Worldly Goodbyes

In times of loss you do a lot of thinking. 

A lot of what does this mean for me questions. 

A lot of reevaluating where you are and where you want to be inquisitions.

A lot about the ones you lose and the time you have left with the ones you still have.

There's one for sure thing about it, we I am not in control of it. 

******
We got news.  Some of the hardest to hear.  It's been over a year.  The rain came down, heavy, flooding, blinding rain.  The kind of rain that washes the familiar away and makes room for new ways to become familiar.

There was a checklist of things to accomplish before strapping our seat belts. 

• Take the dogs to Jay
• Get the boys to my brother
• Lock the house
• Call Dale.

Call Dale.

Is he ok?  Where are we going?  Where will we sleep?  Questions that in the bigger picture didn't matter.  We'd figure it out when we got there. 

As the windshield wipers gave the calming affect of something constant, predictable we navigated our way with dim, rain filtered light.  It should have been three hours there.  What we had to face, unknown. The months ahead of us some of the hardest we would face.

******

Here we are today coming up on the anniversary of my father-in-law's passing.  We have come back to that new familiar place of grief, sadness, loss, questions, unknowns, remorse once again. 

A message, a phone call.  Hearing words of another one close to us passing just yesterday.  Finding myself at one moment in peace and at another the burn of emotion traveling along the front of my forehead and down into my tear ducts, even putting pressure in my ears and a lump in my throat.  Sometimes my head spinning with where I think my mind should be instead of the calm I find myself in.  death again in such a brittle time. I should be a mess.

******

"Take the dogs to Jay"  My mind goes there at that time in the pouring rain where I hiked my pant legs up and maneuvered my expecting body through the drops that pounded atop my head.  There he stood, all six plus some feet of him, never minding the cold wet rain as much as I did. 

"Hey hon!  Give me that stuff, I'll take care of it." 

His strong, massive hand relieving the dog food, leash, and bowls from mine. 

"You want some pizza?"

My mind too distracted to eat and my body too anxious to get to where I needed to be. 

"Tell them all we're thinking about them.  Bill is a good man.  I'm so sorry this has happened"

His condolences passed through his lips as his arm embraced my shoulders. 

******

This is how I remember Jay.  Always being there for us.  His sweet card when we experienced our miscarriage.  His help and advice when building our house.  The countless hours he spent building two houses for our family.  Every birthday, every holiday, a familiar face at my parent's house.  A life long best friend, a brother, an uncle.  A gentle giant. 

As he sat there at the head of my parent's table that Christmas morning before the chaos of the day began I knew something was different.  His large frame not as full as it had been months before.  We made our usual jabs.  We awed over the book of his grandbabies.  I shared my excitement around the Chief's game we attended the day before.  Something he loved.  I wish I would have hugged him.  Told him goodbye in a much deeper way.  Told him just how much I appreciated all the times he had been there.  But that was Jay.  The Jay we knew didn't like attention on himself, he didn't even like birthday celebrations in his honor.  He would have been damned if I would have gushed over him in that moment. Joking away my questions about the weight he had lost. We spent it just as he would have liked, talking about the things he enjoyed, he loved with some of the people he loved.

See ya later, Jay...

A long thankful night

102.1

Your cheeks are flush and you feel like a little heater against my skin. I put you down knowing it's going to be a long night.

My heart is heavy with news of a mommy who had to return her baby to Jesus. She had to witness her only son go through unthinkable pain and yet I lay here with three happy, healthy boys just down the hall.

Not an hour passed and I hear your cry. The usual reassurance and tucking you in just wasn't working this time. I cuddle your body next to mine as you share my pillow. Your tired hands gently rub your soft blanket against your face. You're back to sleep but my finger continues to rub your shoulder and down the side of your back.

My mind goes back to that mommy who held her son as he took his last peaceful breaths. I don't know why, but I tried to imagine just what that would feel like. What must she have felt?

Quickly I learned that pain wasn't for me. My heart breaks for her but I couldn't quite shed a tear. In a way I feel the guilt. Then quickly praise God that He hasn't given that to me. I pray that the pain she feels is never meant for me. That He protects my heart. I praise God that I got a day full of family; laughter, slow, wobbly, and concentrated steps meant just for me, of kisses and hugs, of peek-a-boos and where are yous. A day of can we cuddle, will you carry mes and I love yous. A day with daddy and sons.

