What I Do With My Excuses

My last post listed a bunch of excuses that I used to use before I finally just MADE A DECISION to be healthy and LIVE life. To go a step further for some of you that need an extra push to help you make that decision for yourself, I’m going to list things here to tell you what I actually do to make it work.


First of all and probably the most important thing you could take away from this ENTIRE post is this: Believe in yourself! Make a decision FOR YOURSELF that you want to be healthy and get the most out of life. You CAN’T be successful in this if you don’t take that first step.

Second, know that it is going to be a difficult road full of sharp turns, huge mountains, small bunny slopes, and smooth goings. There will be days where your drive and determination could conquer the world and shoot you to the moon and there will be days when you question why the heck you are doing this to yourself and you won’t want to get off the couch or out of that bed. You will find HIGH highs and LOW lows. You will motivate people and some will look at you like you just stepped off of some kind of alien space ship and wish you would shut the heck up.

I can’t actually conquer the world, but I can put my ripple in the water and soon that ripple becomes a huge monstrous wave with a force no one can stop. I might motivate you, you get moving, you might motivate your neighbor or that (harmless) facebook stalker you never knew you had, they get movin, they motivate someone else, they move, then they motivate someone else, and they move, and then on, and on, and on and on. To go to races and see hundreds, thousands even, lining up to run miles?! That’s a movement, people. And there are kids at the starting line and on the side lines. These kids are watching, learning, forming WAYS in their minds on how to be an adult. On how to LIVE your life. On the meaning of hard work and satisfaction.

What I’ve found? The lows make my highs HIGHER. Sometimes I even welcome them as a way to check myself and not let my head get too big. Like right now as I had “before” pics done yesterday. I’m in shape, thought I was pretty happy with my composition, but then I looked at the pictures and I wanted to say gross. But, I have to tell myself that those pictures are motivation to keep doing what I’m doing. Keep forming and sculpting (with a lot of help) until I like what I see and can be proud of those before, progress, and here on after pictures.

Perfection is not a goal of mine. I know I will never reach perfection until I enter those golden gates, but being happy with what I’m doing and the results of it all is what I’m striving for. And when I say results I mean way more than the physical make up of my body. It is a full package I’m shooting for: mind, body, home life, as a Christian, wife, mother, daughter, sister, friend. I want to BALANCE and I want to be happy with it all the majority of the time. I’m well on my way, but I know the lows and the hard times will come again in one area or another and I want to be ready for them. I truly am training for LIFE as well as what comes after.

So, with all of that said, here is what I do.

• I have devotionals sent to my inbox. I take time to read them every day as my day is starting. I have 2 different ones: She Reads Truth/YouVersion and Daily Hope with Rick Warren. I take time to read these and jot down a few notes from them that spoke to me. I like to write a specific prayer after the note. I have gotten behind on the notes a bit, but I make sure to read every day. This only takes a few minutes and I usually break up the time when I need a break from work. I pray and praise as much as I can sporadically throughout the day.

• I EAT BREAKFAST every single day and a glass of water. I do this on my way to work. I fix wheat toast or oatmeal, sometimes eggs, and eat them on the go. I have a long drive to work so I have to be as efficient as possible.

• In the car I switched my radio stations from regular talk show stuff over to a Christian channel which fills me every day. I REALLY enjoy that time listening to sermons. Most of the time they are preaching about living life, how to come out of struggles, and how to find God’s will in it all. Right up my alley! A few years ago, this same Christian station got me through some dark times right after my brother was in a serious accident and was struggling with a lot of things. That was one of the biggest times I really learned about my faith and I learned to love the book of Job. I got away from it for a while, but now I’m back. I don’t miss my other stations a bit.

• Work – I try to stay as focused as possible, not take things too personally, and do the best by using my mind to keep pushing forward and doing what I feel is right even if it isn’t the popular decision.

• Lunch – Monday’s I meet my sister. I love this time in the gym and with my sister. I love redefining our relationship. The years have not always been smooth between us but I wouldn’t trade them for anything if they got us to where we are now. I’m sure we went through all of that to get right here and further. I respect what she does, she is good at it, and we are stronger than ever. Food wise – a sandwich or left-overs from dinner. I feel like I snack all day; protein bars, oranges, apples, nuts and water throughout.

• The drive home – release, relax, and listening

• Pick up the boys – 2 from the babysitter and 1 from Dale’s mom who watches him before and after the bus.

