5 Sharp Lives

Little Mr. Series - 1st kiss

2012-01-26T12:13:00.001-06:00

There are little things/moments I share with my boys. Most of them insignificant for a “big” memory, but that is exactly what makes them so special to me. This morning after a good relaxing recovery workout these little memories were running through my head. As I rushed through a shower I decided I would just start blogging them. They are so precious to me and things I don’t want to forget, but someday I know I will. I want these little snippets to come back to. Especially when they reach their teen to adult years and want to claim that we never did anything really special together. You know how teens can be. I want these for proof. I’ll pull up my blog and say, “I beg to differ little Mr.!”

So, I’m thinking on Thursday’s I’ll share them here. Mainly for me, but feel free to enjoy them too. Some may be short some may be long. I assure you that some will be funny, but all of them are special to me.

This morning I entered Weston's room like I do every weekday morning. Turned off his fan, turned on his closet light, and grabbed a diaper. He was already sitting up with his hands stretched out ready to be picked up and snuggled. In routine he offered his cheek to me for squishy kisses. I kissed it several times as I do every time I lift his heavy little baby body to mine. I headed to the changing table my arm bearing his tired body. He had his usual bed head and swollen eyes. As I stood holding him at the end of the table in his red and blue footed jammies I pulled his binky out of his mouth and asked for a kiss. This 366 day old boy puckered up his lips and leaned in to kiss me for real for the very first time. His plump little lips fit so perfectly to mine. It may not happen again for another 365 days, but I will take it. It was Melt.My.Heart good! What a perfect way to start my day!

My baby is 1

2012-01-25T11:42:00.002-06:00

365 days. It seems like such a big number. The amount of growing you did in those days was phenomenal. The amount of joy you have brought to our lives was so much more.

This day is bittersweet. It is a day that brought us a ton of joy. You came at a time when our lives were flipped upside down. Everything that we knew and were used to was thrown into a blender and pureed. That's what it felt like. The silver lining was you.

You were a surprise to us. A little gift from God when He knew we would need you the most. The highlight of our darkest days.

But your timing doesn't define you. It's not what you are all about. You are about smiles, and craziness, and yelling "da" just to get some one's attention flashing that ornery smile in return.

You're about sleeping well and not missing your bed time. You're about destroying and making it known where your path had led. You're about climbing and playing and loving your baths. You're about walking before you turn 1. Slow, concentrated, balanced steps. I love watching you practice and practice and I love the joy you get out of it.

Your energy level is amazing. You could go from being so tired and content, but the second you hear your brothers you hop up like you were never down. You live to be by them. To play with them. To laugh with them.

It's not like you are just the annoying little brother. They have more love for you than I have seen out of them. You are the first person they want to see. You are beyond excited if their heads are the first to come through your door.

You're not scared of them. You're not intimidated. You don't have to make your place in this family just because you were the last to come along. Your place has been here waiting for you to complete the puzzle. You fit right into the craziness and add your own.

They say things like, "I'm so happy we have Weston". They miss you when you are away and kiss your head when they see you again. They have to tell you goodnight every night.

You are amazing little man. I am so grateful I took full advantage of our time together before I had to go back to work. I will never forget it. Right now you hate affection unless you're in just the right mood, but I long for the day that side of you comes back and I know it will. You bring so many smiles to our face and we are overjoyed that you're here making your way in this life and are so much of a staple to ours.

You've made our lives complete.

Happy Birthday beautiful boy! We love you so, so much.

I work out

2012-01-24T14:14:00.000-06:00

Now that LMFAO song is continuously in my head. It's one of Dale's favorites. Kidding. He gags every time he hears it.

I have been working out and not because it is my New Year's resolution. I don't make those.
Not because I think I need to lose weight.
Not because anyone made me feel low about myself.
Not because I just had a kid. How long can you really use the word "just"?
Not because I have 3 kids. Ok, maybe it is because I have 3 kids and maybe it is because they are all boys and I will be the weakest one in the house someday.
I work out because I like feeling strong, firm, and tone.
I like being confident with the way I look. I need a lot in the confident department. It wasn't a strong area when I was growing up. Some may argue that point, but I know how I felt on the inside.
I work out because it makes me feel so much better. I don't know how long I will feel young, but I want to take advantage of it when I still have my youth.
I work out because I want to look good in a bathing suit and have a firm stomach.
I work out because I don't like to see dimples of any sort on my butt or thighs.
I work out because it gives me energy and makes me feel a tad bit special because not many people do it. There I said it. Don't we all like to feel just a little bit special?
I work out because a couple of weeks ago we moved some furniture and I couldn't do what I used to be able to do. Then I smashed my hand, quit leaving Dale to move it himself, and I ended up with a migraine. Dale graciously pointed out that I couldn't do what I used to do. He was right.
I work out because I have little boy's butts to kick. They won't be running over their momma anytime soon (once I stop being so sore)
I work out because a lot of people have been encouraging me lately and not even knowing it.
I work out because it gives me just a little bit of a high to push through when I don't think I can. I need that in life.

I don't know how long it is going to last. I don't know if I will continue to set my alarm at 5am every morning which is really 4:45am. But it is happening now. I am able to roll out of bed with no complaints, throw my sports bra and shoes on and get after it. I have more energy. I feel good. I get more done. I'm more conscious about what foods I am putting in my body and it feels good to be taking care of myself.

And I work out because soon I want to say, "I'm sexy and I know it!"

WW: Memories Captured

2012-01-17T22:31:00.002-06:00

I'm joining Alison and Galit again for one of my all time favorite linkies. I'm also linking up with Kristi and Lish for Wordless Wednesday.

A long thankful night

2012-01-17T12:40:00.000-06:00

102.1

Your cheeks are flush and you feel like a little heater against my skin. I put you down knowing it's going to be a long night.

My heart is heavy with news of a mommy who had to return her baby to Jesus. She had to witness her only son go through unthinkable pain and yet I lay here with three happy, healthy boys just down the hall.

Not an hour passed and I hear your cry. The usual reassurance and tucking you in just wasn't working this time. I cuddle your body next to mine as you share my pillow. Your tired hands gently rub your soft blanket against your face. You're back to sleep but my finger continues to rub your shoulder and down the side of your back.

My mind goes back to that mommy who held her son as he took his last peaceful breaths. I don't know why, but I tried to imagine just what that would feel like. What must she have felt?

Quickly I learned that pain wasn't for me. My heart breaks for her but I couldn't quite shed a tear. In a way I feel the guilt. Then quickly praise God that He hasn't given that to me. I pray that the pain she feels is never meant for me. That He protects my heart. I praise God that I got a day full of family; laughter, slow, wobbly, and concentrated steps meant just for me, of kisses and hugs, of peek-a-boos and where are yous. A day of can we cuddle, will you carry mes and I love yous. A day with daddy and sons.

It was a long night, one that I'm sure we will still be trying to recover from all week, but it was another night that I praise God for as He continues to let me keep my sons.

I also pray for that family who lost this amazing child and for every parent out there that has felt this pain.

Mommy Moment

2012-01-16T09:05:00.000-06:00

Today I'm all sorts of misplaced. I should be at work instead I'm at home trying to work and take care of an overheated almost one year old on very little sleep. I'm also over at Natalie's where she has so graciously posted one of my all time favorite Mommy Moments. I'm so honored that she even asked me to be a guest in this great series she does. Would you go check it out? Tell Natalie hi. Love her! I mean, who doesn't love a title like Mommy of a Monster and Twins?! Check out a few of her top posts over there too. I'm sure you will enjoy her posting as much as I do. And those little monsters of hers are pretty stinkin adorable too.

One Unexpected Kick Ass Day

2012-01-04T13:07:00.000-06:00

Christmas Eve 2011...

Game day. Dale bought tickets to the Chief's game just for me, Wyatt, and him. It was going to be a special day. A day not a lot of little boys get to experience especially so young and at this magnitude. Bottom section of Arrowhead stadium, not many people get the experience.

We awoke with tired eyes, but excitement surrounding the day to come.

"Wyatt, today is the day. Chief's day! Let's get ready for the game."

"Today? No, I don't want to go to the football game" after weeks of excitement.

It was not what we had expected to say the least. Meanwhile there was a boy on the couch stating that he would go. He wanted to go to the "SSSHHHiiiieeeeefffffssshhh" game.

Dale and I glanced at each other wondering how we were going to handle this one. How do we talk the oldest into wanting to go and the three year old out of his begging?

Nothing was working.

"Switch them, then. We will take Waylon and Wyatt can go to Pa Pa and Nae Nae's." I said it, but I was pretty much convinced that the day was already a disappointment.

He's 3, he will never want to be out in the cold and he won't enjoy it, standing there all day.

But, this is what we decided to do. We got bundled up, headed to the car, dropped the oldest and youngest off, and headed to a McDonald's breakfast.

He was excited. I think mainly just to have us alone, who am I kidding, McDonald's made this boy's day.

We headed for the stadium. He was quiet, happy, but quiet. Didn't nap the whole way there. We were in for torture for sure. That is what went through my mind.

What we were really in for was one of the best days with him ever.

On our way into the stadium an older man, the one you see the back of above came up to us and asked us where our seats were. I was a bit skeptical and give him mad props for not turning and walking away just due to the expression on my face. I asked him what for and he asked Dale to see our tickets. Dale told him and he said he wanted to get us better seats. He didn't want to sell them. We were getting them for free. I was ready to tell this guy to get lost, but thought I'd bite my lip and let Dale handle things instead.

We don't go to a lot of games. I've only been to a handful of them and each time I went I was as close to the clouds as you could get. It is an experience, but I was always envious of the "rich people" down in the lower section. I thought we were doing pretty good with the tickets we had. And no, we didn't pay a fortune for them. We would have been sitting around 30 rows up.

We started for our seats as we weaved our way through a mixture of crazy drunk Chief's fans and scary looking Raider's fans. We got to the stairwell and just kept going down. Down... down.... down. This is unbelievable. Ten rows deep, right behind the Chief's bench. AMAZING!

I really didn't realize just how cool it was of that guy until way later and we owed him big for that little Christmas gift. It is so good to know there are generous people out there and for once they picked us to be the receivers of that.

We were happy to say the least. The game was great even though we lost in OT. Waylon absolutely loved it. We stood the whole time outside of commercial breaks, but as soon as he heard that whistle he was begging me to stand him back up so he could see.

I love when the boys surprise me with crazy picture faces!

He did the tomahawk chop. Screamed during "....THAT'S ANOTHER CHIEF'S 1ST DOWN"

and got loud when the noise around us grew. He might have lead our section. He was great. The game flew by and we had the time of our lives. Yes, at a Chief's football game with a three year old. No whining, no fighting, no crying, no begging for anything. Just bright white smiles from ear to ear! Being in the lower level was just as amazing as it looks from the nose bleed seats. Way better than I expected though. It's a whole different experience. Three hours flew by like one and 45 degrees felt like 70.

So thankful for that day, God's timing, God's control, and a renewed appreciation for my littlest Chief's football fan. It was an awesome day.