It was a long night, one that I'm sure we will still be trying to recover from all week, but it was another night that I praise God for as He continues to let me keep my sons.

I also pray for that family who lost this amazing child and for every parent out there that has felt this pain.

PYHO: Carefree and Happy

I just couldn't go there this year. Oct 15, National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance day. Usually I write something.  Usually I make sure others around me have the little reminder. 

I just couldn't do it this year.The heartache we've felt this year. The disruption in our family life in almost every single aspect. The birth of your youngest baby brother.

That doesn't mean I've forgotten. That doesn't mean I still wonder about the child you would be. Were you my baby girl?  The one I see in my dreams. The blonde hair. The big blue eyes. Are your eyelashes as long as your brother's?  The tan toddler arms that run into a little chubby roll just before your soothing hands. Would you like school as much as your big brother does?  Oh what I wouldn't give to see you with him. 

You are the one I see with the sunlight glowing through your hair. Your smiling face peaks over your shoulder while you run from us carefree and happy. You're not physically here. I can't feel your physical touch. Your loving kisses and tight hugs. But you are the deepest part of me. The one that makes me dig to find myself the one that gives me assurance that my worries have no merit.

A glance at a quilt.  The reminder of the shirt that hangs in my closet.  The thoughts of the day we heard the news.  The emotions; the pain, the guilt, the tears.

But I see you.  There in my dreams.  I still feel you when I allow myself to go there.  I see your painted nails around your daddy's neck while your glimmering ear touches his.  I hear your whispers when I get overwhelmed and lose perspective.  It could all be taken away. 

You remain perfect.  Untouched.  Happy.  Pure.  You remain in my heart.  You know an existence far greater than we can even comprehend. 

And yet I find myself going there anyway.  It's important.  It hurts.  It brings back emotions I have buried.  But I have to.  I have to feel that pain, remember the jumps for joy when we announced you were coming and the news that it wouldn't be. I have to let it run through my veins in hopes I will never forget.  Never let you down. 

In hopes to be a mommy you would be proud to claim even amongst the company you keep. 

She was 29

and she is gone.  My cousin who I spent my childhood with is gone.  I'm now left to question why we grew apart.  Why we didn't keep the relationship up?  Why didn't we rekindle it when we had the chance?  We were supposed to celebrate her 30th birthday at my parent's house Saturday, but she's gone.  She is gone. 

Life is too short.  Things are taken for granted.  People aren't given the attention they need.  They fight a solo fight and then they are gone.  With a 7 year old daughter and a family full of broken hearts we pick up the pieces and figure out how to go on and what to learn from it all.  We are left shocked, knots in our stomachs, tear stained cheeks, and a lumps in our throats.

She was sick and wasn't dealt a very good hand at life, but she mattered and we cared and she was still taken too soon.  Way too soon.  I come away from today with more respect for her and her mother.  They fought a fight none of us realized the depth of.  None of us.  I feel guilty for that.  For not knowing all of what they were dealing with on a daily basis for years.  Constant battles over insurance and medical care.  It shouldn't be that hard to save your child.  No one should have to fight like that to get much needed medical care or for someone to even hear your story and listen to your concerns and be taken seriously.

She didn't look sick.  She had a great day yesterday.  She wasn't supposed to go yet.  Her mother wasn't supposed to be making the calls and the arrangements she was today.  We were all expecting at least another year.  God has a plan here and even though there is still a huge fight to fight now God is in control of the situation.  I can only hope and pray that God wraps his hands around this 7 year old girl who already knows too much about life and grows her into a strong successful women who is loved, supported, heard, and well cared for. 

So, Lesley Harmon, we will celebrate your 30th birthday at mom and dad's just as you wanted.  You with your beautiful smile and that long black hair will be missed.  With all of your family and friends we will be there to celebrate you.  WE CARED, Les and we love you!  Your fight and pain are over.  Rest in peace.

Today is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day

October is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month, and today, October 15th in particular, is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. Won't you please take a moment to pray for families all over the world who have experienced/are experiencing the loss of a child in some way. This is a very difficult thing to go through. I have been through the experience personally and have been a resource for some close to me who have also experienced a miscarriage as I have mentioned below. IT IS THE WORST THING I HAVE GONE THROUGH in my short life. Love and support, hugs, an offer for prayer, calling, emailing, just being by my side, asking questions, listening - those are the things that lifted me up. Knowing someone cared enough to call or email or just hug me as I walked in the door - those are the things that mattered to me. You don't have to try to make them feel better, or offer some sort of reasoning, or worry about saying the right thing, or be afraid to see some tears. Just let them know you care, don't ignore it, don't act like you can't say anything to them, don't avoid them. And please remember not only the mommies, but the daddies, and the grandparents, and aunts, and uncles - they hurt too.