• Get dinner started, change, get the boys settled into something so they don’t destroy the house – not always successful here.

• Once Dale gets home I hit the streets… for a run.  This pushes dinner a bit, but I would rather have a slightly late dinner vs sacrifice anymore sleep. I’ve changed my 5 – 5 1/2 hours to about 7 hours a night, which is helping tremendously!

• Dinner – I try. This one is hard. Dale is a country boy at heart that grew up on his mom and grandma’s home cooking with desert every night. He is truly a meat and potatoes kind of man. I have to try to find the balance to cook as healthy as possible and make it taste good for him as well. I’m still working hard here. Suggestions for recipes with practical healthy ingredients is always accepted. Send them to me whenever you find them, PLEASE???

• After – all I want to do is say DONE and sit down on the couch for the rest of the night, but the kitchen needs cleaned, the boys bathed (every other night unless they are really gross), homework to do, and bed time to prepare for.

• Saturday – an early run, picking up the house, vacuuming, a ton of laundry, folding clothes and putting them away, meal planning, grocery list, shopping. If we have other things to do on Saturday things get really tricky. I clean the bathrooms about once a month (toilets and the base and floor around the toilets – uh, I have 3 boys, when I can while supervising bath time.) I dust when it needs it and I have time. If I get behind on some things I will pick it up during the week. That usually means laundry. I have to mention that Dale is not absent here. He helps a ton with a lot of this stuff. I’m not working alone. He can clean a toilet like a boss!!!
• Sunday – early long runs. Church, Grandma’s, then Papa and Nae Nae’s. No time for anything else usually. A full family and soul building day.

Sometimes all of this stuff doesn’t go smoothly. Sometimes my boys have a hard time and I have to reevaluate what we are doing and make changes. I work on trying to be ok with not everything being done at one time. While all of this is going on I’m responsible for being a good wife who loves her husband completely and nurturing my boys and trying to be the mom that supports and loves them as much as they need it and more. Sometimes I truly fail, but I always try harder the next day.

• I use Facebook wisely, I think, I fill my feed with motivational stuff. Stuff that is important to me. I don’t friend everyone. I choose wisely. I don’t keep negative people. A high number of followers is not my goal.  I will delete them quickly except for a couple I just can’t let go of. I guess they aren’t too bad, but they do give me another perspective on some things. We can’t always love everyone that believes just as we do. The more I see the runners, the runner’s quotes, the girls in the gym, people asking what I did today to be healthy, etc. the more I am focused on keeping up with it.  It's hard to ignore something you are surrounded by.

I post stuff that I think is funny and I post pictures I feel could motivate others. My goal is NOT to toot my own horn, my goal is to be real and to let you know that you are capable of just as much if not more. Sure, the likes and comments feel good to me and help me keep going, but that is not my ultimate goal. To get comments and private messages about how I am motivating someone else to get up and get moving, to enjoy their lives, and make positive changes in their lives is what really makes my soul shine. I’ve built a support system that keeps me going. I’m sure the haters are coming, but so far I haven’t run into that and I’m very grateful. I’m not sure I’d care too much at this point anyway. I feel I’m doing what I need to be doing. I also use it to share other people that are doing the same in their lives.

• I make time with my friends often. These relationships are extremely important to me and now that most of us are getting our run on we are starting to do some runs together. I really can’t tell you how happy that makes me. So, proud of my girls! Our first official big run with everyone together will be in May. I haven’t mentioned it just yet, but I’m extremely excited about it.

• I learn as I go. My sister has taught me a lot lately and previously I found running blogs that I enjoy. Following fit people of Facebook, blogs, Instagram, even Twitter can be very beneficial. Most of them offer up the knowledge they have learned and will share workouts with you. If you don’t know a move YouTube it. You’ll catch on. Just yesterday I did a new move that felt extremely awkward, but you just have to stick with it until you get the hang of it. Remember that it takes time to build up. Don’t expect to be an expert the second you step out there. We have to learn how to crawl before we walk and trust me, somedays after a good workout, crawling is all you might be able to do!