Christmas/New Year's/Catchup/Lots of pics

2012-01-03T13:34:00.000-06:00

So much blogging to do, so little time. I've already started the new year off behind. That's ok though. I will get to it or I won't and the world won't come to an end.

My thoughts on New Year's resolutions? I don't care for them. Ok, great if you have them and even better if you stick to them! But, me? I've never actually made them. Sure, there are things that I need to work on and vow to do better, but I like to do that throughout the year not just on Jan 1.

As far as goals go, I'm horrible at them. I set them and forget them. There have been a few that have made a lasting impact on my life though. Becoming more debt conscience being one of the major ones. I'm just not a goal setting kind of person. If there are things I want to do or work on I do it, but I don't chart or write out the steps I'm going to take to get there and I'm not rigid with them. I don't know why, it's just not how my mind works. Maybe I would be better off if I set them and actively tracked them. Anyway, this year the things I want to work on are:

1. Being nicer to Dale.
2. Being more patient in every area.

Not exactly specific and hard to measure. The end.

Onto some pictures to try to catch up a smidgen. I have taken about 350 pictures in the last few weeks so narrowing it down was a bit difficult.

So here we go...

We went to Crown Center for a day with the boys. There's just something magical about this place at Christmas time.

I tried to get another great shot in the train like a few years back, but taking pictures of these punks is impossible these days. Waylon refused to look.

This is the best one of the 3 of them I could get.

So close. Nice face, Waylon!

We made cookies on Christmas Eve after an awesome Chief's game experience. That deserves a post of its own. I will post it soon, maybe.

There were lots of sprinkles and lots of mess, but I tried to let them just be.

More of an attempt to capture the best of my angels.

Poor Weston! He just wanted to go to bed.

I ate most of those chocolate chip cookies.

Our letter Santa left before I could stuff down the last cookie!

I think Santa got our boys mixed up with someone else's. I know they weren't THIS good.

Christmas #2 with Grandma.

So glad I got this expression. He talked about that DS for WEEKS maybe even MONTHS! He was so happy.

He gave Grandma Vada a huge hug after receiving his cash. At least there are little glimpses of us raising him right.

Playing with Aunt Ronda

Practicing walking. He's partly walking now, by the way. I can't believe how big he is getting.

Christmas #3 at my parent's. And this is my classy sister.

Crazy Will.

Butt Crack Waylon

Giggly Wyatt

My sister beating up our dad.

I don't even know.

We lost Weston (It gets hot in my parent's house, btw. Hence all the shirtless boys.)

Then we found him.

The boy's first camp out at Nae Nae and Pa Pa's.

And Christmas was over.

Their new (new to them) Gator.

It's a tie between who loves it more, Weston or Waylon.

We had some TX company.

Waylon had a date.

So cute...

Then Wyatt stepped in on his girl.

Then they decided Bros before hoes. (Totally kidding, Sarah)

My no longer such a baby, baby.

It was a great Christmas break where we hardly sat down and had lots of time together. The end to the holiday season didn't actually trigger a little depression for me this year. I handled it quite well and don't feel any sadness for it being over. That's a change. Usually I get pretty down about taking the tree down and calling it done. I guess we were too busy to let my head go there.

Dale cleaned out the garage and the basement. I cleaned out the closets and the pantry. Then we took a day and painted the livingroom, entry way, and hallway by the laundry. Then we put the house back together. Pictures to follow some time soon as well, maybe. We were exhausted and the week went by too fast. I'm thankful for it and I'm thankful for starting a new year with kind of a fresh start. We are certainly blessed. Merry Christmas and Happy New Year everybody! Next big event? Weston's 1st birthday. Cue the tears!

WW: Waylon

2011-12-21T09:39:00.000-06:00

Sometimes when I picture Waylon in my head....

I see this....

See the resemblance? I seem to be the only one.

Want to link up? Visit Kristi and Alicia.

Five Stockings

2011-12-19T12:14:00.000-06:00

Christmas is surely one of my favorite times of the year. I don't like the shopping or the chaos. What I love about it is the feeling in my heart this time of year brings. A feeling of wanting to do for others. For celebrating the reason. For the joy it holds and the glow and warmth it shows. For the magic it brings to our home.

Each time I glance at this mantel I find myself a little shocked. Shocked because it looks so full. Shocked because there seems to be a lot of stockings up there. It seems silly, but then I realize that is us. That is our family. Hanging there sometimes imperfectly. Sometimes waiting for someone to come straighten us up.

Five stockings hung carefully waiting to be filled. Five stockings with just the right amount of space.

Five stockings preparing for their purpose.

It's crazy to think that just these five stockings is what I need to give me a dose of reality between the whines, the cries, the yelling, jumping, destroying, and fighting. They are all I need to take a deep breath and realize where we are is where we want to be and we are completely blessed to be here. They smooth the edges to all the rough stuff that makes up a day and allows for a lot more room to snuggle, hug, and kiss the little guys around here more often.

Who wants a dog?

2011-12-16T06:30:00.001-06:00

Yesterday I told you I was pissed. I was so pissed I couldn’t even feel pissed because there was nothing I could do about it. I couldn’t rewind time.

You all remember this post, right? This is where I got all inspired by Pinterest to start jazzing up my house. Well, I did and I have yet to show you the hallway, but not even 2 months of a fresh clean feel of a new look to our front door and it is ruined.

Dale so kindly awoke me from my nap I was taking on the couch before bed with a cat in his hand to show me this catastrophe.

Stunned, shocked, heartbroken, raged. Those are just a few things I felt but the one that got me was hopeless. I am well aware that there are worse things than hard work going to waste but I was just sick. It’s horrible. Worse than it ever was before. The kid's cute though.

How could a cat do that much damage? Wait, maybe it wasn’t the cat. Dale suggested maybe it was our jaws of life, resilient dog, Marcus. What an ass. I went to the garage, his kingdom, and took a look at his hawk like claws. Surely they were worn with that much damage. It was possible, but I couldn’t prove it even with all of my detective training. The thing that gave him away though was his quivering lip and jaw as I got closer. That really said it all. Guilty as charged. I just walked away as much as I wanted to throw his brown, hobbling, bob tailed butt in the cold for the night. Most likely he would have just gone and finished what he started. Sometimes just a look is all it takes. The disappointment he could see in my eyes could really turn him around, right?! Have him begging for forgiveness, no?

I used to cut pictures of the cutest kittens and puppies out of magazines my grandma would give me and make little collages with them. “Someday I will be able to have as many animals as I want.” I would dream. I didn’t even care how many times my tiger striped Coonie would piss on my bean bag chair or my pile of dirty clothes I left on my floor. I would still snuggle him as tight and as long as I could.

I have come to hate animals and it is going to be a cold day in hell before I get another one. (That is just me talking big because I’m pissed. It is highly likely the boys will get a dog after Marcus is gone that stays outside and that Wyatt will feed and take care of. I would melt at the sight of a fluffy puppy and cave in an instant if I knew one needed rescued.) My animal loving days are over. O.V.E.R! Coonie, Bud, and Lacy are turning in their graves. What good pets they were. R.I.P, guys! Oh, and you too, Katie Did.

The destruction feels like such a setback in the progress that we’ve made. That led me to being ready for new trim, paint, and doors in the hallway, the entry way, the living room, and the kitchen. So much so that I started looking for people to get me estimates on the cost. Now I’m all in a frenzy over wanting it all done now and at a price I won't choke over. Distracted to say the least. Looks like it is going to be a busy vacation and Christmas break for me and Dale unless he can talk me down from the ledge. I’m sure as soon as I see the price tag I will tuck my tail and run (pun intended); patting myself on the back at such a good effort for thinking so highly of my abilities in DIY ~~projects~~ thoughts.

Our Christmas Card

2011-12-15T12:44:00.002-06:00

I'm pissed today, I'll just say that. As soon as I can get some pictures uploaded I will show you why. I'm distracted and just pissed. But, until then I thought I'd share with you our Christmas card for the year.

Merry Christmas! (I swear I said that with enthusiasm!)

Snowflakes Ribbon Christmas Card

Make a statement with personalized Christmas cards at Shutterfly.

View the entire collection of cards.

Santa Pics

2011-12-13T12:48:00.001-06:00

Santa comes to my work every year. It's great and convenient! I think it is perfect that the boys don't have to wait in line at some mall to see him with hundreds of other kids. They get their own personal visit with no pressure to scoot off for the next kid. Just the way I would like it.

The boys? They don't agree.

This was his 3rd time seeing Santa this year. I guess the 3rd was just too much. He determined that he surely didn't like the guy.

Not even with his brother there.

Here I am trying to make him think it is all ok and he is wondering why the hell I wasn't rescuing him from this scary man. "How dare you!"

I can just hear Wyatt, "This is not working, mom!"

I should mention they saw Santa the night before and talked his ear off. Waylon asked him about the North Pole and Wyatt told him exactly what he wanted, but Saturday morning, none of them were having it.

Weston... still trying to figure out where the hell he is. He didn't even like the Christmas tree. He usually loves Christmas trees.

This is the best one we got. It was hard for Waylon to even be this close. I tried to move in closer to Santa and he kept pushing us away.

Oh, now he decides to hit Santa up with Reindeer questions. Punk! I tried to move back so we could get a good picture but he moved every time I slightly moved.

Some day they will love Santa, I'm sure of it!!!

Here's a look back just for fun....

Wyatt 3

Waylon 1

Wyatt 3

Wyatt 4

Waylon 2

I'm a sucker for Santa pics. Click on the pic above to go check out others if you are too.

Meet Trucker

2011-12-12T12:47:00.000-06:00

Meet the newest member of our family. The boys named him "Trucker". I was really surprised by the name they picked. Their grandpa was a trucker and it runs thick in the Sharp family. Dale actually has his dad's truck now in hopes to be driving this summer. Anyway, it kind of meant a lot as we lost Dale's dad this Spring.

I have to be honest though, when I dreamt of bringing the Elf on the Shelf to our house I thought of awesome ideas and ways to really make this special. I have yet to do anything special with him beyond moving him to different locations. I have really let myself down. I am hoping to pick up my game this week and going forward. We will see. Maybe if I get really creative I will share his adventures.

One of the first spots Trucker loved was up on top of our armour in the living room that houses our computer. The boys loved this spot too. It didn't take them long to spot him, which surprised me.

Some places Trucker really likes and he comes back from the North Pole and ends up in exactly the same place he landed the night before.

Trucker's favorite spot so far has been laying down in between two pictures hanging on the wall. I don't have that picture available right now, but you will see it soon. This has been the boys favorite spots as well.

As far as the behavior goes with Trucker watching... not going so well. Waylon insists Trucker can't see him if he isn't in the room with him. The boy is too smart for his own good. Wyatt is depressed that Trucker hasn't brought any presents back for him yet as he has for his cousin (because his cousin's present is wrapped under the tree with no bow because Weston keeps ripping it off.)

Gigi has a great linky going on over at her spot. Some of these ideas are great! If you have an elf go check it out, or even if you don't.