Say a prayer for those families today!

God has answered my prayers...

When I was little I had a constant prayer and for years, that prayer has gone unanswered. Throughout my life, I have had difficult times and some really, really great times. I know that there are things I went through in my life to make me who I am today and appreciate this life I live. I am a Christian, but I have a lot of work to do yet. I'm still learning. What I have learned, however, is that I am on borrowed time and the time I do have here is God's and it is His plan. He reminded me of the fact that I was not in control of what comes and goes and the timing of it all. I thought I knew what I was doing, I thought I knew who I was, I thought I knew what my future held, I thought I knew God. When we had our miscarriage all of this slapped me in the face and picked me firmly up and put me back in my place. What on earth for?

After this happened and I was going through the stages of grief, I finally came to acceptance and my constant question to God was, what am I suppose to do with this? What do you need me to do with the experience of this situation? For me and my faith, that was a HUGE step. I could have easily turned away feeling betrayed and angry and at times I honestly did feel that way, but I knew there was something bigger He was using me for and I hope there still is. I'm sure I still don't know the complete answer, but God has given me some special gifts along the way. A deeper level of faith, a deeper level of love - one that you can actually physically feel in your heart, a deeper connection with my husband, even more affection for my son, a better relationship with my family, a very special and renewed relationship with some friends, a comfort for some that have gone through a similar experience, a greater appreciation for my life, an angel in Heaven waiting for all of us. I never got to hold my baby, name my baby, kiss my baby, feel my baby's new soft skin, or see the dream I had for my baby play out, but I will see this baby in Heaven.

God has answered my little prayers along the way. Even the ones that I felt went unanswered for YEARS, but He has answered them and of course not in the manner I would have expected, but he has answered them none-the-less. We are on God's time and plan, not our own. That is a lesson I will never forget.

A Life Changing Experience - It's a LONG one...

Update:  I'm reposting this one just for the timing of it all.  It's been about 4 years since this has happened.  It never hurts to look back with a new perspective.  I'm also going to link this post up.  Maybe it will give someone else out there a little glimpse of hope in the middle of a life changing event.



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When Wyatt was about to turn a year old, Dale and I decided it was time to try for another child to add to the family. Surprisingly to us, we were successful the first time. That was a huge difference in past experience! We were really excited. I decided that I would go through this pregnancy with my mom and sister by my side so they could have that experience. So, we talked about the heartbeat appointment at 12 weeks. Everyone was so excited to start this journey. It was going to be a girls day plus one. Mom picked Wyatt up early from the baby sitter so he could join us. Something I was a little nervous about, but I had 2 other people to help me if he decided to be demanding.

We all met at the dr's office, went upstairs, everyone was excited to hear this amazing little heart beat. After normal office visit stuff, it was time. I laid down on the bed, the dr got the doppler and she tried to find what we were waiting for. She couldn't find it. With no expression on her face, she says she can't find it, don't worry, we might just be off on your dates. I'm going to get you in to the ultrasound room. I KNEW I was not off on my dates. We got pregnant as soon as we got back from vacation. Being on your period on vacation is always a memorable experience, right?! It didn't hit me, Wyatt was a good distraction for me, but I could see the worry on my sister and mom's faces even though they didn't say anything. I still refused to admit what I was about to hear. I hadn't had any worries, I hadn't had any pains, I hadn't had any bleeding, I physically already looked pregnant. There has got to be a different answer. So we got into the ultrasound room, everyone present and proceeded to get some answers.