The last thing I could tell you is quit caring about what everyone else thinks. Quit obsessing over the number you see on that little scale under your feet. Go out and do what you feel is right, make good choices, and stick with it. Feel that sweat roll down the side of your temple, get your sports bra soaked, stink, and run your hands through your sweaty hair. Go with your feeling alone and learn. Make your smile and your eyes reflect the way you feel inside and out. Are you truly happy? Like deep down in your soul truly happy and living the way you want to live? No? Keep going!!!! Believe and trust in the process. Believe and trust in God. If you still don’t know what you are doing, hire my sister ; )!  There are millions of resources out there, but until you make that CHOICE to change, none of this will come together for you.  No one can do it for you and no magic pill will do it.  The SECRET IS CHOICE!

How The Sharp's Survived The 2013 "Blenders"

I'm sure everyone has heard and/or is sick of hearing about all the snow the Midwest got.  Maybe you are sick of seeing people's kids in the snow.  Too bad.  I have pretty much refrained from posting pics because I was going to put them in a nice little multi-frame format here on the blog, but then I realized how much time I DON'T have to do that. 

To summarize how long this post could be, let me just say there is a lot of freakin snow.  We did (I'm sure we will do more) a LOT of sledding and playing in it.  Below is only half of the hill.  Weston ended up going down the entire thing all by himself a few times and walking up a time or two.  

I was able to skip my in between weights workouts because of this monster hill and the high stepping I had to do to get through the snow.  Not to mention the 40, 36, and 25 pounders I had to pull together on the sled from time to time, but I just mentioned that didn't I?!  The legs and booty are feeling good.  

Hate to sound all gagish, but these days we had I don't think anyone will forget.  We had a lot of good times.  I even ended at least two of the days saying how much I freakin loved this day in my mind.  

As I mentioned... a LOT of snow!

We had two storms.  The first one Dale worked nonstop so it was just me and the boys and I put all "I have to get this done" duties to the side other than cleaning the kitchen.  I treated it like a real snow day times 3.  In the 10 years I've worked for the company I work for they have only closed the office due to weather once.  We got 3 days out of these storms and I loved every minute of it.   Wait, what? No I didn't.  Some of the moments really sucked. 

But not this one where we played with cousin Will.  Wyatt and him built their very own snowman.  Why the heck didn't I get a picture of that?  It was the cutest little thing ever.

And not these when we had fun with Grandma building a nice ole' traditional snowman.  

They love him!

I also made the boys a playroom because I was sick of the toys overrunning every single open space of our house.  So, the previous baby stuff storage closet (which is big) was converted to a play room.  I put a Pinterest inspired project to work with black electrical tape.  Wyatt said it trashed up the house and the other two about squeezed my neck off because they loved it so much.  Wyatt changed his mind once Aunt T said how much she loved it.  

Back out for more playing in the snow. 

Sucky moment of being out for 2 minutes before Weston HAD to be put down for a nap.  I am mastering the whole bundle up, unbundle chaos.  Then I came out and buried the other two for awhile to keep them out of my hair.   

KIDDING!

All in all the last few snowy days were awesome.  Waylon once said a few months back that God turned him 16 so he could go to Heaven to get a message from God himself that He makes it snow for the sole purpose of Waylon to play in it.  God has certainly been smiling down on you, Waylon.

So those sucky moments... You know it wouldn't be a Sharp post without a little bit of disgusting thrown in when I mention the boys.  I've been smacked in the side of the face with a pee filled diaper that exploded on the wall right after hitting the left side of my face, pushing my earring into the side of my head, and I cleaned up a room full of poo.  Just when I thought my boys weren't really into playing with poo I was proved wrong in a really wrong way. 

Weston picked up his poo filled diaper that an unnamed man left in the room and upon all of them being sent to that room to play because they were too rowdy decided to pick it up and spin or throw it or attach it to the ceiling fan or something!  They had locked themselves in and were trying to desperately get out at the sounds of disgusting gagging when Dale, I mean the unnamed man, went back there to check out what was going on.  About half way down the hall we were hit with the smell.  The door was opened in which the boys flooded out and there it was.  Poo all over everywhere.  On the walls, on the blinds, up by the ceiling, behind the bed, up above the closet doors, and on the carpet, but amazingly non on any little people and non on the beds.  Apparently Weston picked up the whole diaper and spun around and threw it.  Wipes full of poo hit the wall and slid down it above the bunk bed and to the floor.  We might have ourselves the best baseball player yet with the best arm because it was high and it was on all corners of that room.  The unnamed man and I spent that night before I returned to work cleaning with Clorox wipes.  Hopefully we found it all.  What a way to end my glorious snow days!  I've been working on my temper and patience and I'll have you know all I said about that was, "I'm just not going to say anything."  Huge win for me.  