WW: Memories Captured

2011-12-07T13:25:00.001-06:00

Two beautiful ladies, Galit from These Little Waves and Alison from Momma Wants This had a brilliant idea of capturing moments right now to savor for later. I'm linking up because I love the idea. The reason for this blog is to capture all the stuff I won't remember later. I was really inspired by Shell's from Things I Can't Say. The boys are growing up so fast and no one wants to read through a long list of updates as far as what they are into except me or their grandparents, so I thought this was a perfect route to go. I loved getting these pictures together and really thinking about THEM; what each of them individually like and how much differently they make my heart swell.

Also linking up to Wordless Wednesday because I miss it like Lish misses the snow!

Our hot date

2011-12-05T12:22:00.001-06:00

Puking, broken washer, diarrhea, teething, countless crappy diapers, nose sucking, up at 5am every morning to head to work, whining, cooking dinner, mountains of never ending laundry, dreaming of getting home and sliding into my bright pink polka dotted pj pants not caring about the looks of them, but only for pure comfort. That's what my life has turned in to. I'm not complaining. I'm living my dream even in the crappiest (literally) of times. I'm not going to say I absolutely LOVE every single second of it, but the bigger picture? It's what I've always wanted to do.

Regardless those things take a toll as any mom out there knows. The last time my earlobes felt any weight was probably this time last year at our last holiday party when I was a whale of pregnancy. It's been a while. It is easy to grow apart in those times and just get through the day surviving together. Making sure we at least kiss each other goodnight. That is something we always try to do. When we do miss it I'm usually the one at fault because I was pissed about something. Let's be honest.

But Friday night it was time to put the stresses aside and enjoy each other for all the reasons we used to enjoy each other. We shipped the boys off to our parents and we got dressed up and hit the town for my company's Christmas party. The company was great, the food was great, and the gift was awesome. We had a meal to enjoy without someone yelling because the spoon wasn't hitting his mouth fast enough. I didn't have to say "sit down and eat your dinner" one time.

Sigh! It felt so good to dress up for us. I love this picture! Thanks, Jason!

I got a ton of compliments about my hair, so I added a few more pictures here so you all could see too. Plus I want to look back some day when I'm completely gray and tell my boys, "Yep, I used to look like that" and be proud of it.

I made Dale take these pics at the end of the night. It's not his favorite thing to do, but he was a good sport.

I actually did my hair myself as Weston was destroying our bathroom and crapping his pants over and over again (that's where the diarrhea comes in). I kind of knew what I wanted to do with it (thank you, pinterest) and curled a couple of pieces the night before to see if it was possible. It turned out better than I was hoping. I got a lot of I didn't even recognize you's. I'm telling myself that was a compliment and in no way meaning I look like shit all week when these people see me.

Here's full length front and back. I love those shoes and they don't even hurt my feet. Or maybe they did and I didn't realize it because that waist part of my dress broke a few ribs and Dale's fingers when I made him zip it up.

One more pic of my hair. I took this one myself and you can see a little more detail. I loved it too.

So anyway, we had an AWESOME time. Maybe one of the best outings we've had in 10 years. I'm so thankful for that. It is so needed and we need to do it a lot more often. Thanks, Babe for being such a great date. You looked pretty hot yourself. And... we got an iPad2 from my company!!!!

I miss my blog so you get this…

2011-12-01T14:02:00.000-06:00

My list of things to do:

Pay bills
Start 2 Photobooks for Christmas
Make Waylon’s annual birthday photobook like 2 months ago
Blog
Download pics off my camera
Blog
Order prints
Order family pics for the wall
Blog

So when I type it out it doesn’t seem bad, but in my head it is overwhelming because I feel like I don’t have time. This is all crap I have to do on the computer and I never get computer time outside of work. I can’t seem to fit this in an hour lunch break. Plus my computer at home couldn’t be any slower.

Random:

I’m thinking about taking pics of my living room and letting you all rearrange it for me through here. That would be fun for you, huh?! I suck at it and if there is one thing I’ve learned about the internet is you can find people that like to do the things you hate to do or they can at least give you helpful advice. I just don’t have the eye for that stuff.

We plan to pick out a color to paint the living room then paint and rearrange furniture over our Christmas break. I can’t wait…. until it’s done. I hate painting, remember?!

To add to the list above I’m scraping the bottom of the barrel in my wardrobe selection because our washer broke in the peak of a puking and diarrhea fest. Awesome, right! It has swept through our house and hit everyone except Dale so far. I’m keeping my fingers crossed that it doesn’t catch him. It was a great tool for losing that extra Thanksgiving poundage though!! So anyway our washer doesn’t come until tomorrow and the laundry waiting on it is worse than the checkout lines on Black Friday.

I'll be back sometime!

Oh, and Christmas shopping!

Happy Thanksgiving...

2011-11-23T12:31:00.001-06:00

...to you all!!!

MWAHHHH!

Knock your socks off?

2011-11-22T13:15:00.002-06:00

Dale and I built a house a few years after we got married and after spending some llloooonnngggg years in a spider infested one room, cold, and dated loft "house". It kept us dry and semi warm and allowed us to save a ton of money. We always knew we wanted to build a house just for us, so we saved our money to do that. Or I should say, help with that goal. Finally we were ready and got the ball rolling. We met with the builder and thought we knew what we wanted. His first blue print we agreed with. A simple ranch house that we could turn silver headed in and not have to worry about going up and down steps in our aged years. Way to think of the future, huh?!

We did a couple of walk throughs with some houses around our town. Our goal was to build something that we wouldn't regret. How can one know what they will regret at our age, with no children, and little life experience? We couldn't know and we didn't. All that being said we still have the house that we dreamt of having. One we can call our own and worked hard for even if it no longer lives up to our more updated dreams.

Fast forward a few years and we started realizing things. Things like IT'S TOO DAMN SMALL! A giant from where we came from though. The driveway floods every time there is a downpour. We haven't completely finished it and the electrician we chose was a dbag.

I dream of unwasted space, a more useful setup, a garage door opener INSTALLED, big beautifully stained trim, a covered wraparound porch, stone on the front and some columns somewhere just to be decorative. Crown molding, beautiful lighting, plush, soft carpet, modern paint on the SMOOTH walls, new interior doors, a huge walk in shower and a finished basement. Or, a glass storm door and a shop to put all the hubs machinery in would do too.

So that's a lot of dreaming and a whole lot of money, so we decided to just do what we can and see where we go.

First things first.... our front door. I have hated our front door since the day it was delivered. I love the sidelights, but this thing came in a light mustard color and I had no idea it was up to us to paint or stain the thing. So, we Gel stained it. Still, hated it, but it would do for a while. Then our lovely dog had the shits so bad one night he tried to eat his way out of the door while we slept. So, he did some real damage and it stayed like that for 2 years. Meanwhile the gel was cracking on the outside and the door expands and shrinks depending on the weather so it just looked even more like crap.

I got the great idea (thank you, Pinterest, you monster you) of redoing it. I found Dale's sander and went crazy on the chewed parts.

What a cluster. I also dream of a beautiful entry way that knocks your socks off.

I need to mention that I decided to do this Halloween weekend. The same weekend we planned Waylon's birthday party. Sometimes I really wonder about my thinking process. Who does DIY projects with 3 little turds running around? Especially ones who "LLLOOOVVEE to paint"! "Please, mommy, please, I will be weeaalll careful." Every 10 seconds.

Don't be fooled. He maybe did 30 minutes of the painting. I did everything else. The taping, the priming (beautiful isn't it), the mixing, etc. He did help clean up after though and kept the turds out of my hair for a while. When I saw that primer I was almost in tears. When I started the first coat one about fell from my eyes. I HATE painting. I am a "want to get crap done" kind of girl and don't have patience for all the nitty gritty details that take so much time to do the thing perfectly. I am so impatient.

But, after everything was said and done here are the results. It's not a "knock your socks off" kind of entry, but a definite improvement.

Some day I would like to put up some Wainscoting and some bigger pictures on the wall. If you want to see my dreams check out my board for the house on Pinterest. That site is going to ruin me and my finances even if I do find cheap ways of doing things! Redoing the trim is something we will want to do soon!

I think I might have been in denial for the last couple years on just how bad it looked.

But these? These are pretty much "knock your socks off" with my little ham and his many faces.

He is definitely great decor! The hallway was next. I'm still getting used to it and will reveal that to you all soon.

WW: Oh my Love

2011-11-15T22:58:00.001-06:00

Sometimes the lighting isn't good.

There is noise

and shadows

but who can pass up on these moments?

Go check out some gorgeous and relaxing shots from Lish at her new spot in SC. Beautiful, I tell ya!

And Kristi, the Hawaiian turned Missourian has some awesome small town MO photos. While you're there check out her lens giveaway.

The End

2011-11-15T13:22:00.000-06:00

This chapter is over. The having babies, nursing, the tiny clothes.

I'm melancholy about it really.

Right now I can say it fine, but in the back of my mind it whispers to me, "That's it. It's over. Onto the rest of your lives. Time to start getting old."

It's scary really. If I allow myself to think about it. Every small shirt I fold and pack into the NB to 3 month box, the 3 to 6, or the 6 to 9. With every box I pack a little bit of my heart aches.

I think I want more kids because of the sweet precious times when their new life blesses ours. It doesn't get much sweeter than that. I'm so thankful that I soaked up every bit of Weston I possibly could in those stages. Long days of rocking with him on my shoulder. Smelling every single freshly bathed scent I could. Feeling his soft skin. There's nothing better if you ask me.

The fact that my hair is turning more and more grey, the walls in our house are getting intimately closer, the backseat of the car not sparing another inch, combined with the fact that I sit down to work, drive, and eat and that is about it leave me facing reality.

I do feel complete. I feel we are the family God meant us to be. But still there is that little heart string that doesn't seem to want to go away.

I heard it again as Weston and I closed the chapter on breastfeeding. Mind you, I didn't experience the batted, mesmerized eyes that look at me in adoration. The boy was there for one purpose no time for lovey dovey. Man, he's like his dad. I actually enjoyed breastfeeding Weston much more than I did with the other two. It was painful nonetheless. But, we stuck it out until he was done. If you have followed long hopefully I have been descriptive enough for you to get Weston's personality. He was even kicking the crap out of me in the womb.

The boy goes and goes and that is him. His infant months = bliss, but now that he knows he can go and he can do it on his own, he is gone. There is no time for sitting still and certainly no time to be stuck to mom to eat. I let him call the shots on this one. He was clearly done. It wasn't a smooth road to begin with but we stuck it out and we did it together and I'm proud of that. I thought we were finished at month 8, but we fought until the 9th. And we're done. Part of me misses it, a lot of me doesn't. The pumping at work, the worry over making enough for him. The occasional pain that came from it all. I don't miss that!

As I packed up the bottles from the kitchen cabinet it occurred to me again that this was the last time. Never again will we go through this stage in our lives. And I'm sad and happy all over again. But, man, do I have more energy! I know for sure I'm going to miss it more as time goes on. I'm trying to keep my mind in the present and be thankful for their stages now. They are growing so fast and I'm trying to remind myself to stay right there with them. Weston made me feel better about it all last night when he finally decided to sit with me and fall asleep on my shoulder once again as the boys actually played peacefully in our room.

