t know if they got the symbolism, but I got it. It touched me and it is a simple moment that I won’t soon forget. It’s the little things that I can file away that remind me. That keep you alive in our hearts until one day when we don’t need the file anymore.
It’s amazing. It’s hopeful. It fills my heart with joy that we can go on here while you’re there and you are still so much a part of US.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
LinkWithin