I hope you all are enjoying/enjoyed the snow if you got it and if you didn't I hope you have enjoyed seeing all of everyone else's enjoyment!   

My Boys, My House, Merry Christmas

Waylon had his first ever Christmas program at Preschool.  He did awesome.  I couldn't get over how much of a teenager he looked like in his khaki cargo pants and polo shirt accessorized with a nice yellow and camo hat on the way into the church.  I love that kid beyond words.  He didn't do one motion to the music, but sang every word even when he was distracted by the girl next to him.  He is such his dad. 

He still loves school and was a little bummed not to have it today because he was going to get to go in his Chiefs jammies. 

I have to mention that both boys told me how beautiful I looked this morning in my huge winter coat and scarf and gloves.  Not sure how anyone looks beautiful that way, but the comments are always welcomed!

Our house is loud and little people jump off of stuff people shouldn't jump off of:

 I can't get a good pic of Weston for anything


Last night the boys were playing an interesting game. They love that I have the couch away from the wall and two tables behind it creating a perfect play area for them that they can keep messy and not drive me batty. Last night they were sitting on the back of the couch then sliding down to the pile of blankets below. Nothing like a good game of TOILET to get us all laughing. Who pretends like they are a turd coming out of some one's butt? Only my boys. Dale acted like he was appalled but I think he was secretly kicking himself for never playing the game himself. It was grossly hilarious. Waylon plopped and Wyatt slid smoothly. Just in case you wanted to know.

The tan is left over from the holiday party.  Waylon is the master cookie decorator!

This was at the work holiday party.

This morning's drive in was interesting.  All 3 plus hours of it.  I love the snow but I hate driving to the city in it.  I was just about to take a quick little nap on 35 when I saw a truck driver reach his hand out of his window equipped with a Gatorade bottle.  That's an interesting color of..... oh.  The guy was emptying his bottle of piss right there gloriously splashing it on my nice shiny, snow slathered car.  Posting that on Facebook kept me entertained for the next hour. 

Usually we do Santa at work and have our own little appointment and special time with him, but that bum got a real job and left us to the long lines of screaming anxious kids.  The boys (the older two) did awesome and stuck it out.  Waylon was getting a little tired but Santa and that train came just in time.  What a great day we had together last Saturday.  I was so glad to have a day where we didn't fight, get annoyed, or argue, but we just enjoyed one another.  So many families that can't do that right now. 

I'm not even close to being ready for Christmas and I don't have an ounce of worry about it.  I've already made 2 batches of cookies, which if you know me, that is big time.  I'm so ready for the time off with my family.  We have no plans but to be together and celebrate the season.

This is probably one of my favorite pictures.  Do you all ever find yourself as you are waking up from a dream and have to remind yourself that you have little kids and to really tune into the sound of their laughter and the way their feet hit the floor and how their voices hug each sound of the words that are coming out of their mouths?  I find myself doing this a lot lately.  These little guys, they are mine for now.  I get this time with them.  As Weston keeps growing that mental voice keeps screaming louder to hold on and remember as much as I can.

Merry, Merry Christmas, Ya'll!

Dinner Banter

Dale likes to eat. He’s a bigger guy, not fat, just tall and built pretty thick. He thinks that he has to have dessert or something sweet after every meal. Well, his dad had high blood pressure and cholesterol and he is known to have high blood pressure from time to time. His cholesterol was too high at the last check as well. It is no secret that we are getting older and things like medication for preventable diseases is possibly in our future. I have already made several changes to my diet and a huge change around living a healthy life a while back. Dale on the other hand is not so motivated to give up the foods that taste so good to him. He is and has always been active though. Thank goodness for that!


Lately, I’ve been trying to incorporate healthier items in our meals. One switch I thought I got away with was whole grain spaghetti. I made spaghetti last Thursday, according to Dale. I have no idea if that is right or not nor do I care. I thought it turned out just fine. I bought more whole grain spaghetti again to have ready for nights I needed an extremely quick meal. One of those nights came last night.

Dale: You know I love you, right?  You know I will always love you and that will never change, right?

Don’t melt in envy over my husband thinking he is so tremendously sweet and thoughtful just yet. This is a set-up, folks! He was carrying his plate to his seat. I didn’t answer him because I knew what was coming next. So, he repeated his words until I answered his questions.