Through the chaos and the stress, the dirty messes, and spilled drinks, little by little I'm learning, relaxing, and letting things happen. I'm trying and that's what counts, right?!

To my Waylon...

2011-11-07T12:54:00.001-06:00

Nayners,

As I sit here going through your pictures tears come to my eyes. It's been three years already. Somehow my mind blocks me from looking back at ease. From 15 months on it seems like a blur. Each word I think of typing I find myself needing to stop and compose myself before tears run down my face. I'm going to add a bunch of pictures just to keep the tears from getting too heavy.

I love you, buddy. I want you to always know that no matter what. You are at an extremely exciting yet difficult age. You are constantly struggling with whether you want to be a big boy or remain my baby. You will always be my baby no matter how old you are. So, it's okay, you can go ahead and stop wearing diapers and use the toilet all the time now, okay?! I'm okay with that. PSST... the whining can take a hike too.

They always say two is hard, but I have to say I think on your way to three and beyond is "so, so, so" much harder. I only said it that way because you say it that way. "I'm so, so serious!" But, that is what these times are for... growing into your own little man. Becoming the strong person I dream of you being. One that can stand his ground and fight for what he feels is right.

There are so many things I love about you. I love your smile. I still love the perfectly spaced gaps between your teeth. I love your big head and how you rub your long eyelashed eyes when you are tired.

I love your "portly" little belly that sticks out of your jammies and your thick chubby toes even though I still gag taking off your shoes and socks.

I love how I can still see toddler all over you. I love that you can speak better sentences than most newly three year olds I've been around.

I love your laugh! Oh, how I love your laugh and how your face gets red and you run out of breath when you are being tickled. But you beg and beg for more.

I love how you share, but let it be known you aren't going to take any crap even if the guy has 100 pounds on you. I love your late night requests for me to sleep by you or when you come sneak into our bed even if the answer is no sometimes.

I love how you want to be the first one to talk to your baby brother in the morning. How you care for him and reassure him when he is upset. I love the funny things that come out of your mouth even though sometimes they are completely inappropriate.

I love that you still want your silky blankets. You're the only boy in the house that is that particular about his blankets. I love how you still fold your hands together in your sleep. I love that you think the world of your big brother but won't let anyone know it.

I love when you want to work with daddy. I love how completely filthy you can get. I love to see your dirty hands when you come in from "working" (as long as you don't touch my clothes with them). I love that you love baths with your brothers and I actually love the delight you get just from talking about poop and farts.

I love your faces. Every single one of them. I love when you act cool and I love it when you play "Sand a lot"!

But what I love most about you Waylon is that look you give me. The one that reassures me when things are tough or even when they aren't. The one that looks into my soul and calms my nerves. I love that sometimes you answer me with "okay, geez." I love that you are becoming who you want to be.

And in all of that I love that you still want me by your side. You want more love from me. You want me to be better. You want me to grow extra arms and develop more time. You want me stronger than I am. And that? Even though it puts tears in my eyes and a lump in my throat because of the guilt I feel with that thought being in your head is why I will never give up on you and will continue to work on being the mommy you want me to be. I hope I fill you with love and not spite. I hope when you look back on your childhood you love reminiscing about all that you went through.

I hope that you love your life as much as I love your life.

Happy 3rd Birthday, handsome!

I love you beyond words!

Mommy

This is what they do

2011-11-06T22:00:00.000-06:00

"I want that ball"

"I'm getting that ball"

"Seriously, I'm getting it"

"Give it to me"

"I said, GIVE IT TO ME NOW"

"THANK you"

"Hands off"

Football's over

2011-11-03T12:48:00.001-05:00

Boy, have we been busy. Football is over. We are trying to adjust to new schedules. Halloween. My car breaking down. A new car. Finalizing our refinance. Waylon's birthday. Me, thanks to Pinterest, deciding to paint my front door and the side lights. Dog sitting. Just a bunch of stuff to occupy our time! I'm sure I'll blog about some of it even if it is months down the road.

Last night I felt like jumping on the computer and typing every word Wyatt was telling me. He was filling me all in about girlfriends at preschool and how his girlfriend didn't love him anymore because he was on the blue team and she was on the yellow team. So, they "broke up" and she decided to be Lawrence's girlfriend. But then Lawrence got mad because she sat by Wyatt so she "unbroke" from him and now they are boyfriend/girlfriend again.

So, when she broke up with him the first time he went out and got a new girlfriend, Allison (said really slowly with raised eyebrows and big eyes). I didn't get to hear much about her because he went onto talk about Eva.

Eva goes to the same babysitter as him and well, they are obviously in love. I've never seen him act like he does around her. They are crazy about each other. She teases the crap out of him and he gets super hyper when he sees her. She's a cutie and super sweet. She only goes a couple of days a week, so when she isn't there he kind of gets disappointed.

Aw, young love. Too cute! I told him that he really should only have one girlfriend at a time. He looks at me, tilts his head to the side and says, "But Mom, I just like girls and guns and oh yeah, video games." I don't think I'm ready for this.

Anyway, back to our busyness....

We were heading out the door to daddy's last home game. Waylon looks like such a big boy here.

Waylon took this one. Can Weston be any cuter?!

Oh, wait, yes he can. My goodness. Isn't he the cutest little marshmallow baby ever?! He didn't quite know how to move in this thing.

The next morning we got up early and hit the flag football field for Wyatt's end of the season tournament. It was cold and the long night before left me tired, but what else is new.

I realized that this is just the beginning of my early Saturday mornings going and cheering on my boys.

They did so good. They beat the 2nd seated team their 1st game and played for the championship.

They ended up getting second and having a great time.

Lining up to get their medals. Yes, Wyatt (2nd to the last kid) is the smallest one on his team. Everyone else was either in 1st or 2nd grade. He wasn't MVP or anything this year, but I'm pretty sure he enjoyed it.

Towards the end they made sure everyone got a chance in the spotlight running the ball. Wyatt had 3 carries and got 2 1st downs. I was so proud of him.

We'll be seeing these jerseys together for years.

The cool thing about all of it is these are the kids he will grow up and play with up to high school. Such a great way to get the kids going and experienced with each other.

I loved the support the parents showed toward the guys. It didn't matter what team their kid was on in the end. They cheered just the same especially when the guys were taking turns running the ball. There were only a couple that I think were a little ridiculous, but I guess that comes with the territory and something that we will need to get used to.

Needs No Words

2011-10-26T12:59:00.001-05:00

Classic Pumpkin Patch Pictures

2011-10-24T15:46:00.000-05:00

We went to a very small pumpkin patch near our hometown this year. It was enough for the boys and they got their pumpkins thanks to Nae Nae.

It is impossible to take pictures of little boys and have them all look at the camera with the best expression all at the same time.

Will was getting sick of pictures I think.

Wyatt was complaining about holding Weston this way. The same way he wants to hold him 24/7 at home. Apparently at the pumpkin patch it's different. Look at little farmer Weston sucking on his gums.

They loved the hay bales.

Screw expensive swing sets or playground equipment. Just buy 4 big bales of hay.

Hay that Wyatt is allergic to.

But how could you deny the fun?!

I love these 2 pics even though they weren't taken with my "good" camera.

For some reason I think of them as teenagers up there.

Weston LOVES his brothers!

See?! This is his cheesy face, which I must say is sooo much cuter in person, promise!

Aw! My soon to be 3 year old.

Will - 3, Weston - 9 months (tomorrow), Wyatt - 5, Waylon - 3 on the 29th!

We love our Dub boys!

Priceless!

Hayride to the pumpkins.

Hay maze which I actually crawled through myself. Yay, me!

And that is our 2011 Pumpkin Patch trip.

PYHO: Carefree and Happy

2011-10-18T22:17:00.000-05:00

I just couldn't go there this year. Oct 15, National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance day. Usually I write something. Usually I make sure others around me have the little reminder.

I just couldn't do it this year.The heartache we've felt this year. The disruption in our family life in almost every single aspect. The birth of your youngest baby brother.

That doesn't mean I've forgotten. That doesn't mean I still wonder about the child you would be. Were you my baby girl? The one I see in my dreams. The blonde hair. The big blue eyes. Are your eyelashes as long as your brother's? The tan toddler arms that run into a little chubby roll just before your soothing hands. Would you like school as much as your big brother does? Oh what I wouldn't give to see you with him.

You are the one I see with the sunlight glowing through your hair. Your smiling face peaks over your shoulder while you run from us carefree and happy. You're not physically here. I can't feel your physical touch. Your loving kisses and tight hugs. But you are the deepest part of me. The one that makes me dig to find myself the one that gives me assurance that my worries have no merit.

A glance at a quilt. The reminder of the shirt that hangs in my closet. The thoughts of the day we heard the news. The emotions; the pain, the guilt, the tears.

But I see you. There in my dreams. I still feel you when I allow myself to go there. I see your painted nails around your daddy's neck while your glimmering ear touches his. I hear your whispers when I get overwhelmed and lose perspective. It could all be taken away.

You remain perfect. Untouched. Happy. Pure. You remain in my heart. You know an existence far greater than we can even comprehend.

And yet I find myself going there anyway. It's important. It hurts. It brings back emotions I have buried. But I have to. I have to feel that pain, remember the jumps for joy when we announced you were coming and the news that it wouldn't be. I have to let it run through my veins in hopes I will never forget. Never let you down.

In hopes to be a mommy you would be proud to claim even amongst the company you keep.

My girls

2011-10-13T14:31:00.002-05:00

Aside from my boys these are the ladies that keep my world spinning. They make me laugh, hold me accountable, support me, fight for me. They've known me longer than most of the people in my life. They've seen the good, the bad, and everything in between. They know my secrets and my prayers. They are there when my life seems to be falling apart and when I'm dancing on the mountain tops. Having friends like this is hard to come by especially in these numbers. I am thankful to call them mine!

WW: His 1st Field Trip

2011-10-12T14:04:00.000-05:00

Last week I got the opportunity to skip out on work and have a day with Wyatt. I think he was about as excited as I was. As we were walking to the car to leave he asked about his brothers and why they weren't going. I explained and he replied cheerfully saying it was just a day for us to have one on one time with. I'm so happy he was excited about that. He was such a sweet heart. I was pretty excited to meet this girlfriend he had been talking about for a few days.

She is 2nd girl on the bottom row next to the little boy with his elbow on the rock.

"Mom, I have a girlfriend."

"Really?! What's her name?"

"Well... I don't remember her name so I call her Olivia."

Trying to keep from bursting into laughter.

So we get there and he points her out to me. I am beaming with pride about my boy's taste, she's a cutie! Yes, I know looks aren't everything.

Later while getting ready to pick apples she was standing right beside us and he turns to her and points, "There she is." She hears him and gives him such a WTF face. You can tell this girl hasn't a clue who he is or what he is talking about.

