Training Frustration

I didn’t want to run this workout this morning since I saw it on my training sheet Sunday. Tuesday’s are track days. Speed days. My speed got lost somewhere in my 20’s and has yet to find its way back into my legs. Maybe Weston stole it all, that little booger is fast.


7 x 400’s on the track at 1:21. I can do 200’s all day. Throw a 400 in there and I feel like crying. This used to be my race. This used to be the one I could dig down and dominate. Eating up the corners and striding with strength on the back stretch. It would feel so good to come around that last corner to the home stretch. To push with everything I had to get to that finish line. The burn my butt and hamstrings would feel… I used to love it.

I kind of wished it was storming when my alarm went off. Just one little bolt of lightning? Nothing. It was so hot in the house I felt like crying again. I refuse to turn the AC on for 3 days. Refuse!! I got my stuff on and headed to the car anyway. I don’t remember the last time I was so negative about a workout. I seriously had thoughts of saying screw all of this.

Two warm up laps around the dark, lonely track. I could have only done one. It was so warm and muggy. There was a nice strong south wind on the back stretch. It is always windy at our track no matter what. I was trying to think of the best place to start. I needed to decide if I wanted the wind in my face at the beginning or if I wanted to fight it at the end. I just tried to tell myself that I have to run the entire track so it really doesn’t matter where I start and to just go already.

1:20 – This one felt so good. Felt like the old days. Maybe I can do this. 6 more…
1:24 – died at the 200 mark
1:27 – holy crap
1:28 – geeeeezzzzzzeeeee!
1:30 – seriously?

Oops! After I didn’t reach my goal in my last 5k I decided that I was going to stick to my plan 100% for the next 5 weeks to reach my goal for my last race of the season in mid Nov. I have been doing well, but I feel so tired. My legs are sore, heavy, tired. My body is tired and weak. I feel like I need more rest days. But, I’m determined to stick to it. Until today that is. I felt like crap. I was running out of time because all the time I used to try to talk myself out of the workout and I needed to decide to quit at 5 or push out 2 more. I felt that my times were just going to keep getting worse even though I switched up where I started and where I fought the wind. So pushing out 2 more wasn’t going to do me any good. I tried to tell myself that each one makes me stronger and to keep pushing. I told myself that I was going to push even if they sucked. I was done. I didn’t have anything left.

About that time the smoking jogger arrived (have I told you all about him?) and I didn’t need an audience during my death, so I called it. I walked a lap, stretched out and went home. I quit. I don’t want to start hating this. This is something I do for me. I’m supposed to enjoy this and I don’t want that to change. I felt like today could/almost did change that. I feel like a wuss.

My workouts lately have been good, but frustrating. Saturday I had to squeeze in 5m fast before dinner and it was turning dark. Our town is much livelier at this hour than my usual hour.

Saturday: 5.20 miles - 41:19 - 7:56 avg
Mile 1 7:30
Mile 2 7:59
Mile 3 9:02 – wth?
Mile 4 7:59
Mile 5 7:17

An example of one of the hills on the hilly 4.  Beautiful - yes!  Nice - NO!  There is a nice long gradual one right after this one.

Sunday 70 minute run – I only did 58 because again, I was running out of time. I felt like I was running the entire country side. This was the first time I have run with music and it helped a ton. I ran the hilly 4 and then some until my GPS went out and the music stopped back in BFE. I couldn’t take it much longer on the gravel road just hearing my footsteps and breaths. So I waved at the cows and turned around.

Sunday: 58:24 minutes - 7.39 miles - 7:54 avg
Mile 1 8:56
Mile 2 7:39
Mile 3 7:06
Mile 4 6:36
Mile 5 8:36
Mile 6 4:55
Mile 7 11:49

I’m pretty sure I did not run a 4:55 at mile 6 or ever in my life! At the end of mile 6 I was dying trying to dig up that last hill. I think my GPS had a hard time adjusting because I pushed mile 7 fast to keep my average in the 7's.

Monday – My usual 3 miles. I accidentally paused my workout for some stupid reason, so mile 2 is a guess. Anyway it was about an 8 minute average which is completely frustrating giving the fact that I have a faster pace in longer runs than I do in my shorter, supposed to be faster, runs. What the heck is going on here?! This is what makes my mind want to quit. This is what makes me say, screw racing I will just go out and run comfortably. So frustrating! So, I’m having a down training week. Hopefully next week will be better. Or maybe tomorrow’s weight day will help get back some motivation. One can only hope.

In other news, we did family pictures on Sunday – country and cute – will show you some soon. Weston DID NOT cooperate and that is why I have no professional pictures of him since he was weeks old. WEEKS OLD!!! He turns 2 in January.  See that picture of him down there to the right?  Yeah, that is totally him.  And I put up a new valance in the kitchen! Wyatt’s on the left, Waylon’s on the right. I’m going to pick their favs every week and display them here. What do you all do with your pride and joy’s work?

Have you experienced this frustration in your training?
What do you do to try to get yourself back on the horse?
Do you run with your phone using an app or do you have a GPS watch?
Do the watches have the same issues my app seems to have?

I'm not always strong

School is starting
I can’t even process that

I’ll miss him getting on and off the bus everyday
Every stinkin (insert cuss words times infinity here) day

Dale is mad at me
I don’t even know what to think

I’m tired
I’m so fucking tired

I don’t want to do this or that or anything else anymore

I feel pressure here and there and over there

I don’t want to feel the stress in my shoulders
Or the pain in my neck
I don't want the nerve endings in my brain to feel so much burning

I’m working my ass off in so many ways
And frustrated that things aren’t falling easily into place

I fear migraines
And time
And our future

I want things now that we can’t have
I wonder if we will ever get there

I want you to be happy and comfortable

I want a script to follow
A recipe of perfection
With a defined ending
And someone to come cook our meals every night

Why does EVERYTHING have to be so damn hard
Especially when it looks so easy for others

Am I even where I’m supposed to be
I thought I was
I thought I was doing what I was lead to do

How can I feel so complete and put together one month and like things are crumbling around me the next

I keep waiting on answers but all I get is silence
Maybe that’s my answer
But I still don’t know what direction to go

What the fuck is going on

I want to be by myself
I don’t want to talk to you or you or anyone else

But I want you here
Listening to the things I’m not saying

Feeling the frustration behind my smile
Letting me know that my silence is ok
That everything is ok

Making me laugh so my head stops getting in the way

I ran pissed off this morning
It felt good
Too bad those endorphins aren’t lingering

I’m sick of being late
I’m sick of having places to be to be late to

Funny thing is I want it all
I want everything I have and more

I decided to focus on what I have this morning with a mile left on the track
The people I have in my life that keep me going in times like this when I want to quit it all
Because it is too hard, too much, too exhausting, too full

I know what I have
I count my blessings
I usually know what I want
And how I’m going to get there

It’s just all the meat rotting garbage in-between
The setbacks, the frustrations, the difficulty
We all have it
We all have a choice of what to do with it

After I throw my fit
Jerk my head back
And pound my fist and heels on the floor
Scream
And wipe my snot on my sleeve
I’ll be ok
Good as new
Just excuse me while I do

For the record, I never, ever want to give up on my marriage or being a mom. Ever! For those of you that don’t know the true me I didn’t want that being read and taken differently.