Me: "Yes, Dale, I know you love me." Said in the most annoyed tone ever.

Dale: Ok, this is bull shit. Whole grain pasta? Don’t ever fix this again. You fixed this last Thursday and I wanted to gag, but thought I’d be nice about it thinking you would never fix it again.

Me: You didn’t say anything about not liking it. How would I know?

Dale: It is gritty and tastes like shit.

Me: You have to eat more healthy, Dale and I’m...

Dale: Eating healthy? This is not healthy. It tastes like shit and pisses me off, which raises my blood pressure and THAT is NOT healthy.

I think he was extremely proud of his reasoning.

All I can do is shake my head at the ridiculousness of his thinking.

He makes me laugh. For the record, this is normal banter in our house, ask our family and friends, it is no way abusive nor do I take offense to his lack of respect for the woman that feeds his ass.

I’ve also been brainwashing the boys to try to limit their sugar intake. Waylon now asks me how many grams of sugar are in everything I pick up. It is a good reminder. He sees me looking at labels and ingredients and knows what I’m looking for. Something I never used to pay attention to. That kid loves sweets as much as I do and will hide in his room or the pantry to get his fix.

Around summer time they were getting a little ridiculous with their juice and popsicle demands so I started explaining what was in those items and several others. Now they are accustomed to only getting one glass of juice and the rest of the night it is water. They take that answer rather well now days.

When Halloween rolled around with all of its candy goodness it was a good time to see if all that brainwashing would pay off. I explained several times that they would not just get to stuff themselves with candy but there would be a limit. Each time they asked for extra pieces I would ask them, “What does candy have in it?” They would so disappointedly answer me as they hung their heads and whispered, “sugar”.  "What does sugar do to you?" With the poutiest lip ever, “makes you unhealthy”.

This may not be the way you would choose to teach your kids to eat better, but it has really worked for me, yes, brainwashing. They know that if they pick a cereal with double digit sugar content, it isn’t an option. They pretty much know what they can choose from nowadays and what is off the table, literally. We are doing our best to teach moderation, what is healthy and unhealthy, and still trying to respect others that don’t practice what we practice. They like to tell their daddy that when he drinks a pop he will get unhealthy. The boys have been on board much more than their daddy.

There are times I can’t get full and when my need for chocolate is no longer a craving, but a necessity, I will make sure my body gets what it is asking for. Other times I try to do my best at keeping it as healthy as possible.

With all that being said, Happy Turkey Day! I will be eating until I am satisfied, not uncomfortably full, and most likely I will eat more than one piece of dessert, but you know where you are going to find me at 4:30am Monday morning right? Right… running in the cold.


Are you and your spouse on the same page as far as how you eat?

How do you teach your kids to eat in moderation and keep it as healthy as possible?

Running, it runs in the family



My last "race" of the season.  I say "race" because I did not race.  I threw out my goal of PRing a couple weeks back and I was ok with it considering a bunch of stuff.  So, I got there ready to run with the hubs.  We were up dark and early, dark because the sun still had a couple hours before it lazily rose to light our world.  I dropped Weston off at my parents at the ridiculous 4 am hour and we got the boys up for their racing debut.  But, not before a pit stop at their Aunt T's for an early morning nap.  

Remarkably we found exactly where we needed to be and we were on time, early even. (I was driving)  We didn't even argue.  A couple trips to the bathroom, figuring out where all we needed to go and do, a little strategy talk and our tired faces were ready to go.  This picture notes Dale's excitement perfectly.  Such a great sport with all the crap we do for running. 

The results, I was running slow for Dale and he was running slow for me.  Ooops, little miscommunication there.  We helped each other get a really crappy time.  If we would have been racing then he probably would have finished top 10 and I would have probably top 15.  I did get 1st in my age group, but that is only because the other girls my age weren't being such wusses and were running the much longer distances.  The times in the 1/2 were ridiculous.  I don't think I would have finished in the top half.  But, it did inspire me to get closer to wanting to reach those half marathon goals.

I said I wasn't going for time and I wasn't.  I tried beating myself up about it and I'm still trying to get over my really ridiculous running performance lately.  I just don't know what is going on.  Maybe I am just in slow motion mode because it is colder.  Like I said, I'm really trying to be ok with it and just run.  Like really really trying. 