As we are picking apples I say, "Hey Wyatt, have you ever talked to your girlfriend.

"Well" (like duh) "NO!" (obvs I'm such an idiot for asking. Nobody talks to their girlfriend!)

Trying to keep from bursting into laughter once again.

We finish up picking apples and the teacher asks, "So, have you met Wyatt's girlfriend?"

What? She even knows?

"Yeah, they obviously haven't talked. What's her name?" "Lydia"

Well, he was close.

She tells me there are two boys that are "fighting" over her.

Isn't that hilarious?!

Back to the field trip...

He fed chickens and ducks.

Pet some chickens

Learned about bees

Fed goats

Went on a hayride after picking out pumpkins, which I didn't get a picture of.

This was a cute idea

He happens to be cute too and looking rather big here.

And his teacher took our picture together. Aw, my big boy. Love him!

Then we hit up Target to look at Halloween stuff, which he soon regretted. Some of it was too scary for him, but this hat? He HAD to have his picture taken with it on. The little old lady next to us about peed her pants laughing at him.

It was a pretty great day and I'm looking forward to the next Preschool field trip!

Alicia's got some life changing news out on her blog if you have been following her. Go wish her some luck and say a little prayer for her.

I wear pink

2011-10-07T08:18:00.000-05:00

I was a tom girl growing up. You wouldn't find pink in my closet or drawers anywhere. Boobs? I didn't care for them until high school and in fact if you had boobs in middle school you were out casted and accused of stuffing your bra. You know how cruel middle schoolers can be.

I was self conscious and shy around others. I found it hard to change in front of other girls even my sister. It got a little easier when I was in college. In college, especially when you play sports you don't have time to be discreet about anything. You change in vans, behind trees, wherever you can find. There were always others around.

I had a great freshman year of college once I got over my little homesickness. I was running cross country, playing softball, and running indoor and outdoor track. I kept busy for sure. I had just about said goodbye to my freshman year when I was in Florida for the outdoor track national competition. I shared a room with four other college girls and we were acting crazy like college girls do, ok not that crazy.

I was in my pj's, my retainer, and settling in for the night in that comfy hotel bed. I laid my hand opposite my heart and snuggled in to watch just a little more tv before calling it a night. That's when I felt it. It was a lump about the size of a quarter. I could almost feel every side of it. It didn't hurt. I didn't feel sick. I was 19 for goodness sake. I asked the girls in the room to see if they felt what I felt. The looks of concern surrounded me as they confirmed what they had felt as well.

Here I am in my prime, having the time of my life. I had love, I was healthy; in the best shape of my life, and the whole world in front of me. Then I felt this and it was like my world stopped spinning.

I called my mom to let her know what I felt. In the fewest words, she freaked out. I went to have it checked as soon as I got home. You can image how uncomfortable I was. There in the doctor's office being felt up by just about everyone and laying on a table with my chest hanging out. Then a sonogram by a younger, handsome doctor, there again with my chest just out there. Then a mammogram. A mammogram.... at 19. The questions, the explanations. "I can make the incision just about here. It will be about an inch long and I will try to keep it where your bathing suit can cover it. But, you should always cover it if you tan...."

Those words I don't think I will ever forget. That's when it hit me. Surgery? Really?! I had been sick once in my life that required hospitalization around two years old. Now, surgery? I have to have surgery?

The surgery was quick. I felt fine and even hit up the ole Wal-Mart with mom and dad on our way home. They were concerned, quiet through this whole thing. You could see the fear in their eyes.

The outcome? No cancer. I have "very dense breast tissue" and I will always have a scar that will never fade. Fibroids are just something that are going to be a part of my life. And I will repeat the process above countless times in my future. It's a pain. It's scary, but it is worth it. It is much better than radiation, chemo, losing my hair, my life if I let these things go and they end up turning cancerous.

So, today I wear pink and I do countless checks for that next lump. I have had a few mammograms and I will continue to have them. In fact right before I got pregnant with Weston I had another one. No surgery that time, but the lump was there, now it isn't. I'm wearing pink in support of those whose lumps remain and infect their bodies. For those that have lost their lives and for those that won the fight. For those that put it off, waiting for things in their life to calm down only to find out they were stage 4 and fought the hardest fight of their life bringing them closer to death than they have ever been. For the support their friends and family show. You won't find more support than this lady showed here. Mommakiss, I'm doing it for you and your girl, A.

Check um, ladies. Check them often and go to the doctor to look at anything suspicious and do it now. A mammogram is uncomfortable, but I would take the fight of an early stage over stage 4 anyday. Go do it! Nichole did it. There isn't an excuse good enough. This is your life.

WW: The faces of Waylon

2011-10-05T08:11:00.000-05:00

Sometimes I wish I could just follow Waylon around with a video camera for most of his day. He is such his own little person. Beyond cool, strutting around and lowering his voice, calling me "mom" one second and the next whining like no other or throwing himself down on the floor like a baby only to pop up two seconds later stating that he is a "good boy now, see?!"

He's funny this little guy! And LOVES to get into our stuff like every other little kid out there.

On this day it was my mascara first thing in the morning. As you can see here he has many faces.

These are mainly his MEAN face!

But he can also have such a sweet one. That melts my heart every time.

I don't think there is a day that goes by where I don't just have to shake my head at him. Usually in disbelief of what has just come out of his mouth.

I don't know where he comes up with half the stuff he does.

He's just flat out funny. I love him to pieces even though he is the source of much of my frustration in the evenings. I can ALWAYS count on him to make me laugh about what he has just done. Even if it is pooping his pants for the millionth time even though we all know he can do this whole potty training thing. He always finds a way to muster a smile out of me.

Go check out Alicia and her love for Candy Corn and making me want to love Fall even though I want to hate it because it brings the cold. Grrr, Kristi is trying to talk me into it too.

Where are the effing keys?

2011-10-04T15:43:00.000-05:00

Losing a pair of keys to him:

Throwing things
Slamming doors
Blaming the kids
Blaming me
Blaming the boogie man for coming in and taking them
Yelling
Turning the house upside down
Not cleaning up from turning the house upside down

Losing a pair of keys to me:

Throwing things
Slamming doors
Blaming the kids
Blaming him
NOT blaming the boogie man for coming in and taking them
Yelling
Cussing
My face turning red, losing my breath, and veins popping out of my head and neck
Turning the house upside down
Putting things back from turning the house upside down plus what the husband has turned upside down
Retracing my steps a million times in my head
Completely questioning and requestioning everything about the events leading up to losing them
Trying to talk myself into dreaming about where I may have left the keys
Praying for God to show me
Completely thinking I’m crazy. Losing my mind
Thinking about counseling because I can’t keep anything straight
Trying to scale back and write everything down so I don’t forget anything else
Going into a deep depression because I am getting old and the lines in my face, other no need to mention physical things are happening and losing my memory are showing themselves more and more each day.

You’d think it would get better when the hubs explains that the keys I actually touched were not the keys he was looking for at all and the keys he is looking for I never touched, but it doesn’t. I still feel like finding a corner, curling up, and crying.

It’s just a pair of effing keys!

I guess it isn’t only that. It is life; little kids, and marriage, and family drama, and school, school field trips, flag football, and football for my husband, and getting a new car, refinancing, allergies, sickness, my nursing days coming to an end, laundry, and folding laundry, and potty training, teething, buying diapers nonstop and thinking about formula, and getting rid of my piece of crap car, and losing mouth pieces and finding them and losing them again, etc. It’s life and right now it is wearing on me hard core. I’m trying. I’m trying to keep it in perspective, but a little break about now would really do me some good. It’s ok, you can laugh at my pity party. Hopefully one day SOON I will laugh at this too.

WW - Count Me Blessed - Family Pics

2011-09-27T22:12:00.005-05:00

This seems like the perfect post to follow my Where I'm From post. I loved that one. I've also always loved the song Count Your Blessings. Count them I do.

Not every girl has a natural portrait park in the back yard of her parent's home.

Not every woman and man get to sit/stand in the place they married 8 years ago

with 3 more pieces of their story.

Not every woman gets to mother 3 boys who happen to be beyond handsome.

With killer personalities.

Not every woman gets to reflect on her life;

the good, the bad

and realize it was all a part of a much higher plan.

One she couldn't control no matter the fight.

Not every woman gets to hold the hands of her life.

Not every woman gets to celebrate with her parents

As they reflect on their life.

Not every woman gets to call family, family and mean it with all the love in her heart.

Not every woman gets to lose count of her blessings before she falls to sleep at night.

I linked up with Lish and Kristi. Kristi has got some awesome Hawaii pictures up today and I'm sure there will be more to come. Lish has got a great new look on her blog that I love, love, love. Go check them out.

WHERE I’M FROM

2011-09-22T13:44:00.003-05:00

I am from jelly shoes of the cheapest kind, from homemade dinners at the table and My Little Ponies at my side.

I am from the trailers to the dream home with garland covered staircases and a balcony overlooking the aged furniture in the warm living room. A natural fire burning in the handmade fireplace inspired by my grandpa.

I am from the enormous Elephant Ears that outlined the back of the gardens, from the Calendulas that shined brightly at their base. From stripping the Cattails and feeling the flutter of their soft smooth linings on our face. I am from the Willow Trees whose long limbs sheltered our childhood dreams and enclosed our play.

I am from family dinners at the island and chubby, Flinstoned feet, from Hope and William and Tionna and Billy.

I am from gathering together when things get tough and calling each other when we need to fill a void. I am from escaping into the natural beauty of my childhood home to think, reconnect, and teach my boys. From countless trips for softball games and wrestling meets.

From overcoming the past no matter how difficult it was and stopping a cycle of destruction.

I am from knowing God and getting there on my own and where my strength and confidence lies. From knowing how to go on because of the fact that there is something out there that has control and a promise of something much better to come.

I’m from Kansas City and a mixture of all the good blood, where my grandpa smoked brisket and my father followed. Of homemade potato salad and BBQ beans on the side.

From the hole in the closet wall where my temper got the best of me, the driveway where my parents met my sister and me as we broke curfew. I am from the little room with perfectly placed books on the bed where I taught my students dreaming of my life ahead. I am from the pond where we spent our summers diving like professional divers off of the dock and where fish nibbled at my brother's bare chest.

I am from our front porch surrounded by rock outlined flower beds. From my senior book which overflowed with too many great high school memories, from my wedding dress that melted much faster than my marriage will, from my grandpa's wedding ring and vinyl Chipmunk records. From Barbie dolls and doll houses where I spent dreaming and house designing.

From anger, but love, and righting our wrongs. From things that should have been better, but at the time were all we knew. From sacrifices and working hard. From hurt and resentment to forgiveness and the know how to move on.

This is where I'm from.

I wrote this post inspired by Mamakat's Writer's Workshop.

The Prompts:
1.) Your crazy in laws.
2.) Where I’m From poem. Copy this template and fill in the blanks. (inspired by our Bloggy Boot Camp Writer’s Workshop)
3.) Share a family favorite childhood recipe.
4.) A time you felt wronged by a teacher.
5.) Your top ten Fall Fashion favorites.