This is the time Wyatt started getting demanding. He did not want me laying on that bed without him. This was before Wyatt discovered his snugly side. He was not one to snuggle at this point. So, we found a way for him to lay with me and to have the ultrasound. The tech said at one time to have him be really still because she was looking for the heartbeat. After some looking, it wasn't there. There was a perfect looking baby at 12 weeks in my stomach missing the most important thing, the heart beat. The tech turned to me and said, "Do you want me to tell you what I see, or would you like to wait for your doctor?" She didn't have to say anything else. I knew what was happening and I knew at that time that this dream was over. I couldn't do anything but lay there and cry while Wyatt laid on my chest squeezing me with the tightest hug he has ever given me to that point. I can't describe to you that feeling. How does this 1 year old little boy know how to hold his mommy when she needed it the most? The tech gave me a second to compose myself and told me that there was a perfectly healthy looking baby but the baby just doesn't have a heart beat. She said the baby was measuring about 11 and 1/2 weeks.

And she asked if I would like a picture. I didn't know what to say or how to handle my feelings. She said it would be in my file if I ever changed my mind. I have never gotten the picture, I don't need it. That picture of my baby on the monitor is what is in my mind and I will never forget it. The baby was beautiful! That small little thing with a plump little belly.

We get our thoughts together, I got dressed and went back to the other room for a discussion with my dr. What in the heck am I supposed to ask, what am I supposed to do, how do you expect me to hear anything out of anyone's mouths? This is not what we came in here for. We were supposed to hear a heart beat, celebrate and then go out for ice cream. What is going on, is all I could think about and how this is a complete nightmare, that I have lost my baby. Wyatt has lost his sibling which I was dying to see him with.

The dr gave me some next steps. I was supposed to wait and see if I pass the baby and if not by the end of the week I would have to go in for a DNR. At this point I just want to say how much I love my doctors and nurses. They are so kind and sincere. My nurse called me the next morning to see how I was doing and answer more questions of mine. That helped a lot.

As I was following my mom home, of course I was crying uncontrollably. She was on the phone with my mother-in-law and Dale's grandma. When we got to the house, Dale's grandma and aunt were there. I love them dearly already. Rhonda, Dale's aunt, lost 2 babies. One was still born. Her being there meant the world to me. This whole time, I couldn't get a hold of Dale. He is a coach, if you don't know, and never answers his phone. He was late getting home that night and wondered why there were so many cars in our driveway when he got home. As soon as he walked in, I couldn't control myself once again. I tried to tell him. He was getting really worried and pissed because he didn't know what happened. Dale's aunt finally had to tell him and he just stood there and cried. I have seen this man cry 2 times in my life. This hurt so bad and still does. He wanted answers just like the rest of us. But, no one had any.

I have never written or described step by step details of this day before and doing so, puts me right back into that day 2 years ago. I don't remember dates well, birthday's and anniversary's mainly. I chose to not associate this date with this experience so the exact dates of the dr's appointment and the DNR are just another day for me, but the experience is surely not forgotten. When I was going through this I thought about burning the outfit I was wearing and completely detesting anything and everything about that day, but I decided not to and that it wouldn't change a single thing. It wouldn't bring life back to that baby. I chose to go the other direction. I can tell you what shirt I was wearing that day and I have struggled putting it on after this, but I did it and it felt like a victory. I don't need a shirt or a date or a smell or anything else to take me back there to remember. Remembering is not something you can do with a moment that is burnt into your mind and is a part of you like this. I don't "remember" to go to work everyday and I don't "remember" to get dressed everyday, just as I don't "remember" to remember my baby everyday. I still, HONESTLY, think of this experience in one way or another EVERY SINGLE DAY of my life, it's not a question of remembering.

I have had traumatic things happen in my life before, my brother's motorcycle accident when Dale and I were on our honeymoon, my mom and dad's house burning to the ground and them losing everything, narrowly escaping at 4 in the morning, and my brother's other nearly fatal accident. But, this, this shook my world more than anything I have ever, ever experienced. This completely changed me. The type of mom I am, wife, friend, daughter, sister, co-worker - all of it, it changed me. I don't know why this happened, someday I will, but not now.

Until I will, I have to live this life and I am determined to do the best I can. 4, yes, 4 of my close friends from different aspects of my life had miscarriages within the same year after we experienced ours. They truly helped me through this process as I tried to be there for them. Today, all of us have had or getting ready to have another child. I love these girls to death and I wouldn't have ever gotten to this higher level of friendship without the experience. I am closer to God, my husband, sons, family, friends, etc. than I ever was. My love for them is deeper than I can explain.  I am thankful for that. God truly knows more than I do and I trust that my precious, PERFECT baby is lying in his hands waiting for the rest of us, never having to experience grief and some of the awful things this world has to offer at times.