As Dale and I watched finishers come in, I was more moved by the ones finishing in the back of the pack, running because this race meant so much more than just a race and a time or a PR.  It meant they got out and did something hard and finished.  I found myself getting choked up many a time.  Why can't I accept that for myself?  I don't get myself.  Anyway, it turned out to be an absolutely fantastic day after my pity party!

The left picture are the marathoners.  Go marathoners! and to the right are the 50k'ers. I think they should all be admitted.

Weston and my parents met up with us later to see the boy's race.  He was wearing a ridiculously cute caped shirt but I totally forgot to get a picture of him strutting around in it.  Trust me, it was cute.  He was not cute snooping in every one's bags, however and begging me for the Gu I got in my prize pack.  He doesn't accept no for an answer.  Apparently he was hungry or something.

Ever since I mentioned this race a couple of months back the boys have been asking if it was "kid's race day yet?"  The day finally arrived and it was the only way we were getting them up out of bed at 5am without whining and a complete fight.  They gladly got their gear on and switched questions to "when does it start?  Are we going to miss it?" only about 459 million times.  I was just glad they were excited about it.  

Right before the race at the awards stand.  They are the cutest, right?!  Waylon just got some new Air Jordan's and they make him faster than everyone in this whole world, if you were wondering.  Sorry to break it to you.

The kid's race was about a 1k up hill.  I was kind of surprised they tortured them with a hill, but they handled it like champs.  Wyatt insisted on running with a hat and his hood up.  He did awesome.  Out with a bang and never broke stride.  I got a little worried about Waylon.  Wyatt left him and he was running on his own.  Not something he is used to.  I thought he might get scared.  Thankfully daddy kept a good eye on him and jumped in when Waylon needed a little reassuring. 



Wyatt nearing the finish line.  He just kicked it up a notch when I was yelling for him.  This kid... makes me so stinkin proud!

And then I saw this and I don't think I've ever cheered louder in my life.  I wish I could blow this one up.  His face is fully determined and he looks so strong.  Plus, daddy is right there by his side.  No worries in his world.  MMMM, love it.  Dale told me as they were rounding the corner he told Waylon that they were almost done and to give it everything he's got. Did he ever... 



The proud little faces!  Love them so stinkin much!  They were extremely happy to have racing bibs and get a medal like mommy.



I know to some of you this might not come as a surprise, but I think running runs in the family! 

Not sure I'll post again before Thanksgiving, but I want to wish you all a very blessed one and name just a few things I am so completely overwhelmed with thankfulness about. 

• My husband.  For so many reasons!
• The boys that litter my door step and the floors throughout our house.  I love them to so many extremes!
• Last night when we came home from a little grocery shopping they stood on our doorstep waiting for the door to be opened.  All I could see was their dark silhouettes and heard the youngest calling, "mere, mommy" I was so thankful for them crowding the way when at other times it completely annoys me.  I have to pinch myself sometimes at the opportunity I get.
• My completely supportive family.  All of it.  I have a good family, in-laws definitely included!  Love you all!
• Our location in this world
• My job - our jobs
• All of my friends - let's just not get too sappy - love you all

There is a ton of stuff I didn't name, but my time is running out.  Safe travels if you are traveling and may love surround you and your families.  I love the holidays!!!

Oh, and today is National Hug A Runner day.  Consider yourself hugged and I'll act like you returned it!  I like tight squeezes. 

Get Your Stuff Together. I'm Right Here.

This weekend we didn't have any plans.  I have begun to hate grocery shopping on a Saturday night.  So, I inconvenienced Dale with Friday night shopping instead.  That left our Saturday wide open.  My morning runs back just for me.  I took advantage of it and hit the trail in the awesome morning weather and it paid off big time.  I wrote the experience on my phone while we did some running around Saturday morning for Dale...

***

The first mile always feels like crap. My legs are heavy, it's hard to find the right rhythm and the right pace, and the phlegm attacks. My first long run (6 miles) in a while. It was a beautiful day. There's just something about being on that trail vs the road where I can really connect and deal with myself. Crap that I need to deal with.

Around the second mile I really started having a multi-personality experience asking myself all sorts of deep questions like where my insecurity and self sabotage comes from. I was working through some deep stuff that I haven't gotten real about with myself in probably ever.  I realized I do it because I want to be great but not the greatest. I work my tail off to get there and then I don't do what it takes to put myself on top. I do this in every aspect of my life except with being a mom. I'm scared. Afraid that I'll get there and fail, people will talk about me, blame me, I would have too much responsibility that I feel I couldn't handle.  I would be acting like something I'm just not. 