WW I need your advice

2011-09-21T08:21:00.001-05:00

So, I need your all's opinions. I have family pictures this Saturday. They will be held outside - ponds, trees, flowers, a pergola... would you give me your opinions on what you like best or if you have other ideas let me hear them? We are doing one big group family shot in which we are all wearing black, but I don't think I want to wear black for just us. Sorry for the bad cell phone pics!

This is what hubs is wearing and I'm glad because he looks hot in it. I wish I looked that good in red, but it is so not my color.

Lace tank over black crinkle lace bottom cami.

I liked this look in the store but I don't think I'm too big on it now.

I could go this route for a little more dressy. I am the only female in the pic, so I can be a little more dressy if I want.

I really love this shirt, but I don't know if it will wash me out in the sun. It is a cream color and super comfy. I also don't know if I want to go sleeveless. I could through that jacket over it.

Here's a closer look.

This is what I will be wearing for the big group minus the shirt underneath.

I think I will dress the boys in black shirts for all of their pictures.

Let me know what you think.

My Magical Moments

2011-09-16T12:02:00.001-05:00

As many of you can relate one of the dreams for my boys is that they will grow up with an unbreakable bond. That they will have each other's backs and love each other unconditionally. I dream that they will be close and feel each other's hurt and celebrate each other's successes.

I know getting there is a process. I know that sometimes they will hate each other's guts, punch each other in the face, and kick each other in the nuts.

But it's times like the above that I can sit back on the couch and catch a glimpse of my dream coming true without them knowing. These are the magical moments for me. When I am sure they are off destroying something and find them peacefully showing each other their tricks they made up on the swing set and supporting each other by telling them how cool or awesome it is. When I hear them compromise on which activity to do first in the sweetest "we can do that after we do this, ok, bud" voice. Those magical moments make my heart pump a little slower as if I am slowing down time and taking it all in even if it is a split second. Those are magical, magical moments for me.

Shell over at Things I Can't Say started another awesome link up. You can go check her out and read up on some other magical moments by clicking on the button below. Thanks again, Shell!

WW - Summer, I will miss you!

2011-09-14T13:15:00.001-05:00

As the cold, grey weather sets in for the day I find myself getting a little bit down. I love warmer weather and the thought of the bone chilling cold makes me want to through the kind of fits Waylon has been throwing lately. Geeze, where does he get that?! It's 62 degrees out and I want to run home and dig out my big comfy blankets for the night and not leave the house. But, we are enthralled in Football season, both my husband and my son, so I'm going to have to get my big girl pants on and hunker down.

Ah, long summer nights how I will miss you. You and your beautiful, warm sunsets.

The glow you put on the boy's back right before you wink goodbye for the night.

The energy you absorb before bath time and brushing teeth.

I will anxiously await your return.

When we can play in the fresh cut grass and listen to your buzzing sounds.

We will miss you, Summer!

While these days are ending we have been busy. As I mentioned, Football is in full swing.

We are busy running into barbed wire fences.

And growing up babies.

Sharing chores like feeding the messy one that doesn't really care for veggies.

Going to PreSchool. Shaving off mohawks.

Learning new things.

Getting into trouble.

Watching Sandlot a billion times.

Refinancing our house and building a shop.

Buying more land.

Crossing our fingers in hopes our paid for cars last at least another year.

Supporting our friends.

Loving our kids.

And changing our minds. Turns out being a big boy who pees in the toilet is NOT a cool thing to do.

Could there BE anymore perfects?

2011-09-07T12:50:00.000-05:00

I almost forgot his backpack and his change of clothes.

Write his name on his folder and on the inside of his bag.

Underwear, he needs underwear with that extra change of clothes.

It's perfect outside. 70 degrees with a few puffy clouds perfectly dotted in the sky. The sun warming my back. It's a perfect day. A day when I decided to work from home so I could be the one taking him on his first day and picking him up to hear all about it.

He waited at the door at the babysitters until I pulled up. 11:50 on the dot.

His smile couldn't BE any bigger.

"Mommy!"

He greeted me with one of the biggest hugs and never broke the smile on his face.

"How excited are you?"

He couldn't put enough supers in his response. "Even more excited than Spiderman!" I'm not really sure how excited Spiderman gets, but he's got nothin on Wyatt today.

"Can I take your picture when we get there before you go in?"

He rushed me out of the car. "We've got no time to fool around! Is right here ok?"

That's perfect, buddy! PERFECT!

Keep it together

We took the folder with the perfectly written name on it out of his bag and into the basket. We hung his backpack up right under his name.

"Ok, give mom a kiss and a hug and we will get started"

Oh my gosh, keep it together

One huge kiss on his shining teeth because he has yet to let that smile fade and a hug bigger than the one above.

"Good luck, sweetie! Have an awesome time! I'll see you at 3."

I walked away after a few thousand look backs and bye, buds. I did it! He did it! We did it! It had me by the throat, right there on the verge ready to go, but we did it.

I'm so proud, sad, and happy at the same time.

I'm a perfectly composed mess on a perfect day.

Honeymoon

2011-09-06T08:27:00.000-05:00

I love to look at pictures of our Honeymoon. Dale and I went to Cancun. It was the first major trip we went on just the two of us. Dale is not a fan of flying. We were on the outskirts of Cancun in an all exclusive resort. It was quiet and peaceful and just perfect. Being young, tan, and a bit more solid are fond, fond memories!

We did an excursion on one of our last days to Chichen Itza. We got the real view of Mexico during this horribly long drive. I was blown away with the poverty. We stopped at a little village to eat. All of the food was room temperature as well as the drinks. It wasn't the most appetizing, but the only option we had as we would be out there ALL day. Long story short, we got sick. Extremely sick. Thankfully we had plans to spend our last day just hanging out on the beach. We had no choice we couldn't get 2 steps away from a bathroom. Talk about a nightmare traveling experience on our way home. Both of us were sick for about 2 months afterwards, I'm not exaggerating. Dale lost about 20 pounds and I lost about 15. We were not really needing to lose any weight at that point in our lives. We certainly looked sick.

We climbed that. The picture above is us standing on the top. I don't think they let people climb the stairs anymore. They are extremely steep.

Relaxing in the hammock outside our patio door looking out at the ocean. So beautiful!

Yep, that's me before 3 babies. Looking young and solid. Oh how I miss that butt, those legs, and that tight tummy. I actually only weigh about 5 more pounds now than I did here, but trust me, it does NOT look the same.

I had long curly hair then too. We were headed out to dinner.

Such a cool guy

This was the little bar area down the beach a bit. It was a very cool place.

Even though we ended up sick I wish we could go back. Fat chance, hubs is even more afraid of flying! We are going to go to Hawaii on our 10th anniversary (2 more years) at least that is what I keep telling myself. We'll see what happens.

Thanks, Natalie for allowing me to take a beautiful walk down memory lane.

I'm not taking your crap

2011-09-02T13:33:00.000-05:00

I’ve mentioned a few times that I’m a people pleaser, a middle child, and one who HATES disappointing others. I will take some crap and I will give people the benefit of the doubt. I should rephrase all of that. “I used to…” should now preface the above. Except for the middle child part, I’m still that.

Having children and growing into my own skin has changed me and it has certainly changed the amount of crap I will take. I’ve grown a backbone. I’m still naïve probably to a fault. I still get duped into thinking that there aren’t people out there that are complete monsters and have nothing but evil in their hearts. Even when they are close to me.

At work it is easy, I can, with no problem, tell someone when I disagree with them and can take their criticism of me and turn it into something positive that helps me grow. I learned a long time ago not to take work personally. There are parts that can get to you, but the everyday business, it’s not something that pierces my heart.

Get me in real life? Tell me you don’t agree with something I’ve been doing, make an observation, and blatantly treat me like crap; that’s a different story. I get flush in the face, my ears catch on fire, my body starts to tremble, my chest gets splotchy, and my speech is broken and emotional. That’s how it’s been for me up until recently. I know myself a lot better. I am comfortable with myself and I have more self-confidence than I’ve had since I was an innocent child.

I’m ready to stand up and speak up for things I feel are right and let you know when you have wronged me. I say the hard things a little easier now. I give the feedback that needs to be given.

It’s freeing really, to let that go. To speak in confidence, to feel what you believe is right and stand up for it. I’m not saying this is something that I just go around freely doing. Other people’s feelings are still extremely important to me. I am careful when I have something to say and I will only say it if I feel like it is the right time. When I’ve been hurt, used, dismissed I can now stand strong, announce that it isn’t right, and feel good about that.

How’s it working out for me? Tremendously! Sometimes people just don’t realize what they have been doing. I would encourage you to do the same. Have you experienced this? How has it worked out for you? Do you tend to shy away and let it slide or do you confront them? I’m curious to know.

He's gonna be ok - PYHO

2011-08-30T21:00:00.000-05:00

He grabs his Gatorade
Then his mouthpiece
With his shoes tied he jumps out of the car eager to go
Crosses the road carefully just like every time we go to the mailbox
He's running to the coach and the players lining up to get their flags in the field
Then stops and looks back
Apprehension
There's too much distance
The reality of his isolation sinks in
Mom's too far away and I can't reach her hand
The confident, cool, funny guy he comfortably is retreats
Hides
He's scared
Alone
Self conscious
Will they like me
Am I good enough
Will they want to play with me
He crosses his arms and squeezes his chest
His forehead wrinkles just above his nose and his eyes show the slightest bit of panic
It all rushes to his head and shatters his posture
If only I could make him strong
Believe in himself
Never question who he is
If only I could do it for him
Save him the hurt
If only I could announce to the world how cool he is
What a sweet heart he has
And what a best friend he could be
If only I could be there forever to hold his hand
To squeeze it at just the right times
To rid his insecurities
To build him up and make him strong
Does he get it
Does he understand when I tell him how awesome he is
How sweet
Caring
Fun
If only they could see him through my eyes
Feel my love for him for themselves
He lets go of his chest
Jams his mouthpiece in his mouth
Stretches out his arm
Those long slender fingers wave in the air
He turns with a skip and a jump
Faces his fears
Puts a smile on his face
And fills a hole in my heart

Post as a Tweet

2011-08-26T07:23:00.001-05:00

Sometimes life is too hard. The pain kept to oneself. The smiles that hide your fears. Get over it. Change it. Move on. #talkingtomyself

WW - Saturday Mornings

2011-08-23T22:03:00.000-05:00

What I love about Saturday Mornings...

My growing boys in their jammies.

Picnic Day

2011-08-19T22:16:00.001-05:00

The boys and I packed up some pb&j again and headed to the park for a picnic dinner. Of course I grabbed my camera again. This is the best shot I got. So disappointed. This trip around wasn't as great as the last. It ended in promises of never bringing my camera again and Wyatt not acting like that again. Maybe I had my hope too high. I don't know. I was sweaty, Weston was crabby, Wyatt was crabby and Waylon was too busy throwing dirt to pose for a picture! Ah, boys!

We'll keep trying some other day, but not during picnic day!

Just an update

2011-08-18T12:51:00.000-05:00

I realized I haven't blogged in a while. More on that in some other post hopefully soon to come. I thought I would give a run down on what's up in our lives.

Wyatt
He started flag football this week. Ever have those moments when you want to laugh hysterically and break down in a sobbing cry all at the same time? Yeah, that! He is the littlest one on his team, but he keeps up ok. His second practice is tonight.

He's been pretty awesome lately. He gets up, picks his clothes out, and dresses himself. It's amazing until I notice that he is wearing his brother's shorts or 12 month pants as shorts that he actually likes and wants to through a fit about taking them off. Seriously, that happened.

He got shots for school recently and took it pretty well. Plus, he's tiny. No surprise, he's always been that way, but I'm banking on a growth spurt around 7th grade.

He has open house for preschool next week. Yes, preschool, not kindergarten. We decided to wait since he JUST turned 5. I start to feel guilty when everyone asks him if he is starting kindergarten and I have to correct them, but I feel like we made the right decision.

And... he's still the best biggest brother around.

Waylon
All the sudden he is getting potty training. He's doing rather well this week especially during the day. I tweeted yesterday about it to really test it out and that worked. He had no interest in keeping his pull up dry last night when we was out playing Daddy and Son by the swing with his brother.

This kid has got some good goods and bad bads!! When he is on he is so good and acts so cool about it, but when he is tired, hungry, just for the hell of it feeling, he is so bad and sooo whiny! And he is horrible at staying in bed.... here we go again. Wyatt was the same way but probably a smidgen worse. The good thing is once he is out he is out and there is no sneaking in our room in the middle of the night like his big brother.

But Waylon is cool and fun and funny!

Weston
Going on 7 months, can you believe it? I can't. It seems like yesterday we were in the hospital except it doesn't. That probably makes no sense but that is how it feels. It is hard to think about how our lives were before he was here.

He has 1 tooth, likes his bed time at 9, no later, sits up by himself, rolls over, pushes up, loves baths, is saying dadda, but not on purpose, his face does light up when he sees him though, is eating baby food like a champ, survived a slight ear infection and recently a cold or allergies or whatever the heck it was/still is.
He can't miss a thing his brothers are doing and his legs NEVER stop moving. If he is standing in your lap he is jumping. If he is laying on the floor his legs are kicking. I can't say that I'm surprised. He was exactly like this in my belly as well!

He's fun and easy and I couldn't ask for a better baby to come along.

Dale and I? we are good. Laughing, talking, spending time with each other, telling each other goodbye in the morning (except for this morning but I don't want to talk about that) good.

Altogether things are good, we are blessed, and we are thankful even though there are still some crap things going on. I'm sick, he pulled something in his foot, the anniversary of his dad's accident is tomorrow, kind of crap, but still good. Maybe I'll post about it. Maybe I won't.

WW - Strong

2011-08-10T10:32:00.000-05:00

Vacation - this is what I love

2011-08-08T20:12:00.003-05:00

Vacation time with the family was spent at Branson again this year. It's been like a second home to me. My grandparents lived there so I spent a lot of my childhood cruising that strip in a completely legal, non hooker kind of way. Dale's mom was awesome enough to ask us to go along with her and my nephew. My parents also were down there at the same time and to top it off my aunt and uncle met up with us. It was a good, crazy, stressful, time.

Weston's first ever dip in the lake. I have a feeling we are going to lose count pretty fast. He LOVED it.

The lake felt awesome. We spent a HOT Friday on the lake in a pontoon boat with 8 kids. There was a little melt down at first but once everyone calmed down and realized they weren't going to die on the boat everyone had a pretty good time.

Me, Wyatt, and my cousin, Gracie.

We did other things as well. We stayed at the same water park resort we did last year. We went to see a show at the Dixie Standpeede which you might think sounds corny, but it was pretty amazing. We did not have to get on to ANY of the kids the entire 2.5 hours we were there. It kept them THAT entertained. And of course did the touristy ducks and go carts as well.

My mom even got in on the fun with my other cousin, Hannah.

My dad and uncle Eddie

But Tristyn, I think he had the most fun with his cousin Neil aka Dale. He kept calling him Neil and loved getting on the tube with him. So cute!

Love this!

and this!

ditto!

And OMG, this! Classic!

(thanks Aunt Chillone for the awesome pics)

Like I said, it was crazy and fun and stressful, but it was a great vacation! Thanks, Linda and Mom and Dad and Eddie and Chillone for making it so great. And all the kids of course!

My MIL, Linda and nephew, Connor

Two of the best babies around, Houston, 11 months and Weston 6 months. I think they each cried once out of the eight hour day. Amazing!

That is one tired boy right there.

See! He's out!

Love that hair, Tristyn!

A long fun day!

I had one of those moments around this time where everyone was calm and peaceful, just enjoying the scenery and each other. I remember saying to myself, this is what I love. Family, peace, quietness, and making memories that last lifetimes. This is what true family is.

I hope you all had as great of a vacation as I did. If you don't already feel overwhelmed with my pictures you can see more in this post.

Want to show off your family vacation pics? Link up your Summer Fun over at Things I Can't Say with Shell for a chance to win prizes from Ubisoft.

The Fire

2011-08-04T09:59:00.001-05:00

The alarm went off. It’s time to get up. Same thing over again just another day. I’m kinda getting tired of this mundane life I’m living.

The phone rang.

My heart started racing. About a year or so before the phone rang around 2:15 in the morning. It was a stranger, but she wouldn’t talk after my continual pleas of asking who was on the other line. Finally the silence broke and she announced that she had the wrong number. I couldn’t sleep. Sleep has never been an issue for me. I tossed and turned and hoped everything was ok because I had a feeling. I didn’t know what the feeling was about or why I had it, but it was strong and real. A few hours later I got a call from my parents stating my brother was in a serious accident which happened around 2:15 that morning. He was critical. They had resuscitated him at the scene and the chaplain of the hospital was the one to call my parents. Suffice it to say I had a bit of post-traumatic stress I believe. When the phone rings that early in the morning I instantly go into a panic and expect the worst news. It usually takes me a bit to calm down and get my heart rate back to where it should safely be.

This morning proved no different.

“Hello?”

“Tara?”

“Yeah? Ro? Is that you?” Why is Roseanna calling me? I don’t even remember the last time we were able to talk. It’s 5:30 in the morning. Why would she be calling now? It’s kind of an odd hour for her to want to chat.

“Tara, I’m just calling you to let you know something because if it was my parents I would want someone to tell me.”

“What’s going on?”

With a nervous voice, “Your parent’s house is on fire.”

“Ok. Are they ok? Did they call the fire department? How bad is it?”

“They are ok, but it’s gone”

I don’t remember much after that. Dale got up and I told him what was going on. My parents live about 7 miles from us and there is quite a bit of pasture and trees between us, but Dale could still see the smoke. He threw some clothes on to head over there. Wyatt was only about 3 months old so I couldn’t get him up to go. As Dale was throwing some things in his truck we got a knock at the door.

My mom stood there in her pajamas with this indescribable look on her face. All I could do was give her a hug and get her inside.

“What happened? Are you ok? Is dad ok? What about the dog? What happened?”

I took her into my bedroom to get washed up and to get her some clothes to wear. There was no time to talk.

At 4am she got up for some reason. She still has no idea why she woke up, but this was not normal. She walked into the kitchen from her bedroom when she heard an unfamiliar noise. As she went looking for the reason she saw the gutter outside of the house was on fire just outside the kitchen patio door. She went to get my dad who immediately grabbed the fire extinguisher. He quickly realized the garage was on fire and told my mom to get the dog and get out. By this time the house had filled with smoke. My mom grabbed her purse and tried like mad to find the dog. He had completely flipped out and my mom was not able to control him to get him out of the house. She was to the point that she was going to leave him. If you all even knew how much my parents love this dog. My dad came back in and forced her out then grabbed the dog. They hopped in their truck and drove up to the neighbor’s house, my friend, Roseanna’s.

They called the fire department and got back in their truck. All they could do is watch their dream go up in smoke right there on that hill up the road. There it goes. All the blood, sweat, and tears. All the memories. All the pictures, negatives, family keepsakes, my wedding dress. There it all went. My dad built that house with a little help and his own two hands and my parents sacrificed a lot to get it. We lived in a trailer for a few years and then actually lived in a camper until they could save up the money to build the house of their dreams and they did it.

All the sacrifice paid off and they lived in the house that matched the picture in their heads. And they sat there helplessly watching all the years of sacrifice be destroyed in just a matter of minutes. Everything they had besides the clothes on their back, their dog, mom’s purse, and the truck it was all gone.

I raced over to the house as fast as I could just me and Wyatt. I parked on the road as the fire department was in the process of rolling up their hoses. The first time I saw it, my childhood home in ashes, still steaming, and parts still burning, I couldn’t believe it. I handed Wyatt to Dale as soon as I could and I lost it. That kind of reaction is really not normal for me. I am usually pretty good at keeping things together. It took my breath away. I remember putting my hand on my chest and gasping. I couldn’t stop the tears or from crying out in disbelief. To this day it brings tears to my eyes.

In the time around this traumatic event there were a lot of questions. “Why” being at the top of the list. We don’t know all the reasons around it or understand the timing. But when we step back and see the big picture things start to make a little more sense. My mom’s business had started to slow down in a manner that seemed really odd. She was a professional photographer for years and had no trouble keeping busy and people liked her work. This was right when digital was really making a name for itself and she hadn’t made the switch. She lost all equipment and negatives. Thankfully she didn’t have any jobs waiting to be developed and delivered. There were several little things in hindsight that made it clear there was someone protecting them and watching over them.

My brother and sister came as soon as they could. Five years ago to this very day we sat there that afternoon in the backyard staring at the ashes. Reminiscing about things, thinking about things we lost, sitting in silence, taking our own time, hugging, being grateful for what we still had, and crying.

I have had several losses in my life and through them all I’m thankful I can see glimpses of the bigger picture even though I can’t fully understand. With each loss I’m taught something new and my faith grows deeper. The Lord blesses us through the tears of each one of them however odd that might seem to some. I don’t wish loss on anyone, but it happens and it is up to us to recover, get stronger, and learn.

WW - Weston

2011-08-03T08:07:00.000-05:00

Sunday I had about an hour of alone time with Weston. The sun was shining brightly in the kitchen so I decided to play around with my camera. I stripped Weston down, got some hats, and shot away. I now wish I would have thrown up some kind of background because some of them turned out extremely cute. Here are some of my favorites.

I really wish I had a back drop for this one! I would have totally blown it up and framed it!

A peek at our vacation

2011-08-01T13:44:00.000-05:00

I've been away on vacation with the kiddos. I'm not complaining. It was stressful, but I'm not complaining. I'm so glad we got away even if it was GO all the time. The smiles on their faces at times were so worth it. We got home Saturday and spent Sunday doing nothing. I purposely cleaned the house and had the laundry done just so I wouldn't have to do anything on my one day off before work. The house was destroyed about 10 minutes after we walked in the door and it remains that way to this very minute, but I'm not complaining!