At work it is all about people thinking that I don't know what I'm doing. I have to realize I got to where I am because I figured out what I was doing and was good at it. I can't rely on that carrying me for the rest of my career. There are always going to be times I don't know what I'm doing. I'll either figure it out, ask for help, and move on.

In a way I'm intimidated. There aren't many women in management in my department. I deal with a lot of men. Too many times I go unheard because of my own insecurities. Which is sabotaging my own career. I'm there for a reason and I have to remember that. And I'm completely capable of holding my own, which I've proved time and time again. 

At the three mile mark I stopped running. I asked myself why I was stopping and the immediate answer was because God was stopping me. I stood there on the left side of the trail alone with my head cocked up facing the sun just above the trees. Warm, not tired, sweating. I put my hands on my hips as the sun shined in my face so bright I could barely open my eyes.

"Get your stuff together. I'm right here."

It brings tears to my eyes so much so that I have to take a break.

I stood there quiet and just tried to listen. To soak it in. You're right here right now for a reason.  What is it? To find my strength. Where? In you. Quit holding back.  Live your life without holding back in fear.

The sun was shaded and He turned my feet around.  With Him at my back I finished the other three miles refreshed. Like I forgot I was running. Lighten my steps here on this trail and in my life. Give it to him.

And that, my friends, is why I run.  It's so much more than running.  Three miles of junk being worked out through some tough conversations with myself/with God.  What a load off.

The journey sucks a lot of the time, but you keep working, keep reaching for beyond life moments such as these.... man, there aren't many times in life where you get that surreal feeling. It doesn't come every time. It doesn't come often. For me only a couple of times, but WOW!

There isn't one specific thing I'm dealing with. I'm in an ebb stage of life right now, not at my best, but pushing for it and there are some truly dear friends of mine that are hurting deeply and I hurt for them. God gave me a clear message today that He is here and in charge and has things under control.  I just have to trust that.  Some way, some how He takes these shitty situations and works them out in ways where we find the blessings. 

Physically today's run was not one of my best, but spiritually it is at the top of the list.  I'll take that over physical performance any day. 

***

God gave me another sign this weekend that He is in control and that He will provide when we are in need.  I've spent months thinking He was too silent.  Didn't seem to be there.  Didn't seem to care about us not knowing what next steps to take.  One piece of mail that sat on the entry way bench for about a month unopened and untouched because I thought it was just another piece of junk mail.  Isn't it funny that the day I heard His message loud and clear He lead me to that piece of mail that contained a little something extra to help us along in our life's journey.  Amazing, isn't it? 

We had an amazing day with cousins and roasting hot dogs and marshmallows again in the woods.  We said goodbye to our company and every one showered.  Running around the house and playing loudly.  Dale sat relaxing on the deck and soon the rest of us joined him. Wrapped in our blankets enjoying one more nice Fall night and thoroughly enjoying each other.   That's the kind of day to remember!

Me and the Multi-Superhero - Memories Captured

Your sleepy eyes rounded the corner to the bright kitchen.
Your voice not quite ready to talk.
Your blanket snuggled up close to your shirtless belly.

"Can we lay down in your bed together?"

I'd never lay myself back down in my bed with sweaty running clothes.
How could I resist your invitation?

You know what today is.

I had a shower to take and another little boy to get ready.

You handed me the covers as I laid my head next to yours.
We shared my pillow and talked while Wyatt and daddy got ready.
"I'm cold, mommy"
Your voice was so sweet.

We drifted off to sleep.  I don't think I've ever enjoyed a 6:30am nap.

"I had such a good dream.  I'm excited for today."
Our first official one on one day.

You joined your class up on the wall and didn't care that I was not right by your side.  You sat and smiled and were so polite.

Your words never as frequent as they are at home.

But your smile is always the same; full of life and then some.

You're shy but you're not.

You're comfortably quiet around girls and boys and teachers and bees.

You didn't complain when mommy needed her stuff done too. 

I had SUCH an awesome day with YOU!

I'm joining Galit and others in this awesome link-up.  Check her out.  She will leave you yearning to be a better mom.  Then check out the others and their greatness.