All by himself for the 1st time ever!

Trout fishing

He forgot his black suit

He's the king of the world and he truly believes it

My cousin Hannah and Mother-in-law Linda. Look at that talent!

My little family. Weston LOVED the water! I was actually pretty blown away with how much he loved it. He HATES the baby pool, but couldn't wait to get in the lake.

All these pictures are thanks to my mom. I have a ton more from my camera and my aunt's. I'll have to share those another time.

I really did have a great time, even though I was stressed for most of it. I think Dale and I will be going back in the fall, just the two of us. We have yet to celebrate our anniversary that happened two months ago.

Reminding Whispers

2011-07-22T22:14:00.002-05:00

The things in life that shape you. How do you handle? How do you cope? How do you recover? How are you stronger? What did you learn?

Losing both of my grandparents early

My brother’s nearly fatal accident

A dream house destroyed by fire

Our miscarriage

My parent’s motorcycle accident

Losing a cousin my age

My father-in-law’s fall and passing

These events, yes, they are major events, they shaped me. In a way I look at that list above and think it is too much for one person. It seems awfully long for my short life. But it is a list, my list and it could be worse.

Those events gave me stronger, broader shoulders, soften and hardened my heart, left me with confidence, and more faith in God than ever before. He truly got me through the times I thought I couldn’t.

I do my best not to take things for granted. I stop, I listen, I observe and notice, I take the small things in, I wait.

Each of these events taught me that I’m not the one in control no matter how hard I try to fight for it. Again and again I’m reminded.

I look at my boys in awe. They are mine for a brief second. They are trying and exhausting at times, but they are nothing but a temporary gift. Losing one of them, losing my husband those are still two major things I fear. Two things I don’t think I could make it through. The aftermath of the events from above have pulled a blanket over that fear, but it’s still there under the covers.

When things get hard. When I’m tired, frustrated, exhausted, angry, on the verge of tears I do my best to go back there. What if He took it all away? I would regret that frown, those times I told him I was busy, those times when I didn’t play dinosaurs or play dough because of the mess it would make. I would feel guilty for yelling, punishing, correcting. I would remember the times I got frustrated giving the hundredth hug and wish like mad I could give another.

So I try to be careful. I try to remind myself. I stop myself from getting mad when one has disappeared to play somewhere outside all by himself and watch, listen, observe, soak it in when I find him peacefully playing, dreaming, pretending.

I’m not perfect. I don’t go back there every time. There is punishment and corrections to give. I’m too busy and it’s going to have to waits to say. But these reminders need to be there in that pocket and create that little voice in my head that whispers wait, watch, listen, take it in, remember.

All Waylon - WW

2011-07-20T09:00:00.000-05:00

This is 100% Waylon!

Friends/Family

2011-07-18T13:36:00.000-05:00

You know those friends you have that are pretty much family?

The ones you laugh with

The ones you're brutally honest with

The ones where sometimes you don't need words

That you have the greatest times with

The ones you act silly with

and create memories with

You share in their joy

And in their hurt

You exchange dreams

and fears

ask for advice

and give your opinion

You have fun with

and get annoyed with

(Wyatt is his father's son. If there was any doubt ever, this should prove it once and for all! Does anyone else completely lose it looking at this picture because I definitely do every.single.time!)

Yeah, those friends. They are the ones you wouldn't trade for anything.

Thanks Davids' for once again creating such great memories not only for us but for the little shoes that follow in our footsteps. Thinking of the years to come with our aging brats puts a smile on my face.

Oh, the trouble we have ahead of us!

These Boots - WW

2011-07-13T08:16:00.002-05:00

These boots...

By themselves I can't stand the looks of them when they are lying in the floor. They are tattered and worn. They are clunky and smelly.

But they are filled with my life.

These boots are coveted amongst my boys. They search for them when they get home. They fight over who is going to wear them first.

These boots are magical boots.

They can get them to do things regular convincing can't. Going to the bathroom like a big boy. Shooting HUGE bears in the woods and dragging them home to show their family.

They create a certain feeling in the boys once they slip them on. One of confidence. One of feeling bigger than they are. A cowboy. A man taking care of his family. A big kid telling his mom goodbye as he waves and explains he's going to work. These boots make them strut around the house with the coolest look on their face. They can do anything in these boots.

These boots...

They are only going to fit so long. I only get to witness their magic for a short time.

They will protect the soles of my life until they're outgrown.

No matter the sight of them, no matter the smell, or the clunkiness, or the worn tattered look, I love these boots and everything that fills them.

To check out other Wordless/ful Wednesday posts click over to Alicia's blog and link one up of your own.

Rockin the Baby

2011-07-12T08:21:00.000-05:00

I rocked the bump with Shell back here and I have to admit I got total baby fever even though I have a 5 month old. But, we are done. No more planned babies for us. It's sad. Last night I put my baby to sleep in his own room for the first time and thought I would be crying myself to sleep. I did better than I thought I would. They grow up too dang fast! It's hard to remember Wyatt and Waylon at the stages they were below. Thanks to queen of the link Shell over at Things I Can't Say for putting together another great linky.

My little elf, Wyatt at 6 months old and my other babe at 30.

Hard to believe this happy little guy is already 5.

Waylon at 6 months. He had a ton of hair and it had, um, issues....

Waylon and my mom around 6 months. He will be 3 in October.

I know you all see a lot of Weston lately, but here is a picture of him around 7 weeks. I don't think I have posted it before besides in his baby book below.

Chubby Westy West at 5 months.

Awe, the memories!

WW - Weston's baby book

2011-06-29T09:27:00.002-05:00

Click here to view this photo book larger

Please go check out and link up to other Wordless Wednesday posts over at Alicia's place.

Wordful Wednesday - Baseball

2011-06-22T12:53:00.000-05:00

Another milestone was reached.

The first season of tball is done.

His first sport.

The first really "big kid" thing he has done.

His fan club...

(I realize these pics aren't the best quality, but it was something that had to be captured. What group picture isn't complete with a run away two year old?)

Here's one to make up for the poor quality!

His first true double!

His first trophy

His first team and new friends

His first good sportsman lessons

His little brother can't wait to follow in this footsteps

What a great coach he is going to make some day.

Wyatt is changing right before my eyes. Every single minute it seems like he is even older than the last. He has a habit of staying awake until Waylon is out so he can sneak his way into our room for the night. I used to make him go back to his bed and the night ended in tears and anger. Now that I can literally see my little baby boy transforming into a big boy I don't mind anymore. I agree to the "want to snuggle" requests and don't give him sleeping on our floor a second thought. He sleeps on our floor by choice. Once he gets too hot snuggling he hops down there.

I fell asleep last night asking him what he loved about each one of his family members, which was a blessing to hear from a five year old's perspective. This morning he got up early with me and we talked about why I wear wedding rings and what it meant. I really can't believe we are to the point where we are holding real meaningful true to life conversations and he gets it. It breaks my heart and makes me so proud all at the same time.

You can go check out other Word~~less~~ful Wednesday posts here.

Father's Day

2011-06-17T07:44:00.000-05:00

Father's Day for Dale is going to be hard this year. He lost his dad almost 3 months ago. This is a very difficult time in our lives. It's redefining. When you lose a parent relatively young it seems you lose a big portion of yourself or who you thought you were. He lost his mentor and the guy who understands where he is coming from. No one can come close to replacing that lost feeling in him. They were close. They saw eachother nearly every day. It is hard.

It's even hard for me. Trying to deal with the grief is manageable at times, but sometimes hits you by surprise and completely takes your breath away. We have definitely had our ups and downs. It has affected every aspect of our lives.

I don't know how we will celebrate over the weekend. I'm not putting a plan together. I'm going to go with the flow and if Dale needs his time alone then we will give that to him and try to be as understanding as possible.

However, he is a father too and his boys feel the same way about him as he did of his dad. So we will celebrate him as a daddy. The daddy that makes the boy's eyes light up. The one that makes pancakes on Saturdays. The one they ask constantly about when he is away. They can't wait to get home to him in the evenings.

He gets cheers if he is home when we get home and sighs of dissappointment if we beat him there.

Wyatt and Dale '06. His first few months of being a dad. Look at Wyatt hold his finger!

Wyatt and Dale '06

Weston looks so much like his biggest brother it is crazy. The eye color is the biggest difference. Weston is our brown eyed boy.

Marcus, Wyatt and Dale. He can even make the dog smile.

More of Wyatt and Dale.

They want to be strong and tall like him.

This cracks me up every single time!

Some of the best dads around!

Waylon and Dale '09

Waylon and Dale '10

Weston and Dale '11

I have a feeling this one is going to be his mini me.

Daddy and his boys '11

Happy Father's Day, babe! Thanks for lighting up our boy's lives.

Happy Father's day to my dad as well who is one of the best PaPa's around!

Pregnant/Hungry/Tired - This won't end well

2011-06-16T09:01:00.000-05:00

Calm down, dear gawd, I'm not pregnant again. Just telling a little story from my past...

When something goes awry I used to be the one to sit back and not say anything, but observe the irritation of others. Throw in pregnancy and we have a whole new ballgame…

We were at a Champ’s store in the mall. I was around seven months pregnant with my first boy. It was late. The store was busy, but about to close and I was hungry.

Hungry and pregnant don’t jive well.

There were young kids working and younger kids shopping. The line was long and the store was about to close.

Dale finally found what he was wanting. He’s the one to buy all the shoes. You can see evidence of that here and here.

We waited in line and then waited some more.

Finally we get to the second place in line. I think there were one or two more people behind us. The kids in front of us finally made a decision on what they were going to buy after one of them kept entering and exiting the line several times.

My irritation kept growing like the hunger pangs in my belly.

They were checking out when the young pimple faced associate told them that the Polos they had picked out were bogo. Instead of canceling their order and setting the stuff to the side so he could help the ones that were ready he continued to slowly pick up one item after the other to scan it while he watched them go to the rack and shuffle through what was left. “Yeah, that rack there. You can pick from any of those. You have a red one here...” Blah, blah, blah!

IRRITATED!

Then they went back and forth and hemmed and hawed with no regard for the others that were still in line, but they finally had it. They gathered their stuff and threw it up on the counter. But wait, they forgot something else. I have no idea what it was at this point, but it PISSED. ME. OFF!

IRRITATED! I yelled out, “You’ve GOT to be freakin kidding me!”

I quickly left the store and left Dale standing there in line as the rest of the store stared at him. I knew if I would have stayed there I would have lost it. I mean completely lost it.

He was embarrassed to say the least, but the supervisor witnessed the whole ordeal, apologized, and gave Dale an extra 25% off of his purchase.

Dale was embarrassed but at the same time very thankful that I finally spoke up and got him a discount. I apologized and we laughed. We won’t talk about the two other pregnancies where there were no apologies and a lot shorter temper!

This is a prompt from MamaKat’s Writing Workshop. I kind of cheated and linked up two posts. One of the prompts was about girl’s night, which I happened to post on Tuesday. You can check it out here.